New girlfriend not making any efforts to loose weight or eat healthy

[soccerrprp]

OP, you chose to date a woman who is close to 200-lbs over-weight, right? I mean, you say that she's 14 stones over weight and that's 14 st x 14lbs= 196 lbs or is she at 14 stones, so her weight is 200 lbs? Anyway, depending on height, she is certainly over-weight.

 

I am very active and fit. I wouldn't date someone who clearly does not appear to have a similar lifestyle. So, for me, no way would I date an over-weight woman. I say this b/c I would never put my self in the position of dating someone that does not fit my perception of health nor conform to my life style, but since you say that it's not her weight that bothers you, then let me share these thoughts...

 

Someone suggested dance classes, well, if she's self-conscious of how she looks, she won't go for it. If you've informed her or she is aware of the exercise options that are private and she refuses, then it's out of your hands and up to her. She will give any reasons NOT to deal with her problem. There's some good advice here, but there's one that I often struggle with and can be counter-productive, ironically enough. You are tired of her complaining about her weight and seeing her make no effort to change. Your frustration will only increase and, imho, if you continue to be TOO understanding of her weight, I believe that she may see this as an approval of her unhealthy state.

 

As active as you are I wonder why you were attracted to her. You say that you were taught to take people as they are, but does include in ways that are contrary to your own values? It is honorable to love people for who they are provided that those reasons are healthy, but loving and taking people for their unhealthy behaviors, etc. is in the long term destructive for both parties.

 

She is unhappy with her weight. Her excess weight is unhealthy and for this reason alone, you should not minimize your dissatisfaction with this issue. She should want to change this. Encourage her to the best ability you are able, but do not give blanket approval by not being honest. Don't tell her that you'll love her no matter how large she is or will be if you don't really mean it. Think about it, your views on health and the actions involve do not sync. I am certain that you were not raised to accept people for everything they represent, right? Again, there are human qualities that we should never tolerate and especially if they make us miserable. I'm not saying you're to that point, but as sensitive as you must be, you MUST BE HONEST, CONSTRUCTIVE and CLEAR about how you feel.

 

Tell her that you care about how she feels and how she sees herself. Tell her how you are concerned about her health and you want her to join you and your fitter friend, but stop telling her that you are okay with her weight. B/c her weight, as it is, is not okay.

Edited May 31, 2014 by soccerrprp

[somedude81]

Yea cause there all exactly the same *rolls eyes*

Surely you understand the difference between venting on a forum and complaining to somebody you love?

I don't think he said she's obese just a bit overweight.

 

 

I have gained about 20 pounds & gone up 2 sizes since I got married. I whine about my weight all the time. Two years ago I really threw myself into an exercise program. It did nothing to shrink my stomach but it did give me great arm & leg definition. Still I hate my middle aged body.

 

 

At this weight I am at the top of the "ideal weight" / BMI for my height. Before I was underweight. Still I hate my body & the way I look.

14 stone is 196 lbs.

 

There is no way she is not obese at that weight, unless she is at least six feet tall.

 

It's great that you put in the effort to get in better shape. But this woman isn't doing anything at all.

[Gaeta]

OP, you chose to date a woman who is close to 200-lbs over-weight, right? I mean, you say that she's 14 stones over weight and that's 14 st x 14lbs= 196 lbs or is she at 14 stones, so her weight is 200 lbs? Anyway, depending on height, she is certainly over-weight.

 

Woah! I thought he meant she was a size 14.

 

OP: If indeed she is above 200-lbs then she has to realize she needs professional help to lose the weight, this is not something you can tackle on your own. She needs to get registered in a weight-loss clinic or see a nutritionist. The chances of her success will depend on her motivation and her history like is she a life long overweight person or this is extra-weight put on quickly in the past couple of years.

 

My last advice still stand though, she does something about it or she shuts up.

 

As someone who's lost a lot of weight I can tell you she won't succeed unless she is highly motivated and wants to lose the weight deep in her gut. Then it's a life long commitment to keep the weight down.

[TigerLilly78]

some fat people play a lil game of diet and excersize fail - but they have an agenda deep down of head games....

