Its final

[Bumping in my trunk]

Well, I maintained NC until I noticed she had been offline for a long while. Like three days. Then I realized she went to him for 3 days like she talked about before.

 

She came back changed. Apparently she loves him completely now and doesn't want me anymore. She was so ****ing cruel that a day after they met, she put a picture of them on whatsapp. That really destabilized me. She told me I was ignoring her but I really wasn't. My head was with all the other problems I had plus the depression she gave me when she wanted to end things before I went NC. Anyway, I broke NC (bad idea) I talked to her about everything. I told her idc that she met him. I still loved her. She said she changed and I should hate her for doing that to me. We texted a bit but she definitely stopped loving me at all. I even asked her if she loved me in the least bit and she couldn't answer. Only, "I love him."

 

How heart breaking. All the things we planned to do she got to do it with him for 3 days. I was an emotional wreck.

 

So the problem here is:

-If I had replied, theres the possibility she wouldn't have gone. The first time she asked me about going there she saw my face and immediately said "no no. I can't do that to you." Maybe she would have asked again. Maybe she would have gone anyway. We would be stuck in this situation for an even longer time. My life and health would have suffered. And Idk if I would have eventually won her back.

 

-The other scenario is what played out. She went there, broke my heart, and left me all alone.

 

I'm moving on. NC helps. I didn't put me back to square one but it felt like I took 1 step forward and 2 back. It sucks but I'm moving on. I've thought about this and so many things for so long that I finally think I've found something that can help me move on. I made a thread about it if anyone wants to read.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/481884-should-i-have-broken-up-when-necessary

 

I've been doing all the NC guide says. I've felt more relieved after seeing how much she really did to hurt everything and destroy our relationship. I still miss her and feel lonely. Been trying OLD (around my city not other countries lol.) I got a few women to reply so it feels good I guess. I had a possible love interest but idk if she flaked or if shes really just busy at the moment. It will be hard to move on but I feel like I can pull through this.

 

Is it proof that I'm moving on if I feel anger instead of anxiety, sadness, grief, desperation when she texts me? I know I'm not over her yet but isn't there like stages of moving on or getting over someone or something like that? She texted me this afternoon, "Congratulations for Colombia" because she knows im SUPER patriotic and love my country and soccer. I felt really mad because she has that picture of them and she actually hass the ****ing nerve to text me anything. Even after she told me she loved him. Her text was no breadcrumb. Def just meaningless ****. But do you think I'm making progress if I felt angry and genuinely didn't want to even respond or look at her? I've been NC since this Monday. And yes, I've finally accepted that finally now its over.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

Well it's been a week since she went back home. And during all this time of NC I've been improving and I've been feeling better. I can sleep a little better and its getting easier. But I just feel today was really bad and maybe even no progress. I started thinking too much about what happened. What if I had been able to reply. Would she have stayed? Would she have gone? Would things been different? Would I have won her over? I can deff say that things wouldn't change. Maybe, maybe is the key word, we would have taken a break because of her studies and we would have tried again like we originally tried to agree.

 

I made all her news disappear from my news feed but I did check out one of her friend's pictures from their prom and I saw something surprising. Either she was really sick that day or her make up just didn't suit her well. Most of her other "friends" were better looking. I also saw she had a good time but I saw sadness in her face and eyes. You can tell me I'm wrong but when you see someone on camera almost everyday, you can figure out how they've been no matter how much they try to hide it. Even if I didn't stalk her page I shouldn't have looked at her friends. NCwise, maybe it even helped me a bit move on by comparing her to other girls. I saw her other friends in a better light I guess. Idk if she just had a ****ty day or if maybe I'm moving on but the emotional part is still there.

 

Anyway, now I'm sitting here wondering if I even did the right thing. I pressure her always to get rid of him, delete him, block him. I even forgave her for getting drunk at the club and kissing some stranger, while keeping in contact with both. Was it right? I will admit she made me doubt. She told me I shouldn't do that...don't put pressure on her. I always wanted her for me and me ONLY. Idk why she couldn't understand it or maybe even didn't want to understand it.

