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my fiance is an alcoholic (thanks to all the post here ) I am ready to say good bye!

EverLastluv

By EverLastluv
in Addiction & Recovery

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EverLastluv Established Member

EverLastluv

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hello everyone,

The first time I came here I was curious how to make my relationship work. I learned to talk sweet, with loveing and caring. The reason why I wanted to change the way I speak was before I used to argue all the time with my fiance telling him words that really will hurt his feelings etc

 

The reason I was being that way was because he is an alcoholic! I tried everything with him .... going to classes and couples councling. Even to AA meetings. That did NOT work. Then I try to change the way I speak to him... I stop the naging, the complains, arguments etc. That did NOT work. I then finally moved him in with me to share a life together so he can feel more closer to me. That did NOT work.

 

With all of this I was dealing with, his mother and sister on the other hand was never suportive. They did not care at all. All they was conserned about was when he is drunk he gives away all his money to them.

I finally gave up and left him to stay home back with his mom.

 

My fiance did contact me trying to work things out. I gave him a chance just for one weekend to see if he truly wants to change. He try to stop the drinking he had moodiness, depressinon and a total withdrawl. After he went home back he started to drink again. (( he loves me but not enought to stop the drinking)) Drinking is surely a disease, its eather you want to take care of it or live with it.

 

He can get any woman he wants (just to have a good time) some woman out there just want to drink have sex and go about their business... thats the kind of woman would stay with him. But a woman like me who values my self and life .... his way would not be a futere for me. I love him deeply with all my heart, but not enought to accept a drunker.

 

Anyone here have any sujestion? Am I making the right decision to walk away?

Edited by EverLastluv
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Michelle ma Belle Established Member

Michelle ma Belle

Posted
Posted (edited)

I'm sorry to hear of your struggle and heartbreak. I understand very well what it means to love an alcoholic. Like any addiction, it's a never-ending process and one that comes with countless ups and downs and even more bad times than good.

 

Many addicts, especially in the very early stages of sobriety can be VERY difficult to be around because of things like moodiness and depression and just overall frustrations. It takes years of hard work and meetings and counselling and making a daily commitment to staying sober before they can be somewhat "normal". But even that comes with strings attached.

 

Unfortunately, I don't have any answers because there AREN'T any easy answers to loving an addict. What you have to remember is that YOU can't make him change. He HAS to WANT it for HIMSELF and no amount of love and care and tolerance and soft-speaking and tiptoeing around him is going to change him. Period.

 

This is HIS problem, not yours. All you can do is be kind, loving and supportive of his SOBRIETY while making sure to take care of yourself and your needs. You really don't want to live out the rest of your life with an addict. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but it's the truth. It's a thankless and stressful and all consuming job to be that person. You both deserve better than that.

 

I'm proud of you for taking action in trying to help him and yourself. As much as you may love him and want to be there for him, you have to take care of YOURSELF first! This disease can and does drag down even the best of us if we're not careful.

 

Sometimes love just isn't enough unfortunately.

 

Hugs to you.

Edited by Michelle ma Belle
  • Like 2
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

Addiction causes terrible problems in any relationship. Life is hard enough. If you don't want to deal with all of that you have every right to walk away.

  • Like 3
littleplanet Established Member

littleplanet

Posted
Posted

Only you can know whether it's a right decision to walk away.

(But I wouldn't disagree with that decision.)

 

Ultimately, your argument isn't with him.

It is with the alcohol.

(And that's an argument never won, only lost....that goes nowhere.)

 

He has to want you more than he wants that bottle.

If he doesn't - the bottle will win out every time.

 

It isn't easy sticking to sobriety, for an addict.

But it is a choice for a healthy, productive life.

I don't understand the psychology of it, because I've never had the problem

(although I grew up with it)

 

You are the sober one in the picture.

You help yourself best by staying strong.

I've known a lot of people who were married to substance abusers.

A lot of sad, heartbreaking stories.

 

And the recovered ones I've known?

Wonderful people, all of them - not one of them saved the relationship they were in before they made up their minds to quit and stay quit.

 

Good luck!

  • Like 2
KathyM Established Member

KathyM

Posted
Posted

You're making the right decision to walk away. Find someone who is emotionally healthy and able to be the kind of partner who has his stuff together, and not looking to alcohol or drugs to escape from his problems or from himself. Life with an alcoholic is a very stressful life. It's hard enough making relationships work without adding addictions to the relationship dynamic. No, cut your losses and find someone who is emotionally healthy and not using alcohol as a crutch to cope with life.

  • Like 1
SkyLex Member

SkyLex

Posted
Posted

first of all, i want to say you've done a great job on trying to work things out. you've experimented on things trying to change his habit. but still not working. i guess you've done your part and the other party just didn't cooperate.. you deserve a better person in your life.

  • Like 2
Basher1029 New Member

Basher1029

Posted
Posted

I'm currently going thru the same thing with my girlfriend of 2 years. She is a recovering drug addict...I tried everything I could, however, in the end it MUST be the addicts decision to get clean and sober. You MUST take care of yourself and stay strong. If your fiance decides that he wants to get clean and sober for himself (not for you or for his family) then your support will be invaluable to him. If he chooses sobriety then I'd say stay with him while remaining focused on yourself. If he chooses the bottle over himself (he's not choosing the bottle over you...he's choosing it over himself) then all you can do is walk away and pray for him to one day choose to love himself enough to quit.

  • Like 3
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EverLastluv Established Member

EverLastluv

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks everyone for your support. With your support and imput I would not have made it so far. At this moment I am totally stress free from worries. His problems is not mine anymore. He has a choice how he wants to live his life and so is everyone else. His life can not fit into mine at this moment. I would keep him in my prayers hoping one day he would choose a healthy living.

  • Like 5
  • 4 weeks later...
FitnessRN Established Member

FitnessRN

Posted
Posted

sadly, a few days ago, I had to put a girl in friendzone due to her having serious drinking problems every time I hung out with her. It's really a shame, but you can't be around people who are toxic and have substance abuse problems. You can't change them either :(

 

 

Sorry for your breakup..but do what must be done!

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