Gaeta Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Today is my boyfriend's birthday. He's taken tonight, a friend invited him for dinner before I did. I asked him when he would be free for me, he said Sunday. I said: Oh you got invitations for Friday and Saturday nights as well? He replied: I have some personal stuff to do Saturday night (no explanation) * * * Does this sound odd to you? Would you ask what kind of personal stuff? or you would leave it alone because he's entitled to his 'personal stuff'?
preraph Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 It sounds like he's seeing another woman to me. I hate to say it, but if you are really his girlfriend and he got invited to something, they would either know about you and invite you along or he'd tell them he was bringing you. I have had this happen before, and the guy was keeping up a tradition with his ex-wife and let her take him out because they'd done it for years. Uh. No. Plus now he's being evasive. Main thing is if he regarded you as his girlfriend, he'd want to be with you on his birthday. Don't get him anything or give him anything, and go out and have fun as much as you can and keep dating others because he's not your boyfriend now. 10
Author Gaeta Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 It sounds like he's seeing another woman to me. I hate to say it, but if you are really his girlfriend and he got invited to something, they would either know about you and invite you along or he'd tell them he was bringing you. I have had this happen before, and the guy was keeping up a tradition with his ex-wife and let her take him out because they'd done it for years. Uh. No. Plus now he's being evasive. Main thing is if he regarded you as his girlfriend, he'd want to be with you on his birthday. Don't get him anything or give him anything, and go out and have fun as much as you can and keep dating others because he's not your boyfriend now. We've been dating for 3 months. We have not introduced each other to our friends and family yet so I don't expect to be brought along. The fact he has other plans tonight is my fault, I was really last minute asking him for tonight. That being said that 'personal stuff' answer doesn't sit well with me. 2
clia Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Today is my boyfriend's birthday. He's taken tonight, a friend invited him for dinner before I did. I asked him when he would be free for me, he said Sunday. I said: Oh you got invitations for Friday and Saturday nights as well? He replied: I have some personal stuff to do Saturday night (no explanation) * * * Does this sound odd to you? Would you ask what kind of personal stuff? or you would leave it alone because he's entitled to his 'personal stuff'? Yes, this is very odd. Red flags are blazing. You've been together three months (? I think ?), you are exclusive, and he made plans with someone else on his birthday? And didn't even invite you? Hell no. I would've definitely asked "like what" when he said he had personal stuff to do, rather than to spend Saturday night with you. Honestly, I've always found it odd that he doesn't seem to spend Saturday nights with you. Have you two ever gotten together on Saturday night? Saturday night is date night. I agree that it seems like he has someone else on the side (or you are the one he has on the side). Either that or he just isn't that into the relationship.
Author Gaeta Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 Yes, this is very odd. Red flags are blazing. You've been together three months (? I think ?), you are exclusive, and he made plans with someone else on his birthday? And didn't even invite you? Hell no. I would've definitely asked "like what" when he said he had personal stuff to do, rather than to spend Saturday night with you. Honestly, I've always found it odd that he doesn't seem to spend Saturday nights with you. Have you two ever gotten together on Saturday night? Saturday night is date night. I agree that it seems like he has someone else on the side (or you are the one he has on the side). Either that or he just isn't that into the relationship. His birthday is today. When I asked what he was doing on his birthday evening he said a friend had invited him to dinner and he accepted. I am ok so far, it was my responsibility to ask him earlier. When I asked when he'd have time for me, about Friday, Saturday, this is when this 'got personal stuff Saturday' came up. In 3 months dating we maybe spent 2 or 3 Saturday night together and he spent the night. I did point to him he's always taken on Saturdays and he said it will be like that for another 3 weeks and then we will spend time together on week nights and weekends.
jphcbpa Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 perhaps he was upset that you waiting until the last minute??
