hillybilly45 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I am not proud of this..infact so ashamed not shared with another soul...five years ago I started an affair with a co-worker, a divorcee, confessed his feelings he had for me...a married woman of ten years...to be fair to him he never expected reciprocity. We worked closely and had lot of regard and respect for each other humanly and professionally.we were drawn closely and I feel more deeply in love. My marriage had been dead pretty much before I'd even met him but being with him made me realize what companionship and the real thing meant. He too claimed he loved me and it was understood that we'd be together when the right moment came, causing as little lateral damage as possible. My husband lived in his own world, communication between us was almost nil and living in separate cities we met rarely. We'd stopped having sex too. I never had sex with my partner, went on dates or did anything lover-like. There was a lot of chatting, sharing through conversations at work and texts. The physical thing was not important and we thought it would happen when it did. I must also say that he brought out a lot of work pressure on me, sometimes causing me great grief and misusing his superior position. Six months ago he relocated and I was supposed to join him in his new work place. I too gave up my current post and was to join him there. I was to get a divorce which would not come as any surprise to my husband. We kept in touch by phone, I visited his new workplace and my job was almost fixed. My husband was quite keen that I should go as I was getting a better deal. Then one day out of the blue my affair partner broke all contact. No calls, texts mails and no response to those sent by me. That was four months ago. Now I know his game. Had no intention of realizing the future he claimed he wanted but I am humiliated, angry, jobless, living in limbo in a dead marriage. Don't tell me what I did was wrong. I know that... Not an hour passes without remorse and guilt. Going crazy with regret, he's moved on and flaunting his new connections...while I'm filled with self loathing and bitterness. Just sharing...can't do it with anyone in person. I feel desperately unhappy and suicidal often.
Clay Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 If you are feeling suicidal please seek help. That is really the most important part. Dealing with your issues and choices you made in your past is second. I am sorry you are not doing well but please get help before trying to take on these other problems. Clay 3
harrybrown Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Does your H know about your EA? Can you get your job back? Your wonderful OM is really a jerk, and you are better off without him in your life. Can you patch up things with hubby and use that energy you used with the OM to make a better marriage?
No Limit Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 This is the danger everyone who chooses an affair faces and it's also like that in 99% of the time - realizing you're the only one living in this "relationship". You've been played for 5 years, but that's no reason to go for suicide. Have you already started with the divorce? Your husband doesn't sound really that eager to stay in this relationship either; and no offense, but I'm very sure if you two live in different cities and have no sex at all he's most likely having his own 'side piece' as well. If there's really no feeling at all between you two, then get out and start anew. Come back to the living.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Then one day out of the blue my affair partner broke all contact. No calls, texts mails and no response to those sent by me. That was four months ago. Now I know his game. Had no intention of realizing the future he claimed he wanted but I am humiliated, angry, jobless, living in limbo in a dead marriage. Unlike others, I'm not sure you were played. It could be as simple as, when crunch time approached, he decided he valued his marriage more than the affair. Or he may have gotten caught and his wife insisted on NC to move forward. Happens all the time... If there's really no feeling at all between you two, then get out and start anew. Come back to the living. Best advice you've been given. Use this as a wake up call to move forward. Tell your H what's happened, let him do the same. If you're as disconnected as you say, he won't be surprised. Good luck and keep posting... Mr. Lucky 1
