My boyfriend has 'personal stuff' to do

[FitChick]

This has always sounded like a FWB arrangement to me. No sparks or passion. Just convenience for both. Gaeta doesn't strike me as someone who would make it very obvious by word and deed that she is crazy about a guy, so he thinks she is lukewarm which makes him keep his options and eyes open. Not technically cheating yet but when he finds a woman who is more affectionate and expressive about her feelings for him, he will bail. Men can be just as insecure.

[starrynightz45]

I can't stand the posts along the lines of "after 3 months he's not obligated to report his whereabouts to you." Because, yes, he actually sort of is, at least beyond the point of "I have personal stuff to do."

 

Does it have to be a 10 yr long relationship before there are SOME expectations of him sharing his daily activities with you? Not at all. At 3 months, he should have no issue telling you WHY he can't see you on that Saturday, especially since it's his birthday. If it's innocent, the "personal stuff" bit really isn't necessary.

 

Also, I don't think it matters that you didn't ask early enough. It should kind of be a no-brainer that you'd spend his birthday together. It's not like you've been dating for 2 weeks. To me this sounds fishy.

[jbelle6]

I can't stand the posts along the lines of "after 3 months he's not obligated to report his whereabouts to you." Because, yes, he actually sort of is, at least beyond the point of "I have personal stuff to do."

 

Does it have to be a 10 yr long relationship before there are SOME expectations of him sharing his daily activities with you? Not at all. At 3 months, he should have no issue telling you WHY he can't see you on that Saturday, especially since it's his birthday. If it's innocent, the "personal stuff" bit really isn't necessary.

 

Also, I don't think it matters that you didn't ask early enough. It should kind of be a no-brainer that you'd spend his birthday together. It's not like you've been dating for 2 weeks. To me this sounds fishy.

 

 

I agree it's fishy. But it's not the timeline that makes me think he's not going to report to her. It's that they do not seem to have much of an exclusive relationship. I don't know if they've had that talk or not, I would not just assume if I were in that position.

 

Yes, if me and a guy have a talk about being exclusive then I would find all of this shady as heck. I asked if they had a talk about it for that very reason but did not see a reply unless I missed it.

 

If they had no talk, and they haven't introduced to friends and family, then no, he does not need to report to anyone.

[Leigh 87]

Maybe because that Saturday he wanted to stay home chilling and doing his laundry I made him feel bad about it? The following day I saw him and first thing I said was: 'I told everybody I know you picked your laundry over me'. I said it with a wink but ...

 

 

 

It just sounds like there are no sparks or passion, as the poster fit chick says.

 

Trust me, it isn't a good sign when a guy doesn't want to spend his birthday with his gf of 3 months and he prefers to chill at home doing his laundry on a Saturday.

 

I know you don't require a guy to be that I to you or crazy about you.

 

The personal issues business alone wouldn't be all that bad. It's the fact he didn't want to spend his birthday with his gf and he then didn't wan to see you the next day due to personal business.....

 

If you had opted to wait to date a man who was rreally into you. .. he would naturally divulge his plans, there would be no "I'm just taking care of personal issues"

 

Especially in light of his visa issues and hus suggestion of arranginga fraudulent marriage in order to secure his visa status. ... his personal issues remark would have set of alarm bells for me...

[FitChick]

It's that they do not seem to have much of an exclusive relationship. I don't know if they've had that talk or not, I would not just assume if I were in that position.

 

Yes, if me and a guy have a talk about being exclusive then I would find all of this shady as heck.

 

She said they had the talk more than once. So this is shady!

[carhill]

OP, this gets even more confusing for me, when reading this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/470575-my-mind-numb-after-boyfriend-s-confession#post5629425

 

Specifically:

 

"Second clarification: we have been dating for 1 month but we've known each other for 2 years. He's not a complete stranger to me. We briefly dated a couple of years ago but it did not get off the ground for some mysterious reasons.

 

I call him my bf and he calls me his gf because we had the exclusivity talk. We're picking up where we left things off last time. We both feel no need to beat around the bush, we like each other so lets date exclusively and see."

 

OK, you've known each other for two years, dated in the past and now date exclusively and call each other BF and GF and still haven't met each other's friends and/or families, even casually, at all?

 

The rest of that thread gives me pause. I'll just leave it at that. I really don't have any cogent advice. Sorry.

[jbelle6]

It just sounds like there are no sparks or passion, as the poster fit chick says.

 

Trust me, it isn't a good sign when a guy doesn't want to spend his birthday with his gf of 3 months and he prefers to chill at home doing his laundry on a Saturday.

 

I know you don't require a guy to be that I to you or crazy about you.

 

The personal issues business alone wouldn't be all that bad. It's the fact he didn't want to spend his birthday with his gf and he then didn't wan to see you the next day due to personal business.....

