3yr Relationship ended, how do i cope when we still live together?

[let-it-go]

I’m thinking and feeling so much that I thought I would try andwrite it down and share.

 

My bf and I have been together 3years, I moved in with himafter 10months, at his suggestion. Then last year he suggested we sell hishouse and buy somewhere together. I did everything to try and be the perfect gf, maybe I tried too hard? I always made his dinner (evenif he was home first and I didn’t get in till 7.30) and made sure he had lunchto take to work. I had more days off than he did so kept up with the house work and did his errands.

 

We might have been stuck in a bit of a rut, not going outmuch, but that was because we were saving more money for a deposit.

 

Then on the 19th he went away for 5 days on a fieldtrip (he’s a teacher). He seemed fine when he walked back in on the 23rd. Gave me a big hug. The weekend passed as it usual does, we went for lunch athis nans on Sunday too. Then Sunday eve,he said the famous ‘we need to talk’. His concern was that he didn’t miss me while he was away. I said I didn’t expecthim too as he would have been busy and knew he was coming back! That maybe we were too young (we are both 27) to settle down, but none of his friends are still going out, most of them are married/have children. He said as he didn’t goaway for uni, that he felt he needed to do something crazy, didn’t get that out of his system. Then he said that he feltlike something was missing, something exciting. I said, well we’ll try and do more, and that he should see his friends more. He agreed and said that he loved me and that he would try and do more and for me to find a spa so we could go away for a night.

 

Then I came home from work Monday, and he said he couldn’t gethis head straight and that he needed space. I begged for him to try and work itout. But in the end he said he felt he couldn’t. So he left. He spent two nights with friends,and then I spent one night away with friends. Then on Thursday he CALLED me to say that I needed to move back into my house. That he felt like he needed to be on his own to sort his head out. I said was he sure and that I thought he wasthrowing everything away, that he should try. I said he was making a mistake, he agreed but said it was his mistake to make. Then his mum rang me, she was also very confused, she expect us to getmarried at some point!

 

Throughout all this I kept expecting him to change his mind, as he did this after 3months into our relationship.

 

I sent him a few texts after this, just to confirm where we’d both be and who was going to look after our two dogs that day. I get to keep the dogs as one was mine before we got together and we couldn’t separate them now. He loves them I know, but he can’t have them. I love them too much. He knows this. Though I’m slightly daunted that I now have two to look after on my own.

 

I initially didn’t want to move back to my house as it wasin a different area, but after two days of searching I couldn’t find anywhereto rent that would be suitable and allow two dogs. So I finally bit the bullet and rang the estate agents. Turns out I can’t move back into my house till the 10th August!

 

I text him this, very calmly and said if he needed todiscuss this to ring me. So last night he did. And I couldn’t help myself, I still begged for him to work it out…. Said how I’d been thinking about everything that went wrong, that we should have communicated better… etc etc. but he didn’t say anything. I said was he sure this was what he wanted. Blah blah blah. That we could go back to dating, I could still moveout. He said it wasn’t fair to make me wait. THEN, he said he’d had an offer on the house, and that if he decided tosell, the lady wanted to be in by July! I said I didn’t have anywhere to go and what would I do about the dogs? He said his mum would look after them.

 

 

He then changed the subject and asked how the dogs were andasked if I had cancelled the joint credit card yet. He said I could put what I needed for the house on there this week, but then the sooner we cancelled the soonerwe could divide up what is in the joint account.

 

I feel devastated. I don’t know where this has come from,but he gave me the impression that things haven’t been right for a while. But then why didn’t he talk to me?

 

He’s managed to turn my life upside down. All my friends are now in that area, my gym, the dog groomer, everything, now I’ll have to move 30miles away. I don’t know what I’ll do if he sells.

 

I can hardly sleep, and I’m not eating well. I’m struggling to hold it all together. My sister livestwo hours away and my mum lives in another country. My friends have been amazing though. Turns out they never thought he was goodenough for me anyway, but they put up with him as I loved him. He wasn’t ever really affectionate either, but I just put it down to who he was.

