Scorpio Chick Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Imagine an elderly couple, late 70's. Let's say they had three children, all grown with families of their own. Let's say we KNOW, we've been given the benefit of KNOWING, FOR A FACT, that the man stayed completely faithful to his wife. On their wedding day he said in front of both of their families and friends, and God, that he would stay faithful to her. Throughout the years he came in contact with beautiful women. He had a gorgeous secretary that worked for him for years. But though he had eyes, he didn't ogle for too long at any woman. He never started being too friendly to any woman that he found physically attractive. There were minor temptations, but he told himself he had made a VOW, that he made a promise and he wasn't going to go back on his own promise for a feeling a pretty woman gave him. So, he actually does stay faithful, not just to his wife, BUT TO HIMSELF, MEANING, HIS OWN WORD. He's got integrity. Was he any less tempted by women he saw than other men? No. We're all created equal, so that cannot be the case. HE, unlike men that CHOOSE to be unfaithful, simply decides to do what is truly right. Then there's a 53 year old man. Right now, as his wife is at work, doing nothing out of the ordinary, but just working. When she gets paid, a certain percentage will come out of her paycheck to be put in an account that she and her husband have. They've built up quite a bit for when they both can stop working and just.enjoy.life. She thinks on and off throughout the day of different things she could make for dinner. The same old same old thoughts. Meanwhile, her husband is at his job, and he gets up from his desk, he's bored and soooooooo sick of the mundaneness of EVERYTHING. He walks over to a young 30 something woman that he has mentioned to a few buddies of his, is smokin' hot. What he didn't share with his buddies is that he and this co-worker screw each other at least once a week. The sex is off the charts. Therefore, in his mind, sex with his wife, is boring. He and his wife took the same exact vows the elderly couple did. But, come on. This 53 year old, <cough> man, should not be expected to resist the temptation that presented itself in the form of this smokin' hot co-worker. And after all, he has been tempted soooo many times and resisted. He's even proud of himself for resisting when all he wanted to do was just f--k the hot women he has come in contact with. But with this hot co-worker, well, they actually see each other, and what the hell, they get along. His eyes are more affected by beauty what might suppose, than the faithful elderly man. The elderly man resisted, but why should the 53 year old resist? Laying in bed one night, after a particularly excellent sex session with his mistress, one where they felt such warmth in each other's arms afterwards, there was laughing, playfulness, it was incredible, he thinks. Then later that night, so as to keep up 'appearances' so to speak, he and his wife 'make love' when she makes a little move on him. Afterwards, this 53 year old man can't help but feel a little smug. He's got TWO women. One who he has moral and legal obligations to, and the other one? He has no obligation to. But they both have sex with him. What a beautiful setup - FOR HIM. Ten miles away in her bed, the mistress is in her bed, alone, falling asleep and wishing with an agony and aching and longing that she could spend the night with her 'affair partner'. The wife falls asleep, fairly contented and none the wiser for what is really going on. I would take the elderly man in a heartbeat if I had to choose between these two males. The first is fairly selfless and fair, and a man with integrity. The second is a selfish, self absorbed greedy gut, with a 'gimme' attitude about everything.
