stevo78 Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 (edited) New to the forum, wish I found it earlier. Need advice. My wife moved out 10 days ago after saying she wants to walk away from the marriage in a counselling session. Absolutely rocked my world and made all the wrong mistakes such as pleading, crying and trying to change her mind. I had a meltdown a few nights ago and called her upset which put her more pressure on her. She said we have lost the connection which I agree with now. We still get along well and have caught up a few times. I really want her back but she doesn't know what she wants and I have unfortunately been selfish and putting pressure on her and not giving her space to think. I plan on giving her space and getting on with fixing my anxiety and neediness issues. When we catch up we still have a kiss and hug which I don't know if its a good idea. Any idea on how I should proceed? back off the physical contact ? We plan on going out again but Im not sure if she is ready and only agreeing to see me so Im not upset. Full no contact will be hard as she currently living ten minutes away at her parents. She still comes around to get stuff and plays with our pets. Edited May 31, 2014 by stevo78
d0nnivain Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 If you are still in counseling, ask her to tell you how she thinks the connection can be re-established.
Author stevo78 Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 Until she decides what she wants im going to counselling by myself to sought my anxiety issues out. I have asked that and she doesn't know how. My concern is she doesn't want to try.
FredJones80 Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 Has she said any of these :- "I'm not happy anymore" "I love you but I'm not in love with you" Or similar?
Author stevo78 Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 Yep and Yep. I keep thinking there's more to it but trying to not go crazy thinking about. Giving her space to get her thoughts together.
FredJones80 Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 (edited) Yep and Yep. I keep thinking there's more to it but trying to not go crazy thinking about. Giving her space to get her thoughts together. Sorry to tell you, but that means there is another man in her life. All the separation will do is give her time to distance herself from your relationship. She won't know what to do because she is torn between falling "in love" with this new man or someone who has sparked her interest and you. Unfortunately the feeling of being "in love" will be greater. The best thing to do is start filing for divorce, force her hand. Look up going "180" on this forum. It is the only chance you have of saving your marriage but also be aware it is unlikely to work. Edited May 31, 2014 by FredJones80 1
oldshirt Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 Fredjones is right. Unless you are a drunk/druggie, abusive, have abandoned her, are chronically unemployed and aren't putting forth good-faith effort in finding a job, or are just plain mean to her, there is another man involved some how. Don't waste your time asking her, she will just say no. You need to do your own investigation without even asking her. Hack her emails and Facebook, get your hands on her cell phone bills, dig through her drawers and closets and anywhere she may stash stuff. Get a keylogger program for the computer, stash a voice activated recorder in her car and anywhere else she may feel safe to have a conversation. Hire a PI to follow her and dig further into it. Fred is also right that by doing the separation and giving her "space", it is just allowing her to further develop the relationship with this other guy. As a general rule, separations are a good step towards getting a divorce. If a couple (or individual has their mind set on a divorce, separation is a good step towards learning to become independent and taking care of all of your own affairs again. Unless there is violence or addiction, separation is not a positive step towards reconciliation. If you are wanting the marriage to remain intact, you are usually better off trying to remain living together under one roof.
beau2780 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Over the last year my wife and I have been slowly become more and more distant.. I sent her on vacation to California for a weekend.. When she returned she was even more distant and 3 days later she felt we should separate... so over the next 3 months we have had even more ups and downs due to my fear of loosing her, and her lack of motivation to seek counselling..This drove me into complete panic mode and she has now seen me at my weakest emotional state possible... and she totaly detached from me... To make matters worse, my mother fell very ill.. and now has contracted a very rare virus and could pass at any given time if she relapses...and a business venture i started early in the year totyaly failed and there has been money flying out of the bank account to cover overhead... So I am dealing with a terminaly Ill Mother, Failed Business, and My Wife is choosing to bail on me at my weakest point instead of holding me up... So my mental health has suffered.. She has watched me completely fall apart...She decided to move out.. but she signed a 12 month lease?... She says she does not want to get divorced, but a 12 month lease is very absolute.. It tells me she is not planning on coming back... Or am I wrong.... There are many more issues and it does go much deeper as far as our personality conflicts with each other within the marriage... But I never imagined in a million years she would do this without seeking some kind of help for us 1st before such an absolute descision was made... As a matter of fact we were planning to see a church paster on a monday... that morning my mother was released from the hospital when i told her the good news she cancelled the session and said she wants to seperate.. and she is done....We have completely sperated everything.. finances credit lines, phone services.. joint bills, any memberships we shared... Everything... ... So why no divorce.... i just dont get it... this has been completely unfair to me in every way... and i feel like she just wants to contrl the situatiom and keep me on the hook... what should i do.. should i file myself... or should i wait for her to come around a little bit?.... I know that i will not put my life and future on hold for her.. Not the way things have been done... Is he gone for good? Should I move on? or should i wait this out for a few months?? Help me!
Mr. Lucky Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Over the last year my wife and I have been slowly become more and more distant.. I sent her on vacation to California for a weekend.. When she returned she was even more distant and 3 days later she felt we should separate... so over the next 3 months we have had even more ups and downs due to my fear of loosing her, and her lack of motivation to seek counselling..This drove me into complete panic mode and she has now seen me at my weakest emotional state possible... and she totaly detached from me... To make matters worse, my mother fell very ill.. and now has contracted a very rare virus and could pass at any given time if she relapses...and a business venture i started early in the year totyaly failed and there has been money flying out of the bank account to cover overhead... So I am dealing with a terminaly Ill Mother, Failed Business, and My Wife is choosing to bail on me at my weakest point instead of holding me up... So my mental health has suffered.. She has watched me completely fall apart...She decided to move out.. but she signed a 12 month lease?... She says she does not want to get divorced, but a 12 month lease is very absolute.. It tells me she is not planning on coming back... Or am I wrong.... There are many more issues and it does go much deeper as far as our personality conflicts with each other within the marriage... But I never imagined in a million years she would do this without seeking some kind of help for us 1st before such an absolute descision was made... As a matter of fact we were planning to see a church paster on a monday... that morning my mother was released from the hospital when i told her the good news she cancelled the session and said she wants to seperate.. and she is done....We have completely sperated everything.. finances credit lines, phone services.. joint bills, any memberships we shared... Everything... ... So why no divorce.... i just dont get it... this has been completely unfair to me in every way... and i feel like she just wants to contrl the situatiom and keep me on the hook... what should i do.. should i file myself... or should i wait for her to come around a little bit?.... I know that i will not put my life and future on hold for her.. Not the way things have been done... Is he gone for good? Should I move on? or should i wait this out for a few months?? Help me! You'd be better off starting your own thread as you'll get responses specific to your situation... Mr. Lucky
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