 

1/ if he loves me looking awful he must really love me

3/ my tits look great when i am fat

2/ i diet all the time, fatties say, but deep down they know that to be slim is a lifestyle choice, not some half-hearted cutting down of crisps and all that, they can eat quite a bit, fact, i say can as some fatties are sincere dieters

4/ some men like a bouncy, er, mattress, fatties secretly know they offer a good ride

 

 

Yeah cause "fatties" just aren't human ha? I hate rude ignorant labels sorry..

 

Surely you understand the difference between venting on a forum and complaining to somebody you love?

 

14 stone is 196 lbs.

 

There is no way she is not obese at that weight, unless she is at least six feet tall.

 

It's great that you put in the effort to get in better shape. But this woman isn't doing anything at all.

 

 

Nope sorry I tell things as I see them what I say on here is no different to what ide say in rl..

[jbelle6]

I am so not into all this touchy feely crap.

She needs to lose weight, doesn't mean she's depressed, it means she's lazy.

 

And yes, as a female I do find it a female thing to bitch and moan and do nothing about it. I find when men decide they are going to trim up they make a plan and stick to it.

 

I'm not being harsh because I can't empathize, it's just that I was a chunky monkey after high school, looked in the mirror and saw I was fat, stopped stuffing my face and got active, and I never ever gained it back, even after having a baby I am fitter than before. It's not genetics because my body wants to hold weight but I don't let it, and it's not depression, I have depression and it's worse if I don't get exercise.

 

Point is, there are no excuses and I hate when people whine about it to me while eating a cupcake.

[Youngblood11]

I am so not into all this touchy feely crap.

She needs to lose weight, doesn't mean she's depressed, it means she's lazy.

 

And yes, as a female I do find it a female thing to bitch and moan and do nothing about it. I find when men decide they are going to trim up they make a plan and stick to it.

 

I'm not being harsh because I can't empathize, it's just that I was a chunky monkey after high school, looked in the mirror and saw I was fat, stopped stuffing my face and got active, and I never ever gained it back, even after having a baby I am fitter than before. It's not genetics because my body wants to hold weight but I don't let it, and it's not depression, I have depression and it's worse if I don't get exercise.

 

Point is, there are no excuses and I hate when people whine about it to me while eating a cupcake.

 

Thank you!!

You do get my point..once again I want to say thank you to all of you! This why I love coming on here! A lot of great advice!

 

I've taken everything on board and am going to have a heart to heart convo with her later tonight! I'll let her know that I do care about her and Am all ears if she needs me to help her lose the weight that's bringing her down..I'll keep you updated..

 

I know how's it's like to be overweight and feeling isolated coz one of my brothers was heading to that path and all he did was stuff himself and play video games but he never moaned about it and we as a family never brought up this weight issue until one day he approached me and wanted some help and now he's so chiseled terry crews ain't got nothing on him plus he now plays rugby professionally... My point is, if you're overweight, only you can decide when you're ready to get a bit more active therefore no matter what suggestions I come up with it'll be useless until she's ready to change

[ASG]

So sad.

 

This thread is an example of a major reason why I could never date an obese woman.

 

There is just no way I can be supportive about a woman who's obese and complains about her weight and doesn't do anything about it. That would just drive me insane.

 

I agree. It was one of the issues I had with my ex. He would complain about being tired and in pain (due to his weight), but do nothing to change it (and it was a taboo subject as well, meaning I could not EVER bring it up, as it would cause a MASSIVE argument).

 

Unfortunately, I don't know how to help you, OP. I have friends who are exactly the same. Keep complaining about their weight and how horrible they feel, but do nothing to change it...

I try to encourage them, but honestly, deep down, I'm rolling my eyes...

 

I wish you the best of luck with your GF

[somedude81]

I agree. It was one of the issues I had with my ex. He would complain about being tired and in pain (due to his weight), but do nothing to change it (and it was a taboo subject as well, meaning I could not EVER bring it up, as it would cause a MASSIVE argument).

 

Unfortunately, I don't know how to help you, OP. I have friends who are exactly the same. Keep complaining about their weight and how horrible they feel, but do nothing to change it...

I try to encourage them, but honestly, deep down, I'm rolling my eyes...

