Tally123 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Many people might not know my story. Was with ex for year and a half and we broke up just over a month ago. To say I was devastated was an understatement. Still having a hard time, some days bearable, others total and utter torture. We have spoken about 3 times over text (initiated by him). Last time we spoke I was waiting to hear about a course that I really wanted to be accepted on to further my career. During our last conversation he made a big deal of this and googled the Course, said I would be great etc and then said can I let him know how I get on. I replied with "if you want" and he said yes please back. I have not messaged him at all about this, but now really want to. Will he think it is rude of me not to tell him how I have got in? Will he think I now hate him as I have also deleted him off of FB. I do not hate him. I still love him as much as I did the day we split and may always do. he did break up with me but is not a bad person at all. Thank you for your help T
counterman Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Why did he break up with you? Letting him be part of your life while you are still getting over this break up, in my opinion, is not a good idea because he's not your boyfriend anymore and you are not together; anything less just won't be enough. It doesn't matter what he thinks. What is most important is how you are fairing. Deleting him off Facebook is necessary because you don't want to know what's going on in his life. It's better if you didn't. Imagine seeing a photo of him with another girl. I would go as far as to block him on Facebook so he can't visit your profile, even if he's not your friend. I don't know him at all but chances are he might be keeping tabs on you, to keep you on the back burner. Not saying this is always the case, but it could be a reason he's texting you. Or maybe he's relieving his own guilt in breaking up with you? As much as he's not a bad person, he still made the decision to end the relationship with you. I don't know why you guys broke up but he looked ahead and said to himself "I don't want to be in a relationship with her". It's hard to accept but that's just the way it is. Do you want him back?
Zahara Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Was with ex for year and a half and we broke up just over a month ago. To say I was devastated was an understatement. Still having a hard time, some days bearable, others total and utter torture. Then why are you still in contact with him? Your issue with informing him about this course has no bearing when the bigger picture here is you going strict NC and focusing on healing. The break-up is still recent and you have done nothing but pick at the wound with contact. He is an ex. Regardless of whether he is a good guy or not, he doesn't get the benefit of getting updates about your life. When he ended it with you, he chose to remove himself from your life. This ocassional banter does nothing for you but keep your emotions on simmer. Go NC.
Author Tally123 Posted May 30, 2014 Author Posted May 30, 2014 Counterman - He said he wasn't happy anymore and hasn't been for a little while. I suffer from anxiety which isn't great and has caused problems in our relationship. When he started pulling away, I started to act more anxious and insecure and the cycle started again. But I did and do love him more than anything. He was the most important person in my life. Zahara - I have not spoken to him for nearly two weeks. When he last text me, I made the decision that I was going strict NC and have kept up to that by finally deleting him off FB and not contacting him whatsoever. I just feel bad that he will now think I am childish and will think that I hate him as have deleted him from social media and not told him about my course which he wanted me to do (I know for his own selfish reasons). BUT I also understand what you are saying. Nice guy or not he decided not to have me in his life anymore and therefore that means not knowing anything about me.
d0nnivain Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Do not text time to tell him about your course. (Congratulations on getting it btw) You claim that you are only telling him because you are being polite. Really you want an excuse to reach out. Don't do it.
Zahara Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Zahara - I have not spoken to him for nearly two weeks. When he last text me, I made the decision that I was going strict NC and have kept up to that by finally deleting him off FB and not contacting him whatsoever. I just feel bad that he will now think I am childish and will think that I hate him as have deleted him from social media and not told him about my course which he wanted me to do (I know for his own selfish reasons). BUT I also understand what you are saying. Nice guy or not he decided not to have me in his life anymore and therefore that means not knowing anything about me. I can't tell you how often posters come on here with that mentality. NC is all about self-preservation. It isn't about being childish, vindictive, immature, etc. It's about taking care of you. Secondly, the dumper's perception of you going dark is not your problem. He's not an idiot. He knows that the only way for you to heal is to completely detach from him. I don't believe he thinks you hate him and while it may sting him some, he knows why you need to do it. And so what if he thinks you hate him? Was he worried of what you thought of him when he dumped you? Nope. Quit that thinking and stop prioritizing his feelings. If contact is detrimental to your healing, regardless of how he feels, you put yourself first. 1
Author Tally123 Posted May 30, 2014 Author Posted May 30, 2014 Correction on post above- I have not been strict strict NC. We haven't spoken but I check his facebook profile often as he still has not changed his profile pic of us together. I think I am wanting to hurt myself when he does, but also want him to hurry up and change it (after nearly 6 weeks). These things sound so stupid and non consequential
Zahara Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Correction on post above- I have not been strict strict NC. We haven't spoken but I check his facebook profile often as he still has not changed his profile pic of us together. I think I am wanting to hurt myself when he does, but also want him to hurry up and change it (after nearly 6 weeks). These things sound so stupid and non consequential Well, you have deleted him from FB and now you block him so you can't see anything. A picture doesn't change the fact that he still wants to remain broken up.