purplesorrow Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I think that choice is easy, most people want a faithful partner. Which one of the women would you want to be? I'm not enjoying being a betrayed wife, but don't think I'm really cut out to be the ow. In all honesty, I thought I was choosing the old faithful guy when I married. 4
Quiet Storm Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I agree but I think most OW see their MM as a good guy in a difficult situation. They view his actions as circumstantial and not character related. I never understood it, but I think the emotions in the affair feel so genuine and sincere, and they allow those feelings to override their logic. I think some OW subconciously discard info about his character that is very relevant, because they want it to work out so bad. 9
KathyM Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Why should the 53 year old man resist? Because hopefully he would value honesty and integrity, and his love and respect for his wife would prevent him from betraying her. Hopefully, he would value living an honest life and would want the love and respect of his wife and know that he deserves the love and respect of his wife. Most men can't live with the guilt of betraying their wife. Unless the man were devoid of empathy and love for his wife, he would be living with incredible guilt for his behavior. Most men don't want to live that way, and so they either refrain from cheating, or if they engage in it, their conscience and guilt eventually catches up with them and they stop. A person would have to be pretty devoid of compassion/empathy/love for their wife to not feel guilt about betraying her. Or some try to convince themselves that they deserve to cheat because their wife is somehow lacking, but that doesn't end up in the WS having a good relationship with his wife. The 53 year old man that you describe would fit the scenario of someone who is devoid of compassion/empathy/love for their wife if he can look his wife in the eye and present the image of a loving husband while feeling no guilt and leading a double life that betrays her. 1
A.Moscote Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Hopefully you will always have that conviction and value Scorpio. Now how about you twist the scenario a bit. Let's say; The first woman (the good man's wife) is not really satisfied with the marriage for the last decades even though her husband is loyal. The second woman has always enjoys the relationship with that cheating man, and would never knows of the dark side. The third woman (the attractive OW) also enjoys her life right now as she has always wants it, is very satisfied, and never felt the agony you described. Let say you have to choose to be either one of them. Which one would you choose? 2
Scarlet2 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 The elderly man would be ideal but other factors come into play. Different upbringings for one. The elderly man probably came from a nuclear family where divorce was unheard of, or sometimes the father died early and the mother didn't remarry. He is humble but probably has regrets. Most elderly men I've come across seem beat down and unhappy that they have to be stuck married because it's the "right thing" to do. I think if he falls into that category, it isn't really fair to the wife because he's just going through the motions and she's getting cheated out of a real genuine I want to be with you marriage. The other man is indeed selfish that he gets both women but he lives with no regrets and the right thing to do would be to divorce his wife but he feels the right thing to do is stay in the marriage just like the elderly man. In a way, the OW is saving the W from receiving a divorce, but that isn't fair either. The whole triangle is being robbed. My point is both men are staying in the marriages because it's "the right thing to do". But the real right thing to do is be with the one who truly makes your life happiest, regardless of what anyone else thinks. No settling, no extreme self sacrificing. That's MHO.
KathyM Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 The elderly man would be ideal but other factors come into play. Different upbringings for one. The elderly man probably came from a nuclear family where divorce was unheard of, or sometimes the father died early and the mother didn't remarry. He is humble but probably has regrets. Most elderly men I've come across seem beat down and unhappy that they have to be stuck married because it's the "right thing" to do. I think if he falls into that category, it isn't really fair to the wife because he's just going through the motions and she's getting cheated out of a real genuine I want to be with you marriage. The other man is indeed selfish that he gets both women but he lives with no regrets and the right thing to do would be to divorce his wife but he feels the right thing to do is stay in the marriage just like the elderly man. In a way, the OW is saving the W from receiving a divorce, but that isn't fair either. The whole triangle is being robbed. My point is both men are staying in the marriages because it's "the right thing to do". But the real right thing to do is be with the one who truly makes your life happiest, regardless of what anyone else thinks. No settling, no extreme self sacrificing. That's MHO. Most people regret having an affair. They don't regret not having an affair. Affairs are very damaging to a marriage, whether they are discovered or unknown by the BS. Most men, especially elderly men, want to be married and want a wife who loves and cares about him. If they find themselves single again due to death or divorce, men usually remarry in a short amount of time. Married men actually live longer and have happier lives than men who are single. And the OW is certainly not doing the BS any favors by cheating with her husband. You must be trolling. 7
