Too attracted to my OM! Can't stop!! Tricky situation.

May 31, 2014

I am 43, married to my husband for 14 years now, he's same age as me, works for a local car dealer in management, but I've been having an affair with an OM who's 33 who lives locally. Our life's good generally, no issues, no major arguments, worries etc. My husband's become a bit samey sexually, he tries new activities, hobbies etc. with me but sex is a bit dull.

We don't have kids so I guess that reality's out. Hubby's a gentle man, helpful, does everyhting well, good cook, well-liked where we live here in the Midwest. He is great and I do LOVE him although lately it just feels a bit dull sexually. He wouldn't cheat on me, he's too good to do that. Our sex life was healthy and he'd have it when I wanted so I don't really know why i had the EA with this OM. The problem is I love both men... my husband and my OM. It's more like living with a best friend who I have sex with when with my husband.

This OM isn't married, works at a local garage and often seen him round 'town, he doesn't know I'm married. Sometimes I end up imagining what it'd be like leaving my husband, being day-to-day with him etc. It feels very sunshine-and-roses, I've known this man since 2011 now as a friend. His personality and humor are a little different from my husband's;physically he's like him 6"3, except my husband's Italian-American, I'm Mexican-American with an English father, Mexican mother.

I can't seem to find the courage to leave my husband. I still love him very much in my own way, but only very rarely do I not feel in love with him but I do love him very much regardless. We have a nice, easy life.....I don't know how to leave him, I feel like I would regret it....but I also don't know how to let go of this other guy.....

I really do not know what to do here! Help?!! WTH do I do????!!!

Edited June 1, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

May 31, 2014

You expect your H to compete with the lies and sneaking around and the excitement that THAT creates? NO way!

You aren't even being fair to your "too nice" husband.

Why not tell your nice husband who he's REALLY married to? A gal that lies and cheats on him.

You expect your M to be decent when most of your emotional energy is focused on your fantasy man - that's not a realistic expectation.

Your M isn't satisfying or exciting because of how YOU are participating.

You can change that.

May 31, 2014

I really do not know what to do here! Help?!! WTH do I do????!!!

Pick a man.

If you pick your H say "adios to the lover"

If you pick your OM say "adios to your H".

(and why did YOU lie to the OM?)

May 31, 2014

This OM isn't married, works at a local garage and often seen him round 'town, he doesn't know I'm married.

So you are deceiving two men at one. Is this how you love others?

I can't seem to find the courage to leave my husband.

Why not? No kids involved - you got a single man your more passionately attracted to ready for you....unless he changes how he feels about you once you tell him your married and divorcing a husband.

I don't know how to leave him, I feel like I would regret it....

Why do you think you would regret it? I mean OM is very much like your husband but "better in the sack". So why not just jump ships? What would you regret or loose by leaving your husband for OM?

I also don't know how to let go of this other guy.....

Of course not - you got hotter sex with a single guy- instead of same old boring with your husband - but a nice easy life with your husband being a good provider and partner. You have it all.

I really do not know what to do here! Help?!! WTH do I do????!!!

Well - first you tell the guy your seeing you been lying to him, and your married. Lets see what he says or does. Then you need to make some big decisions with your marriage. It is likely someday your husband will find out. I don't see how you repair it with your husband - because if your honest with him like you are with us - it basically comes down to "your a great husband and treat me well and things are nice and easy - but I am just bored of you sexually and the other guy is better"....I mean how does you reconcile that?"

Good luck.

May 31, 2014

My WW had an affair for six months. I was suspicious but found nothing. I was also described as "nice" until... Before this happens to you kick your OM to the curb. Get counseling. Tell your husband you have been cheating on him. Let him in on the war he is in but doesn't know. You have no kids so divorce is that much easier. You say you love your husband but that ended as soon as you had sex with another male. My WW said the same as you that she never stopped loving me. I asked her one question and she never said it again. My question, if you love me as you stand in front of me saying, do you honestly believe I would think of how much you love me as he starts to have sex with you? If you loved your husband you would be exclusive to him and him only. I have been destroyed by my WW's infidelity but I'm making a comeback. Funny thing is my WW doesn't find me as "nice" anymore. She finds me to cold and calculating and you may also find your husband can be too. No matter what the history in your relationship, infidelity is a sure fire way to wreck your life beyond comprehension. Good luck.

May 31, 2014

First I have to say that there are many women in abusive marriages out there who would LOVE to be married to someone like your H. (I know, because I was one of them). I will never understand how someone can voluntarily destroy a happy marriage and a wonderful spouse.

Second, it sounds to me - based on your Midwest location, use of the words 'locally', and some other hints in your post - that you are in a relatively small town. If so (and probably even if not so), you likely won't have to do anything to 'solve' this, because these situations have a way of imploding all on their own.

What you are doing is doubly despicable in my opinion because you are affecting the realities of TWO men, just because you are bored with sex in your marriage. First, you are deceiving your husband, which is all kinds of bad, so much so that I would have to write a book to describe how horrible it is.