Author Tally123 Posted May 30, 2014 Author Posted May 30, 2014 Do not text time to tell him about your course. (Congratulations on getting it btw) You claim that you are only telling him because you are being polite. Really you want an excuse to reach out. Don't do it. Donivon - You may be right about it being an excuse, but I am not sure that is totally the truth. Part of me feels sick at the thought I wont hear from him again which is becoming more of a possibility each day. The other part of me feels sick that he will text me again. As when he has done before I have felt terrible and didn't know what to say. I have had ample opportunities to text him about things, this being one, but I hope I am doing somewhat well in not jumping at those opportunities.
Author Tally123 Posted May 30, 2014 Author Posted May 30, 2014 Well, you have deleted him from FB and now you block him so you can't see anything. A picture doesn't change the fact that he still wants to remain broken up. 100% true but still hurtful nonetheless
Author Tally123 Posted May 30, 2014 Author Posted May 30, 2014 I can't tell you how often posters come on here with that mentality. NC is all about self-preservation. It isn't about being childish, vindictive, immature, etc. It's about taking care of you. Secondly, the dumper's perception of you going dark is not your problem. He's not an idiot. He knows that the only way for you to heal is to completely detach from him. I don't believe he thinks you hate him and while it may sting him some, he knows why you need to do it. And so what if he thinks you hate him? Was he worried of what you thought of him when he dumped you? Nope. Quit that thinking and stop prioritizing his feelings. If contact is detrimental to your healing, regardless of how he feels, you put yourself first. Zahara - Yes in my mind his feelings are more important than my own right now. Why - because I love him so much and don't love myself much at this moment in time. When you are dumped it is hard to feel so great about yourself. Also I am beating myself up about things I done in the relationship - I am taking this as punishment really. But I am trying to be a better person and learn something from this. T
Zahara Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Zahara - Yes in my mind his feelings are more important than my own right now. Why - because I love him so much and don't love myself much at this moment in time. When you are dumped it is hard to feel so great about yourself. Also I am beating myself up about things I done in the relationship - I am taking this as punishment really. But I am trying to be a better person and learn something from this. T Yes, I understand as I have read your past threads. The thing is if you don't use this as a stepping stone to start working on your self-esteem, but still feed into your insecurities, then you're going to keep repeating the pattern. I understand it is hard to feel great about yourself after a break-up but that shouldn't stop you from taking steps to protect yourself. 1
Author Tally123 Posted May 30, 2014 Author Posted May 30, 2014 I think I have wanted validation from him that the break up wasn't all my fault. He said it wasn't, but I am not sure I believe him. That is the hardest thing to deal with. Him not wanting to be with me is hard - but him not wanting to me with me because of my own actions/emotion is even harder. He said the good times were amazing - I don't know anymore. Sometimes I wish he was a horrible person who cheated on me, then I could maybe move on a bit easier. agggh one of those days I think T
Zahara Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I think I have wanted validation from him that the break up wasn't all my fault. He said it wasn't, but I am not sure I believe him. That is the hardest thing to deal with. Him not wanting to be with me is hard - but him not wanting to me with me because of my own actions/emotion is even harder. He said the good times were amazing - I don't know anymore.Sometimes I wish he was a horrible person who cheated on me, then I could maybe move on a bit easier. agggh one of those days I think T It's normal to feel that way. No matter what transpired, even if you behaved perfectly, after a break-up, one is always going to turn around and beat themselves up. When my ex cheated, I was the one sitting there and beating myself up over the what ifs. The only thing you can do is try to stop replaying the regret over and over in your head because it's futile. Maybe this was what you needed to force you to take steps to better yourself for future relationships. Personally, the pain of betrayal is something you never want to go through nor wish on your worst enemy.
d0nnivain Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 You aren't going to get validation from him. Sorry. Focus on the new good things happening in your life. That more than a lot of other things will help you heal. Not sharing good news with somebody who was your confidant for so long is a tough change to get used to but you must. Grab your best friends & go celebrate yourself.
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