Youngblood11 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Hello guys, I am a new member here First of all I would like to say you guys are amazing and have helped a lot in the last 12 months after my ex girlfriend cheated on me and dumped my a** Anyway I have moved on, went on a lot of dates and finally met this amazing girl! We clicked and everything feels great, and the sex is one of the best I ever had. So the problem is, she's a bit overweight (14 st to be precise) she knows she's overweight and it didn't and doesn't bother me at all...The only thing that bothers me is the fact that she just talks about loosing weight and literally does nothing about it. She spends whole day talking about how she hates how massive her stomach is or how unhappy she gets when she looks in the mirror. I have suggested a few sports, she hates them all, I came up with a workout routine but she feels she's being watched by people. And when I end up working out my female best friend, she gets overly jealous and says all type of mean words. . I am a very active person,I work out 4 times a week and play all types of sport, I have a descent 6 pack and I am always trying my best to look good for her. Is this a female thing? Or am I just not getting it.. If someone wants to loose weight I don't think no one can motivate them. I am starting to get a bit annoyed and u feel like it's way too early to start arguing! Any advice on how I can motivate her to change a few bad habits and be a bit more active.. Cheers guys
pteromom Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 It's a cycle. Being overweight makes you sad. Being sad makes you want to eat and hide in a corner. Eating and hiding makes you more overweight. She is the only one who can choose to break the cycle. Rather than trying to solve her problem for her, just listen. When she says she is ugly, tell her you think she is beautiful. When you work out or play a sport, keep inviting her, even if she keeps saying no. Keep suggesting active things to do, and maybe she'll end up enjoying one of them. But don't take her rejection personally... it isn't about you. But she has no right to say mean things to you. You can tell her that her saying those things is not acceptable to you, and that you will walk away if she starts being mean. Then DO IT. And if she gives you grief about working out your female friend, tell her she is welcome to join you any time, and keep saying that. 4
SensitiveTJ Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Some people use their personal ailments as a means to gain attention from others. I think that's what your gf is doing. And it's working, as it's disrupting your relationship enough to make a post about it here. She doesn't try to lose weight because she is not interested in losing weight-she is interested in our attention and your forced concern over her problems. 2
passion_flower Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Would you be prepared to stay with her if she was to stay at that weight? I'm around the same weight as your gf and have just started cycling and cutting down even more as the cutting down I was doing before wasn't helping. 2
stillafool Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I have to agree. You cannot solve her problem she has to want to do it. I really wouldn't say anything about it anymore. I agree that you should invite her every time you work out with your friend. If she doesn't want to go don't look displeased in any way. If she were serious about losing weight she would get started because Summer is here. Do not let her talk mean to you because if you don't stand up for yourself now there will be more of it later. 1
Zahara Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 There's so many workout programs on DVD that she can use in the comfort of her own home if she wants to make that change. No one's watching! She can find something that is fun to do and she can even choose different types to give her some variety. I had the same issues when I was overweight. I was always flip flopping. Making excuses. Much insecurities especially working out at a gym or in the midst of others. I finally got myself a treadmill and some VHS tapes (yes, it was long ago!) and I dilligently did my workouts at home and it paid off. If she wants to do it, she will find a way. The excuses are an indication she's not ready to really put it into action. Tell her that it isn't fair to take out her insecurities on you and that you will not tolerate it. If she's jealous about your female friend, tell her to come join you then in your workouts. 2
Author Youngblood11 Posted May 30, 2014 Author Posted May 30, 2014 Thanks a lot everyone.. You've all so far given me some amazing responses!! It is definitely true, the change has to come from within and I honestly was never bothered by her weight and I would stay with her regardless of her size! I am not shallow and I was raised to like people the way they are... What bothers me the most I have to say is the fact that she continuously brings the weight issue in every single conversation! When she does, I politely suggest returning back to her gym and bin those stash of chocolates she carries in her bag! But a day or 2 later she's back it all over again! And that confused me like hell She's very insecure, mildly depressed and blames it all on her weight gain...