Author hillybilly45 Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 (edited) First, thanks for your replies. Although the number of posts I got was not many the inputs were practical and insightful. And seeing how active this forum is, as a new member, I look forward to more responses. You see any interest at this time, perhaps because my feeling of abandonment is so raw, is so soothing . I have tried to work it out with my husband for years and it's not worked. When I think of him in absentia I feel I should try harder but the moment I see him in person I just feel put out. It's a mean thing to feel and say but it's the truth. I honestly feel no guilt as far as he is concerned. What I feel terrible about is that I let a mature, thinking, successful professional like me get carried away like a teenager. That's been eating me and that my life will never be the same again. Deep down I know no matter what my affair partner did to me a part of me will always love him. For a long time he personified a happier future for me. But at the same time I remember all the trauma he put me through as his junior college. He was the top chap in the firm and was omnipotent and omniscient!!! Yes and I was a fool to treat him like God. I need to move away like someone says and start living. I am scared and unsure but that's the only way to get over him I guess. My life now and my marriage reminds me about what I lost. Please share your thoughts. I wish my partner has given me a reason before he disappeared. Why do you think he did such a thing? Was he afraid that the relationship had reached a watershed and was not wanting real serious commitment after all?. Please help. Sorry this is so long. Just helps to write it out. One day I WILL get to know he's settled down with someone. How do I prepare myself for that? Edited May 31, 2014 by hillybilly45
TiredFamilyGuy Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 (edited) I am sorry for your situation. Your troubles have several aspects One is that you wonder how genuine the feelings in the affair were, whether it was "real". In this respect I tend to agree with Mr Lucky. It is not perhaps that feelings were absent, it was that those there were "affair feelings" and not equal to the level needed to sustain a relationship. This evidenced by that when face to face with the choice of putting up or shutting up, he bailed at the last moment. Cowardly, yes, but a human thing to do. Alternatively you could have been played the whole time, but it is more likely that he and you deluded each other and yourselves, until the illusion burst. What illusion? It was an affair. A secret affair with none of the baggage and burdens of marriage, lots of excitement and mutual stoking up of passion. Affair feelings, they are a fantasy. When a fantasy bursts, you feel disillusioned. It was a gamble, and you lost, but the fact you lost means the prize was not what you thought it was anyway. Take some comfort there. "Not an hour passes without remorse and guilt. " You are feeling turbulent, cheated, self-condemning for your foolishness. I get that. Yet regarding your husband "I honestly feel no guilt as far as he is concerned" . Which is it? I hope the former, as really you have invested your dreams outside the marriage for years and deceived him thoroughly. But if your feelings are really self-directed, and that your husband is just a piece of furniture in your life, then you owe him that truth at some point soon. As for the feelings about your ex-Affair partner. These will pass when you develop other focus in your life. Then you will realise that it was a learning experience - and your mistake. Get a job, get a life, be honest with your H and leave him. Don't make any of those things dependent on the others. Don't blame your H for your choices. Good luck. Edited May 31, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy 3
atreides Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 Question to the OP, this question's context is not about right or wrong or about telling your husband or how you did wrong... simply is this about being dumped, that if your affair partner took you off into the sunset, would you feel the same regret, same guilt and guilt of what? What if Mr right came about as in to ask what is your guilt about? Is it because you still love your husband and and that the "dead marriage" is more about projection or is it that the ride your affair partner took you on that ultimately ended in rejection and thus to spite it? For one I am sorry for your pain, but if my hunch is right and you really have guilt, work on that, it will lead you in the right direction.
Author hillybilly45 Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 I am remorseful about letting myself get into this, allowing myself to be treated shabbily by my affair partner, giving up a good job where I had reached a senior management position on the hope that I would join him in his new workplace so that we'd be together... I feel much self loathing because despite being a mature person I let this person bewitch me and above all doing something I would never have done had I been in my right mind... Unfortunately I lost my mind and so here I am jobless, bitter and losing all faith in good while he moves on with his life. If only he'd been courageous enough to end it like a man. For me it was never the temporary thrill of an affair..I was looking to a future with him... I'd moved my life about to accommodate his...maybe I have no business to say this but even in the illicit love there was honesty... Contradictory as it may sound. I wish I knew why he just shut me down... Any thoughts out there???
