WHY do dumpers keep breaking up with the 'let's just be friends' line??

[Ordinaryday]

I never understood it - for one, EVERYONE knows the line is the most cliched line in the book, everyone knows that it is ridiculously rare that a dumper who says it actually means it, ie they still want you in their life and still want to keep seeing you on a regular basis just as a 'friend' instead of a lover.

 

everytime I have gotten that line I have lost all respect for the dumper cos they didn't even have the courtesy to give me the truth, they had to resort to cliches and I just feel insulted that after everything we went through they still felt I was not worth the truth.

 

secondly, even IF, hypothetically, they did mean what on earth makes them think I would want them as a friend?? what on earth makes them think I would continue to give up my time, effort and resources to stay in contact with someone who dumped me and gave up on me? most dumpees are not masochists, we don't enjoy being hurt, and staying in regular contact as a 'friend' with someone who broke our heart seems only marginally less painful than smacking ourselves in the head with a hammer.... seriously, what makes them think we would say 'yes' to it, even if it were a legit offer?

 

and finally, the fact that EVERYONE knows it is a cliche just makes it seem like such an insulting thing to say.... like when you tell a child 'only judge people on the inside, never on what they look like' which I agree is NICE ADVICE but the problem is we live in a VERY SUPERFICIAL society in which people ARE CONSTANTLY judged on what they look like, so even though it sounds nice it is inaccurate.

 

why can't they just be courageous enough to say 'sorry, this is not working out. I wish you all the best with the future, please don't contact me again' which at least would be honest???

 

when a dumper says 'let's just be friends' to me and I know it is a lie it makes me think... so what else have they lied about? if they are lying about that, in what other ways were they dishonest with me?? and then I lose all the trust I ever had for them!

 

so... EVERYONE knows it is a cliche, everyone knows the dumper very rarely means it and yet despite all this people continue to get dumped with 'let's just be friends' every single day! why? explain this to me!

[Trimmer]

OK, I'll take a shot at it... I would challenge the veracity of this assumption:

EVERYONE knows it is a cliche, everyone knows the dumper very rarely means it...

 

With the benefit of some combination of age and experience, you have come to see that this is true, but not everybody knows this by instinct from birth. It actually works for the first few times, because people don't ALL know everything about how relationship breakups work.

 

And even once we do have some experience with breakups, it is a powerful thing our minds do to protect us, so a dumper offers a tiny bit of face-saving "let's just be friends" and the dumpee takes whatever bit of crumbs are available "oh yeah, of course..." and it smooths things over and avoids mutual humiliation until they can get away from each other and reality eventually sets in.

 

It's a social construct - a little dance that we do. It's almost like it's better when it happens between two people with experience, because they both know it's like a face-saving handshake - both understanding that it doesn't mean anything except a semi-graceful way to back away from each other. The grief comes when you have someone without experience, who actually believes it.

[Ordinaryday]

The grief comes when you have someone without experience, who actually believes it.

 

That happened to me the very first time I ever got dumped. we had heaps of mutual interests and when she gave me the 'let's just be friends' line I assumed she actually meant it and I continued to contact her for awhile, because she was genuinely a cool person and I still wanted her in my life (I was young and inexperienced), and she basically just ignored all my contact...

 

it was only after she kept ignoring me did I realise that 'let's just be friends' in most cases is just a 'polite' way of saying 'it was nice knowing you, have a nice life'

[Kevin_D]

I would say that this line is mostly used by women. Here's my take:

 

- They actually mean it to some degree. They want to keep the door open, until they know that their relationship with the replacement guy is working out. Many times women breakup because they're attracted to someone else, but they are still afraid to lose the emotional support that they've taken for granted.

 

- They try to get rid of some of the guilt. This is a very common pattern: Girls falls for another boy, girl picks hundreds of fights with her boyfriend, girl then explains that even though she loves him, she relationship isn't working out, but she always be there as a friend. This way they can convince themselves that they made a rational decision.

 

- They tend to look for the easy way out by asking others what to say. How many times have you read the question "I love my boyfriend, but have fallen for somebody else. What do I tell him?". Yeah, that's what I thought.

 

***

 

Of course, this doesn't only apply to women, but in my experience the line is much more frequently used among women. Sorry if I offended anyone.

[roe007]

I would say that this line is mostly used by women. Here's my take:

 

- They actually mean it to some degree. They want to keep the door open, until they know that their relationship with the replacement guy is working out. Many times women breakup because they're attracted to someone else, but they are still afraid to lose the emotional support that they've taken for granted.

 

- They try to get rid of some of the guilt. This is a very common pattern: Girls falls for another boy, girl picks hundreds of fights with her boyfriend, girl then explains that even though she loves him, she relationship isn't working out, but she always be there as a friend. This way they can convince themselves that they made a rational decision.