 

Did I do the right thing when I took a stand and told her that I'm not getting back with her until he's gone?

 

She stopped begging me to get back with her so I asked her why and she said she was "confused." Fack, guys. I don't need closure from her I need to know I did the right thing. After all the love, loyalty, and support I gave her I'm left with the disappointment that maybe I didn't do enough or I did the wrong thing

 

EDIT: I deleted her number from my phone. I REALLY can't stand that picture of them together when she visited. She was even cruel enough to upload it the next day after she got home. And she had the nerve to text me "Congratulations for Colombia" Does she even consider how I feel knowing that I am the one who wanted to see her and do so many things with her and now I can't??? It's like adding insult to injury.

 

EDIT 2: I've been considering deleting her off facebook. I've been putting it off because I honestly still think about how she will react or think of me. I just don't want her to have that satisfaction of her checking my fb and me having that temptation of checking her fb. Maybe send a message explaining why? I also don't want them to have that satisfaction of her knowing that he might never ask for me to be blocked or deleted. Because then she will say "oh he never fought about that and he was so good because he didn't mention you or asked me to block you and he didn't pressure me and didn't make me feel guilty and etc." The thing with NC is that it doesn't work with her. The other guy literally won her back by initiating contact and being her "friend"

Edited June 24, 2014 by Bumpin in My Trunk

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

So its 2 weeks and a day and none of you can at least make me feel better about my questions?

 

Anyway, she contacted me today. Her 12:29 my 6:29pm. [My name] I need to know you are ok. I know I hurt you i...

 

 

That's the message because I don't want to see the rest. She sent it on facebook and idk if she has contacted my phone. Its actually not working right now because of the battery. I blocked her on Skype. I don't want to think she is talking on Skype with him or having cybersex with him there.

 

I will ignore her messages. I just wish I had some support

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

Anyway, now I'm sitting here wondering if I even did the right thing. I pressure her always to get rid of him, delete him, block him. I even forgave her for getting drunk at the club and kissing some stranger, while keeping in contact with both. Was it right? I will admit she made me doubt. She told me I shouldn't do that...don't put pressure on her. I always wanted her for me and me ONLY. Idk why she couldn't understand it or maybe even didn't want to understand it.

 

Did I do the right thing when I took a stand and told her that I'm not getting back with her until he's gone?

 

In April, when we broke up, she stopped begging me to get back with her so I asked her why and she said she was "confused." Fack, guys. I don't need closure from her I need to know I did the right thing. After all the love, loyalty, and support I gave her I'm left with the disappointment that maybe I didn't do enough or I did the wrong thing

 

 

 

I'm not giving up until I get answers. Like I said today...She sent me a message and I haven't seen all of it yet.

 

I feel so bad because I'm ignoring it. It might be a possible reconciliation or just some stupid breadcrumb trying to keep me reeled in. After all the progress I've made I feel like I don't want to mess it up. I also don't want to see the message because FB will give her that notification "Seen at [certain time]" and I don't want her to know I saw it.

 

Fack my life. And since it is 12:35am now...I will say goodnight to each one of you. Sleep well. Have fun and enjoy. I know I did until I saw that notification

 

EDIT: Before going to sleep I managed to export the messages without having her finding out I read it. It reads as follows:

 

"[My name],I need to know if u r ok now. I hurt u I know and its in my mind all the time destroying me and I can't live with that. I know I deserve it, but u dont. That's why I'm just asking u now and I hope u will answer to me. How is ur life now, how r u? I'm still trying to get out all of this of myself but I just cant. I'm feeling bad. I also wanna know the name of ur church again. I need it cuz I decided to change. Please don't ignore this."

 

 

Last time she sent me a message like that she was trying to reach out to me and possibly fix things. If I had responded (but then again I couldn't) I wouldn't be in this situation now. But what does this mean??? She hasn't talked with him on the phone since the 23rd. For some reason she took off her profile picture on whatsapp. Her last time online was 11:48pm. I shouldn't have checked but the message compelled me to do it. I won't open it on FB(the message). What am I supposed to do here in this hard situation. The NC guide says everything is BS and a breadcrumb but if it really is true...then what were her messages 2 weeks ago supposed to mean? She never hinted at actually being with me and leaving him but I know if I had replied then she probably wouldn't have gone there.

