manna25 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 In an effort to maintain No Contact, I'd like to focus on all the ways my life is and will be better now that this relationship has ended and see if I can keep it up for every day this week--and permanently thereafter! Day 1 Thing I DON'T miss: Feeling like I'm being constantly manipulated, monitored and deliberately toyed with by someone who values having the upper hand more than genuine intimacy/connection in his relationships. How I feel now: Free to be myself without needing anyone's validation of my worth and no longer allowing myself to be controlled. How I'll feel eventually: Healthy, independent, and more grounded/ self-aware in future relationships. Tell me what you guys DON'T miss. How is your life vastly improved? Let us count the ways! 5
Raena Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Thing I don't miss - Being embarrassed by his behaviors to the point where I no longer had any friends because I couldn't bring them around him. - Being lied to, cheated on, gaslighted over and over again to the point where I didn't know what to believe. How I feel now Sad by the loss of what I thought I had but free to be me. How I'll eventually feel Happy with myself, proud of who I am 5
Author manna25 Posted May 30, 2014 Author Posted May 30, 2014 - Being lied to, cheated on, gaslighted over and over again to the point where I didn't know what to believe. Being gaslighted is one of the worst experiences, and I also dealt with a great deal of that with my ex; it's one of the most cruel ways to hurt someone by undermining their sanity and sense of self. I wish you all the best in getting past him! 2
me85 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Thing I DON'T miss: Feeling like I'm being constantly manipulated, monitored and deliberately toyed with by someone who values having the upper hand more than genuine intimacy/connection in his relationships. Fo sho. Love this thread! Thanks for starting it. My life is better now that I don't have someone controlling me, abusing me and always making me feel so small. The worst thing was my ex did not/does not respect me period what so ever because I didn't have as much schooling as him but I'm just as smart. He absolutely made me feel less than and beneath him in almost every possible way. He actually told me he wanted to be a better boyfriend to his new gf when they first started talking and that "She's making something of herself. She has goals." I could go on and on with all the cruel things he's ever said or done to me. Heck, that would take quite a while to go through. I guess what I'm saying is I don't miss how my ex made me feel not good enough the majority of the time. I don't miss the abuse. I don't miss being used and liked only for sex. I was just a sex object to him. Not a person with feelings. I don't miss how it was always about him and his family & whatever they said went. I don't miss being last resort, second best, not a priority in his life. This is awesome. I need to list this stuff everyday! Thank you so much! You're like me. We have been seeing the good but when we really think about it the bad outweighs the good. Significantly. I want to keep going but it will be just, so ... people will really think "Man she's a freaking full blown idiot for staying with someone after being treated that way by them for so long." It's just awful and humiliating. 3
Author manna25 Posted May 30, 2014 Author Posted May 30, 2014 Thing I DON'T miss: Feeling like I'm being constantly manipulated, monitored and deliberately toyed with by someone who values having the upper hand more than genuine intimacy/connection in his relationships. Fo sho. Love this thread! Thanks for starting it. My life is better now that I don't have someone controlling me, abusing me and always making me feel so small. The worst thing was my ex did not/does not respect me period what so ever because I didn't have as much schooling as him but I'm just as smart. He absolutely made me feel less than and beneath him in almost every possible way. He actually told me he wanted to be a better boyfriend to his new gf when they first started talking and that "She's making something of herself. She has goals." I could go on and on with all the cruel things he's ever said or done to me. Heck, that would take quite a while to go through. I guess what I'm saying is I don't miss how my ex made me feel not good enough the majority of the time. I don't miss the abuse. I don't miss being used and liked only for sex. I was just a sex object to him. Not a person with feelings. I don't miss how it was always about him and his family & whatever they said went. I don't miss being last resort, second best, not a priority in his life. This is awesome. I need to list this stuff everyday! Thank you so much! You're like me. We have been seeing the good but when we really think about it the bad outweighs the good. Significantly. I want to keep going but it will be just, so ... people will really think "Man she's a freaking full blown idiot for staying with someone after being treated that way by them for so long." It's just awful and humiliating. You should join me in listing them out for the next 7 days… and longer if needed! I've tried to remind myself of all the bad things before but I think doing it consistently, daily, and with support/feedback from people in the same place will be really helpful for those of us really invested in moving on. Nobody worth their salt would consider you an idiot for sharing and you shouldn't either! You made the mistake of investing your emotions in someone who didn't warrant it, but you tried your best to make it work before realizing there was nothing to salvage and now you're trying to move on with composure and optimism-- the only traits I'm picking up on are that you're not a coward, you see your commitments through to best of your ability, and you're strong enough to not resort to cynicism and bitterness if something doesn't work. As for how he cut you down and undermined your intelligence--in my experience, the only people that evaluate based on arbitrary criteria (like the school you did or did not go to) and try to demean you are people that are insecure in their own intelligence themselves. They don't want to be discovered as frauds, so they attack the people that see them with the most clarity. He can wrap that degree around himself to stay warm at night because he sure as hell doesn't deserve a decent and intelligent person like you. 2