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 "Personal stuff" is probably one of the worst answers you can get in a "relationship", it's deflecting of the actual question and shows his lack of transparency with you...furthermore his lack of tact, for better or worse. Granted you haven't been together long, 3 months isn't much to sneeze at...still knee deep in the butterfly stage but you're not exactly a huge part of his life yet, but he's not just busy that Friday night, it's the Saturday night, so it seems like he's waiting until the last minute to fit you into his schedule (busy guy)...so I'm guessing he's either going out with friends or has something else going on, worse case scenario being another woman likely. I wouldn't say he's taking the relationship very seriously or making this relationship a priority in any way from that comment, in my opinion. If you insist on just waving this one off, then I'd recommend to just be quiet, sit back and not make any waves, I wouldn't do the whole passive aggressive thing like you've got something on your mind thing, but don't really want to say anything so you just act like "something is wrong" on Sunday...just let him go into the usual routine come next week and "see where it goes". Otherwise say something before Sunday, call him on Saturday or ask what his plans were again on that day. Otherwise the only upside is maybe he had something planned for you to come to, but then I would have thought he'd have asked what you were doing on Saturday. 3
Zahara Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I wonder too if he was upset that his girlfriend is asking him at the last minute re: dinner on his birthday. Therefore, being passive aggresive and reacting with the prioritizing "personal stuff" as punishment to your need to now spend time with him. 2
mortensorchid Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I don't like the sound of that. If he said he has other plans he will tell you specifically what they are (I'm working, I am doing this, I am going here, etc.). When he says "personal stuff" that implies he doesn't want you to know because he clearly doesn't want you to know what it is. If it was innocent he'd say. Is it another woman? MAYBE. But whatever it is, be cautious. 1
Keenly Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 3 months? This man is not obligated to report his whereabouts or plans to you. He could be seeing his mom. He could be seeing a friend he hasn't seen for a while. He could want to sit at home doing absolutely nothing. But don't automatically jump to negative thoughts. Be secure in your relationship. eemwbr that to demand he explain his every section is controlling. 2
Keenly Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I wonder too if he was upset that his girlfriend is asking him at the last minute re: dinner on his birthday. Therefore, being passive aggresive and reacting with the prioritizing "personal stuff" as punishment to your need to now spend time with him. Men don't really play games like this.... at least no man I've ever met or heard of. 2
Author Gaeta Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 Concerning him maybe upset I did not plan something for him earlier, it's a possibility, but I doubt it. He is a very 'go with the flow' kind of guy. He never plans anything ahead. Last night he gave me a call at 18h30, asked if I was busy if he could come over. That is a perfect representation of him. After 3 months of this I subscribed to this 'go with the flow' way of doing things. At first I tried to plan things ahead but I would get: Don't know when, don't know yet, maybe, etc.
Author Gaeta Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 3 months? This man is not obligated to report his whereabouts or plans to you. He could be seeing his mom. He could be seeing a friend he hasn't seen for a while. He could want to sit at home doing absolutely nothing. But don't automatically jump to negative thoughts. Be secure in your relationship. eemwbr that to demand he explain his every section is controlling. I did not ask for him to explain this personal stuff.....yet lol Usually he tells me what he's doing and he doesn't try spare my feelings doing it. Remember my thread where he just wanted to stay home and do laundry on a Saturday night? He could have come up with anything else more politically correct but he told me the truth, he wanted to stay home and take care of his laundry. So considering his history of being open and forward with me, this personal stuff answer is odd. 2
blueskyday Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Um, short answer. He is up to something. When a guy is exclusive and sleeping with a woman and it's his birthday, he would most likely assume to be spending it with that woman. I don't care if you brought it up last minute. (What is he? A girl? "Bring me a dozen roses and plan a big dinner at a fancy restaurant!" I don't think so.) Then when you do bring it up, he gives you an excuse for a few days why he can't see you. He is either passive aggressive and has loads of issues or he is being shady. Where you want to priority. None of these is a good scenario. My advice is to break up with him. I've seen guys like this so many times. And it never ends well. I had one guy tell me that he wanted to stay in on a Saturday night to do his laundry. I told him, "Guys with girlfriends don't stay in on a Saturday night to do laundry -- unless it's doing laundry while you're hanging out with your girlfriend watching a movie. I didn't think you should have a girlfriend anymore. " This girl sounds like he doesn't think he has a girlfriend. So don't be one. I know it's hard. I'm so sorry but I think it would be harder to stay with a guy he was a mindset like this 2
