- Affair or FWB I don't know what to it is!!!

[Rav0303]

Ok so I need so advice!

 

I am 30 and in a relationship with my boyfriend of 10 years, BUT and it's a big but! 6 months ago I got back in contact with an old friend from senior school, who is settled with a girlfriend. We have always been in contact on and off and he's always made it quite obvious that he has a little thing for me but I've never acted upon that until recent.

 

So to cut a long story short, we met up and one thing led to another! Since our first meeting 6 months ago, we have talked regularly and seen each other a few times. He blows hot and cold constantly and I don't have a clue what he wants, why he is seeing me and where this is going!! When I'm with him it's great but he picks me up and drops me when it suits him! And can't live 2 lives anymore, it's not fair! I have tried on a few occasions to stop seeing him and have told him but then all of a sudden he blows hot and I'm back to square one! I really want to end this relationship because I know it's wrong but I just can't help but be drawn in by him.

 

What I am doing is wrong and I know that!

What shall I do?!? How do I end this?

 

Thanks you

[harrybrown]

Do the 180 with him. stop all contact with him.

 

He still has a gf?

 

He just likes the physical and wants variety.

 

How would you feel if your bf did this to you? would you be upset? why do you want to be with this guy that is cheating on his gf? If you get him, he will cheat on you.

 

The best way to resolve this is to share the relationship with his gf and your bf.

 

Then if you want the guy that will cheat on you, maybe he will breakup with his gf and you will break up with your bf. then he will cheat on you.

 

this does not lead to happiness, but keeping big secrets in a relationship will be extremely toxic to that relationship.

 

If you decide you want your bf, then stop all contact with the cheater dude. Tell his gf about your relationship. And your "new friend" is a player. You will not find happiness with him.

 

by the way, your new "friend" has already bragged to his buddies about his cheating on the side.

 

Better to tell now before your soon to be former 10 year bf finds out.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

You're a side chick, plain as day. He's not "blowing hot and cold", he's showing you that he has no real interest in you beyond the physical aspects of your relationship. Basically, in my mind, the two of you are cheating but not having a full on affair. If he waned you for something aside from the easy sex, he'd be breaking his neck to prove it do you.

 

MM who love or even really care for their OWs do subject them to this.

[Rav0303]

Thank you so much, What you have both said is making me feel

Much stronger about the situation. I will not tolerate being a bit on the side! What a mug I have been.

[twosadthings]

What a mug you've made out of your boyfriend.

 

Just sayin',

 

Twosadthings

[Rav0303]

I know and I feel physically sick because of what I have done which Is why I am on here not asking for advice about the relationship but asking advice about how to end this.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I know and I feel physically sick because of what I have done which Is why I am on here not asking for advice about the relationship but asking advice about how to end this.

 

What do you mean "how"? There's no special tricks or sorcery required here, you just do it. Call him up or meet him somewhere and end it. Swallow your fear and put a stop to this. There is literally nothing stopping but your own cowardice. Be brief, blunt and succinct. Given his behavior towards you, he won't put up much of a fight anyway.

[Rav0303]

Yes and that is exactly what I am going to do and i need to accept that in the process by doing so I will loose a friend because like I mentioned before we were friends who stayed in contact but my BF is my priority not this friendship! Thank you so much everyone.

[BetrayedH]

I agree that you sound like a very convenient side piece for him. He lies to his GF; it's no surprise that he lies to you so he can string you along. He doesn't want you clingy (so he goes cold) but he wants to keep you on the line (so he goes hot when he has to - or when he wants some action soon). It's a very old story. Sorry. Sometimes men are into the emotional part but not anywhere as often as women. Guys like the hot sex and then like returning to their stable girl at home.

 

As for breaking it off for good - be specific. Tell him that you're going to work on your relationship with your BF and you want him to respect your wishes by having NC (no contact) with him. That means none, period. No emails, texts, "stopping by" or sending carrier pigeons. Delete his contact information. If he persists, change phone numbers and block him. If he continues to persist, threaten to expose him to his GF (and yep, you run the risk of it being exposed to your BF, too). If he persists, then actually tell his GF. It's time for the games to stop and he needs to know you're not kidding. That's how actually breaking an affair off works. Most people try some other softer method and just keep going back and forth; they end up continuing the betrayal and losing whatever integrity they had left - until they get caught. Is that how you want this to end, wondering how the hell you ever became this person? Or do you want to get it under control right now?

