Bumpin in My Trunk Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 (edited) I've struggled to keep her. Check my threads. I will try to make it as short. -I meet this girl we fall in love -I hide feelings act cold -She retracts and I noticed to I try to bring her back -I realize she has someone else -I comfront and she accepts -We end up fighintg a lot through Nov/Dec but she chooses me cuz she says I'm better -And now we are working on us. She tells this guy to leave us alone cuz we are not together but he doesnt ****ing accept it and tries to steal her away throughout all of spring until now. -We fought all the time about him because I had a feeling she was using him and me as a backup. One month later she admits its true. She does not want to chose someone and be alone. I wanted her to be completely committed to me and she was afraid because of past and our distance. In in america while they are in europe -One day we fight reeeeaaally bad about him -So we break up. She leaves cuz she makes rash decisions like that -Literally next morning she texts me and says she cant without me. She wants me back. I DONT until hes out of the picture. -We continue this for like five days. -Now shes "in love" with him just because hes there for her. -So since April we have been in this push pull where she loves me more and she loves him more -We're good then we fight. They are good and then they fight. -Until things pick up for us really well. We are enjoying and laughing our asses off. Acting like in relationship. -Then it all comes crashing down. One day her fears are all taking control of her and she doesnt want this cuz it reminded her of ex and so many things. I make the mistake of begging her. -We stay. Things arent really the same as before that night. -We talk less and less. Shes giving him more time -Then we fight and says hes for her and that he makes her feel better and she believes all this ****. My heart has been broken in a million pieces. I told her I regret my mistake of being cold. If I had never been cold this never would have happened and she doubts it. It pains me every time when I think how he was so ****ing persistant and tried to steal her away from me even after she told him they were DONE. Now shes with him says I have to accept it and I told her I wont. And now I want this mental torture to end. Its sickening. I cant eat I cant sleep I cant study I cant do anything. I know that NC will help but the problem is she wil contact me later. I know this for a fact. She did it with him and she will do it with me. I need help. I want to be free. I want to enjoy my life again. I need to feel loved truely and progress with my life. I wanted someone who would love me completely and I had her but this ******* stole her away. I just want this suffering to stop. How do I move on besides using NC???? Edited June 1, 2014 by Bumpin in My Trunk
Author Bumpin in My Trunk Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 Help anybody? I had this girl I was talking to in real life. We were going all good until she flaked. Its really hard knowing that now you are all alone
marcjb Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 (edited) I know how you feel. I broke up with my ex fiancé over a month ago now because of a particular guy "friend" who she met after me. We were together for about 3 years. I was secure with everything until she told me out of the blue that she didn't feel the same way about me anymore. She loved me but she wasn't "in love" with me still. It caused me to be insecure about the relationship. Your situation is a bit more extreme in the sense that with your ex there is no question in your mind that she has feelings for this other person. I absolutely recommend sticking with no contact no matter how she contacts you, or what she says. She thinks the grass is greener, let her find out for herself that it's most likely not the case. What she's doing is being extremely selfish and most likely just wasting everyone's time. Spend your time talking to family and friends about everything if you can. Edited June 1, 2014 by marcjb
seminoles84 Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Sounds like she enjoys the drama and attention at both of your expenses. 4
todreaminblue Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 its really quite cruel to keep someone on the back burner in two ways...the feelings of the person kept in the background and the person who feels like they have to fight to keep the love alive who is at the front..a constant battle that really..shows no commitment either way.......i keep in contact with exes ...or they keep in contact with me i never completely dump guys i am there for them to talk to..... a friendly ear ......or however i can help them , when they find someone i am happy for them i cheer them on......normally....unless it was an affair then i am not so cheery and i take some time for myself......if i am in a relationship the relationship takes precedence over any ex i have.......and they know it......i explain it clearly what she is doing is wrong to the both of you.....and she is being thoughtless pretty selfish......chances are she will come back to you when they fight.....and you have to make some tough choices then...until then .....try and get out and meet someone new who has all the time for you and whatever you go through, doesnt involve a third party throwing spanners and hammers....best wishes ...deb 1