 

I wish you the best of luck with your GF

 

Ugh, I can just imagine the arguments I'd have with her.

 

Never mind the fact that I hate to lie.

 

"Somedude, do you think I'm fat?"

 

"Yes."

 

*Screaming* "How can you say that, you're my boyfriend and supposed to support me! Can't you see that I'm trying to lose weight and take care of myself."

 

"No you're not. You're eating a cake right now."

 

 

 

 

-----------

Yumm, cake, I hope it was dutch chocolate.

[stillafool]

OP if you are okay with her weight and it doesn't bother you then fine. Tell her once more you are okay with her being overweight and still find her sexy and you are there to help her if she wants to get serious and lose weight. Otherwise tell her to stop talking to you about it if she doesn't plan to do anything to lose it. Honestly her whining about her weight all the while eating chocolates would drive me completely crazy.

[veggirl]

IF you are attracted to her as is then tell her that. But tell her that her constant complaining is VERY UNattractive and it WILL start making her unattractive in general to you. Be honest.

 

If you AREN'T attracted to her as is then just move on.

[Youngblood11]

I just wanna say thanks to everybody who took their time to read this thread and thanks to ya'll for your amazing responses...

 

We had a chat about it and she said she understands where I was coming from and admitted to being insecure and how am so good to her and she doesn't want to lose me! She's gone to the gym on her own for the first on Sunday but hasn't been back there yet, fingers crossed she'll stick to it and I am ready to support her when she needs me

[MalachiX]

This isn't just a female thing, I know men who do the same thing. A lot of people are unhappy with themselves, but don't have the mental toughness to actually do anything about it. That is one of my biggest problems with overweight people. Most of the big girls these days just try to convince men we should find them attractive instead of working on their weight problem.

 

Ok, I don't want to get into another one of these, "your gender has it easier" things. As much as I we all work to promote equality, I'm still aware that, as a man, I'm pretty sure that society is rigged in my favor.

 

Weight, for whatever reason, is a situation in which our society seems to have gone to the extreme in the other direction. I know so many progressive people who believe that it's 100% appropriate for a woman to want her man to "keep the romance alive" by acting loving towards her, dressing nicely for her, and (yes) staying fit an attractive.

 

Despite this, many of these people have a view that a man is in no way allowed to ever be concerned about his significant other's weight. Both sides are allowed to talk about sexual performance issues, emotional issues, and even some general appearance issues. But, for whatever reason, weight strictly isn't allowed as far as a good chunk of our culture is concerned.

 

Honestly, I don't buy it. I don't think that women are irrational creatures who are going to fall to pieces because someone makes reference to a few extra pounds. I think that, as a good partner, I should put some effort into keeping myself fit for my GF (as well as trying to dress nice for her and make her feel special) and I don't think there's anything wrong with the converse.

 

Now, I know a counter argument to this may be the following: But our society constantly promotes flabby men getting with way more fit/attractive women! Just look at any Seth Rogen movie!!!

 

Such a comment is 100% true and another issue with our society. So many men want this attractivness double standard and it seems as a result that we've now developed a second double standard (i.e. it's never acceptable to talk to a woman about weight) as a band-aid. I honestly don't think this helps. I think we should be trying on both sides to eliminate double standards and treat each other equally

 

And I certainly don't think a few pounds are the end of the world. My most serious relationships have been with people women who were a bit heavier than I was because I found a real connection with them and we clicked. The thing which is aggrivating is not so much the weight but the idea that it's not allowed to feel frustration when someone lets themselves go and has no desire to change that.

 

I actually think that the idea of "you can't ever mention weight!" is something that leads many men to be even more inflexible in who they date. I've heard guys who won't ask out a girl or commit to a girl who has a few extra pounds because they say, "well, most women let themselves go once they get into a relationship. You need to shoot for someone who's even hotter than you'd normally like to account for that because you can't complain if they gain weight." Plenty of guys end up never giving promising relationships a chance because this is such a taboo issue.

 

I'm surprised how much I've written and I hope my comments didn't come across as anti-women (since, once again, I know that the deck tends to be stacked in guy's favor). I just don't think the "never talk about weight" mindset helps the problem in any way. I also think it's a bit condescending to women to assume that they are such fragile creatures as to be unable to take their weight into account.