[Rav0303]

Thank you BetrayedH

 

Since writing this post I have contacted him and told him that enough is enough. He seemed angry (I guess that's rejection) but as someone previously said He won't put up a fight and you are right, he didn't! Going forward, I will stick to NC and will work out what led me to do such an awful thing (Please note, I have never done this before and certainly won't be getting myself in situations like this again)

Thanks every one!

Ps. Even the negative comments have helped with situation!

[Rav0303]

Sometimes you need help and advice from people who are not caught up in the situation, from an outsiders point of view. We all make mistake in life and this is a mistake I will be learning from that's for sure.

[BetrayedH]

Sounds good.

 

A LOT of OW (other women) have a seriously difficult time maintaining NC. That's a consistent theme you'll see here. They struggle mightily with questions like, "Did he ever really love me?" or thoughts like, "Maybe we should talk one last time for closure." It's like it's in the handbook or something. So keep that in mind and stay diligent. That relationship is toxic to you, to the relationship you have with your BF, and to this guy's relationship with his GF. Be very wary of any excuse you might come up with to justify contact. Hell, even breaking NC to tell him to stop or to threaten exposure to his GF is something you should consider strongly before doing it. Silence speaks volumes.

 

Otherwise, I can't help but ask what you'll do about your BF. If he's going to invest more days, weeks, months, or years with you, maybe he deserves to make an informed decision about doing it. And coming clean might be a great way to really put that kind of inappropriate behavior behind you for good. What's your plan?

[Rav0303]

Thank you for your post.

 

I really don't know what to do I want to come clean and tell my BF everything because honesty is the best policy but then other advice I've recived is "Don't off load your guilt by telling him, it was your doing so learn to live with the guilt"

 

any suggestions, from experience?

[Poppygoodwill]

Thank you for your post.

 

I really don't know what to do I want to come clean and tell my BF everything because honesty is the best policy but then other advice I've recived is "Don't off load your guilt by telling him, it was your doing so learn to live with the guilt"

 

any suggestions, from experience?

 

This is always a tricky question. I don't condone dishonestly, but I do believe the only one you'll make feel better with your confession, is yourself. Temporarily. Then he'll dump you - or worse, he won't dump you, but he'll never really trust you again - and you'll go on together in a terrible half-life of a relationship.

 

If you really intend never to do it again, and you love him, then keep it to yourself. Let it be your cross to bear.

 

If you think, in your heart of hearts, that this affair was actually a sign to yourself that you want out of the relationship, then go ahead and tell him. It'll blast a big hole in it and you can run out the side.

[Rav0303]

Poppygoodwill thank you so much. Your post makes sense.

I want to give my all to my current relationship with my BF! I never want to be in the position again and going forward I want to remain true to my BF. I've made such a silly mistake :-( and regret it deeply

[BetrayedH]

Thank you for your post.

 

I really don't know what to do I want to come clean and tell my BF everything because honesty is the best policy but then other advice I've recived is "Don't off load your guilt by telling him, it was your doing so learn to live with the guilt"

 

any suggestions, from experience?

 

There are arguments for both sides. I come down on the side of being honest, open, transparent, and rebuilding trust. I just don't think it's good for you to continue perpetuating the lie; I'd much rather see you make a real break from this kind of behavior (and lies, even of omission, really are the fundamental part of all that). It also sucks to really just trick your BF into staying with you when he should be able to make an informed choice. I also think that there's a compelling argument that you limit the true potential for intimacy in the relationship when you harbor such a huge lie. You'd never really be on the same page. And there's always the chance that it is discovered later and it's hard to explain how much more damaging a discovery is compared to a voluntary disclosure.

 

A voluntary confession does A LOT to show true remorse. In a marriage , it literally doubles the chance of a reconciliation compared to a discovery.

 

You made a mistake. Own it and your self-esteem and self-pride will return. If you don't, you may have to take this secret to the grave with you (especially if you eventually decide to marry this man). Is that the kind of marriage you would want? Even if you want to carry this burden on yourself, do you really deserve for this to be a life sentence? Heck, if your BF loves you enough that he'd eventually want to marry you, I doubt even he would want you to carry that kind of burden forever.

 

I's rather see you accept your consequences, learn from this experience, and put it behind you.

[lovinDKT3]

I'm not comfortable telling anyone to tell or not. In my situation I've learned for me it would have been better to confess then having him put it together and figure it out. Being open and honest would have given us a better foundation to move forward.

 

Good luck

[HermioneG]

I think in general, everyone deserves the truth of their own life, so I would come down on the side of disclosure.

