xxoo Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 People are entitled to their privacy and secrets. I'd give him TONS of privacy. Complete privacy, in fact, because I'd dump him A relationship with evasive answers to "what are you doing all these Saturdays?" Is just not worth my time. Who needs that drama? 9
FitChick Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 He may be doing nothing shady but he's either cruel or clueless when you are clearly in distress over this situation. A caring man would rush to put your mind at ease. His current girlfriend is probably leaving town in three weeks, then he will be free. 5
starrynightz45 Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 UPDATE: So I asked him very casually what was that personal stuff he needed to do Saturday. He replied laughing 'it's personal'. I said he sounded very shady like he was hiding something and he laughed again and said he didn't see how that sounded shady. I said I didn't think it was funny that he practically never gave me his Saturday nights and when I ask for details he won't answer me. He got all 'babe' on me, babe we talked about that before I told you another 3 weeks and I am going to have more time for you. I said his refusal to explain what he was doing gave me no choice but to conclude he was seeing someone else. He simply replied : 'wrong'. We ended the conversation there. Seems to me like he enjoys getting a reaction/rise out of you. This guy sounds like a total jerk. You are in now way wrong to want to know what these "personal things" are. The fact that he's insistent on sticking with "its personal" even when he knows you're concerned, should tell you something. Even someone who WAS seeing another woman would probably lie at that point, not just repeat "it's personal." Not that a lie is any better, but this guy is just insistent on continuing to push your buttons because he knows he can. He doesn't feel bad and isn't wiling to explain to make you feel better. 3
Tayla Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 Pacifying someone due to insecurities is counter productive to an adult relationship. Validate, yes, pacify, no. It sounds to me based off some of these responses that personal projections are being cast upon this particular fell'r, who may or may not be entirely forthright. Thats his perogative. The OP has to make a wise decision to entrust and accept his response at face value, digg for an answer to catch him , or silently wait for him to discuss his whereabouts later on down the road. Not sure its healthy to stick around if the mindset is underlined with misgivings, which the OP seems to have.
Author Gaeta Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 I have not heard from him since this exchange we had about his Saturday nights. That was at 3h yesterday afternoon. When we met he told me since he's been in this country every girlfriend he had cheated on him so he wants a relationship with no secrets. He was not gonna deal anymore with girlfriends not answering their phone in front of him or hiding their texts messages in front of him or turning their phone face down....but looks like I am suppose to be understanding of his personal stuff on Saturday nights! There is a difference between pacifying and being open. He could have shown a little bit of consideration and say it was personal stuff concerning A B or C. He told me once I knew everything about his personal stuff so what's the big deal about giving me an idea what this has been about. It's not a matter of being nosy, it's a matter of building trust. 4
KaliLove Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 You're absolutely right. So..you're dumping him now, right? 1
Kamila Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 Tell him you want to give him his birthday present on his birthday, no other day will do.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 This dude is being shady as f-k. It doesn't even matter if he is seeing someone else. To me, transparency is everything. I am prepared to be transparent and so should he. If he feels differently, then we are not compatible. 5
Author Gaeta Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 Thank you all for your time and good advice. I am single again. 16
jbelle6 Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Thank you all for your time and good advice. I am single again. Are you OK Gaeta? I'm so sorry. 2
Author Gaeta Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 Are you OK Gaeta? I'm so sorry. Yes I am doing ok thank you. I don't feel anything, I am not sad or mad. My mind went back to mourning previous boyfriend, which is something I did not give myself time to do. He broke up with me and I started dating this current guy 1 week later. Crazy, but I just did not want to deal with losing him. I numbed it with being with another man. 1
jbelle6 Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I just noticed we are neighbors! I'm in Ottawa. Lived in Quebec quite a bit too. Maybe this is all a blessing so you can sort out your feelings from the previous man? I think so. Get peace with it then you can meet someone great that deserves you!
carhill Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 OP, thanks for the update and my sympathies. Join our members in the Breaking up and/or Coping forums and I'm sure you'll receive some wonderful support. It'll work out 2
Kamila Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Thank you all for your time and good advice. I am single again. He didn't try to save the relationship then ?
Iguanna Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 3 months? This man is not obligated to report his whereabouts or plans to you. He could be seeing his mom. He could be seeing a friend he hasn't seen for a while. He could want to sit at home doing absolutely nothing. But don't automatically jump to negative thoughts. Be secure in your relationship. eemwbr that to demand he explain his every section is controlling. Somehow I knew this would be your reply to this. But guess what. A relationship's big part is control. You have to inform your partner about what you are planning to do or doing cause you respect their free time as well as yours. Every coin has two sides; you can choose to translate it as "you are controlling my every move, you are not my mom!" or "i respect your time and I am willing to inform you about my plans and it's ok". It doesn't have to do with security or insecurity when you want to know what your partner is planning to do. That's the nice part of the relationship, planning your life together. If this frustrates you or makes you feel repressed, then you are not willing or ready to have a relationship as most people see it. @ Gaeta: Your bf is giving you all the signs of a guy who wants to have the benefits of a relationship but not have the obligations or make the efforts for one. 3 months is a pretty long time so in your shoes I'd assume my bf would spend his birthday with me without me even asking. Even if he had to be in a family dinner or something, I'd expect us to go out after this would be over. You are a smart girl and you realize yourself that something goes wrong. I know that you know that things will never go better rather than worse cause of the rule that people show their best selves at the beginning of dating, only to deteriorate slowly by time. Why are you still with him? What do you expect to happen? Remember that we always get only what we ask for. If we ask for nothing, we'll get nothing. Simple.