purplesorrow Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 The elderly man would be ideal but other factors come into play. Different upbringings for one. The elderly man probably came from a nuclear family where divorce was unheard of, or sometimes the father died early and the mother didn't remarry. He is humble but probably has regrets. Most elderly men I've come across seem beat down and unhappy that they have to be stuck married because it's the "right thing" to do. I think if he falls into that category, it isn't really fair to the wife because he's just going through the motions and she's getting cheated out of a real genuine I want to be with you marriage. The other man is indeed selfish that he gets both women but he lives with no regrets and the right thing to do would be to divorce his wife but he feels the right thing to do is stay in the marriage just like the elderly man. In a way, the OW is saving the W from receiving a divorce, but that isn't fair either. The whole triangle is being robbed. My point is both men are staying in the marriages because it's "the right thing to do". But the real right thing to do is be with the one who truly makes your life happiest, regardless of what anyone else thinks. No settling, no extreme self sacrificing. That's MHO. My wh's ow helped him get a divorce that he is desperately trying to fight. She didn't save me from anything, he never wanted to leave and she knew that from day one. I really don't get the ow savior logic when so many mm try to stay with their wives. He was free to go to her on dday but chose to act as though she didn't exist. 2
Furious Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Imagine an elderly couple, late 70's. Let's say they had three children, all grown with families of their own. Let's say we KNOW, we've been given the benefit of KNOWING, FOR A FACT, that the man stayed completely faithful to his wife. On their wedding day he said in front of both of their families and friends, and God, that he would stay faithful to her. Throughout the years he came in contact with beautiful women. He had a gorgeous secretary that worked for him for years. But though he had eyes, he didn't ogle for too long at any woman. He never started being too friendly to any woman that he found physically attractive. There were minor temptations, but he told himself he had made a VOW, that he made a promise and he wasn't going to go back on his own promise for a feeling a pretty woman gave him. So, he actually does stay faithful, not just to his wife, BUT TO HIMSELF, MEANING, HIS OWN WORD. He's got integrity. Was he any less tempted by women he saw than other men? No. We're all created equal, so that cannot be the case. HE, unlike men that CHOOSE to be unfaithful, simply decides to do what is truly right. Then there's a 53 year old man. Right now, as his wife is at work, doing nothing out of the ordinary, but just working. When she gets paid, a certain percentage will come out of her paycheck to be put in an account that she and her husband have. They've built up quite a bit for when they both can stop working and just.enjoy.life. She thinks on and off throughout the day of different things she could make for dinner. The same old same old thoughts. Meanwhile, her husband is at his job, and he gets up from his desk, he's bored and soooooooo sick of the mundaneness of EVERYTHING. He walks over to a young 30 something woman that he has mentioned to a few buddies of his, is smokin' hot. What he didn't share with his buddies is that he and this co-worker screw each other at least once a week. The sex is off the charts. Therefore, in his mind, sex with his wife, is boring. He and his wife took the same exact vows the elderly couple did. But, come on. This 53 year old, <cough> man, should not be expected to resist the temptation that presented itself in the form of this smokin' hot co-worker. And after all, he has been tempted soooo many times and resisted. He's even proud of himself for resisting when all he wanted to do was just f--k the hot women he has come in contact with. But with this hot co-worker, well, they actually see each other, and what the hell, they get along. His eyes are more affected by beauty what might suppose, than the faithful elderly man. The elderly man resisted, but why should the 53 year old resist? Laying in bed one night, after a particularly excellent sex session with his mistress, one where they felt such warmth in each other's arms afterwards, there was laughing, playfulness, it was incredible, he thinks. Then later that night, so as to keep up 'appearances' so to speak, he and his wife 'make love' when she makes a little move on him. Afterwards, this 53 year old man can't help but feel a little smug. He's got TWO women. One who he has moral and legal obligations to, and the other one? He has no obligation to. But they both have sex with him. What a beautiful setup - FOR HIM. Ten miles away in her bed, the mistress is in her bed, alone, falling asleep and wishing with an agony and aching and longing that she could spend the night with her 'affair partner'. The wife falls asleep, fairly contented and none the wiser for what is really going on. I would take the elderly man in a heartbeat if I had to choose between these two males. The first is fairly selfless and fair, and a man with integrity. The second is a selfish, self absorbed greedy gut, with a 'gimme' attitude about everything. I'm confused. Why would a young smoking hot woman want a 53 year old married guy? A smoking hot woman has her choice of available single men. 4
joystickd Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I'm going to jump up and down because I see another cheating man thread. OMG! I have been waiting all day to see one!!!!! People do what they want to do. Men stay faithful to women that they want to be faithful. You never know about people. Beliefs change and the way you look at someone changes sometimes. We cannot do anything to prevent someone from cheating. It happens. We just have to bring 100% to a relationship and if they don't then it's their loss. 4
Scarlet2 Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 Most people regret having an affair. They don't regret not having an affair. Affairs are very damaging to a marriage, whether they are discovered or unknown by the BS. Most men, especially elderly men, want to be married and want a wife who loves and cares about him. If they find themselves single again due to death or divorce, men usually remarry in a short amount of time. Married men actually live longer and have happier lives than men who are single. And the OW is certainly not doing the BS any favors by cheating with her husband. You must be trolling. No, I am not trolling, this thread was in another forum before it was moved. My reply was referring to the scenario of the 53 year old man which you agreed he must not have compassion/empathy/love therefore in my opinion he would not regret the affair. And because he is selfish, if there wasn't an affair, he more than likely would have left his marriage because of the aforementioned lack of compassion/empathy/love and the give me what I want attitude.
