Strech111 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Hi everyone! I'm new on here. I've read numerous posts of similar situations but I need to talk/ let this out. I seriously don't know what to do?!? We've been married for over a year now. Been together almost 6 years. And have a new born. I'm fairly young, 29 and she's, 31. Where to start, lol.. The sex has completely come to a stop and been on a downward spiral the last couple of years. Thought getting married would change things, which it did. Just not the way I thought it would. Up until the point we got married, I recall listening to married people saying what I'm experiencing now. I always told myself, we'll never be one of those couples. Who hate each other and live a sexless marriage. It seems like that road isn't to far of a drive now. It's got to the point where it feels like pulling teeth to get anything out of her. Emotionally and sexually. I feel like a dog begging for a treat. And when she gives in, the way she gives in, "hurry up and finish" kills the mood. She's my wife, I shouldn't have to be begging or as previously stated, "having her give in"! God forbid I ask to try something new or do something other then the standard sex acts. World war three starts. I've tried everything I could think of. Candle light diners, taking her out, starting out with messages, toys, role playing, games, ect..tried talking to her about it which leads to arguments and weeks without intimacy. Probably asking yourself, how's thing performance wise? Not to sound vane, I take care of business. Always make sure she finished before I do. Starting to make me think, could that be an issue? Could her being satisfied every time lead her to not want more for an extended period? I don't know?!? Now the other issue. Her ex... When we first started dating. I would hear and she would tell me without asking, about her past. Experiences they shared together. Not gonna lie, bothered me for a longest time. But I smacked myself and stopped dwelling on it. That's none of my business. Now that we're not having sex, it's bothering me again. I don't tell her any of this. Things she did with him, she won't do with me. Without getting into to much details, out side of the norm things. Which I'd love to do with my wife but she won't. She went from this crazy party girl to a Stanford wife?!? I've caught her in the middle of the night taking care of herself, after a night of me begging again. She watches porn all the time. I know she has a drive for it. So what could that mean? I'm starting to resent her for this. I sleep on the couch a few times a week now because I can't take it. I'm so frustrated that cheating ran through my mind but would never do that to her. I treat my wife very well. I cook and clean as much as I can. I help out with the kid all the time. And work 50-60 hours a week, but still able to make time for her. I never let anyone talk down to her and always defend her honor. I think I play the sensitive and tuff roles well for her. Would be really great to get another woman's opinion on this. What do you think? Is the problem within her or myself?
ChooseTruth Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Are you sure it's not just because of the newborn? That's a really tough time to be expecting sex, but you mentioned her pleasing herself...so.... Then my guess is she has something against you for some reason and it's hard for her to want to have sex. Maybe something you did/said or didn't do/say? What does she say when you discuss the issue with her?
dichotomy Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 The sex has completely come to a stop and been on a downward spiral the last couple of years. Thought getting married would change things, which it did. Just not the way I thought it would. Could you expand upon this - the sex was not that good ever - even when dating pre-marriage and kids - and you thought getting married would improve it???? Her ex... When we first started dating. I would hear and she would tell me without asking, about her past. Experiences they shared together. Not gonna lie, bothered me for a longest time. But I smacked myself and stopped dwelling on it. That's none of my business. Now that we're not having sex, it's bothering me again. I don't tell her any of this. Things she did with him, she won't do with me. Without getting into to much details, out side of the norm things. Which I'd love to do with my wife but she won't. She went from this crazy party girl to a Stanford wife?!? What exactly was she telling you about her ex? - before you got married. Sounds insulting...was she bragging? Did you not address this then? Was she not getting something from you or comparing? If you can be honest - from your view what was it that this ex had that got your wife reved up? Yes - wives often deal with the whore/Madonna single gal/wife roles with sex. Discussed here on this site many times. Easier to let your self be treated a bit raunchy by a guy you don't have see again - vs a husband you might argue with over doing the dishes later. Its common. Also you have a newborn, that never helps, and it can change a woman's hormones and body - besides being tired. Or you really have done something to build up resentment in her - and you don't get it - or she wont share it. I've caught her in the middle of the night taking care of herself, after a night of me begging again. She watches porn all the time. I know she has a drive for it. So what could that mean? Well that's a new twist for a wife, usually I hear this only with the guy. This is good new and bad news. Her drive is there - but something is up for you. Out of curiosity can you find out