me85 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 You should join me in listing them out for the next 7 days… and longer if needed! I've tried to remind myself of all the bad things before but I think doing it consistently, daily, and with support/feedback from people in the same place will be really helpful for those of us really invested in moving on. Nobody worth their salt would consider you an idiot for sharing and you shouldn't either! You made the mistake of investing your emotions in someone who didn't warrant it, but you tried your best to make it work before realizing there was nothing to salvage and now you're trying to move on with composure and optimism-- the only traits I'm picking up on are that you're not a coward, you see your commitments through to best of your ability, and you're strong enough to not resort to cynicism and bitterness if something doesn't work. As for how he cut you down and undermined your intelligence--in my experience, the only people that evaluate based on arbitrary criteria (like the school you did or did not go to) and try to demean you are people that are insecure in their own intelligence themselves. They don't want to be discovered as frauds, so they attack the people that see them with the most clarity. He can wrap that degree around himself to stay warm at night because he sure as hell doesn't deserve a decent and intelligent person like you. I will absolutely join you! LOL That last part really made me smile. Thank you so much. He had tremendous help all throughout his life (as his family is very wealthy.) Just like how he had a lot of help getting into that fancy university he graduated from. That is of no matter though. It's healthier for me to see it as a gain not a loss for reasons I don't necessarily have to mention (oh but I will depending on my mood about him that day LOL.) You are absolutely right! This is for people who are really invested in moving on & we are! & you're right again about how those who demean others are just insecure people. My ex is extremely insecure. To the point of disgust because he goes to such lengths to "look cool" or "better" than others. He is very materialistic. Which he learned from his mother. She's a sweet lady but totally oblivious to who her son really is. But I guess no one will ever know him like I did. Lucky for them. Thank you again Manna. Your words have meant a lot! 1
stillfiguringitallou Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 OOOOO OOOOO MEMEMEME Day 1 Thing I DON'T miss: The fact that he was ALWAYS the victim. He seemed to think it was okay to validate his actions on those of others, but god forbid you even call HIM on anything he had done wrong - much less react to it - then you were just disrespectful and manipulative. How I feel now: Glad that I don't have to listen to him drivel on anymore about all the ways others have disappointed him. How I'll feel eventually: Eventually I'll realize that I'm just another victimizer in his mind now. That he will never accept fault for his own actions - and the kicker - is realizing that even when he admits it and apologizes - it's just bull**** 1
faithfully Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 Things i dont miss about my ex- him!! I just dont miss him, its been that long and 6months of strict no contact and 9month since break up, i just dont even think about him. Prob sounds weird but am out going on dates, nothing serious so just dont miss him and am too busy to even think about him. 1
Author manna25 Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 OOOOO OOOOO MEMEMEME Day 1 Thing I DON'T miss: The fact that he was ALWAYS the victim. He seemed to think it was okay to validate his actions on those of others, but god forbid you even call HIM on anything he had done wrong - much less react to it - then you were just disrespectful and manipulative. How I feel now: Glad that I don't have to listen to him drivel on anymore about all the ways others have disappointed him. How I'll feel eventually: Eventually I'll realize that I'm just another victimizer in his mind now. That he will never accept fault for his own actions - and the kicker - is realizing that even when he admits it and apologizes - it's just bull**** ^ This. Exactly. The convoluted way the mind of someone who accepts NO responsibility/accountability for themselves works is mind boggling. If you happen to be a nice, empathetic person who gets involved with them, you're basically screwed because every situation will be so tactfully twisted to make you the villain. Jerks! 1
Author manna25 Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 Day 2 Thing I DON'T miss: Having conversations with myself. All communication (or no communication) being on HIS terms. Wanting desperately to be heard and at least understood and getting nowhere. Ending every interaction wanting to feel better and closer but feeling heartbroken and empty. How I feel now: Heartbroken and empty. Still angry, still regretful. Anxious to finally get past this. How I'll feel eventually: I will find the validation I need within myself. Eventually I'll come to a place of benign indifference. Not wishing him well, not wishing him misery. Not sad, not angry, just over it. 2
me85 Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 DAY 2 I don't miss your lack of true intimacy. You never really talked to me & opened up. I don't miss not connecting that way. 3
