firmness Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Do you think that men and women should expect different levels of privacy? I have heard advice given before from woman to woman saying that if her man asked for access to emails and texts that he is a controlling jerk. Many women agreed. Then on a thread tonight I saw women saying to a woman that her boyfriend has no right to privacy if he is in a relationship because he was not giving her the details she expected. What do you think? Is it more or less controlling for either gender?
Lernaean_Hydra Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 (edited) Everyone of course should have a degree of privacy, regardless of gender and I don't believe anyone has a "right" to have their partners passwords or unfettered access to their cellphones, etc. However I do believe anyone who goes out of their way to make sure their partner has zero access or even the slightest chance of ever stumbling upon a text message or email is either likely up to no good or not to be trusted. That said, of the two scenarios you listed, one was a person asking for access to personal documents and accounts, while the other was someone who wanted a bit more details on something private. So far I have yet to see any threads where anyone was advocating either gender have "no right to privacy" for any reason, nor have I seen women saying, or being told they should have unlimited access to personal doccuments and devices of their male partners. It's equally controlling for either gender but if there are times when the so-called "expectation of privacy" seems more like an expectation to keep everything hidden and remain suspiciously secretive indefinitely and never ever be called on it. Edited June 1, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra 1
somedude81 Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Nobody has a right to their partners private information regardless of genders. Might I add that no gender is more likely to cheat than the other. 2
MissBee Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 (edited) Everyone has a right to privacy. However in relationships what is and isn't private is telling...and also secrecy and deliberate obfuscation are not the same as general space and privacy. I've never been in a relationship where my passwords were demanded neither have I ever demanded them from anyone and wouldn't dream of it. We respect the other person's space and things and privacy. Privacy is a given. My bf has his own space, passwords, things I'm sure he keeps to himself...as do I but it's not anything I consciously hide or go out of my way to keep secret or cheekily announce that it's private...I see that as the same level of silliness as living in a home with your SO and then having a room where you have a sign saying "Private: KEEP OUT!". That is only gonna cause strife and contention and seems secretive and deliberately alienates the other person and leaves them out. However, normal couples may have their own drawers, their own desks, various spaces that are theirs where their spouse doesn't go rummaging through because they respect them and their stuff...that is normal and how adults handle privacy, it's not anything to make a to-do over, but normal boundaries and space...the former however (deliberately announcing you have private things you don't want them privy to) is what doesn't work in relationships and promotes suspicion and alienation instead of partnership. My relationships have been pretty transparent so my passwords and other things aren't a secret neither do I go out of my way to be vague or obfuscate things or hide things or give him any reason to be suspicious. Example: if my bf and I are at the ATM together getting money out of courtesy I will be a bit away or kind of turn away if he's plugging in his PIN or if we're looking at the computer together I may do it too when he's putting in passwords, we both have lock screens on our phones and at times have needed to use the other's phone and he'll put in his code and I mine, I don't know his code neither does he mine, it's not because it's a secret though, just general respect for privacy. However if he needed to use it and my hands weren't free I'd have no issues telling him the code and he me...but even if he didn't tell me. Having privacy and being secretive look very different and feel very different. Being controlling and demanding passwords is clearly controlling no matter who is doing it. You did not specify the specific incident/thread topic you saw, but if it's what I'm thinking, a bf saying he has "personal stuff" to do is not about privacy but secrecy and is more akin to the "Private: KEEP OUT!" metaphor. My bf can do anything he wants with his time and is not obligated to report to me, nor I him, but we're pretty transparent with each other and because I care about him and he is part of my life, I'm not gonna vaguely say "I have personal stuff to do" and leave it at that. I will say what it is and if I really didn't want to say, I have a lot more tact and emotional intelligence to give an answer that is better than that and that won't make him feel alienated or like I'm being secretive. It's all about HOW you do things. If I need space and me time or am doing "personal stuff", whatever that means...I mean what is personal stuff? Then I either won't bring it up or say it in such a way that still makes my partner feel included. That's how healthy relationships work. It's not about demands, obligations and control but 2 people who FREELY share because they want to and who know how to handle privacy differently from being secretive. Edited June 1, 2014 by MissBee 2
carhill Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 What do you think? Opinion varies about the same as internet postings vary. Is it more or less controlling for either gender? Applying mathematics to emotion is, IMO, fruitless. People feel what they feel. Then they die. During my M, my skeletons were always in plain view. I have no idea about my exW, nor could I ever. Part of life!
Phoe Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I think all humans, regardless of gender, should have the right to certain simple privacies. the best balance in a relationship is when both parties are open with nothing to hide, but are both given privacy regardless, due to respect for one another. 5
MissBee Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I think all humans, regardless of gender, should have the right to certain simple privacies. the best balance in a relationship is when both parties are open with nothing to hide, but are both given privacy regardless, due to respect for one another. Ditto. Perfectly said. 2
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