Author Bumpin in My Trunk Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 (edited) Sounds like she enjoys the drama and attention at both of your expenses. Someone else told me that but then decided to accuse me that I liked it. If only they knew how much I hate being depressed, angry, anxious, unmotivated, worthless they wouldn't accuse me of that. I just don't understand how someone can be put on the back on the backburner and like it and EVEN stay there so they can **** things up. Regarding the suggestions, I am already talking with family. I have few friends to talk about this and since I graduated most of my "friends" just decided I don't exist anymore so it feels really lonely here. I dropped a lot of "me" time and I really regret it. Mostly because it seems so hard now to get back into my hobbies and I used to game but ever since then I really dont wanna be on the 360. It's like life kicking you when you are down And just in case anyone missed it, this is all LDR Edited June 2, 2014 by Bumpin in My Trunk
hope2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Someone else told me that but then decided to accuse me that I liked it. If only they knew how much I hate being depressed, angry, anxious, unmotivated, worthless they wouldn't accuse me of that. I just don't understand how someone can be put on the back on the backburner and like it and EVEN stay there so they can **** things up. Regarding the suggestions, I am already talking with family. I have few friends to talk about this and since I graduated most of my "friends" just decided I don't exist anymore so it feels really lonely here. I dropped a lot of "me" time and I really regret it. Mostly because it seems so hard now to get back into my hobbies and I used to game but ever since then I really dont wanna be on the 360. It's like life kicking you when you are down And just in case anyone missed it, this is all LDR Look in the mirror and tell yourself, "I can make it! This too shall come to pass!" I wish you well
Author Bumpin in My Trunk Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 Look in the mirror and tell yourself, "I can make it! This too shall come to pass!" I wish you well Well thank you. Any tips on how to cope when she messages? Resisting the urges to text are easy. But her...that's another story. One day into their relationship and she says she thinks hes better for her. Not sure yet. This is obviously disturbing because I want to heal but I need to get her back because Ik she loves me alot. All i keep telling myself is if I had never asked her to delete him and fight with her about that then it will never happen.
stillfiguringitallou Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 NC - every phone company has a way to block a phone number - use it. Look do you REALLY want her to contact you. Speaking from someone who lived with a hot/cold relationship for nearly two years ... my ex was cold and distant far more than once - and I never played the games with him that you're ex is. While rationally we only get one side of the story here and I know my ex is saying similar things about me - without the added "other guy" .. so I can't say for sure HOW often you were cold and distant and how that may have impacted your relationship (because it does) The thing is - if you REALLY love her - and HE is making her happy. Go NC and don't come back. Just because she loves you and you love her - doesn't mean you are good for each other - and doesn't mean that you can come back from where you are even if you work on yourself. Forgive both of you for the wrongs you've done, let it go, and move on. I promise there will be someone else who makes you feel just as good, maybe even better! WHEN you are READY. otherwise you're just perpetuating the cycle.
Author Bumpin in My Trunk Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 and I know my ex is saying similar things about me - without the added "other guy" .. so I can't say for sure HOW often you were cold and distant and how that may have impacted your relationship (because it does) . We werent in the relationship yet and we were just at that stage of getting to know each other. We were also flirting but I wasnt returning the advances. That's when she met him on chatroulette and she changed and thats when we had that whole me-or-him deal and she chose me. The only thing that broke us up was when I told her to block him cuz I want her to dedicate herself to me only. Every single time we talked about that we fought. We fought until one day it was bad and like i said I refused to take her back and then we eneded up in the whole fiasco agian. fml I've been contemplating blocking and me and my family have discussed it. It's just that...so hard to let go. I mean, its the only way to prevent her from contacting me but if I do that then I know she wont come back. I guess I will have to do it when I'm truly ready EDIT: Holy smokes I'm in North Carolina also. Charlotte area here
