My boyfriend has 'personal stuff' to do

[mammasita]

IMO, 3 months dating is ample time to just assume that you are spending your birthday with your significant other.

 

A FRIEND invited him to dinner....not a "buddy", not his friend "Jeff"......A FRIEND.

 

Red flags all over the place.

[Gaeta]

What has been his response when you have talked about meeting friends as boyfriend and girlfriend? Nothing more complex than having a mixed couples dinner party, stuff like that. Any feedback? .

 

I have never brought up meeting friends or family members. I am slow to introduce men to my friends and family. Last boyfriend I introduced him at 5 month dating.

[Gaeta]

I have to agree with most others, especially considering your posting history about this guy. Something isn't right. What does he do every Saturday night that you've spent just 3 together in the last 3 months? And why does he need another 3 weeks before you can spend more Saturday nights together?

 

He works 7 days a week till end of June. He does renovation so he's tired when he gets home and has to get to bed at a reasonable hour. He also has an online company that is suppose to be up and running any day and he spends his every free moment working the finer details or meeting with his web designer.

 

That's what I am told.

[Targetlock]

personal stuff? whats more personal than spending time with his girlfriend or family! what a strange answer to me.

[carhill]

If you had to put a number on the amount of dates in three months, what would it be?

 

As an example, though we lived 60 miles apart, my exW and I essentially dated weekly, at minimum, during the entire period prior to getting married and moving in together. So, in three months, we would have dated about 12 times, perhaps a bit more. In our case, by then, we were already a very public couple. Still, interaction, both amount and depth, can provide clues to why things seem so 'separate' versus 'couple', even with you calling him 'my boyfriend'.

 

Noting that you're nearly my age, and presuming him similar, it seems things would be more clear.

[Gaeta]

If you had to put a number on the amount of dates in three months, what would it be?

 

As an example, though we lived 60 miles apart, my exW and I essentially dated weekly, at minimum, during the entire period prior to getting married and moving in together. So, in three months, we would have dated about 12 times, perhaps a bit more. In our case, by then, we were already a very public couple. Still, interaction, both amount and depth, can provide clues to why things seem so 'separate' versus 'couple', even with you calling him 'my boyfriend'.

 

Noting that you're nearly my age, and presuming him similar, it seems things would be more clear.

 

We see each other 2-3 times a week, so lets say 10 times a month, around 30 total. We mostly see each other in the evening. When he comes here he gets here early like 19h and stays over night and when I go there I come back home. It's tricky to stay at his place over night with my dog and work. Because of his work load and seeing each other mostly in evening then we spend all of our time alone together, even going to a restaurant is hard to organize.

 

I am 48, he is 37 today.

 

That's another aspect of our relationship. I have already found stability, I have invested myself in my career 10 years ago when I was his age. Now I want to concentrate on living and enjoying life. He's a lot about work, making money, reaching better stability, etc.

[firmness]

This sounds to me like typical revenge behavior. Have you ever said something similar to him? If so, then this is what it feels like to be on the receiving end.

 

If not then, based on your post alone I would say that he is simply establishing boundaries.

 

 

What is more interesting and disturbing is the horrific bandwagon of "he is cheating" haters. I cannot believe I really read all of that!

 

And we wonder what the hell is wrong with relationships these days. People - accusing someone of cheating for such a simply thing is flat out WRONG.

 

WT Holy F!!??

 

America is a sick and twisted place. No wonder so many people cheat - they are guilty before they even do it! If I was repeatedly accused of cheating because I wanted to hang out with my friends I would ditch that person immediately! Unfortunately this behavior is at nearly epidemic levels, so finding a sane partner is nearly impossible.

 

I am so glad I am older and do not have to start my dating life in this mess. I really feel sorry for the younger generation - you have been hoodwinked and lied to and it is YOU who will have to pay the price - not those who spread the propaganda.

[ascendotum]

personal stuff? whats more personal than spending time with his girlfriend or family! what a strange answer to me.

