How do I shake it?

[longjourney]

I want to be clear. I am not on here whining, with low self esteem. I am FULLY aware that my WH had a LTA for our ENTIRE M. His feelings where there for the OW even BEFORE we got M'd and yes, before we even dated. I have NEVER had my WH's heart completely. I still don't.

 

 

So, now that I got that out of the way. I want to say I am R'ing. I am R'ing with MYSELF. I have to work through the fact that my WH loves the OW. Not the infatuation thing most A's are about, but the real deal. He stayed with me after DDay because the OW sent him a NC letter. My WH does have feelings for me, we created a family together, but his feelings for me are not "it". He has "it" with the OW. So I have to R with myself how I face this fact. At the moment I believe he is getting everything he ever wanted. My M will dissolve and he will not have to live with the guilt any more of wanting to be with the OW. I have spoken to my WH honestly. During their time apart during our R, he truly "wanted" to make our M work, but he wanted to be with OW more. He missed her EVERY day, but never spoke those words to me. He missed her touch, he loved and missed their sex life. He wanted her SO badly, but he felt she did not want him any longer, so he was going to "make it" with me. He is not saying this in a way to hurt me. He is being honest, which is the main ingredient to R. So many here say that D is not the end, but can be the beginning for the BS. Well it can be a new beginning for the WS as well. They tell the BS to move on and that the WS will always be the kids father. THis is true. Now my WH can have the OW, (she has now told him she has missed him terribly as well and wanted to make her M work for her family/kids sake.) She felt "so bad and guilty" for hurting her BH, but that did not equate love. She loves my WH. She says she knows she ALWAYS will, as he does her.

 

 

So here I sit, giving myself the gift of R. At least I know I can honestly say I love me. I am just SO glad this is out now, not too much time has passed since DDay. I have read too many stories on here by the BW who finds her WH still in an underground A YEARS later. I refuse to be duped like that. I am not going to sit here and stay with him because I know I have limitations physically. I know my self esteem is shot. I know the OW is beautiful, sexy and compassionate, smart and caring. She is a good mother to her kids. She works, she cleans, she cooks. She has no limitations. She is flawed in the fact that she caused a betrayal, but to both her and my WH, it was because they loved each other. They will be fine, that is my true Reconciliation.

[Sub]

I know you're saying your self-esteem is shot, but I have to say: this post exhibits an amazing amount of strength. We'd all be lucky to have just a quarter of your resolve.

[Waverly]

I totally agree with sub. What an amazing amount of grace you are showing towards your WH and his OW. I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you continue to stay strong and true to yourself. You are clearly made of tough stuff, longjourney. Good for you for having the courage and sense of worth to R with yourself (love that phrase, by the way). Whatever limitations you feel you may have, I totally believe that you have a beautiful future ahead of you. Best of luck in everything.

[No Limit]

Something's not right about this. I don't think it is love they share.

Not saying that you should stay with your H, by all means it's about time you finally get going and divorce; but if they truly "loved" each other they would have been in a relationship with each other from the very start.

 

Especially if they've kept in touch after all this time. I doubt it's love, perhaps they're just "addicted" to each other.

[jnel921]

That's not reconciling. That is settling. It's a shame that your WH and his MOW have worn you down to this.

 

You have been to IC. I am sure your therapist would not agree with this mambo jumbo.

 

You married a man who never loved you, still doesn't and never will. But you will stay with him and watch him love someone else because you are medically limited?

 

What exactly are your limits? I know a lot of people with disabilities that still manage to get their groove on. Love and romance starts with communication it's not just the body

[ChooseTruth]

That's not reconciling. That is settling. It's a shame that your WH and his MOW have worn you down to this.

 

You have been to IC. I am sure your therapist would not agree with this mambo jumbo.

 

You married a man who never loved you, still doesn't and never will. But you will stay with him and watch him love someone else because you are medically limited?

 

What exactly are your limits? I know a lot of people with disabilities that still manage to get their groove on. Love and romance starts with communication it's not just the body

The message I got is that she is NOT staying with him. She is R'ing with herself, not him.

 

I just now reread the title of the the thread though, "How do I shake it?".