 

As a disclaimer, I am a betrayed, but the honesty in the end and self examination done by my spouse allowed our relationship to continue.

 

But only you know the exactly dynamics of your situation. You will have to do what works for you, but don't make a decision out of fear. Make it from strength.

 

Good luck to you.

[Awake]

I would say that if your husband has been suspicious about you having an affair, then you need to confess. If you really want to stop and don't think that you can, then tell him.

 

Otherwise just keep it to yourself, if he's happy, and you know that you want to stay with him, it will only cause even more pain to confess to him at this point.

[beach]

One thing doesn't lead to another unless you are ALLOWING too much to happen.

 

YOU can change that.

 

Don't "allow" one thing to lead to another.

 

Work on a healthy boundary.

[jwi71]

What shall I do?!? How do I end this?

 

Wrong questions to ask - because, frankly, they will NOT solve the problem.

 

The question is - WHY did you cheat on your boyfriend and, given you "know this is wrong", violate your own moral boundary?

 

What in you, for MONTHS, said "Hey, this is ok"

 

Once you can elaborate on those you will be on a FAR better path to a "solution" - it'll be obvious whatever "it" is.

[jwi71]

This is always a tricky question. I don't condone dishonestly, but I do believe the only one you'll make feel better with your confession, is yourself. Temporarily. Then he'll dump you - or worse, he won't dump you, but he'll never really trust you again - and you'll go on together in a terrible half-life of a relationship.

 

If you really intend never to do it again, and you love him, then keep it to yourself. Let it be your cross to bear.

Problem is she "never really intended it happen at all".

This is no way inoculates her from another affair. While it is impossible to fully do so - one can take prudent steps, namely introspection, as to the why's and what's brought one to this course of action.

 

If you think, in your heart of hearts, that this affair was actually a sign to yourself that you want out of the relationship, then go ahead and tell him. It'll blast a big hole in it and you can run out the side.

This is the epitome of cowardice.

 

I happen to think this is backwards in the sense of if you stay you tell and if you leave you don't. Why would one tell then leave? Just to twist the knife? To REALLY hurt your BF as you walk out the door? What do you say? "I'm leaving and I f_cked Joe Blow last week. He was great. Bye"

 

An A doesn't kill the R - its the lies and deceit that kills it.

 

Its not just YOUR life here - its his too. And his family's - and yours.

 

If you want out - tell him why you are leaving (see my post above), omit the A and leave. Then some IC and move on - you'll find happiness again.

 

If you decide to stay - then IC for you, MC for you and BF and you confess. Please note, staying and IC and MC and confessing - guarantees NOTHING. Your BF may walk out the door and honestly, who would blame him. Or maybe he stays.

 

No matter what - there is pain for your BF - you leave or you confess and stay. If choose to stay and not confess - then the pain is for YOU alone (BF just suffers a bit - your emotions affect him). To suffer in silence in some misguided attempt at self-sacrifice or nobility. DON'T lead a life of silent pain for this. Its your only shot at life so please don;t spend like that.

 

Your life, your choice, your consequence.

[Popsicle]

OP, ignore all the BS's who come in this section dispensing their negative (and often untrue) advice and energy. Your guy is confused. He is involved with and has feelings for two women and you do too. It is not an easy thing.

[lovinDKT3]

OP, ignore all the BS's who come in this section dispensing their negative (and often untrue) advice and energy. Your guy is confused. He is involved with and has feelings for two women and you do too. It is not an easy thing.

 

The problem isn't having feelings for two people, its getting to that point. You don't walk up to someone and instantly fall in love. You have to make decisions that open you up to fall in love. That is the issue.

 

BTW I too was a WW, getting to the point where you truely understand how you allowed yourself to become involved on that level is the cure. Once you do that its easier to not allow yourself to think along those lines.

 

Its not fair to tell someone to discount what others are saying, as a wayward in the early stages of ending the A when I still craved the OM I hated hearing the kinds of things I'm now tell others. In part because it made me feel like crap, but more importantly I knew they were right, I simply wasn't ready to hear it. My A didn't just happen, I didn't go in thru any back door. I walked in thru the front door. It was hard to admit that, its much easier to blame the M, the H or anything else that didn't force me to blame myself.

[still_an_Angel]

You either own this up totally or bury it in the deepest ocean you think you can find. A secret/betrayal like this might come back and bite you big time in the future. Once that happens you'll be at a loss how to even start damage control. You can still do something about it now and know you accepted your mistake and is willing to man up to the consequences. Best of luck.