But you are also deceiving this single OM by not telling him you are married. Read around this forum for awhile - there are several people here who were destroyed to learn that their partner had lied to them about their marital status, manipulating them into a relationship and emotional connection that they would have had NO desire to have with a person who was actually not available for a relationship. Do you not care what you are doing to him? What do you think will happen when (not IF) he finds out that you are married? No worries whether to tell your husband - he will do it for you, then your husband can finally know the realities of his own life and marriage and make informed choices for himself.

Sorry, but you won't get any sympathy from me. My answer to your question is that no matter what you do, your world as you know it is probably going to explode.

One more thing - if your husband decides to divorce you, there will be plenty of women out there who would love a nice, financially stable, loyal man as a husband. Including myself. And the sex won't be boring either!

Good luck!

May 31, 2014

jawanda, I can't even fathom that you want us to give you some ideas on how to leave your husband for someone else, when so many places in your post you talk about how great he is to you and how easy ya'll's life is. Many people on here accidentally fall in love with a married person, but it sounds like yours is premeditated because you're bored sexually. You never should have gotten married.

You hopefully are sweet as pie to your husband. If you have any decency in your heart, stop you're cheating and hopefully you didn't catch an STD. Trust me, this 33 year old isn't in love with you, you're giving IT away easily, there are too many men that are right there to scoop it up. But at ten years older, he's not going to want you, and he knows you're not marriage material.

I'd leave your husband ONLY for his sake, so he can find a woman who will be decent to him and isn't willing to spread her legs JUST because the 14 year marriage has gotten 'a little' dull sexually. Just a little dull, huh jawanda? Wow. And you're only too eager to throw away 14 years of marriage. Get out of the marriage, or get a vibrator, just don't hurt this man anymore.

May 31, 2014

I am 43, married to my husband for 14 years now, he's same age as me, works for a local car dealer in management, but I've been having an affair with an OM who's 33 who lives locally. Our life's good generally, no issues, no major arguments, worries etc. My husband's become a bit samey sexually, he tries new activities, hobbies etc. with me but sex is a bit dull.We don't have kids so I guess that reality's out. Hubby's a gentle man, helpful, does everyhting well, good cook, well-liked where we live here in the Midwest. He is great and I do LOVE him although lately it just feels a bit dull sexually. He wouldn't cheat on me, he's too good to do that. Our sex life was healthy and he'd have it when I wanted so I don't really know why i had the EA with this OM. The problem is I love both men... my husband and my OM. It's more like living with a best friend who I have sex with when with my husband. This OM isn't married, works at a local garage and often seen him round 'town, he doesn't know I'm married. Sometimes I end up imagining what it'd be like leaving my husband, being day-to-day with him etc. It feels very sunshine-and-roses, I've known this man since 2011 now as a friend. His personality and humor are a little different from my husband's;physically he's like him 6"3, except my husband's Italian-American, I'm Mexican-American with an English father, Mexican mother. I can't seem to find the courage to leave my husband. I still love him very much in my own way, but only very rarely do I not feel in love with him but I do love him very much regardless. We have a nice, easy life.....I don't know how to leave him, I feel like I would regret it....but I also don't know how to let go of this other guy.....I really do not know what to do here! Help?!! WTH do I do????!!!

Be honest with both men....that is WTH you do.

June 1, 2014

Boils down to one simple thing. She's selfish and only thinks of herself and if her husband isn't up to par in bed, it's too hard to sit down and talk to the man who love and respects you, takes care of you and has given yo a pretty good life so far and tell him that you need something in bed to better fulfill you.

You said he's a nice guy and I'm sure if you made your point to him he would do whatever it takes.

But you took the selfish route and brought another man in to your marriage and the cherry on top is your lying to both.

Some day, your going to be paid back in spades. Things like what your doing have a way of coming out and when it does, no doubt we'll either see you back here or your husband.

June 1, 2014

There is nothing tricky here, you are just selfish and want to have your cake and eat it too. Tell your husband you have cheated and go be with a guy who knowingly gets with a married woman..which you know those types are trash right? So you are trading in your husband for a scumbag. Tell your husband you have cheated so he can be rid of you, and then go be with this other creep.

That is all the advice anyone can really give you. You've cheated and lied to him, you've claimed you love him and stuff, but you don't act like it. You throw the word love around like it is a joke, that is what I got from this post. But okay, lets say that some part of you does care about him. It'd be a very very small part of you, but if there is anything there for him you will tell him what you have done.

June 1, 2014

OP

You have come to exactly the right place for advice. Here's mine:

Tell your husband you are having an affair. He will become a lot less boring, a lot less predictable, a lot less nice. You seem to need those things, so go ahead.

Or, tell your boyfriend you are married. This will either make him break up with you if he is decent, or keep on seeing you if he is a douche. That will let you know whether the "sunlight and roses" is for real!