Author Scorpio Chick Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 Hopefully you will always have that conviction and value Scorpio. Now how about you twist the scenario a bit. Let's say; The first woman (the good man's wife) is not really satisfied with the marriage for the last decades even though her husband is loyal. The second woman has always enjoys the relationship with that cheating man, and would never knows of the dark side. The third woman (the attractive OW) also enjoys her life right now as she has always wants it, is very satisfied, and never felt the agony you described. Let say you have to choose to be either one of them. Which one would you choose? Well, I guess the second woman, the wife. Ignorance is bliss. As long as she really never knows, but she is being deceived nonetheless.
Author Scorpio Chick Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 Why should the 53 year old man resist? Because hopefully he would value honesty and integrity, and his love and respect for his wife would prevent him from betraying her. Hopefully, he would value living an honest life and would want the love and respect of his wife and know that he deserves the love and respect of his wife. Most men can't live with the guilt of betraying their wife. Unless the man were devoid of empathy and love for his wife, he would be living with incredible guilt for his behavior. Most men don't want to live that way, and so they either refrain from cheating, or if they engage in it, their conscience and guilt eventually catches up with them and they stop. A person would have to be pretty devoid of compassion/empathy/love for their wife to not feel guilt about betraying her. Or some try to convince themselves that they deserve to cheat because their wife is somehow lacking, but that doesn't end up in the WS having a good relationship with his wife. The 53 year old man that you describe would fit the scenario of someone who is devoid of compassion/empathy/love for their wife if he can look his wife in the eye and present the image of a loving husband while feeling no guilt and leading a double life that betrays her. Yes, but isn't that precisely what ALL married man are doing that are carrying on an affair? Even in my own personal cheating situation, we never got together physically, but he was texting me nightly, and a few times at lunch. One time he texted me after he and his wife had driven back home from going out of state and he said the trip back was nice because he was thinking of he and I together (sexually). I mean, that's not nice at all to his wife! And after we would sext, what? He would go to bed with his wife? He was very easily doing it and it didn't take me long to wake up out of my intoxication towards him to realize, even though it wasn't physical with us, he was leading a double life. He had to have been unless he was showing her our text exchanges.
Author Scorpio Chick Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 I'm confused. Why would a young smoking hot woman want a 53 year old married guy? A smoking hot woman has her choice of available single men. I agree. The ages of the men in my scenario is not important. I never meant to suggest anything about the ages of the men, and how their generation affects their paradigm of thinking regarding marriage. It was purely just a number. Maybe I should have just stated 'men'. To answer your question, I agree with you. Especially nowadays when more men in their twenties and thirties are heavily into their health and physical fitness. But, you will find a lot younger women with those 50ish year old men for one reason only - money, and don't think they (the men) don't dangle that carrot to get that OW. It makes my skin crawl the depths some men will stoop to just to have a different warm place to put 'it'. 1
Glinda.Good Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 Who's gonna pick the cheater, anyway? What's the benefit? 1
Author Scorpio Chick Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 Yeah, I wouldn't pick the cheater. My original post was just a sort of allegory. Of course no one would pick the cheater, and that is my whole point. Yet, here we all are, or many of us, many reading my post, having picked a cheater, myself included. I'm glad I didn't pick him for long (almost 3 months) before I woke up, wised up, and cut all ties.