 

Its not the best answer to hear, but I don't automatically assume he is cheating. Its possible but I would have thought he would come up with something a little more reassuring to his gf than 'personal stuff'. He works a lot of hours + is tired in his time off. As OP said career is his focus at the moment, and they have only spent a handful of Saturday nights together, so its like this one is out of the ordinary apart from its his b'day. IDK, some people don't like to make a fuss over their b'day, some people as they get older don't see 3 mths with a person as a serious commitment. Maybe his relationship history in his 30s has left him a little jaded & reserved in his feelings for any new woman, so he takes his time. Also when you are young its easy to get gaga over a women, but when you get older and say are very career focused its a bit different. Maybe he goes out fairly often with a mate to wind down at end of week with beers at a strip club. Maybe he just wants to chill out at end of busy week with beers watching the footy but doesn't want to say he prefers to do that to his gf, Maybe he is doing boring study stuff for work or his online business but doesn't want to sound boring to his gf. Also its possible he does have a f-buddy that he's being seeing for a few yrs, or likes to unwind at the end of the week with a few mates at a bar chatting up women. Maybe he likes Gaeta and her easygoing nature a lot but is not in love or looking for anything serious at this time.

 

I don't think its a red flag, but more of a amber one, unless the OP wants a fully committed LTR asap. The OP doesn't mind that she doesn't see him every night at the weekend and they both have their own life. That response he gave though, would get the mind wondering on most new bf/gfs though, so I get why she is wondering whats up, but LS can only guess. She should try and tease the answer out of him, rather then get confrontational.

[carhill]

Wow, that's a lot of contact to not even be including friends incidentally. Given the information shared here, this is starting to remind me of a 'companion' type setup for a busy person who doesn't want to invest the time and energy to grow a relationship or meet new people. If it works for both parties, then it does but it seems like I'm reading frustration here, rooted IMO in the emotional investment of romance juxtaposed with the relatively casual nature of the apparent interaction.

 

If I had a male acquaintance whom I hung out with a couple times a week for a few months, I'd think nothing of them going out to a BD party with their social circle, as friendships generally take months to years to solidify and they're pretty casual in the expectations department. Romance and the attendant emotions can jump convention in that regard, which is why people expect different actions and perspectives from romantic partners versus platonic friends.

 

Overall, on one level, I'd say this guy is doing a pretty good job of both giving attention and keeping things a bit on edge so it isn't too 'comfortable'.

 

This far in, I'd ask him about his 'personal stuff', considering you and he have been sharing a whole three months worth of personal stuff. No harm in asking.

[Leigh 87]

Every thread you've written about this guy is full of clear and obvious flashing neon yellow construction signs that he's not that into you. Including this one.

 

Do you really think this is the best you can do for yourself? SMH

 

 

 

He is definitely not that into her.

 

I have never met a man that was into a woman yet who opted to spend his birthday with a friend.

 

After 3 months, a man that was into you would absolutely have invited his gf along to any birthday plans.

 

I know a lot of men. Not one of them acted this way after 3 months together with a girl they were really into.

[Tayla]

I took the OP's story at face value. When a Gent tells me he has "personal Things" I leave it at that. Its the trust factor I suppose.

 

Has the BF been less then honest more times then not? What gives pause to this relationship that dosen't sit well? Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

 

If it means anything a former guyfriend of mine enjoyed his "personal plans"...he went fishing. wasnt hard to figure that out that he was telling the truth because next day, he was sunburnt, with pictures, and his freezer with fillets. I encouraged that about him. Certain events are at the discretion of the adult. maybe he isnt big on celebrations or being the center of attention, or maybe he is...point being..His exclusion of you from his personal plans seems to bring you a bit of discomfort...its understandable...

[Gaeta]

He is definitely not that into her.

 

I have never met a man that was into a woman yet who opted to spend his birthday with a friend.

 

After 3 months, a man that was into you would absolutely have invited his gf along to any birthday plans.

 

I know a lot of men. Not one of them acted this way after 3 months together with a girl they were really into.

 

I would not have agreed to go along with his friends. As I said earlier in this thread I am very slow at introducing and being introduced.

 

There is a big game on tonight, he's probably in a sport bar with a friend.

 

My concern is not tonight, it's the 'personal stuff' he needs to do Saturday. I don't know why I did not get more details and if I should press for details.

[mammasita]

I would not have agreed to go along with his friends. As I said earlier in this thread I am very slow at introducing and being introduced.

 

There is a big game on tonight, he's probably in a sport bar with a friend.

 

My concern is not tonight, it's the 'personal stuff' he needs to do Saturday. I don't know why I did not get more details and if I should press for details.

 

I don't think you should "press" for details but from your posts you always seem very hesitant to ask simple questions that IMO are very normal and acceptable between two adults in a healthy relationship during normal conversation...."so what do you have planned?"