Ruby Slippers Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Every thread you've written about this guy is full of clear and obvious flashing neon yellow construction signs that he's not that into you. Including this one. Do you really think this is the best you can do for yourself? SMH 22
Zahara Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Men don't really play games like this.... at least no man I've ever met or heard of. My ex-husband was passive aggresive and my last ex was this way. So, there are men out there that do this -- in the realm of relationships. 2
Keenly Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 You want her to break up with him because of two words? We have no proof of any wrongdoing here. In fact the only thing we have are conclusions that we all have leaped to. With zero evidence to back any of them up. Don't break up with your boyfriend over an assumption on your part. 1
blueskyday Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 (edited) Sorry if my post was a bit confusing.I was writing it from my phone! I just read the comment about you saying he is a go with the flow kind of guy. That's what the guy who wanted to do laundry on Saturday night said to me. ugh! worst relationship dudes. I actually think it's code for "I'm not that interested in dating you. At least not enough to make plans with you." I have had much better luck in my dating life when I started dating guys who were very interested in dating me. And who would make a lot of plans in advance. In other words, they put in the effort. You deserve the same! Tell this guy what I told laundry on Saturday night guy: "You don't sound like you want a girlfriend. Boyfriends don't leave their girlfriends alone on a Saturday night. Not if they want them to stay their girlfriends." Edited May 29, 2014 by blueskyday 3
Author Gaeta Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 I don't really believe in prince charming anymore. Last boyfriend was devoted to me and our relationship and he still bailed without a word. I feel since him I have lost my references. When a man shows genuine attention I don't believe him, when he's not so much into me I get frustrated.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 You don't have to hold out for Prince Charming, but at least diversify your dating life and meet some new men, rather than being the exclusive girlfriend to a guy who obviously doesn't care about you much. I'm sure you can find someone who treats you better than this guy. 2
GemmaUK Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 He does his washing on Fri/Sat night doesn't he? Maybe that is his personal stuff? I would not be cool with that every week and I demand less than you in a relationship Gaeta. Ask him. Call him out. It's been long enough and you absolutely have the right to. 3
carhill Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 We've been dating for 3 months. We have not introduced each other to our friends and family yet so I don't expect to be brought along. The fact he has other plans tonight is my fault, I was really last minute asking him for tonight. That being said that 'personal stuff' answer doesn't sit well with me. To me, this is key. You're apparently not a public 'couple' yet and, depending on his perspective on that aspect, it may drive his priorities, in that a presumably male friend for years who invites him out for dinner for his BD will have priority over his dating partner of three months. Since you don't know any of his friends, this friend could be anyone, so I'm working with the general male mindset on such matters. What has been his response when you have talked about meeting friends as boyfriend and girlfriend? Nothing more complex than having a mixed couples dinner party, stuff like that. Any feedback? Reading the tone of responses, it appears some other issues are at work and this apparently is the latest installation. Are the canaries in the mine keeling over? IDK, it's your gig and you know what is healthy for you. I can offer the opinion that I move excruciatingly slowly in romance compared to most men I know and I can't think of a single LTR where we weren't a public couple by three months in, meaning friends and family knew us. Shorter term dating experiences, variable, but still socializing invariably found us doing 'couple' things by that point. Up to you. Myself, I'd wish him happy BD, do something simple for him on Sunday and see where things go. I'd have to read the backstory to offer up anything else. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I have to agree with most others, especially considering your posting history about this guy. Something isn't right. What does he do every Saturday night that you've spent just 3 together in the last 3 months? And why does he need another 3 weeks before you can spend more Saturday nights together?
ktya Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 His birthday is today. When I asked what he was doing on his birthday evening he said a friend had invited him to dinner and he accepted. Not Bob, Harry, Joe from work, or his old buddy James. "A friend". Ie. he has another date. I'm multi-dating, dating 6 girls right now. They all know I'm not exclusive, I'm not a pig. Whenever I have another date lined up I use the "a friend" code so as to not get into it unless the other girl is cool for details in which case I'll say I have a date. Your not his girlfriend. Your not exclusive. You are "seeing" him. If your OK with that keep dating him. 3
Kamila Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 You're not celebrating his birthday on his birthday ? And you've been together for 3 months ? Weird... 5
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