stillfiguringitallou Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Hahahaha NC for NC Listen - when you are ready you will block her - I did. The only thing I can't block him from is my email cause gmail is stupid. But I've filtered him 6 ways from Sunday so hopefully I won't ever see it .... I tried to help him with his intimacy issues, trust issues, insecurities. Even after we broke up - once I'd gotten to the point of acceptance. No begging or pleading - didn't want him back - don't want him back But because I believed he was a "good person overall" I wanted to help him overcome the issues that had caused so many problems between us. He always twisted it up - made it about him and I - about how "he doesn't care what I believe contributed to it - he'd be crazy to come back to me now after everything" So the day came - recently when I decided - I should listen. He doesn't care what contributed to it ... all he cares about ... is whether I want him to come back - and that I'm CLEAR you understand - that he isn't. So I sent him a closure email - and text - and blocked and filtered him 7 ways to Sunday. He isn't my responsibility. His happiness and stability are not my responsibility. We are nothing more than strangers with a history. And for the first time ... I am okay with that
Author Bumpin in My Trunk Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 I read your other threads on this guy but I didn't quite understand. Why did you break up in the first place? I get that he left you after that traumatic moment. And forgive me for asking. Idk if it is too much for you And yeah, texted some more now and she admitted she still wants me. I kinda called her out on it because i knew she had been pushing me away on purpose. she is just so afraid to let go because she thinks I might be the one for her even if she wants him more as a bf. As soon as I caught that I did the stupid thing of beggin and she agreed. Bounderies are we all 3 take a break for her studies (and mine too. I didnt mention it lol). After that we will try. The break starts in some days. I'm such a week person. But I made it clear to her and me that this is the last time. After that I accept defeat. I'm ready for the harsh criticism. I deserve it.
Natsume21 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 America and Europe? I like your style guy, but that distance is RIDICULOUS. Some people can handle it though A woman in her 20s, not likely. Don't blame yourself for anything but the begging part, but this was never going to last. She is too young and has too many options at this age. Let her be. Go NC, don't even be friends with her. You learned a lot in this relationship. Use it next time you date, but before you do, heal and find yourself. 1
Author Bumpin in My Trunk Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 America and Europe? I like your style guy, but that distance is RIDICULOUS. Some people can handle it though A woman in her 20s, not likely. Don't blame yourself for anything but the begging part, but this was never going to last. She is too young and has too many options at this age. Let her be. Go NC, don't even be friends with her. You learned a lot in this relationship. Use it next time you date, but before you do, heal and find yourself. Next time I wont beg. I wont do it and I'm determined to let her go. And some friends and family told me I should have broken up with her as soon as she refused to let go of the guy when I asked her to. Were they right? I want to be ready just in case this happens to me.
barky2 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Sounds like she was banging both y'all at the same time. Keep it movin. Barky
stillfiguringitallou Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I read your other threads on this guy but I didn't quite understand. Why did you break up in the first place? I get that he left you after that traumatic moment. And forgive me for asking. Idk if it is too much for you ERRRRRRRRRR I hate this stupid laptop. The thing is he and I had been going through this "couple/best friends, hot/cold" thing for over a year by the time I joined this site. I joined hoping to get support in moving on and maintaining my friendship. Everyone said it wasn't possible, I ignored them as it seemed we were FINALLY able to do this. I was being strong with my boundaries and seeing other people. He was still crossing boundaries and trying to make me jealous, which I didn't react to. And one day. He looked at me - in just that way - you know the way I'm talking about. And after giving me the smoldering puppy dog eye he went in for the kiss. And ALL my months of progress went right out the window. So I said we had to talk about this this time. And asked him what he really wanted - and he said he was tired of ME being single (which should have been my first red flag) that he wanted me to be his girlfriend again and he didn't know what he had been thinking. I said - are you sure about that? Are you sure you're ready for a relationship now, because if I trust you, if I give you this, it's the last time. We won't be able to go back again. You HAVE to learn to communicate with me like an adult and not push me away everytime something happens ... only to come back weeks later apologizing and explaining what happened. If we go here AGAIN - and you do that AGAIN - it will destroy everything. And he said he was - and we got back together. Two weeks after that I found out I was pregnant (another screw up on his part - we had successfully used NFP for nearly two years at that point - he didn't ask and I didn't know until it was too late to do anything about it) he freaked out on me - like literally. I told him