 

longjourney can you elaborate on your question? Your post seems like a statement of strength to me rather than a question. What is "it" that you are shaking? (hehe, a certain dance comes to mind)

[Scorpio Chick]

I know you're saying your self-esteem is shot, but I have to say: this post exhibits an amazing amount of strength. We'd all be lucky to have just a quarter of your resolve.

 

Man, exactly!!!! Longjourney, I don't think I've EVER read such a piece as yours! Please, give me a blood transfusion with your blood, I need to have some of that what sounds like peace of mind. I know you're extremely hurt and more, but it sounds like you've done the hardest thing we humans resist doing, and that is, acceptance.

 

May I ask, why didn't he marry her if he loved her so much, whatever, before y'all got married?

[A.Moscote]

LJ, you can give any label to the relationship between your WH and the OW in any terms you like, true love, soul mate, etc. It's your right to define it in any way. In the end however it's just a relationship between one person to another. It might satisfy themselves, but for me it certainly not worth deceiving others for years, you don't have to be jealous of it. (Anyway I always think love is not the most important value in our lives.)

 

And please, how come a compassionate person can choose a LTA a.k.a long term deception? Compassionate-when-self-serving perhaps.

You are much better, you tried to forgive, to reconcile, and to save your family.

 

Be patient and optimist on this new phase of your life LJ, the reconciliation with yourself. Hopefully you will heal and be wiser from this tough experience, and move ahead in full control of your own situation. Marriage is just one of the many joy you can find in this life, don't give up your hope on happiness just because you have to let go of this one (it's your WH that has failed it anyway). Keep on adding new purposes to your life and be the best person to those around you, I'm sure you'll find greater satisfaction in so many other roles. Who knows if someone worthy will find you and see your strengths.

 

Good luck and take care of yourself, both emotionally and physically.

[longjourney]

 

May I ask, why didn't he marry her if he loved her so much, whatever, before y'all got married?

 

 

He didn't marry her because she didn't give him the chance, she M'd her BH first. It was bad timing. She M'd her BH out of comfort. She was confused as to what she wanted. She wanted stability, she "thought" he provided that for her and that it would be enough. My WH had to get his act together, and she wasn't sure of where he was going in life, but through it all, they stayed "friends", which is true, it was not a PA for many years, not until a few months after we M'd.

 

 

What amazes me is that her BH is still willing to try and R with her. Most men can't get past an A, much less a LTA. Apparently she is AMAZING, she has captivated BOTH my WH and her BH.

 

 

As for my last title, I meant how can I shake this grip that this LTA has over me. I was looking for advice as to how to move forward more quickly, to put the A behind me. I think I am doing that by realizing that my WH NEVER loved me, and he would be settling if he stayed. Even if he wouldn't say the words verbally to me, he would be missing her, wondering about her, wanting to touch HER. That is what I have R'd with, within myself. It is a fact and I have to move away from it. I have stopped fooling myself. Seeing the BW's on here who get walloped in the face after years of this mess and find out they are in false R, NO THANK YOU!!!

 

 

I guess my title was a bit confusing, sorry about that. Trust me, I am not confused any longer. I am not telling him, "if he wants to leave, he can have her", that is a HUGE mistake, words that I have heard many BW's say to their WH. It is putting the choice in their WH's hands. He doesn't deserve to be able to "make the choice" between me and her. I CHOOSE!!! and I have chosen to have him leave. Yes I can not handle every day chores, I need his help for almost EVERYTHING. I am sure he finds that MAJORLY annoying as well. In fact he has said that to me during the LTA. But in all honesty, even before my issues, I was on the lazy side and a bit of a slob. But he KNEW that going in, that is on him, not me.

 

 

So yes after DDay, I too said those words to my WH. If you want to go, then go. I wish I hadn't. It just gives HIM the power.

 

 

So I will lean on my family. I will be there for my/his kids as best as I can. I know he will be there for them too. The hardest part for me is that the OW will be in my life, in their lives. How will I manage? Seeing him and her together, SO happy. That is another reason I was willing to stay with him, aside from the fact that I love him. Well, one bridge at a time.