TiredFamilyGuy Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 (edited) He shut you down because he no longer wanted the affair, or rather to live up to creating your fantasy for you. He - perhaps with some initial debate - decided that the part he wanted was the part of you he already had had, and wanted no more of, and having decided he acted, and went No Contact as the efficient way of moving on. He is now far away and not looking back. It will feel monstrously unjust. But he has moved on. He is very likely not at all fitfully sleeping or tortured by regret. Likely he has replaced you with a fresher model, as you suspect. Such would provide a rationale that at the level of actions at least you agree with - follow attraction no matter what previous commitments, yes?. Monstrously unfair to you of course - but the unjust are not concerned by such things when they are getting what they want, and all of us are capable of such injustice. I am. So are you. So are you. Yet I am sad for you. You are not ready to move on. First you must nurse the bitter feelings for a while. Yes, that is understandable. I do not condemn you for that. Your emotional truth was not the same as his. That's the actual truth, and to realise it, does devalue your own emotional truth, from the level of a glorious thing .. to just a foolish fantasy. When you say "in illicit love there was honesty" you merely cling to an exploded illusion. When the shared fantasy of romance is no longer shared ... and the romance was an affair particularly ... then the adjustment can be brutal. A self pity party will get you nowhere. Absolutely nowhere at all. Indulge your feelings for a long moment if you must. Then cast them off. I will be plain. You were a fool - trusting in promises made in a deceitful secret relationship. You complain of how your affair partner treated you but you have received broadly the consideration you were prepared to give. Yes I mean exactly that : you whine that "If only he'd been courageous enough to end it like a man" but you were just parked in your marriage, giving it no energy or focus yourself, unable to take a definitive honest step yourself. Your affair partner thought first of himself but your own attitude is not so far away. Realise that. Shudder, and move on with getting your life back together, finding work, becoming honest in your personal relationships, and moving out into independence. These acts will give you focus to displace your bitter - all the more bitter for being foolish - despair. Edited May 31, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy 4
Author hillybilly45 Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 I did not join this forum to get sugar coated answers and I appreciate your brutally honest take. I agree to most of what you 'v written. I think they were some things you could not relate to thus the judgemental answers. I of all people know how wrongly and unfairly I have acted especially to myself and I know the reason why I suffer so is that. I cannot accept your input that should not be bitter about my AP. How can I not?? He's turned away from me when I needed him most, after saying he would not...I am bitter at myself too as i believed him. My question is " how could he?" Yes, I was the married person, I should have acted better than I did, but he was a pretty smart adult too. You don't discard people whom you've claimed to love once you are done with them... I cannot accept that he did just this...at least for the last six months.
harrybrown Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 Your OM is not the person that you think. You should not think highly of him at all. He is not a god. He is a jerk, I was going to say something worse, but he is a fantasy, not real. Your H is real. He can't compete with a fantasy. Sorry that you put your trust is a scum. However, you are better with him out of your life. would your prince charming really do this to you? Your H did not do this to you. Your H is so much better than this slimeball. You got sucked into this jerk's land of the unicorns. You were escaping your real life. You have to find happiness within. If you can I would try to go to counseling to see why you would throw your life away for a fantasy. I would also get a new job or try to get the old one back. Your H is a much better man than this fantasy. If you can't get feelings back for your H, because you love this fantasy, (the OM is a fantasy, he was never real) you might want to set him free. However, one way to wake up is to expose the OM for what he is to others. Have you told your H all about your at least EA with the OM? You could write a timeline of your EA, if it was not a PA for him. It would either wake him up, or it could set you free. I would try to get another job and go NC with the OM forever. However the counseling could help you to find happiness within and start facing reality. I do wish you and your H some happiness.
AlwaysGrowing Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 I did not join this forum to get sugar coated answers and I appreciate your brutally honest take. I agree to most of what you 'v written. I think they were some things you could not relate to thus the judgemental answers. I of all people know how wrongly and unfairly I have acted especially to myself and I know the reason why I suffer so is that. I cannot accept your input that should not be bitter about my AP. How can I not?? He's turned away from me when I needed him most, after saying he would not...I am bitter at myself too as i believed him. My question is " how could he?" Yes, I was the married person, I should have acted better than I did, but he was a pretty smart adult too. You don't discard people whom you've claimed to love once you are done with them... I cannot accept that he did just this...at least for the last six months. You state that one does not discard someone that one has claimed to love.....haven't you done exactly the same in regard to your spouse? In the end....what difference will your AP reasons be to you? Will it lessen the personal and professional costs to you? Closure comes from within. It seems you are already on the road of processing....why get bogged down in another's issues?
