Brokenhearted73 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Hey everyone. A bit of backstory; My ex and I were only together for 3 months, but had moved things along very quickly. He had said he loved me (said it all the time actually) and I felt the same, he told me that he had never felt anything like the love he felt for me, for anyone else ever; not even when he was married. 4 weeks ago, my violent ex (father to my child) came around one night and tried to force himself on me, put his hands round my throat and left me with a bloody nose. I called my partner in a panic and he wanted to come round but I said no as I was upset, shocked...I don't know, just didn't know what to do with myself I guess. I didn't call the police, no idea why. The next day, my then-boyfriend said me and my child could go and live with him, although he had reservations as I said it wouldn't be a good idea, that's what happened. Then his teenage daughter had to come and live with him the following week as she was having trouble at home, which we hadn't expected. I got on with his daughter, she seemed to like me and my child, but my boyfriend and I argued a lot as there wasn't enough space for us, I couldn't save money quickly enough to get a new place, so 4 weeks later we had a massive argument and he asked me to go. I asked him to let me stay the weekend and he did, in that weekend we got on well, no arguments, and we left on good terms with no drama...and him saying we were still together and would see me the following day. I moved back to my previous house at this point and he messaged me all day, saying he loved me etc. The next day - this was this Tuesday, I got a message in my spam messages folder on my phone, from my child'd father, asking to have him overnight one day this week (sent the previous week but I had only just picked up on it). I messaged my boyfriend asking what he thought, as if my child's father had him overnight, it meant I could spend time with my boyfriend alone. My boyfriend replied "ok so how did he get your new number?" (My boyfriend had bought me the phone about a month previously). I told the truth; that 2-3 weeks ago after an incident where my child's father came out of a shop near my child's school and shouted at me asking why I wouldn't let him see his child anymore, I messaged his partner and told her to let him know he was never to contact or see me or my child again as he is too violent and abusive. She must have passed the number onto my child's father. My boyfriend then said he couldn't handle it, the only reason I had to go and stay with him had been because this ex had attacked me, and that me staying with him in his house for those 4 weeks had wrecked our relationship as we just argued all the time. He was so annoyed that I had then contacted my ex after he had done all that and said I had betrayed his trust. I tried to explain that it was 2-3 weeks ago I had contacted him and even then it was HIM I contacted, but his partner and that was only to tell him to keep out of our lives for good, but he was having none of it and said we were over That evening, my boyfriend came over to drop off some of my stuff and I asked him to get out of the car, which he did. We held each other, hugged really tightly (him more tightly than me) and kissed a tiny bit,meh said he still loved me but couldn't be with me because of that incident with my ex and cried, then held my hand through the car window as he drive off slowly Wednesday and yesterday...I went a bit crazy He kept telling me he needed space and wouldn't come and see me those days, but I kept asking him to just come and talk. Weds he said he did still love me but couldn't ever consider trying again as he couldn't trust me and would be worried I would have to stay with him again if I couldn't find another place to live, I was trying to reassure him that wouldn't happen and I ended up messaging him on Facebook alllll day and phoning him a few times. I had some of his stuff so I got a taxi to his place, dropped it off on his doorstep and left, but he saw me and said he was scared and even told his daughter to block me from Facebook as it was "just too weird". The same happened yesterday with the messaging and by this point he was pleading for me to leave him alone. I didn't...couldn't...i felt like I just needed him to talk to me, I guess so I could try and win him round if I am honest. Then yesterday evening I got a babysitter and went to his house, knocked the door and he came out. He had a friend in there with him as well as his daughter. I asked him for two minutes and he agreed, then suddenly said he couldn't, I kind of grabbed his sleeve lightly to ask him not to leave yet and he went crazy, pulling away and saying "leave me alone you crazy cow!". I was trying to calm him down so tried to grab his arm...again, lightly, and this made him worse. Then for some stupid reason - desperation I think - I grabbed his keys from his hand. I wasn't going to do anything with them, just use them to try and get him to listen to me which i know is insane behaviour, anyway he wrestled me to the floor and banged my head on the driveway a bit, kept trying to get the keys from me and eventually called to his friend to call the police. He then pinned me against the wall holding my coat so I couldn't move, and eventually I asked whether if I gave him the keys, would he promise to give me two minutes to talk. He agreed. His friend didn't call the police, but by this time a woman had come over who said she was an off duty police officer, tried to take my name and date of birth and then started hanging around trying to convince him not to talk to me. He says he didn't know her. Anyway. There was about half an hour of me pleading to talk, him giving me a couple of minutes but pacing around while I spoke, I was basically saying I loved him and wanted another chance after he had had some space, he looked at me like I was crazy and then went inside saying no chance. I had booked a taxi which hadn't turned up, so as he had asked for the phone back earlier on, I started deleting photos and things and then went to his door to leave the phone. He doesn't have a letter box so I started to text him to say where the phone was when he opened the door, came outside and then shouted at me that I was crazy for hanging around his door in the dark! I tried to explain I was leaving the phone, he went