Elle1975 Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 His constant bad moods. Just the way he is. It's draining, as I have a somewhat mellow and laid back personality, I don't miss his bad breath. I can totally live with that, but if we have to mention some of the things I don't miss, that'd be one of them. The constant need that he had to over control his dogs and mine at all time. While dogs need to have rules, I feel he felt challenged by them. His lack of communication. That comes down to a very self-centered kind of way to live his life. I have flaws too, for sure. It worked for us, like I said, I'm very laid back. 1
me85 Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 I don't miss his lack of romance. I don't miss him shooshing me. I don't miss him lecturing me and treating me like a child. I don't miss him hogging the covers. I don't miss him controlling the radio in the car. ALWAYS! I don't miss him picking on me. 2
stillfiguringitallou Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 Day 2 Thing I DON'T miss: The way he was allowed to miss me, desire me, need alone time, need space, But I never was. Anytime I told him I missed him I was "being clingy" (and no it was NOT daily), Anytime I initiated sex (not kissing/making out stuff - sex) I was always being aggressive and unattractively desperate, If I needed alone time or space I was always "being dramatic" if he did he was just being true to his NEEDS and I needed to respect that. How I feel now: Angry, ashamed, shocked that I ever stayed in the relationship this long, Ashamed that I didn't see the cycles sooner - I am not naive - but manipulating emotions instead of direct hits to the self esteem, intelligence, body ... that s*** is a whole new ballgame... which brings me to .... terrified. I've never been in a relationship that was so unhealthy that had NO real red flags. I'm scared that from now on - even when it's good - I'll see shadows. How I'll feel eventually: I am indifferent to him now. His petty attacks and claims of how hurt he is, just fall at my feet. But eventually, I won't even think of him at all. At worst he'll be a bullet dodged. And I'll have learned but hopefully healed from the experience entirely. 1
km19 Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 I don't miss having to drive EVERY conversation. It got extremely tiresome after a while I don't miss having things held against me that were completely out of my control I don't miss the double standards. I don't miss hearing all her excuses on how to get out situations where we could hang out with other people. And most importantly, I don't miss the lies she fed me for the last month of our relationship. 3
Raena Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 Day 2 Things I don't miss His racist comments. He knew I couldn't stand it when he used the "N" word, so he made a point of doing it all the time while explaining why he doesn't like "them". He blames all of the problems in the world on those he doesn't like, much like Hitler did the Jews during the Holocaust. He'd go on and on and on about it for hours making me cringe. Ignoring him didn't work. Telling him to shut-up didn't work. Arguing with him for why he's wrong didn't work. I HATED it. How I feel right now Relieved that I don't have to listen to that crap any longer but wishing I could have made him feel differently about it How I'll feel eventually Hopeful that my son will learn to treat others with respect and not be like his father 2
Author manna25 Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 Day 2 Thing I DON'T miss: The way he was allowed to miss me, desire me, need alone time, need space, But I never was. Anytime I told him I missed him I was "being clingy" (and no it was NOT daily), Anytime I initiated sex (not kissing/making out stuff - sex) I was always being aggressive and unattractively desperate, If I needed alone time or space I was always "being dramatic" if he did he was just being true to his NEEDS and I needed to respect that. How I feel now: Angry, ashamed, shocked that I ever stayed in the relationship this long, Ashamed that I didn't see the cycles sooner - I am not naive - but manipulating emotions instead of direct hits to the self esteem, intelligence, body ... that s*** is a whole new ballgame... which brings me to .... terrified. I've never been in a relationship that was so unhealthy that had NO real red flags. I'm scared that from now on - even when it's good - I'll see shadows. How I'll feel eventually: I am indifferent to him now. His petty attacks and claims of how hurt he is, just fall at my feet. But eventually, I won't even think of him at all. At worst he'll be a bullet dodged. And I'll have learned but hopefully healed from the experience entirely. I don't know how some people get off operating under the impression that their feelings are somehow more important. Or how they think they'll ever be able to intimately connect with anyone with that mindset. You learned a lesson and you have no reason to be ashamed. 1
Author manna25 Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 How I'll feel eventually Hopeful that my son will learn to treat others with respect and not be like his father With a conscientious mother like you, I'm sure he'll grow up to be a wonderful man capable of healthy relationships! 1
Author manna25 Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 Day 3 Thing I DON'T miss: Being criticized and undermined to boost his ego. Underhanded comments discreetly spewed out in a way that wouldn't even hold him accountable. How I feel now: Disappointed in how much and how long I just put up with it, even trying to pathetically prove myself to him. How I'll feel eventually: Comfortable with who I am and how I am, and secure enough in my character to stand up for myself if/when I'm ever treated that way again.