Author Gaeta Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 He didn't try to save the relationship then ? He acted like he did not understand why this was an issue for me. I reminded him his wish for a relationship with no secrecy and he kept insisting I know all his personal stuff he has no secrets. I pointed again the Saturday nights and he went 'that again'. He did not want to recognize it looks shady, it's bad communication, it's inconsiderate for my feelings, nothing.
Author Gaeta Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 Why are you still with him? What do you expect to happen?. Post 109, I ended it yesterday. 2
xxoo Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Congrats on standing up for yourself. He was being slim shady for sure. 3
DArtagnan2 Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I know you ended it, and are probably better off with that. But I can't help to wonder what ends in 3 weeks where he will be able to spend saturdays with you after that. I thought I posted to this thread earlier, but probably got exhausted reading the back and forth between some members when someone had a different view of things. Like I, have a different view. Shady may be the right word, but I wouldn't say he was seeing a female. Given he has always been cheated on, and everything else, more times then not, someone who was cheated on will not cheat on someone else. Especially when they are so effected by the instances, which appears he was enough to make it known to future potentials of his fears and restrictions about it. So while I think it may be shady, its more likely to be something illegal, then to be another woman. just sayin'
Author Gaeta Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 I know you ended it, and are probably better off with that. But I can't help to wonder what ends in 3 weeks where he will be able to spend saturdays with you after that. I thought I posted to this thread earlier, but probably got exhausted reading the back and forth between some members when someone had a different view of things. Like I, have a different view. Shady may be the right word, but I wouldn't say he was seeing a female. Given he has always been cheated on, and everything else, more times then not, someone who was cheated on will not cheat on someone else. Especially when they are so effected by the instances, which appears he was enough to make it known to future potentials of his fears and restrictions about it. So while I think it may be shady, its more likely to be something illegal, then to be another woman. just sayin' It's also not about him maybe seeing someone else. It's about the secrecy and the unwillingness to see my discomfort in it. He could have come half way and said he had picked up an odd job for a few weeks to take care of some bills or it's private but about ABC. My theory is: he doesn't want to lie but he also do not want to tell me what he's doing so he took the route of 'I don't want to tell you'. Technically he is not lying so cannot be accuse of it. Also, I know a lot about his personal things, I did not panic with any of it and kept my cool, why not tell me about this particular Saturday night issue? He told me about considering an arrange marriage to stay in the country, and he told me knowing and fearing I would walk out on him so what the heck is going on that could be worse than that? So is it fair to assume what ever is going on on those Saturday nights is bigger and worse than everything I have heard so far? 1
DArtagnan2 Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 It's also not about him maybe seeing someone else. It's about the secrecy and the unwillingness to see my discomfort in it. He could have come half way and said he had picked up an odd job for a few weeks to take care of some bills or it's private but about ABC. My theory is: he doesn't want to lie but he also do not want to tell me what he's doing so he took the route of 'I don't want to tell you'. Technically he is not lying so cannot be accuse of it. Also, I know a lot about his personal things, I did not panic with any of it and kept my cool, why not tell me about this particular Saturday night issue? He told me about considering an arrange marriage to stay in the country, and he told me knowing and fearing I would walk out on him so what the heck is going on that could be worse than that? So is it fair to assume what ever is going on on those Saturday nights is bigger and worse than everything I have heard so far? I understand what you are saying about it being about secrecy vs what it actually is. I guess my response was more so based on what a lot of other people were saying it was about. I agree with you. For him to not give anything to make you feel more comfortable with the relationship was his short coming. Even if he didn't want to or couldn't fully disclose what's up, he could have said something. I totally forgot about the arranged marriage thing that came up a few weeks ago. Which, since it something you don't approve of, could be a very valid thing that is still about to happen or has.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I think you did the right thing, and I think you can do better. 8
mammasita Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 You did the right thing Gaeta. You deserve better than what this guy had to offer you and IMO you should also expect better. Nonchalant and laid back is fine, that's how I am, but don't ever be afraid to speak up when it comes to your relationships with men.
Author Gaeta Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 Sunday morning he called me and wanted to talk. He said the previous day when I spoke to him tension was too high and he felt on the defensive. When he feels a fight coming on he shuts down. We addressed the Saturday nights issue in every details. I said everything that was on my mind and he gave me his view on things. He told me what he did Saturday, he said he did not know it was a night THAT important to me, to him it makes no difference between Friday or Saturday or any other night but obviously it is important to me so he will change things around. He wanted to spend Sunday together but I had planned a day with my daughter. After dinner I stopped at his place, we talked some more, I gave him his birthday present. He told me he is not just killing time with me, I mean a lot to him, if sometimes he appears 'not so into me' it's not it, I perceive it that way but it has nothing to do with me. His mind is preoccupied by other things but soon it will be better of and I will see him all the time. I forget too often some of the things he is dealing with. Among other things when we met 3 months ago his sister had just died. I cannot imagine losing one of my brothers. My ex-husband suddenly died 9 months ago and I still occasional cry I can't imagine losing a sibling. I felt he was sincere.
MidwestUSA Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 So did you find out exactly what was due to change in three weeks regarding his Saturday nights? He must have known they meant SOMETHING to you, if he made that point about three more weeks.
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