i thought first cuts were the deepest.. not the second. Don't understand..

[django86]

My boyfriend and I of 3 years ended about 3 weeks ago.

 

New years eve last year, we finally moved in together. I had just finished uni and we waited for me to finish before we committed to living together. He took me shopping, let me pick anything for the house. Just after new years, surprised me with a puppy. I thought everything in my life was peachy, id finally found my man.. Before this relationship, i had a traumatic relationship and break up. Never thought id find love again...

 

Fast forward a couple of months, cracks started to show. He started picking fights, e.g you have no drive and ambition, I can't my own decisions, would get angry if i spent too much time on the internet, laying on the couch with the puppy too long etc. Our weekends became doing our own thing, never wanted me to help with outdoor tasks.. I was left to do all housework, shopping, cooking etc. I had a health issue, a random outbreak of extreme excema which i now attribute to stress and the one time i broke down and cried as i was in so much pain he says "don't look to me for sympathy, i don't do sympathy".

 

I could feel him pulling away from me and i started asking about our future and where he saw us heading, i told him i wanted to be with him long term and working towards engagement/ babies in around 5 years or more.. My ex is also a daily marijuana user, smokes at night to relax.

 

I do have issues with anxiety and have been seeing a therapist for months. I found the transition from uni to working very hard, my first job was not a good job and i was very unhappy. WHich i left after finding another job which i love. I tried explaining to him that i was having this issue and that i needed time to settle into a routine etc. He kept saying "i thought things would change after you started working" "you have no idea how much i have to bite my tongue around you" etc etc. He would say "i would think you improved and changed and then two seconds later you do something wrong again and i realise you haven't changed" i asked for examples so I could work on things and improve myself but he could never give me any example.

 

I know i shared my issues and concerns in all aspects of my life with him, but i never looked to him to solve anything, i just felt so comfortable talking to him. But he looked at it like i was burdening him with my stresses. After a few mini fights which i never really retaliated in as I'm very easy going, he finally asked me to leave..

 

After we broke up, he told me that his business was struggling, he was very stressed and couldn't handle the relationship issues as well as his business, so he broke it off.. The business is at make or break and is facing the possibility of having to shut up shop. He never once shared this with me and i feel had he been honest and open, i wouldn't have burdened him so much with my own issues..

 

I am so crushed, im 28 years old, i thought i had finally got my man, my career, my house, my pup. and then it was all taken away from me. I have been through heartbreak before, but i thought the first one was the hardest one. I am not coping with this one at all...

 

Can anyone provide me with a point of view on this situation- did I cause the breakup being a burden? was it really the stress? does daily marijuana use negatively affect relationships??

 

also, am i wrong in thinking the first breakup is the worst? I can't stop obsessing over this whole thing. i feel like i lost my world, my being. thanks so much.. struggling so badly