TiredFamilyGuy Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 Being bitter, is like drinking poison, then waiting for someone else to die. 3
lovinDKT3 Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 I did not join this forum to get sugar coated answers and I appreciate your brutally honest take. I agree to most of what you 'v written. I think they were some things you could not relate to thus the judgemental answers. I of all people know how wrongly and unfairly I have acted especially to myself and I know the reason why I suffer so is that. I cannot accept your input that should not be bitter about my AP. How can I not?? He's turned away from me when I needed him most, after saying he would not...I am bitter at myself too as i believed him. My question is " how could he?" Yes, I was the married person, I should have acted better than I did, but he was a pretty smart adult too. You don't discard people whom you've claimed to love once you are done with them... I cannot accept that he did just this...at least for the last six months. Affairs are more often about eaze and convenience moreso then love and respect. Once they become hard and/or inconvenient it ends for one of the people involved. Its clear you were far more emotionally vested in the affair. Like you I walked through the hell of an affair, like you I justified it by convincing myself that my marriage was in a far worse state then it truely was. Totally rewriting our history. Things that were small issues for me became a huge deal as I got deeper into my A and the AP. You talk about him discarding you, do you feel that you've discarded your husband and marriage? From what you've wrote here so far it comes off as you have. Your marriage shouldn't depend on what the AP is or isn't doing. If there is nothing left why stay married? Its not fair to you and more importantly your husband. Shouldn't matter if your AP doesn't want to continue this relationship. Maybe I'm wrong but it doesn't seem like you care at all about your husband. All your ill feeling about the A seems to center around your feelings. I truely hope you can find happiness on the other side of this, but remember there is another person involved here, your husband. 2
SoleMate Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 (edited) Like others have said, time to take true ownership of your life and your choices. You were definitely played hard by a cheating OM. There is and was no honesty in that r/s, I hope you see that now. Whatever else you do, please call a suicide hotline and get screening for depression. I suspect you wouldn't have stayed in such a distant, unsatisfying marriage or had such a pointless affair if not for some depressive disorder. Your new bible is The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. CBT to help you make choices that serve you better in the short and long run. CBT can also help you look objectively at the past behavior of the ex-OM and examine some of your statements and choices about him. You need to get healthier in your mind to be able to repair your marriage. I see no reason to assume it can't be repaired. Yes, it has felt very distant and you have lived apart, but things are different now. Your H and M may possibly be the best things in your life, so I recommend trying to repair of at all possible. But right now, you need counseling and psychological help. Edited May 31, 2014 by SoleMate
Author hillybilly45 Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 Thanks you all for your concern. I know it's well meant but I also know how difficult it is to get my life on track. Yes, I do expect judgement: that some of you feel I have no right to expect loyalty when I could not give it myself...I won't say anything to justify what I did...I would not just wish this fate on even my worst enemy...I know I did wrong... I was foolish to believe that I could take a second chance with happiness
Author hillybilly45 Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 Heres's the scenario: The marriage was long over and in the last seven years we have not been intimate. We lived apart during the last five years. My partner knew about this. My partner wanted me to take up a job in his new company and I was supposed to move soon and then seek a divorce in time and marry him. The last time I spoke to him he told me he looked forward to meeting me soon. He repeated his dreams for our future. My husband knew I was planning to relocate. He allowed me to visit the workplace. Suddenly within hours of the last conversation my partner broke contact. I know I have to accept this situation but the finally end is so contradictory to my partner's behaviour leading up to it. Please give me your objective view of what must have gone wrong. This will help me accept things. Gone through it in my head a time and again so muddled!!
Speakingofwhich Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Suddenly within hours of the last conversation my partner broke contact. I know I have to accept this situation but the finally end is so contradictory to my partner's behaviour leading up to it. Please give me your objective view of what must have gone wrong. This will help me accept things. Gone through it in my head a time and again so muddled!! How do you know something hasn't happened to your partner? You say you haven't been able to get in touch with him at all? Something is amiss here. Surely, even if he was going to break things off he would have done so with an excuse of some sort. Also, re: your new job in his company. Surely there were others involved in the planning for this job besides your partner? You must have met others there. Not sure as to the nature of the company. Was it a start up with him at the helm? Or an established company with hiring processes you'd have gone through before taking up your new duties? I'm trying to recall how long your R with this man lasted but am thinking you wrote it was years. If so, in your place I would figure out a way to be face to face with this man for closure if nothing else. There must be a way for you to speak to him. Also, isn't he already divorced? Are you friends with any of his friends he left behind? I assume you still live in the city where he once resided. That said (the above) I'm with those who encourage you to settle things with your husband, no matter what becomes of you and your OM.