if the choice I was being given was keeping the pregnancy or the relationship then I was pretty solid in my choice and was sorry he felt that way. Then - he came back a few days later apologizing for "panicing" we worked things out - went on vacation as planned - had a marvelous time. At my doctors appointment that week we found out our baby stopped developing the day after we got back. It's heart had stopped beating within the last 24 hours. I was alone when I found out, alone when I had the procedure, and following a healing weekend together grieving together - he left me alone to my grief because he couldn't handle the feelings of guilt he had (I understand this now) The thing is - he still won't take responsibility for his actions. It's over you understand because in the THREE days following him taking off and blocking all communication I said "hurtful things" to him ... while he was chatting with someone who was supposed to be my best friend - nothing happened - but when I found out about it from her - I confronted him and he wouldn't be honest with me. So I told him everything I knew and he corrected what was wrong - and what was right ... but told me I had no right to be so angry about it - because when he talked to her - he was a single guy ... lol and his friendship with her was arbitrary to she and I's. Even though he met her because of me - and she LIVED IN MY HOME - hahaha. It was arbitrary and he was sorry I had been hurt and his actions caused them BUT - he never intended for me to know what happened so - it wasn't HIS actual fault I was hurting. And in that moment I realized - he'd never take responsibility for the impact his choices had on our relationship. Maybe he can't face them (he has serious esteem issues and guilt might spiral him out I suppose) ... or maybe he just doesn't care enough to face them. Or he's a sociopath and honestly BELIEVES he was giving it his "best effort" and my pain and anger RUINED IT ALL. I don't know. I don't care anymore. Does it hurt? Yeah - it always hurts when you invest so much of yourself, time, and emotion into another person - invest so much of your heart into a future with them - to have it all disappear and not have a real explanations as to why. But - I'm okay with it now. It isn't healthy. I'm mourning him - and who I believe him to be inside, and the loss of that and our future. But the relationship - wasn't healthy. Despite the good times.
Author Bumpin in My Trunk Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 (edited) Does it hurt? Yeah - it always hurts when you invest so much of yourself, time, and emotion into another person - invest so much of your heart into a future with them - to have it all disappear and not have a real explanations as to why. But - I'm okay with it now. It isn't healthy. I'm mourning him - and who I believe him to be inside, and the loss of that and our future. It does. Specially when I did so much for this girl. I was her bestfriend when hers left, I was her "doctor", psychologists, had self esteem issues, medical issues, teacher for english or school, I was there for EVERYTHING. I would console her and be there for her at ALL the times. Sure, it was rocky and I made the mistake of not advancing the relationship when she was pushing for it so hard. But I still gave her the BEST of me and even woke up on my side of the planet just so we could talk on HER morning. One question I would like an answer to is if I should have left her as soon as she told me that she will not delete him? There were so many times I should have ended things with her because of her mistakes but this one sticks out to me the most and also the time she kissed some other dude in the club drunk. Just ranting really. I'm starting NC again. She agreed that she would try. That we would try. That she would break up with him and tell him about us. But no, she didn't do it. She "can't." I'm going NC for healing really. I dont care if she comes back (well maybe a little) but at this point I'm honestly sick of her behavior. We are nothing but pawns. When I asked her to delete that guy she said she "couldn't." I confronted her and told her she was using us as backups but always denied it until we broke up. She didn't wanna let him go just in case things went bad and she is doing the same thing to me. "We can talk good and normal for now and my feelings my change. Then we can try." WTF. She admitted she told him the same thing. It honestly hurts a lot to lose her. But I can't be like that other guy. I can't believe he stayed, let her humiliate him, use him, talk to him when we fought about him, or even waited for us to done talking so they could talk. How can one lower themselves like that? How can they be there sabotaging the relationship like that? And my last question is: How can there be people that want to actively sabotage a relationship with a happy couple. Why? Fackin why? I'm sorry, just venting. Straight NC for now. I will not reply to any of her messages even has hard as it might be. fack Edited June 9, 2014 by Bumpin in My Trunk