d0nnivain Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 You can't really talk to her about it without causing a fight or coming across as a jerk. Even if you are kind about it, she'll take it the wrong way. I complain about my weight to my husband all the time but don't really take action to change. If offers even a constructive suggestion, I sometimes bite his head off. It's not logical or fair. You can invite her to do things with you -- plan active dates. You can also cook for her. If you make healthy meals, maybe it will inspire her. There are other ways to communicate besides words. Just make sure she knows you care about her no matter what the scale says. 1
ThatMan Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Being sad makes you want to eat and hide in a corner. Read this sentence. Now stop and read it a second time. It is never the role of a spouse to become caretaker or healer. She needs professional help to address her depression. She also needs to address that sort of emotional attachment to food if she feels that way. Food is awesome but it isn't intended to fulfill an emotional need. Thinking this sort of way and being an emotional eater/depressed is the real problem, at least for the moment, rather than her weight. Strongly encourage her to seek out aid. Have you ever worked in sales before? Don't offer people suggestions. Tell them what to do. How do you think your girlfriend will react to these two different sentences? "Can you bin your chocolate stash?" "Hey, we're going out of a walk." 2
pteromom Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 It is never the role of a spouse to become caretaker or healer. She needs professional help to address her depression. She also needs to address that sort of emotional attachment to food if she feels that way. Food is awesome but it isn't intended to fulfill an emotional need. Thinking this sort of way and being an emotional eater/depressed is the real problem, at least for the moment, rather than her weight. Strongly encourage her to seek out aid. I do agree that it isn't the OP's role to become her healer. He should keep his arms open for when she does want help or advice, but not take on any responsibility for her choices. Whether or not she seeks professional help is up to her. Don't offer people suggestions. Tell them what to do. How do you think your girlfriend will react to these two different sentences? "Can you bin your chocolate stash?" "Hey, we're going out of a walk." I don't agree with this part. I don't think either of the two sentences are good. The first question is setting yourself up for disappointment. Because if you ask her to bin her stash and she says "Sure" then goes and buys more, you are let down. If she says "no", she says it with resentment for you trying to control her. It's a no-win question. And "Hey we're going for a walk" is just bossy. Nobody likes bossy. I say again- he should be inclusive and inviting, and leave it up to her.
ThatMan Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 (edited) He really needs to think about what sort of person his girlfriend is. Sometimes women do appreciate leaving date ideas entirely up to their spouse on occasion. There's countless places to go sightseeing. Maybe she'll appreciate window shopping, going to a park now that it's finally spring, visit several museums, plenty of date ideas. If she's like you and absolutely against leaving these ideas entirely up to a boyfriend, then he has to go about it differently. There's a difference between date nights and being outrageously bossy. Telling somebody they're fat, they need to go to the gym today, and that's the end of it is plain mean. The crux of the problem is her state of mind anyways. Finding different ways to not be disappointed by asking her to throw away candy stashes won't solve anything. The bottom line is that she needs some help and there's nothing wrong with that. She has to be willing to help herself if she wishes to be capable of fostering a healthy relationship with anyone. And that's the sad reality of depression. Edited May 30, 2014 by ThatMan phone...
spiderowl Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 You say "It's up to you if you want to do some exercise. If so, what would you like to do and maybe I could join you?" Then leave it up to her. She's moaning about the state of affairs because she doubts your commitment and she knows it's going to be hard dealing with being overweight.