Author hillybilly45 Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 I know he's ok because I see him very hale and hearty on his company's website inputs and on social media. The company was one that was not doing well and for that they hired him. He's a big name in industry and he's at the helm of things. Yes, he was married briefly. He had no friends where he worked. He was the big boss and most people who are "close" to him will not share information unless they get a green signal from him. It was always like that even in the previous workplace. Besides this being an illicit thing was shrouded in secrecy. In fact he was v concerned that it would blow up and he'd be seen as an interloper. I don't know if I can patch up with my H. I feel it's gone too far beyond repair with or without the other person. We are like two islands.
DKT3 Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 How much effort did you put into making the marriage work? I ask because its not common for someone to be in a five year affair and work on their marriage at the same time. 1
still_an_Angel Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 A couple of possible scenarios: 1. the company is really in trouble and he does not want you to be involved in that 2. he created/involved himself in some sort of fraud in the company? 3. another AP that he found in his new workplace 4. he only used your brains for his own benefit in the new company as you mentio ned he put great pressure on you in relation to his work. Now he doesn't want you to find out how he used your labours and is passing them off as his 5. you moving there would be disastrous if he is not single (wife & kids) 6. hate this one but, he seemed out to sabotage you, to leave you hanging, no job and with your marriage falling apart I'm sorry none of them sound nice, are you able to just walk in his new workplace and get a one-on-one with him? You need to know why he broke off all contact suddenly.
Tayla Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Op? Would you stop and ask a blind guy for directions from your map? You have the map, and we are each blind to all facts on this scenario. You have what it takes to get you moving, Just step back and figure out how to make peace. seek professional help for your dilema if need be. we can be sounding boards yet I doubt any of us can accurately tell you why this man stopped all contact. Only he would be able to expound upon it. 2
TiredFamilyGuy Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 (edited) OP, I sympathise, but consider this: He is not thinking about you now in the way you expected. That is a good indicator that his thoughts about you back in the day, were also not as you led yourself to believe then. This would 100% chime with the affair script: you each were living an affair fantasy. You return to the question of "Why did he dump me?". In your situation this is a most unhelpful thing to dwell on because he has packed up the fantasy and moved on. He is not thinking about you, and while you are stuck in this loop of speculation you will not move on yourself. With affairs with an unmarried OM, the answer to why the AP dumps you can be answered a hundred ways that pretty much boil down to "Because he wanted to and it was convenient". Circumstances were ideal for him : he had moved, there would be (and have been) no repercussions. This feels awful for you because it does not validate your feelings of loose ended longing after what might have been. I keep trying, and others here keep trying to tell you, that was a fantasy secret affair relationship with built in deception. The feelings were so strong *because* they originated in this intense private world without bills laundry chores snoring annoying relatives and all the rest of the Captain Bringdown stuff of marriage. You sure validated *his* feelings: he got to have a secret affair with an underling, who then gave up her job for him. He knows he was more important to you than you were to him. That's validation by any measure, and once obtained he didn't seem to need any more than that. Or, he weighed it against the price and decided as he had already had the goods, no point in paying up. Or, he perceived he could get more by doing it all again with someone else. Or, whatever. It boils down to, he made that decision as evidenced by him cutting all contact. Your language indicates you are deep in the fog of denial - you refer to him as your "Partner". You were partners only in an affair. He did not want to be your partner in his business or his whole life. You were OK for an affair - which is not the same thing. You feel misled. You feel cheated. You feel lost. Along with a gazillion other women who wanted to be promoted from affair partner to wife or whatever, and who chose to believe whatever the man had to say to keep on getting into their pants. Except that in your case you are the married one. Shared woman = no responsibility, is how he may have thought. Who cares? It was not what you thought it was - and your feelings were no more "real" than anything else people can get each other to play along with. Deception is part of the cheaters toolkit, and I am afraid that you need to accept that as well as practicing it on others, you practiced it on yourself. I think this horrible funk is something you can pull yourself out of and move on from. But first, FFS pull your head out of where it is stuck. Edited June 1, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy 1
Speakingofwhich Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I'm so sorry you're suffering, hillybilly45. You must need some time to grieve which it seems you're doing now. When you're ready to allow yourself to begin facing who this man really is please consider how fortunate you are to be rid of him. From what you write he seems cold and calculating and it seems doubtful that he'd be a good person to be married to. Can you possibly get your old job back? Or would it help you to move on into a different company where you wouldn't have the memories of this person?
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