[Keenly]

Ok, I don't want to get into another one of these, "your gender has it easier" things. As much as I we all work to promote equality, I'm still aware that, as a man, I'm pretty sure that society is rigged in my favor.

 

Weight, for whatever reason, is a situation in which our society seems to have gone to the extreme in the other direction. I know so many progressive people who believe that it's 100% appropriate for a woman to want her man to "keep the romance alive" by acting loving towards her, dressing nicely for her, and (yes) staying fit an attractive.

 

Despite this, many of these people have a view that a man is in no way allowed to ever be concerned about his significant other's weight. Both sides are allowed to talk about sexual performance issues, emotional issues, and even some general appearance issues. But, for whatever reason, weight strictly isn't allowed as far as a good chunk of our culture is concerned.

 

Honestly, I don't buy it. I don't think that women are irrational creatures who are going to fall to pieces because someone makes reference to a few extra pounds. I think that, as a good partner, I should put some effort into keeping myself fit for my GF (as well as trying to dress nice for her and make her feel special) and I don't think there's anything wrong with the converse.

 

Now, I know a counter argument to this may be the following: But our society constantly promotes flabby men getting with way more fit/attractive women! Just look at any Seth Rogen movie!!!

 

Such a comment is 100% true and another issue with our society. So many men want this attractivness double standard and it seems as a result that we've now developed a second double standard (i.e. it's never acceptable to talk to a woman about weight) as a band-aid. I honestly don't think this helps. I think we should be trying on both sides to eliminate double standards and treat each other equally

 

And I certainly don't think a few pounds are the end of the world. My most serious relationships have been with people women who were a bit heavier than I was because I found a real connection with them and we clicked. The thing which is aggrivating is not so much the weight but the idea that it's not allowed to feel frustration when someone lets themselves go and has no desire to change that.

 

I actually think that the idea of "you can't ever mention weight!" is something that leads many men to be even more inflexible in who they date. I've heard guys who won't ask out a girl or commit to a girl who has a few extra pounds because they say, "well, most women let themselves go once they get into a relationship. You need to shoot for someone who's even hotter than you'd normally like to account for that because you can't complain if they gain weight." Plenty of guys end up never giving promising relationships a chance because this is such a taboo issue.

 

I'm surprised how much I've written and I hope my comments didn't come across as anti-women (since, once again, I know that the deck tends to be stacked in guy's favor). I just don't think the "never talk about weight" mindset helps the problem in any way. I also think it's a bit condescending to women to assume that they are such fragile creatures as to be unable to take their weight into account.

 

Just yesterday I saw a comic illustrating how its socially acceptable for a woman to reject a man for being too short, which cannot be changed, but its not socially acceptable for a man to reject a woman because she's overweight, which can be changed.

 

 

Then I scrolled down because I want the funny stuff, damnit.

[rosedl]

All you can do is be supportive.

 

Tell her, you understand that she is unhappy about her figure but it gets you down to hear her berate herself and you understand that there is nothing that you can do to help, if she isn't interested in lifestyle change. If it it truly fine with you, the boundary should be about not engaging in futile dialogue around a issue she has that she won't address. She may complain to hear reassurance that it really doesn't matter to you, not because she is looking for suggestions to lose weight or eat healthier.

 

You also need to be honest with yourself. I started dating a guy for a couple months, but he smoked unfiltered Camels and he had no interest in quitting. He switched to electronic cigarettes when we first got together because I couldn't stand the smoke, but after a couple dates, he was out puffing on cigarettes outside after dinner and sex. All I could picture was my grandmother taking care of my grandfather with emphysema. He was also a little overweight and didn't exercise. I didn't care that he wasn't buff, but I did care about getting serious with someone who took such poor care of himself. Especially since we are older, he in his 50s and me in my 40s. He always had a glass of wine or beer in his hand at the end of the day as well. It really was a deal breaker, he was a good guy so I tried to overlook the fact and fool myself that he would really quit smoking. Not my place to push, I told him how much I hated it once and he just dug in around it. So long!