FitChick Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 Make subtle changes. When you go out to eat, pick a place that serves small portions of tasty but healthy food. If she eats a lot of chocolate, tell her that you heard bittersweet dark chocolate, plain with no nuts or filling, is supposed to be good for you, but the other kind not so much. Why don't the two of you take salsa dancing classes? She will be having fun while exercising and you can practice in clubs on date nights. Let's not forget that alcohol is just empty calories. In the UK she could join Slimming World and get support from others in her same condition.
somedude81 Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 So sad. This thread is an example of a major reason why I could never date an obese woman. There is just no way I can be supportive about a woman who's obese and complains about her weight and doesn't do anything about it. That would just drive me insane. 2
Eggplant Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 Usually it's women who pick a mate and then try to change him and get unhappy when he is what she found. This is what you're doing. She's a new girlfriend. You aren't even that invested yet. So while it's great to care about her health, you cannot count on her to change. Secondly, lose has one O.
TigerLilly78 Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 So sad. This thread is an example of a major reason why I could never date an obese woman. There is just no way I can be supportive about a woman who's obese and complains about her weight and doesn't do anything about it. That would just drive me insane. Yea cause there all exactly the same *rolls eyes* 1
TigerLilly78 Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 Usually it's women who pick a mate and then try to change him and get unhappy when he is what she found. This is what you're doing. She's a new girlfriend. You aren't even that invested yet. So while it's great to care about her health, you cannot count on her to change. Secondly, lose has one O. It doesn't sound like the op is trying to change the girl he's said mutable times he's fine with her as she is! Its her who is complaining and I think as others have said its a attention thing. Instead of being happy she found a guy who cares for her regardless she's using her weight as a pity party silly women. OP she has no right to be mean to you and if she's this insecure this early on as to be jealous to that degree maybe you want to rethink things? But please let me tell you not all overweight women are like this she just needs a reality check..
Mascara Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 She's not saying these things because she wants to lose weight. I know that's what her words are saying, but it's not what she means. She's looking at you, healthy and with a 6 pack and she wonders why you're with her. When she complains about wanting to lose weight, she's basically asking you to reassure her that you want her the way she is. And the more you try to be understanding and suggest healthy things to do as a couple, the more she just hears "yes you should lose weight". Are you fine with her weight? If so, drop all helpful suggestions and encouragement and just insist you don't want her to - that you fancy her just as she is. 9
crederer Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 "is this a female thing" Yeah more or less. Is this your first relationship?
darkmoon Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 (edited) some fat people play a lil game of diet and excersize fail - but they have an agenda deep down of head games.... 1/ if he loves me looking awful he must really love me 3/ my tits look great when i am fat 2/ i diet all the time, fatties say, but deep down they know that to be slim is a lifestyle choice, not some half-hearted cutting down of crisps and all that, they can eat quite a bit, fact, i say can as some fatties are sincere dieters 4/ some men like a bouncy, er, mattress, fatties secretly know they offer a good ride Edited May 31, 2014 by darkmoon
d0nnivain Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 This thread is an example of a major reason why I could never date an obese woman. I don't think he said she's obese just a bit overweight. I have gained about 20 pounds & gone up 2 sizes since I got married. I whine about my weight all the time. Two years ago I really threw myself into an exercise program. It did nothing to shrink my stomach but it did give me great arm & leg definition. Still I hate my middle aged body. At this weight I am at the top of the "ideal weight" / BMI for my height. Before I was underweight. Still I hate my body & the way I look. Like the OP's GF I complain but don't really change much. As I type I'm drinking a sugared soda. I could have a water but it wouldn't taste as good. DH tells me I'm beautiful & men I have known for years tell me I look better with "a little meat on my bones". Still what they say doesn't count. Part of me likes whining more than exercise. Don't be so hard on her. But if the OP wants to motivate her, he needs to cook healthy meals for her & plan active dates. Talking will make it worse. Anything he says will be perceived negatively.
guest572 Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 She's not saying these things because she wants to lose weight. I know that's what her words are saying, but it's not what she means. She's looking at you, healthy and with a 6 pack and she wonders why you're with her. When she complains about wanting to lose weight, she's basically asking you to reassure her that you want her the way she is. And the more you try to be understanding and suggest healthy things to do as a couple, the more she just hears "yes you should lose weight". Are you fine with her weight? If so, drop all helpful suggestions and encouragement and just insist you don't want her to - that you fancy her just as she is. I agree 100%. She isn't just being a lazy whiner she probably feeling insecure. I have done the same regarding my tummy flab and got "you should do some sit-ups" ok, ouch! Wasn't asking for advice. I know what sit-ups are. And it is a pretty personal and sensitive topic. As you had said, its early in the relationship. Its her problem not yours.