snappytomcat Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 The elderly man would be ideal but other factors come into play. Different upbringings for one. The elderly man probably came from a nuclear family where divorce was unheard of, or sometimes the father died early and the mother didn't remarry. He is humble but probably has regrets. Most elderly men I've come across seem beat down and unhappy that they have to be stuck married because it's the "right thing" to do. I think if he falls into that category, it isn't really fair to the wife because he's just going through the motions and she's getting cheated out of a real genuine I want to be with you marriage. The other man is indeed selfish that he gets both women but he lives with no regrets and the right thing to do would be to divorce his wife but he feels the right thing to do is stay in the marriage just like the elderly man. In a way, the OW is saving the W from receiving a divorce, but that isn't fair either. The whole triangle is being robbed. My point is both men are staying in the marriages because it's "the right thing to do". But the real right thing to do is be with the one who truly makes your life happiest, regardless of what anyone else thinks. No settling, no extreme self sacrificing. That's MHO. is this for real,another ow thinking she saved a mm marriage,i can tell you without question,the xow had nothing to do with saving my marriage,that was all on me,and my husband cause we wanted to,nothing to do with xow,actually I wasn't even planning on saving this marriage at first,but he begged,and begged 1
hestheone66 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 is this for real,another ow thinking she saved a mm marriage,i can tell you without question,the xow had nothing to do with saving my marriage,that was all on me,and my husband cause we wanted to,nothing to do with xow,actually I wasn't even planning on saving this marriage at first,but he begged,and begged Why did you agree to salvage? Is he really that good? Or did you feel you would have power over him and that felt good? 1
snappytomcat Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Why did you agree to salvage? Is he really that good? Or did you feel you would have power over him and that felt good? because we love each other,have 23 years years to gether,nd if you take out that small period of him cheating,its been good,we are best friends,and have gone through a lot together,and he stood by me when I did some f*cked up things(I didn't cheat though) I was a single mom when we met,and had left a verya busive relationship,and my husband adopted my daughter when she was 2,and put up with a lot from the biological father,and not to many men would have put up with,i could go and on,but these are just a couple of reasons why I stayed. and no I didn't feel like I had power over him
No Limit Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Every time when I read how people go back to their cheating exes I feel somewhat relieved that there's one more faithful guy available out there. 1
KathyM Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Every time when I read how people go back to their cheating exes I feel somewhat relieved that there's one more faithful guy available out there. Or one less cheater in the dating pool that you end up unknowingly getting involved with. 1
snappytomcat Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Every time when I read how people go back to their cheating exes I feel somewhat relieved that there's one more faithful guy available out there. yep that's only for the bs to decide if fws is worthy of a second chance,i said I would never forgive a cheater,but he has been truly remorseful,and im at peace with my decision,and I don't give a f*ck what anyone thinks,my family,and friends are supportive cause they know us,and that's all that matters anyways
salparadise Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 I'm going to jump up and down because I see another cheating man thread. And a hypothetical story at that... somebody has too much time on their hands. 1
iiiii Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 I would take the elderly man in a heartbeat if I had to choose between these two males. The first is fairly selfless and fair, and a man with integrity. The second is a selfish, self absorbed greedy gut, with a 'gimme' attitude about everything. Well, obviously. I think we all would, wouldn't we, at least so long as we were thinking clearly. But luckily we are rarely in a position where we have to choose between two men. Plenty of fish in the sea - or there's the option to remain gloriously single. 1
firmness Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 A few thoughts: 1. Not all people are the same - So we cannot compare the 50-something guy to the 70-something guy for 20 reasons. 2. Some people are more predisposed to cheat for a whole host of reasons - and perhaps a different set of reasons from one cheater to the next. 3. Some people are going to find it harder to be faithful. Their real crime is in promising fidelity to begin with. Shame on them and anyone who pressures these people into getting married. 4. Certain circumstances make someone more or less likely to cheat. Happy, stable, trusting, intimate relationships tend to see less cheating. Relationships where one partner is always wrong, or is unable to speak honestly is more vulnerable - to name a few factors. I know Americans like to paint each other in broad brushes, and we love being judgey. But it does not help us actually solve anything and we do not learn from being judgmental and b&w about these issues. 2
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