Edited July 2, 2014 by Bumpin in My Trunk

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

I fell by the second breadcrumb.

 

1st-"Congratulation for Colombia" When we classified for the round of 16 I got this gem. All while she had their picture together on whatsapp. Seriously, why do dumpers do this? She knew she hurt me and she decided to text me such bull**** with a picture of them. Of course I didn't say anything

 

2nd-"[My name], I need to know if u r ok now. I hurt u I know and its in my mind all the time destroying me and I can't live with that. I know I deserve it, but u dont. That's why I'm just asking u now and I hope u will answer to me. How is ur life now, how r u? I'm still trying to get out all of this of myself but I just cant. I'm feeling bad. I also wanna know the name of ur church again. I need it cuz I decided to change.Please don't ignore this."

 

I replied 3 days later. Gave her the name of the church and log off Skype. So then the next day I log in and see some messages from her where she is angry I ignored her. I try to talk to her to calm her down and find out her motives. This all just results in 2 weeks of sparse contact because I tried to be her friend because I was too lonely and let my **** self-esteem screw me over. Over the course of that time, she texted me 4 in the morning and asked me why I'm so good and she sees all the things she does and all the things I do and she feels bad. She says all the bad things are happening in her life and that she wishes something good would happen in love, family, or university. My reaction was WTF but I didn't tell her. How can she wish for something good to happen in love???? She left me for another guy. I decided to be there for her but she doesn't realize I'm that good thing. Several days pass, I try to talk good as friends and it works until she starts feeling guilty that shes doing that to him. (all while in my mind I ask WHY COULDNT SHE FEEL LIKE THAT FOR ME) And then she tells me she can't talk to me. I point out how if she chose me she would have been ready for her exam and we would have had a great time studying. She ****ing replies with "don't tell me what would have happened because it didn't" I back off and tell her I support her whatever happens when she gets her test results.

 

Later I find out she failed. I try to talk but shes cold and distant. Same ****, "she can't do this to him/I feel so guilty." I tell her I'm giving her this last chance to be friends (because I'm a dumbass who feels too lonely for now) She says she can't do it. And then she says if the other guy had some girl like she has me now, she wouldn't take it. Wow, such nice words for someone who still loves me.

 

Oh, and she also wants to forget me.

And that she loves me but she wants him as bf.

And that she is tired of life and everything that is happening in it.

She also gets defensive and thinks I'm trying to break them apart (ok yes I am)

She worries about me for one month while she didn't talk to me and spent most of her time talking to him but can't admit to me she wants to be with me. I also suspect he's not treating her good since she said "he is tired of her problems" buuuuuut that's not of my business.

 

All I've learned is to block her from everywhere. Except Skype, I actually don't even get on there anymore.

 

In one of my threads I mentioned that I met a girl at school while my ex was in this indecision of choosing between two guys. This girl from school is amazing and we talked none stop for a month until she vanished. She then told me she was in vacation and she returned Monday this week. I now I have a date with her this Sunday. Things are looking up. I still miss my ex and think of how differently things could have been. If she had chosen me then I wouldn't be in such a pain, she wouldn't be all miserable as she says, and she would have passed her university exam. Last thing I knew was that she retook it Friday of last week but idk if she passed it. She said she had no chance of passing it buuuuuuuut its none of my biddness. Now I'm on a diet of stricter NC and a possible better gf

 

 

But seriously, why do dumpers do this?

 

 

EDIT: Also, she says maybe one day we can be friends or something. I say that day will be never. She ways we can't know. I say I know because this is the last time I will talk to you. She is now on the block list. I was so pissed when she said that. I might have felt and acted needy but I'm no ones toy to be picked up whenever she wants. Seriously, fack that rubbish.

Edited July 26, 2014 by Bumpin in My Trunk