Or, if you have decided to do nothing, to continue to "have your cake and eat it" as they say. Then the problem is you have a catastrophe coming in your life. Or if by chance you escape, then you are deceiving two people and stealing their ability to make decisions based on the truth.

OK, I understand, talk like you have found yourself in the situation. Let us pretend it just happened somehow and now you must deal with it.

Not choosing to take a path, is just being weak and selfish.

You have a fine husband and you place little value and respect on him (tell him the truth, then ask him how much value and respect he feels!).

You will realise at some point, how much of a mistake your affair was. Do not then tell yourself, nobody told you it would not work out well.

I wish you the strength to do the best thing for you long term, and best for the two men in your life (Hint: most people prefer not to be kept in the dark about their partner betraying them)

Edited June 1, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy

June 1, 2014

You want to cuckold your husband and keep your comfortable lifestyle while giving yourself to another man. Does your "Husband" deserve this kind of treatment from somebody who claims to love him because sex is "dull"? Its not a Tricky situation, its a Backstabbing, Deceitful, Incredibly Selfish situation.

Put the effort and energy into your Husband and Marriage by improving your sex life together.

You sound like a cougar in heat looking for excitement because you realize your looks are fading away into the sunset. How long do you think the 33 year old will stick around for you when the sex gets old and "dull" for him.

June 1, 2014

I am 43, married to my husband for 14 years now, he's same age as me, works for a local car dealer in management, but I've been having an affair with an OM who's 33 who lives locally. Our life's good generally, no issues, no major arguments, worries etc. My husband's become a bit samey sexually, he tries new activities, hobbies etc. with me but sex is a bit dull.

We don't have kids so I guess that reality's out. Hubby's a gentle man, helpful, does everyhting well, good cook, well-liked where we live here in the Midwest. He is great and I do LOVE him although lately it just feels a bit dull sexually. He wouldn't cheat on me, he's too good to do that. Our sex life was healthy and he'd have it when I wanted so I don't really know why i had the EA with this OM. The problem is I love both men... my husband and my OM. It's more like living with a best friend who I have sex with when with my husband.

This OM isn't married, works at a local garage and often seen him round 'town, he doesn't know I'm married. Sometimes I end up imagining what it'd be like leaving my husband, being day-to-day with him etc. It feels very sunshine-and-roses, I've known this man since 2011 now as a friend. His personality and humor are a little different from my husband's;physically he's like him 6"3, except my husband's Italian-American, I'm Mexican-American with an English father, Mexican mother.

I can't seem to find the courage to leave my husband. I still love him very much in my own way, but only very rarely do I not feel in love with him but I do love him very much regardless. We have a nice, easy life.....I don't know how to leave him, I feel like I would regret it....but I also don't know how to let go of this other guy.....

I really do not know what to do here! Help?!! WTH do I do????!!!

The first step is to be honest with both men and let them have some say over what kind of person they want to be with. The sooner you do this more chance you will have of rebuilding trust. If you continue with the double deceit you will find yourself alone.

June 2, 2014

Dump that other dude NOW and start spicing up your love/sex life with your husband.

June 2, 2014

Logically, what you are telling us does not make any sense. Firstly there is nothing that says love about the behavior that you describe. Secondly you are just as responsible for your dull sex life as your husband. If you want to try something new, then do it girl. Thirdly, if your affair is only emotional, you don't know that he is even as good in bed as your husband. Finally, you OWE it to your husband to be honest that you are not satisfied with the marriage, that you have been having and emotional affair with another man. You need to go no contact with the other man and put that effort in your marriage. Don't screw up what you describe as a good marriage over a fantasy. Get up Alice, it is time to leave Wonderland, go put on your big girl pants and get to work.

June 2, 2014

I really do not know what to do here! Help?!! WTH do I do????!!!

You treat your sex life with your husband like a spectator, not a partner & participant. If it's a bit dull, why not take steps to make it more exciting with your husband? Communicate with him about it, in a gentle nice way. Men are not difficult to arouse.

June 2, 2014

On this forum people are going try and shame you and make you feel guilty about your sex life. Use scare tactics by mentioning divorce and sexually transmitted disease. Some are going to attack you!

Its not her sex life people have an issue with- its the betrayal of her SO- plenty of people manage to have a great sex life without betraying others- they are not mutually exclusive-you can in fact being your own "sexual Goddess" (whatever that means) without lying and cheating- people do it all the time!

Stats do not relieve anyone of the wrongness of an action- heck, I can pull up stats on child abuse- does that make it any less wrong-?

June 2, 2014

OP- take from this thread what you will but I gently remind you that others feelings/lives (not as in life or death, but the day to day) are entwined in yours, always remember our actions do not exist in a vacuum but have ramifications to ourselves and other- chose wisely you impact on yourself and others-

June 2, 2014

Since this post appeared at 11:00 and the member logged out at 11:01 and hasn't been back, we'll call this a one post wonder, thank everyone for their comments and close it up.

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Too attracted to my OM! Can't stop!! Tricky situation.

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