 

If you had opted to wait to date a man who was rreally into you. .. he would naturally divulge his plans, there would be no "I'm just taking care of personal issues"

 

Especially in light of his visa issues and hus suggestion of arranginga fraudulent marriage in order to secure his visa status. ... his personal issues remark would have set of alarm bells for me...

 

 

So true, if he were into it I know what he would feel like doing on a Saturday and that is not laundry.

[jbelle6]

She said they had the talk more than once. So this is shady!

 

I'm reading the previous threads now. Shady as heck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yikes OP. This isn't a good man.

[Els]

Sure, ask!!

 

This is the third (?) thread you've made about a similar topic (whether or not you should ask the guy some perfectly normal stuff), right? C'mon, stop second guessing yourself. If you want to know something then you should just ask! This is your boyfriend, not your boss. You don't have to hide beneath a polite facade...

[starrynightz45]

Just wanted to add - I'd ask IMMEDIATELY. There is literally not a single thing wrong with you asking. That vague response is not an accident.

[Leigh 87]

Gaeta, my f*kbuddy spent his birthday with me. MY F*K BUDDY!!! This guy is your boyfriend and he can't even be bothered to spend time with you on his? And then hits you with "personal stuff". Even if he hadn't wanted or been able to spend time with you today the vagueness about what he's doing instead is worrisome.

 

You post history screams trouble but you keep ignoring it. What more clearer signs do you need that he's either a) not into you, b) seeing someone else or c) both? Must he hire a skywriter to fly over your house?

 

By the way, you being "exclusive now does not mean you're locked in forever. You're not married and this is not the middle ages, break it off and move on.

 

 

My fck buddy also contacted me daily and was really nice to me. I drove him to the funeral of his best friend and we were close.

 

my other fwb was crazy about me and fell in love... he moved mountains for me. He acted way more invested and interested than the ops boyfriend. He NEVER wanted to spendhis weekends without me.

 

If a guy who's in a relationship acts less into it than a fck buddy then. ... it's a little sad that I can find fck buddies that seem more into me than the ops boyfriend seems into her.

 

When a man is falling in love.... he doesn't act like the ops boyfriend is acting.

 

A man falling in love just doest act like the OPS boyfriend is acting.

 

He may grow very fond of her over time but I cannot see his actions as being indicative of him falling IN love. Growing to love her, sure. But this is NOT the relationship that involves falling IN love.....

[Lernaean_Hydra]

My fck buddy also contacted me daily and was really nice to me. I drove him to the funeral of his best friend and we were close.

 

my other fwb was crazy about me and fell in love... he moved mountains for me. He acted way more invested and interested than the ops boyfriend. He NEVER wanted to spendhis weekends without me.

 

If a guy who's in a relationship acts less into it than a fck buddy then. ... it's a little sad that I can find fck buddies that seem more into me than the ops boyfriend seems into her.

 

When a man is falling in love.... he doesn't act like the ops boyfriend is acting.

 

A man falling in love just doest act like the OPS boyfriend is acting.

 

He may grow very fond of her over time but I cannot see his actions as being indicative of him falling IN love. Growing to love her, sure. But this is NOT the relationship that involves falling IN love.....

Frankly Leigh, it doesn't even seem like he's "growing to like her".

[Leigh 87]

The OP has stated in earlier threads that he contacts her every day and doesn't just go MIA for days at a time. So he likes to contact her daily and see her every week.

If they have a great time together, then I am sure it would be easy to confuse that with being "into her". I mean, he wouldn't be investing that time in contacting her daily and spending time with her every week, if he was indifferent to her. He obviously likes her enough to want to spend time with her every week.

 

My concerns for the OP is... This latest thread outlining his latest actions just further screams out that he isn't into her, even though he does seem to like her as a person quiet a lot, enough to invest his precious time into daily with texting etc....My boyfriend asked me to his birthday just after we met because he claimed " it was in 3 weeks time and he thought I was someone he would want to be there"

 

The OP seems to not be seeking passion, chemistry and a man who is really nuts about her, because of some unfortunate incidents in her past with men who were really into her yet left out of the blue. She admitted to wishing he was crazy about her in another thread, but that she doesn't think it is realistic for her to find a man who is really into her at that level.

 

OP, he told you he was attending to "personal issues". Now, I agree that neither of you have to tell each other where you are going at all times!

 

HOWEVER.....when a man is falling in love, he tends to be totally transparent. It is one thing to go about your business and not TELL your partner about every little mundane activity... But when a man is asked, he will be transparent and forthcoming when he is falling truly in love.

 

Every man I have known would not just say : I am going about my own business, attending to personal issues: to a woman he was falling in love with. He would be open, it seems like he is hiding something based on his history with his VISA..... and the forging a marriage purely to stay in the country......Men who are falling in love just don't tend to... deny an explanation when their girlfriend ASKS them of their plans, although of course it is totally natural to not tell them their daily business if they are not outright asked... If they are not doing anything interesting why would they bother telling their girlfriend of their every plan? WHEN ASKED though, it is ODD that a man who is falling in love would say " attending to personal issues".