Author Youngblood11 Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 She's not saying these things because she wants to lose weight. I know that's what her words are saying, but it's not what she means. She's looking at you, healthy and with a 6 pack and she wonders why you're with her. When she complains about wanting to lose weight, she's basically asking you to reassure her that you want her the way she is. And the more you try to be understanding and suggest healthy things to do as a couple, the more she just hears "yes you should lose weight". Are you fine with her weight? If so, drop all helpful suggestions and encouragement and just insist you don't want her to - that you fancy her just as she is. This is exactly what one of my female friends told me the other day and I am starting to believe it.. I agree with everything you're all saying, and as dumb as it sounds I honestly didn't notice a lot of this weight problem until she started pin pointing at a few things she hates about herself. When I walk into my gym and see a few overweight men and women trying so hard, making an effort and not feeling sorry for themselves, it makes me happy because they know what they've got to do and they're doing it The problem for me is not her size and big stomach she's always talking about, the problem is the fact that she's not doing anything about it and it's starting to affect the relationship. I know unless she takes action, in a year or 2 it's gonna get out of control and all these diseases will start piling up.
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 She's not saying these things because she wants to lose weight. I know that's what her words are saying, but it's not what she means. She's looking at you, healthy and with a 6 pack and she wonders why you're with her. When she complains about wanting to lose weight, she's basically asking you to reassure her that you want her the way she is. And the more you try to be understanding and suggest healthy things to do as a couple, the more she just hears "yes you should lose weight". Are you fine with her weight? If so, drop all helpful suggestions and encouragement and just insist you don't want her to - that you fancy her just as she is. THANK YOU!!!!! I''m reading all the entries and was itching to get to the end because I felt like the most obvious point wasn't being made here!!!!!! You're very clear to physically describe your differences and how you love to work out and she doesn't and yet, after having your heart broken and dated quite a bit before meeting her, SHE is the one that has captured your attention. Even the sex is the best you've had for heaven's sake so obviously there must have been something bloody wonderful about her character as well as her physical beauty that you fell for. I am hard-pressed to say that most women are wired to be self-deprecating and self-defeating which is only exasperated by society's version of what makes for an attractive and love-worthy female specimen. The damage these outside forces wreak on women's self esteem is very unfortunate. If she's constantly belly-aching (no bun intended) about her weight to you then perhaps, as her boyfriend and partner, you're not doing a good enough job letting her know you love her just the way she is. YES, yes, yes, we shouldn't look to our partners to complete us and make us happy and inject us with self-worth but in reality, that takes YEARS of hard work and practice to achieve this level of consciousness. Secretly if her weight does indeed bother you, then you will have to do some serious soul searching about that and get super straight about what it is you want and what is important to you. From my vantage point, I see a woman crying out for some reassurance from you for whatever reason. As good as some aspects of your relationship seem to be, perhaps there are other areas that are lacking and causing some of this discomfort. If you care about her and want to continue with this relationship, I think you need to sit down and have a good heart-to-heart talk about this with her. Find out why she feels the need to lose weight, is it for her or for you? Ask her if YOU in any way make her feel like she's needs to lose weight? Good luck.
Gaeta Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 That attitude annoys me to no end. I would tell her listen: I adore you just the way you are and each time you negatively criticize yourself you are criticizing someone that is dear and important to me, I want you to stop hating the person I love. If you want to lose the weight then take action and do something it otherwise accept yourself the way you are and start enjoying life! Yes it's tough love, that's the tough love my ex-husband gave me years ago and shocked me into losing 85lbs.
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