 

How do you do NC when there is still so much to sort out? Soatm, I’m living in the house and he’s moved in with his mum (which was what weagreed would happen if we split), and he takes the dogs out when I’m onnights/working late.

 

I guess I just have to wait and see if he decided to sell…(I did ask why he wanted to sell… to get a bigger place, but it would depend on how much he could borrow....).

 

The things is I now hate him for not trying and doing this to me, but I still love him and miss him. I hate that he’s making me feel worthless and scared to be without him. Though I know that’s me and my insecurities.

 

Thoughts?

[d0nnivain]

You don't go NC while you are sorting out the living space, the things & the money. You sort them out. When you seperate all the stuff, you walk away & then you go NC. You have to take care of business 1st.

[acidrein_08]

It looks like part of our situation is similar. My girlfriend packed all her things up and moved out yesterday after 2 and a half years together. I feel a lot of the same things you are feeling right now. Where did it go wrong, why so sudden, and mainly what to do. I'm left in the apartment we got together after she told me she never wanted to see me again. She moved back in to her dads until she finds her own place, but she showed no emotion when she left. Its hard i know you sound like a wonderful girlfriend, and I'm sorry this is happening to you also. Maybe going through a lot of the same things we can help each other cope. I hope things work out for you.

[let-it-go]

Is it possible I tried too hard? Did I mother him?

 

Also, looking back, maybe I was settling because he was comfortable? I think maybe I'm scared of change too. Even, realising all this doesn't help with the pain though. Maybe I was just in love with his full potential.

 

I will be going through paperwork tomorrow to try and sort things out. But I can't help but feel suspicious that the house has suddenly sold. It has been on the market for a year, and now suddenly he gets the full asking price? It could be a coincidence, but part of me feels like he just wants me out asap. Which is fine with me, but I don't have much control over the situation.

 

acidrein_08 it's a horrible situation to be in. I don't even feel like I know this person anymore. It's hard to let go of all the questions I have, but I suppose the answers don't really matter. He doesn't want to be with me and that's that. I just feel like a bit of failure when I think I tried so hard to make him happy. And it wasn't enough.

[veggirl]

Did you enjoy having to do all the cooking and cleaning?? Or were you doing it just to keep him? It sounds like your relationship was not very balanced.

[let-it-go]

It wasn't very balanced. And looking back on it, he didn't treat me amazingly. Not to say that he treated me badly, but he wasn't very romantic and was happy to just let me care for him etc

 

Turns out, most of my family and friends have said they didn't really like him and that he honestly wasn't good enough for me (though they didn't want to say anything earlier as they saw how I loved him). Which he also admitted.

 

Even realising all this, I still miss him. I was content most of the time. Maybe I just stayed because it was familiar and safe...

[acidrein_08]

Yeah i think our pain has a lot to do with how we were so comfortable to our situation, and such a big change, not just breaking up but all the other stuff we have to deal with makes it even more of a struggle. 3 years is a long time, you've made a ton of memories with that person and those don't just go away. I know things in our relationship weren't perfect, i wish she would have cooked and stuff for me considering i worked 2 jobs and she had way more free time, but it was me who did most of the cooking and cleaning and sometimes she didn't even act like she appreciated it. It doesn't change the fact that i miss her like hell and am willing to do everything to make it work, but its not up to just us, they have to meet somewhere in the middle and right now that doesn't seem to be anywhere close to happening. Do you still talk to him? I've not contacted her since she left yesterday and that is the biggest struggle.

[let-it-go]

I've not seen him since he walked out saying he needed to clear his head. Which was now a week ago. We've had two phone conversations, one where he asked me to move out and one where he said he might sell the house and can I leave sooner.

 

We've had a few texts but that's only been about who would be at the house and who would be there for the dogs.

 

 

I feel so betrayed. I put my all into this relationship, and I cant believe how easily he could just throw it away without trying to fix it.

 

His mum contacted me last night asking to walk the dogs with me this afternoon. I'll update after.....