what she is watching? (wonder if there is something on her fantasy or wish list). Can you ask if you can watch together maybe? At least you know she has some interest in sex - just not with you right now for what ever reason. I'm starting to resent her for this. I sleep on the couch a few times a week now because I can't take it. I'm so frustrated that cheating ran through my mind but would never do that to her. You might leave and you might cheat - this resentment can build more and more to levels beyond what is now. You need to go to see a couples marriage therapist - we can't ask your wife questions. Suggest you find a female therapist. I treat my wife very well. I cook and clean as much as I can. I help out with the kid all the time. And work 50-60 hours a week, but still able to make time for her. I never let anyone talk down to her and always defend her honor. I think I play the sensitive and tuff roles well for her. With SOME women - sensitive household chore doing nice husbands don't drive passion. For some they need their husbands to remain the man - strong confident leader and not the maid. Google "Athol Kay". However, I would go the therapy route prior to trying to man up your game - because it might be something else. responses above in bold
oldshirt Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 This sounds like a textbook case of her marrying you for stability and support and because she thought you'd be a good provider/father/friend etc but she has no actual sexual attraction/desire for you. If you used to have hot, passionate, unihibited monkey sex back in your early days together, you may be able to get some of that back if you change a lot of how you look and how you conduct yourself. If you've always had a lackluster sexlife and have always kind of been in the friendliness then you will have a greater challenge. My recommendation is to stop talking to her about and don't do anything untill you have read the books "The Married Man Seixlife Primer" and " The Mindful Attraction Plan" both by Athol Kay. And "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover. Read those three books cover to cover and then formulate a plan whether to leave her and move on with your life or try to step up to the plate to get her attraction back (assuming you had it in the first place)
oldshirt Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 (edited) responses above in bold I agree with dichotomy although I would reccommend getting the books first and understanding some of the core principles of attraction and relationship dynamics before seeking counseling. While I do advocate counseling often, if a man is going to go into marital counseling for which in this case appears to be primarily an attraction issue, he needs to go into it from a position of strength and have clear-cut goals and be willing to dissolve the marriage and walk away if he had to. Traditional marriage therapists/counselors are often fairly well equipped to deal with "problems" and communication issues and bad behaviors such as adultry, absenteeism and toxic conflict resolution issues, and are not so well equipped to deal with attraction issues. A counselor is not going to tell a guy to lose weight and get buffed up and get more flirty and sexually assertive when his wife has newborn and is telling him to "hurry up and finish" and then spanking to porn in the middle of the night. Many counselors are also quick to blame men and quick to advise more supplication from men, which in this case may be more of the problem than lack of support. It's easy to come out of a counseling session looking weaker and of less value than going in if you don't have an adequate inventory of your strengths and weaknesses and have a some well-defined objectives. My recommendation is to get the books, identify some strengths and weaknesses, determine some clear cut objecttives and go into from a position of strength and determination. Edited May 30, 2014 by oldshirt
Poppygoodwill Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I wager this isn't about sex. She's angry with you. Or she's hurt, or some combination of both. Or perhaps she's gone from being essentially her own person to someone's wife and someone's mother, living for others, and she feels powerless. When people feel angry, hurt or powerless, what do they do? Pull back, to try to regain some sense of control. She's pulled back and you have to figure out why and then the two of you have to start talking adn work through it. If she's taking care of herself, then it's not a lack of desire. It's a lack of will to share that desire with you. So think on that...why might she be angry or hurt? 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 All that stuff about how to get a woman back into the groove of things by doing candle-lit dinners and cleaning and all that crap never works, so that was pretty much a waste of time, have no idea why people even recommend that personally never seen it or heard it work, don't even know why people try it...it's like one of those old myths, I should call up mythbusters to debunk it officially. It sounds like your wife has really lost the emotional and sexual interest in you, whether that's through trust issues or a lack of love/passion for you who knows, anything could really be on the table..she's masturbating, she has a drive, sure maybe she's doing that to spite you and neglect you, punishing you for something in particular by starving you and resenting you but she's got to have some drive to do that as well, she has that sexual release. So you really need to get down and have a heart to heart, you need to write her a letter or sit down with her and express