Author Bumpin in My Trunk Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 Well, I've been NC since yesterday and she sent me this: "I loved u too, so much. I still do and i always will. Cuz i know u as a great person and i cant hate someone like u. I really wish we will meet one day even if i know u probably feel hate for me now cuz im doing this, but its better for both of us. Dont think im alright with it and its easy for me, its very hard for me to tell u goodbye forever and i won't do that. Whenever u feel u need someone to talk about anything ill be here for u to help u. Right now, i can give u at least that, after everything what happened between me and u. I wish u and ur familly all the best and take care. I never wanted to be like this. Unfortunatly it is. I love you." Very obviously some breadcrumbs and olive branch of friendship. Like the NC guide says, "DONT TAKE IT." And just to be clear I didn't accept. I didnt even respond to that even thought I've been so temped to do it. "Right now, i can give u at least that, after everything what happened between me and u" This kinda trips me up. I would like some members' input on what she said. Don't get me wrong, Im trying my best to move on. I dont check phone or fb or skype. I dont text or call her. But it still is very hard to move on when I'm feeling so lonely. I would like to have some relief from knowing what that line meant. Anyway...1st day of NC. I'm wishing myself luck. Signing off
beach Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 (edited) Help anybody? I had this girl I was talking to in real life. We were going all good until she flaked. Its really hard knowing that now you are all alone Talking to someone is not the same as dating someone. Did you even meet her in real life? You didn't send her money did you? Edited June 10, 2014 by beach
Author Bumpin in My Trunk Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 Talking to someone is not the same as dating someone. Did you even meet her in real life? You didn't send her money did you? Yes I met her in real life. She even planned to meet up and have lunch but she just stopped talking to me. It wasnt until I asked her if she was mad at me that she responded and said, "no I'm just having a hard time with dads affair and moving aroud with mom." I guess I'm at the point where I can't believe anything anymore. But no, I didn't send any money to any girl. Why, if I may ask?
Author Bumpin in My Trunk Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Facking breadcrumbs. And through facebook. Posting song and lyrics to it "I’ll wait for you, I’ll wait forever Hear my prayer as I search for heaven For the love, for the love of an angel For the love, for the love I pray Hear my prayer, take me to heaven" Which makes me think this is really cruel. She knows I'm religious and go to church and believe in heaven. But yet she wants to make it ambiguious between me and him when she already made her choice. lol she only wants me to come back running like I used to. I honestly believe this isn't hard at all on her like she said. This guy that I've been competing with for the past 9 months is apparently "more for her" and "are better together." If it's really that way, then she will forget me in a couple months even after everything I did for her. Buuuuut on the good news.... Anyway, I know its nothing. It's been the 3rd day of NC and while I am depressed since I'm awfully alone and going through a lot of rubbish at home, I have to say I'm making a lot progress. Hunger is coming back. I can sleep a bit better. I've blocked her on skype so I dont see her and she doesnt see me. I've never actually stalked her fb so I dont have a problem with that. Today that status just came up on news feed. And I havent even gotten on whatsapp even if some people messaged me. Sometimes I feel anger, sadness, longing for the past and to fix things but I try to focus on how much she's broken my trust and heart and even more when she did something that I shouldn't have forgiven. I'm getting there step by step. I just need to continue NC and heal. I've been going out a bit more...flirting...practicing my british accent and focusing on school. It gets hard when I'm alone with my thoughts but I'm pulling through. No need to reply. I'm just letting it out. And as of right now I'm a bit hungry
Author Bumpin in My Trunk Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 As I suspected The breadcrumb on fb was about me. And now she has sent me this message. Or more like breadcrumb. "[My name], i really cant take this. Its hurting me so much, my day is not ok if i dont talk to u. At least, answer to me, tell me that you are good, i really worry and i just wanna know that u r ok, please text me when u see this" I will admit that even If I'm moving on I still want the whole damn loaf. I mean, thats the facking reason we always fought. Because she wasnt commiting herself to me 100% and still had contact with that guy. I wanted her for me and for me ONLY. I hate sharing. The only reason I put up with her **** in December is because I didn't wanna lose her completely and I hoped that she would actually be 100% mine. Now, this is the part where you guys REALLY need to reply. I need help. I'm tempted to respond. I know I should wait until I'm healed completely or until I get a "i regret it, lets try again." Should I reply, even short?
beach Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 No response is needed. Notice she's creating drama? She hasn't stated that anything would change or that she's learned about herself how to be decent to you. No - don't respond.
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