 

There is nothing wrong with doing that. I always get the feeling that you're scared to ask and that you hold back and you shouldn't be.

[bluegreen]

Every thread you've written about this guy is full of clear and obvious flashing neon yellow construction signs that he's not that into you. Including this one.

 

Do you really think this is the best you can do for yourself? SMH

 

Thank YOU

this is same exact thing I thought right after reading first few words ...

[Leigh 87]

I would not have agreed to go along with his friends. As I said earlier in this thread I am very slow at introducing and being introduced.

 

There is a big game on tonight, he's probably in a sport bar with a friend.

 

My concern is not tonight, it's the 'personal stuff' he needs to do Saturday. I don't know why I did not get more details and if I should press for details.

 

 

 

 

Are you okay with your boyfriend not being that into you?

 

I have never met a man that was into their girlfriends yet told them they had "personal stuff" to attendt to. With no further explanation.

 

I may be younyer than you but I have met enough guys to deduce his actions to be in accordance with a very clear trend I have noticed.

 

Sure though, it's not obligatory that he has to tell you everything he does. I have just noticed that all the men I know of tend to tell their girlfriends their daily movements. They don't just say "personal stuff" .....send leave it at that.

 

I seriously think he's up to something.

 

If he wanted to just chill at home and do nothing the why couldn't he have just said that? You wold have understood. You have hardly been the demanding girlfriend.

[jbelle6]

I don't think you should press for details either. And I'm not going to jump and say he's cheating, but does he know you are exclusive, did you two talk about it?

 

I do know that I don't like if someone can't make plans with me. Go with the flow is great and all but why all the time? It makes me feel like he's waiting for the best offer out of things to do. That's crappy.

 

You are just 3 months though, if none of his friends even know about you, I would not consider it exclusive.

 

 

 

And to other posters, people are jumping on the cheating thing because it's pretty cliche behavior for it, read the cheating stories in here.

[Gaeta]

There is nothing wrong with doing that. I always get the feeling that you're scared to ask and that you hold back and you shouldn't be.

 

You're right, I know I am like that. I think it's from being single for years. I am used of doing my own things without reporting to anyone and not having anyone report to me.

[Gaeta]

If he wanted to just chill at home and do nothing the why couldn't he have just said that? You wold have understood. You have hardly been the demanding girlfriend.

 

Maybe because that Saturday he wanted to stay home chilling and doing his laundry I made him feel bad about it? The following day I saw him and first thing I said was: 'I told everybody I know you picked your laundry over me'. I said it with a wink but ...

[jbelle6]

I would be scared to grill someone after three months too. At that point I would go with my gut. I am not saying I'd dump him, but I might continue to date others, I'd be honest about it though.

[Lani]

Maybe he just wants to stay home and jerk off..

[Gaeta]

Well I am the one who brought up exclusivity and I almost regret it now.

 

We had a very clear conversation 2 months ago that we were exclusive and both interested in a long lasting relationship. I am the one who brought up the exclusivity talk. I also did some 'spot check' along the way to verify we were both on the same page, and his answers indicated we were.

 

I was making a joke to a friend today that I should not have locked myself in this exclusivity too soon, as it stands I have enough time for a second boyfriend.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Gaeta, my f*kbuddy spent his birthday with me. MY F*K BUDDY!!! This guy is your boyfriend and he can't even be bothered to spend time with you on his? And then hits you with "personal stuff". Even if he hadn't wanted or been able to spend time with you today the vagueness about what he's doing instead is worrisome.

 

You post history screams trouble but you keep ignoring it. What more clearer signs do you need that he's either a) not into you, b) seeing someone else or c) both? Must he hire a skywriter to fly over your house?

 

By the way, you being "exclusive now does not mean you're locked in forever. You're not married and this is not the middle ages, break it off and move on.

Edited May 30, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra

[jbelle6]

Maybe he just wants to stay home and jerk off..

 

 

Now that's a Saturday!

[Ruby Slippers]

Just tell him you no longer want to be exclusive and will be dating others again. Better yet, dump him and find a man who cares about you.

[jbelle6]

Just tell him you no longer want to be exclusive and will be dating others again. Better yet, dump him and find a man who cares about you.

 

This. IF you aren't meeting friends and family, he isn't spending his birthday and never wants to give you his "prime" time, yet you want to stay with him, at least see others because this just doesn't sound exclusive at all.