lime87 Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 (edited) Thing I don't miss His excessive drinking Not being honest with me Overbearing and selfish behaviour How I feel now I still miss and love him but I hope it'll pass soon. I'm getting to the angry stage now thankfully! How I'll eventually feel Like I am actually the better person in this situation and a strong person who won't take that again. Hope he crawls back when it all blows up in his face in a couple of months. Good luck living in your mother's attic forever, loser. Edited June 1, 2014 by lime87 2
stillfiguringitallou Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Day 3 Thing I DON'T miss: How he pretended to have moved on from past hurts, but carried them with him, in this underlying current of discontent that ran through our entire relationship. How I feel now: Disappointed in the fact that I didn't catch onto it at first, until I too had been corrupted by it. What I realize now: His twisted anger and bitterness driven images of me are not who I am. I am love, I am light, I am a healer. I was merely reflecting back his negative emotions that had tainted my own because I let him in. The longer he is away, the more l feel myself returning, the clearer I see it. Like a demonic possession. It explains so much - like why I felt I was at war - involved in a battle that would determine the course of my life. Between my positive energy, and the negative energy ... the jealous, angry, bitter energy that transferred to me through him. I am mentally, spiritually, and intellectually better with out him. The emotions will follow. 3
Raena Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Day 3 Things I don't miss Him taking over everything that was mine, making it his own and then ruining it. He never bought anything of his own until he was planning to leave me. Even after he's been gone for 7 months now, he's still trying to get me to give him things that I paid for claiming they are his. He took over my computer, my ipod, my side of the bed, ruined my pots and pans, took over the living room couch and stunk it up with his sweat, took over the tv and cost me thousands of dollars in cable bills because he couldn't stand to be without a tv, racked up countless miles on my car, didn't work for three years while mooching off of me and the list goes on and on. How I feel now Glad that I don't have to worry about my things being taken over and broken anymore by him. Glad that I can now start putting away some money to purchase a home because all of my money isn't being spent on him anymore. Embarrassed that I let myself get into that situation in the first place. How I'll eventually feel Happy in a home of my own and money in the bank. Hopeful that I'll find a man who is financially and emotionally stable. 3
elseaacych Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Things I don't miss: Everything was about him. I went by his schedule, was driven by his needs. He was very needy, and got resentful whenever I actually needed support. He didn't support my dreams. He also had a tendency to cause a lot of drama between himself and other people, and thought that the world was out to get him. That, I do not miss. How I feel now: Liberated, but that feeling comes and goes. There are times I miss the physical aspects of the relationship, and the certainty of a shared future. Oh well, the future, no matter if you are in a relationship or not, is always uncertain. How I'll eventually feel: Hopefully soon I won't give a sh-t about what he's up to. Hopefully soon, I can build a relationship with someone who can appreciate what I have to give. 4
Author manna25 Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 His twisted anger and bitterness driven images of me are not who I am. I am love, I am light, I am a healer. I was merely reflecting back his negative emotions that had tainted my own because I let him in. I relate so much it's ridiculous... And yes, it was an awful thing to go through but I trust we'll both grow and come out of this stronger and better for the experience. 1
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