 

- They tend to look for the easy way out by asking others what to say. How many times have you read the question "I love my boyfriend, but have fallen for somebody else. What do I tell him?". Yeah, that's what I thought.

 

***

 

Of course, this doesn't only apply to women, but in my experience the line is much more frequently used among women. Sorry if I offended anyone.

 

You are right on the money my friend. I agree with you totally. Numerous times I have heard the same thing from a girl well I specify girl because I guess they act immature and women are more mature. We all get attracted to random people I had crushes when I was in a serious relationship but at the end of the day they are just crushes nothing more. But falling for someone while in a relationship with someone else is disrespectful. I won't entertain a friendship after break up just because they disrespected our feelings. They acted selfish and made the choice so why should we cling on to someone who takes us for granted? I hate being a random choice for someone we are no less than anyone in this world.

[No Limit]

The "we'll be just friends' line is one to just nod to and then cut all ties.

It's just meant to smooth things over, because for some reason there are still people out there believing in easy breakups. But let me tell you, if a breakup is really easy for the dumpee and he'll be on his merry way, then the dumper has been the only one in that relationship.

[carhill]

In the business world, such words are known as 'not burning bridges'.

 

While the motivations in romantic relations may be different and far more varied, the effect is similar; a pleasant sounding ending is often easier to digest than a rancorous sounding ending, or so the people who use such language believe. Responses vary.

[stillafool]

WHY do dumpers keep breaking up with the 'let's just be friends' line??

 

They only say this to soften the blow and somehow relieve their guilt. Nothing more. Never take them seriously when they tell you this.

[Doubtsforever]

I guess it definitely depends of the nature of the first relationship.

I have noticed that if the relationship was bad to begin with then that friends offer is just another way to try and mess you up some more.

 

 

found this in another web and agree with it:

 

1. to hook back up if they get a taste of their own medicine (come running back tail between their legs so to speak...with an apology and a sad puppy look to melt hearts pfffftttttt!)

2. for future booty calls

3. to try and mess up your relationships

4. because they think that having dated you gives them power over you/ownership of sorts of you

5. they think you'll fall back at their feet first chance you get! forgive everything and pretend they weren't jerks

6. because they're players

7. because they wanted something different but never really got over you

8. They think they can have it all...

7. so they can have benefits with you behind the new gf's back

[Hoosfoos]

This is what it means to me:

 

"I may have dumped you, and you're probably feeling like rotten s#it, but I'm still a nice person, so I'm offering you friendship as a consolation prize. Plus I don't want to be rid of you completely, so I selfishly want to hang onto a piece of you."

[Survivor12]

My take-- to believe that "let's be friends" means staying in touch, spending time together, reminiscing, supporting each other (i.e. being FRIENDS) is an example of being too literal.

 

What it really means is: let's let the relationship end without argument or further discussion, be cordial if we happen to run into each other & not trash talk each other to mutual friends...or, "don't ask questions, just go away".

 

The meaning of the word "friend" has become as distorted as the word "love" always has been (Exhibit 1: Facebook).

 

If you doubt what I say,...let's do lunch.

[ponchsox]

Because sometimes they actually care for you and still want you in their lives if you accepted them. Breaking up may be based on circumstances beyond your control. I am working towards building a friendship with an ex that broke up with me last year. We still text each other cordially and spoke after our breakup. I'm not looking to get back with her but I still like her as a person and wish her well.

[writergal]

 

If you doubt what I say,...let's do lunch.

 

lol!!!

 

Ah, the cheesy break up lines of dating. There are so many worse than the "let's be friends" cliche.

 

In addition to the friends one, I found some of these online and they are priceless (because they are so awful):

 

"I feel like this breakup has made our relationship so much stronger."

 

"Really, our time together has become more effort than you're worth."

 

"I wish I could say you're the most priceless person in the world...but you're not."

 

"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."

 

"I need to see other women to prove to myself that you are genuine."

 

"She said that she was better for me than you, so I had no choice but to defend our love and prove her wrong. You should thank me for that."

 

"You're an investment with no return."

 

"Really it's not you...I'm just going through a selfish phase..."

Edited June 1, 2014 by writergal

[writergal]

Because sometimes they actually care for you and still want you in their lives if you accepted them. Breaking up may be based on circumstances beyond your control. I am working towards building a friendship with an ex that broke up with me last year. We still text each other cordially and spoke after our breakup. I'm not looking to get back with her but I still like her as a person and wish her well.

 

The reasons an ex wants you in their life after they break-up with you are usually self-serving reasons, never for your benefit as the dumpee. That is just based on my own personal experience with breakups.

 

I'm only friends with a few of my exes, and that's because we have a mutual respect for each other AFTER we worked through our relationship issues post-breakup which took a lot of work. Not every ex is deserving of a dumpee's friendship and the friendship idea has to be mutual, not one-sided.