[xxmusical]

I was with my bf for only one month when we spent his birthday TOGETHER. It was expected that we spend the birthday together because we're a couple and it was his first birthday spent with ME. As many others have mentioned, it doesn't sound like OP's bf is really into her.

 

And to be honest, why are you still so hesitant on whether to ask him questions after being together for 3 months (and you've known him for 2 years?)? Go and ask him! And since you've known him for 2 years, why haven't the two of you met each others' friends (if not family)?

 

I agree with some other posters that if the man is truly in love with you, he would be pretty open without you ever needing to ask him what his "personal stuff" are.

[BikerAccnt]

Men don't really play games like this.... at least no man I've ever met or heard of.

 

 

Oh please. Keenly, you're trolling with this one. I'm a guy and I KNOW this not to be true.

[Gaeta]

I slept on it and I decided I will ask him today about this personal stuff.

 

He has a fear of being cheated on, it happened a few times he did not know where I was and he asked. I should expect the same transparency.

 

I would like to add a note on 'if he was in love'.....I know he is not in love and I know I am not in love. I am slow to develop that loving feeling. I was giving it time.

[Ninjainpajamas]

For the record..

 

- Just because a guy spends his B-day with you, does not mean he's serious

 

- Just because he takes you to meet family and friends....does not mean he's serious about you

 

- Just because he does whatever else you think as a woman makes a guy really INTO you....does not mean he's really into you

 

I've seen women judge for ages, what makes a man think your "special" or the "the one" and it's always really silly and immature...far and away from the lines that men think, because men do a lot of crap without even thinking while women steal these little coins of "value" and "significance" from these acts or behaviors...in which this guy does without any even self-awareness.

 

So remember to always look at the big picture, it's about communication, expression, the behavior and acts as well as the reality check in your brain that women all have the greatest ability to detect what is BS from truth but seem to forego this great inherited talent for the sake of "hope" and a fantasy/dream world.

 

The big problem here is the shadiness with Saturday and is likely reflective of his overall behavior....I don't keep up with any one persons individual posts, so I didn't know this was a same guy she has posted about before or would remember it was her, and because so everyone can likely see the pattern...I was just making a judgment off this post, but IMO there's little behaviors in men and even women that give off really big clues to where they stand and how they feel and I don't think it's rocket science more than just being aware.

 

But for some reason people need a long undeniable string of flags to finally accept that this isn't a good deal. If only they could leave at first hint, oh the time and pain they would save themselves from instead of waiting for it to punch and kick them in the face.

[xxoo]

I slept on it and I decided I will ask him today about this personal stuff.

 

He has a fear of being cheated on, it happened a few times he did not know where I was and he asked. I should expect the same transparency.

 

Good!

 

This should not be so difficult. Don't be afraid to ask questions. It's just a conversation, after all!

 

Not asking when you are wondering is making it a bigger deal when it needs to be.

 

On the other hand, sometimes people avoid asking questions because they don't want to know the answers. And sometimes because their partner will get defensive or evasive. Both of those are bad signs.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Things should be flowing nicely at this stage in a RS if you are having to question things then something isnt working as it should be x

[Keenly]

Oh please. Keenly, you're trolling with this one. I'm a guy and I KNOW this not to be true.

 

I'm serious. I've never met a guy that played games like that .

[Els]

I'm serious. I've never met a guy that played games like that .

 

How is that even relevant to the thread topic? What are you implying about it?

[Emilia]

I'm serious. I've never met a guy that played games like that .

That's because you don't date them.

[carhill]

That's because you don't date them.

That's a good point and, if not for many years of having platonic female friends, I'd be largely clueless about the realities of what men 'do'.

 

I also agree with Ninja about specific actions not being necessarily indicative of sincere interest. My main point of inquiry was to get at the 'overview' of the dynamic, seeking to look at the big picture of all the little things working in unison. By themselves, those little things are just that, little. Put together though, they paint a picture, and especially taking into consideration the backstory, so those readers who knew the backstory going in were in a far more educated place to comment than myself.

 

However, in light of the OP stating she knows the man doesn't love her and she knows she doesn't love him, this kind of dynamic is outside my boundaries of what interpersonal relationship of this type (romantic) are so I'll leave it at that and wish them well.

[Keenly]

How is that even relevant to the thread topic? What are you implying about it?

It's relevant because some one claimed he was being passive aggressive, and I really don't think that is what he is doing.

 

Why is it so bad that he didn't tell you what he is doing?

[PegNosePete]

Why is it so bad that he didn't tell you what he is doing?

He didn't simply not tell her what he is doing. He is actively hiding what he is doing. Big difference.

 

Saying he has to do "personal stuff" is just like saying "I don't want to tell you what I am doing". If you can't see what's wrong with that... well I think you need to get some more relationship experience!