to her how it really makes you feel, no punches pulled just straight out raw and transparent, express yourself and let her know how much this hurts and affects you...and ask her why your relationship with her is like this, and ask for the honest truth. You've got to get underneath that defense layer of auto-pilot where she just throws up her walls, fights with you then deflects and ignore you and your feelings, because she doesn't want to know how you feel, she doesn't want that stress or added pressure but you need to get through to her because there is a breaking point. So really work on your approach, really set up a time and place, don't talk about it, don't make it about her, just make it about how you feel...don't give her a reason to feel defensive, don't get her a reason to feel attacked, just make it about you. I'm trying to make that really clear because once you start pointing fingers and accusing her of this or that it's all over and she'll shut down, because she's already likely heard that 100 times before. You may find that she's got some deep seated emotional hangups with you or she's just fell off the love wagon, but if you really want to know the truth you've got to know what you're dealing with, you both can't keep avoiding it anymore, I'm sure you're both unhappier for it living like this. There has to be some transparency and truths out in the open in order to change the dynamic here, otherwise I think you'll just continue going around in circles and based on what I've seen, this sh** can go on for decades, it's really sad how people live together, can't understand for the life of me how people are so gung-ho and optimistic about marriage. So instead of trying to ask another women their perspective or opinion, the answers are in that woman in your house every day, that's where the answers are. Women do not interpret or can necessarily put themselves in another's shoes without being able to highly personalize or emotionalize themselves in that situation in order to relate, so without the input from the wife and you drawing an emotionally vivid picture/situation that they can interpret based on her point of view, they'll pretty much have no clue how your wife feels anyway by you just saying how you feel about all this, they need to be able to emotionally relate to her and based on what you've said here, which is near next to nothing about what's she said or how she feels, they can only go based off their personal experience which can vary greatly from what your wife is thinking or feeling. It's not like with men where there is this universal unspoken understanding of each other which is clear and logical, we can reason things in order to relate. 2
Popsicle Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Do YOU watch porn all the time too? Did you watch it together at first? Perhaps porn is the problem.
laurelin Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 It's got to the point where it feels like pulling teeth to get anything out of her. Emotionally and sexually. I feel like a dog begging for a treat. And when she gives in, the way she gives in, "hurry up and finish" kills the mood. She's my wife, I shouldn't have to be begging or as previously stated, "having her give in"! God forbid I ask to try something new or do something other then the standard sex acts. World war three starts. If I were still married, I'd be wondering if this post was about me...this is exactly how it was between my ex-husband and I. Back then, I didn't really know why I had no interest in him or why I would get so offended when he would ask for sex. In hindsight, I know exactly why. There was a clear separation between love and sex for my ex. He would ask for sex after going an entire day without saying more than 5 sentences to me. He was unable to give an affectionate non-sexual touch -- it always turned into a grope-fest that was, somehow, supposed to turn me on. No talking, no connection, no natural progression to making love. It was just a proposition that came out of nowhere and a guilt trip if I was less than enthusiastic about dropping everything to be at his beck and call. He made me feel like an object. And those times when I did "give in", it was like it didn't even matter than it was me. I could have been anyone. As a result, I lost trust in him. When you have to ask/beg for sex and her libido is still normal, there's could be a trust and/or communication issue. Good communication makes a woman feel valued and loved. It makes her feel closer to you and, when that happens, the trust begins to rebuild and will give way to more intimacy.
juicygirl Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 At first I was thinking it's the baby, a lot of women lose interest in sex after the baby is born normally until the baby turns 1, sucks I know. Happened to me with the first child and I didn't see it coming. However you mention you caught her pressuring herself! Ouch, that means it's the relationship and not the fact she has a newborn. My male friend has this same problem his too much of a nice guy to run. His wife blamed the baby and the brith at first, the baby is now 6 years old! I think it all happened too fast, or maybe she wanted a baby and now doesn't want to break up a family but doesn't want him sexually etc. Is your wife o.k in other areas, I mean is she seeming depressed or not herself other than the no sex, could it be pnd? Is she still friendly with you or is she snappy. If she's acting o.k until you mention sex then the problem could be fixed, if she's acting like she doesn't want you around at all it's going to be a harder longer road.
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