[Zing]

Because they are a coward and/or liar. It's that simple really. People can try to justify it but it's literally a way to get rid of you while feeding you false hope of some kind of connection. It's the most pathetic thing you can do to a person at the end of a relationship in my opinion.

[jbelle6]

I would say that this line is mostly used by women. Here's my take:

 

- They actually mean it to some degree. They want to keep the door open, until they know that their relationship with the replacement guy is working out. Many times women breakup because they're attracted to someone else, but they are still afraid to lose the emotional support that they've taken for granted.

 

- They try to get rid of some of the guilt. This is a very common pattern: Girls falls for another boy, girl picks hundreds of fights with her boyfriend, girl then explains that even though she loves him, she relationship isn't working out, but she always be there as a friend. This way they can convince themselves that they made a rational decision.

 

- They tend to look for the easy way out by asking others what to say. How many times have you read the question "I love my boyfriend, but have fallen for somebody else. What do I tell him?". Yeah, that's what I thought.

 

***

 

Of course, this doesn't only apply to women, but in my experience the line is much more frequently used among women. Sorry if I offended anyone.

 

 

LOL, no. I have gotten that line every time. Every line on here that men say only women do, men have done to me.

[jbelle6]

Ha! I got the trifecta of breakup cliches!!!

 

"I love you but I don't know if I'm IN love with you" (I don't love you)

"I still want you in my life as friends" (get lost)

"I don't want/can't be in a relationship with anyone right now" (I met someone else)

 

 

Peppered in all of that I got the "I really need to work on myself right now" (you really have issues to work on) "you deserve better" (I deserve/can do better)

 

It really was sublime.

[PersonaPersona]

Ha! I got the trifecta of breakup cliches!!!

 

"I love you but I don't know if I'm IN love with you" (I don't love you)

"I still want you in my life as friends" (get lost)

"I don't want/can't be in a relationship with anyone right now" (I met someone else)

 

 

Peppered in all of that I got the "I really need to work on myself right now" (you really have issues to work on) "you deserve better" (I deserve/can do better)

 

It really was sublime.

 

 

Sigh

 

It's bad when you hear all of these in one session. Why can't people just be honest?

[Ordinaryday]

Ha! I got the trifecta of breakup cliches!!!

 

"I love you but I don't know if I'm IN love with you" (I don't love you)

"I still want you in my life as friends" (get lost)

"I don't want/can't be in a relationship with anyone right now" (I met someone else)

 

 

Peppered in all of that I got the "I really need to work on myself right now" (you really have issues to work on) "you deserve better" (I deserve/can do better)

 

It really was sublime.

 

BRAVO! that was the most brilliant truly honest thing I have ever read here! the only thing I would add is:

 

"It's not you, it's me" (IT'S YOU!)

[jbelle6]

Sigh

 

It's bad when you hear all of these in one session. Why can't people just be honest?

 

 

T'was a thing of beauty. You'd almost have to make an effort to get ALL those suckers in there.

[jbelle6]

BRAVO! that was the most brilliant truly honest thing I have ever read here! the only thing I would add is:

 

"It's not you, it's me" (IT'S YOU!)

 

 

Oh Ordinary, he tried, he really tried, but he got to "it's not you..." and I just said, "ya, It's me."

Oh!!! And I also got "you're a wonderful girl!!!" (you're really not that great)

Edited June 2, 2014 by jbelle6

[Ordinaryday]

Oh Ordinary, he tried, he really tried, but he got to "it's not you..." and I just said, "ya, It's me."

Oh!!! And I also got "you're a wonderful girl!!!" (you're really not that great)

 

I got "you are such an amazing wonderful guy and I am certain you will find another girl almost immediately, cos any girl would be lucky to have you!" (you are a loser, get lost)

[JustC]

I stopped using that sorry line when I graduated from high school. My most recent ex used a version of this with me. My response? That I didn't want to be his friend. That I don't believe he treated me very well (he said some really disgusting things to me during the break up fight, the friends cr*p was a week later) and I could never be "friends" with someone like him. Okay, that response was in my head and while venting with friends. I didn't even respond to that stupid, "I have it in me to still be your friend" email.

[jbelle6]

I got "you are such an amazing wonderful guy and I am certain you will find another girl almost immediately, cos any girl would be lucky to have you!" (you are a loser, get lost)

 

 

 

Aren't they fun to translate!

You either laugh or you cry, I'd rather laugh. I honestly didn't even ask him any questions about why or if there really wasn't anyone else because after getting that canned speech I so knew he would just lie.

I'm gonna go look at the unflattering picture I have of him as my screensaver now. Shallow? Yes, but it makes me smile.

[Kevin_D]

One of my favorites:

 

"I've become too dependent on you and need to learn how to take care of myself".

 

(I'm going to wait a week before I make my new relationship official)