inside so I threw the phone up the driveway, it smashed and then I posted it through the letter box. Hadn't intended it to shatter His friend came outside at one point and I asked what was going on. His friend said my boyfriend had said that he had had feelings for me, but it's over and it's a shame it didn't work out. He said he's known my boyfriend for over 20 years and that he is a nice guy but very strong minded once he decides something is over and that I've scared him so badly, he doesn't think i will ever get another chance. My taxi eventually turned up but in the meantime, so did the police. They spoke to us both and decided not to take things any further, then dropped me home. So. I messed up big time. That person...that desperate, psycho, crazy person isn't me. It was driven through sheer desperation to get him to talk to me. I realise I should've left it and given him a chance to calm down...and I wish I had never even mentioned that text to him as we would still be together. I am having trouble with that fact, plus the fact that on Wednesday he said he still loved me. How can love disappear so fast? What do you guys think? I'm going to give him space but how soon should I contact him and how? Do you think there is any chance for a reconciliation in the future, seeing as he told me he had felt more for me than he ever had for anyone in the past and that he knew we were meant to be together forever? I remember just before I moved in with him that he said we would argue and probably split up, but always get back together as we were meant to be. And in fact, a few days before he finished with me, while I was still living with him, we had an argument in which we split up but got back together by the end of the day and afterwards, he said he would tell his daughter we were back together and would never split up. I said "never?" And he replied "I can't see it, can you?". Doesn't that mean anything?
d0nnivain Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 He is making decisions about you with his head, not his heart That is what is in his daughter's best interests. At this point, IMO, you're not in a good head space for dating. You have to straighten out the drama with your violent EX. What were you thinking when you messaged his new GF? Why on earth do you even have contact info for her? Did you not realize that she would give him your new Number? By allowing him that info you negated your BF's generosity in getting you a new phone. The whole drama of smashing the phone did not help you to show that you were grateful to him. You need to focus on you and your child. What is in your child's best interest? You need to be doing things to make money to move & be safe from your EX, possibly to pay a lawyer to set up custody; they can require that the exchanges take place at a supervised location like a police station parking lot to cut down on the drama & danger. For now you have left a very bad impression on this man. IME, whenever the police have to get involved there is no hope for a future reconciliation. There's just too much water under the bridge at that point. 1
KaliLove Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 (edited) It would have ended at some point with or without that text. You have a child with your ex..you would have eventually had to speak to him..your recent ex obviously couldn't deal with that. Better that it happened at 3 months than at 3 years. You really need to sort yourself out before you start dating again. Why do you gravitate towards violent and abusive men (it's not ok that the recent ex smashed your head against the ground, regardless of what you were doing with his keys..you don't eff with someone's head)? What are you doing to remedy that? You also need to learn to control your impulses..your behavior towards this man was appalling and crazy (but you know that already). But the real question is..why do you allow your child to spend time alone with your extremely violent ex? Why have you not called the police on him and changed the custody agreement? Edited May 30, 2014 by KaliLove 1
snappytomcat Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 what a mess,sounds like you have low self esteem issues,and for the life of me I cannot understand why you didn't call the cops when your ex tried to force himself on you and gave you a bloody nose,also calling the cops would have worked in your favor for full custody of your child. and this new man doesn't seem like a prize either hitting your head on concrete,he should have just went back inside,and called the cops on you. I think you should work on yourself,and take care of your child,and keep him away from violence,before you start dating again. take care,and good luck
jbelle6 Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 I think you would have broken up shortly even without that whole fiasco at the end. You couldn't even live 4 weeks together. Everyone thinks their new love is the love of their life when they are in the honeymoon phase of the relationship so don't put too much stock into that. Now think of it this way. Would you want to have a partner with an unstable ex living with you when you have your own child living there? I wouldn't stay with a man who has a crazy ex because my son comes first. I would be peeved at you for texting your ex's partner too. I'd almost question if the ex was all that crazy if you think it's ok to contact them. Plus he wasted money getting you the new phone. Now, for that last nightmare. Let's look at it another way, imagine if your sexes were reversed and a man behaved as you did? I would be F-ING terrified!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I so disagree with poster above who called this man abusive. If a lunatic took my keys out of my hand, with my house key on it and my son was inside, I would do ANYTHING to get them back and if there was a scuffle and the person bumped their head a little, then too bad, don't act threatening on my property. I am not trying to be harsh, I am just trying to get you to see the severity of what you have done. I'm sure you aren't a bad person but I think you need to just move on and focus on your son. Going this crazy over a 3 month relationship is not normal. Leave the man alone, you owe him that now, especially after he tried to help you with the phone and letting you stay with him.
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