Red123 Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 This is shaping up to be a really rough week for me. I just passed the 6 month mark after Dday and was able to reflect on some of the positive change that has occurred but this week I seem to have dropped a bit. I am consumed by his A and more so how he treated me during it. He has pointed out that i want to talk about it all of the time and when not talking about it I look like I am waiting to talk about it. Regular conversation is hard right now and I think he is right. I also seem to be coming on here constantly with the rationale that maybe something someone says will help. Since I seem to be living in a solely emotional state right now my logical side has been very quiet this week. I think my logical side would tell me that I am afraid of our first MC session in two days and unsure of what to expect so I am spiralling. Any thoughts or tips?
Ailsa1983 Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 This is shaping up to be a really rough week for me. I just passed the 6 month mark after Dday and was able to reflect on some of the positive change that has occurred but this week I seem to have dropped a bit. I am consumed by his A and more so how he treated me during it. He has pointed out that i want to talk about it all of the time and when not talking about it I look like I am waiting to talk about it. Regular conversation is hard right now and I think he is right. I also seem to be coming on here constantly with the rationale that maybe something someone says will help. Since I seem to be living in a solely emotional state right now my logical side has been very quiet this week. I think my logical side would tell me that I am afraid of our first MC session in two days and unsure of what to expect so I am spiralling. Any thoughts or tips? I am on the other end as a former ow but I found that being on these boards when you are extremely emotional makes it harder for me. I would maybe suggest taking a break from infidelity boards for a few days/weeks and see how you get on. Even now after almost 2 years when I log back onto loveshack the whole A seems so fresh in my mind and I remember things I didn't before I logged on (if that even makes sense)
Author Red123 Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 It totally makes sense and to add I also seem to get more suspicious of my H. Like when I read others stories even if they are nothing like mine, I'm like maybe he did that lol. What a mess. Thanks for your reply it makes a lot of sense.
Snowflower Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 This is shaping up to be a really rough week for me. I just passed the 6 month mark after Dday and was able to reflect on some of the positive change that has occurred but this week I seem to have dropped a bit. I am consumed by his A and more so how he treated me during it. He has pointed out that i want to talk about it all of the time and when not talking about it I look like I am waiting to talk about it. Regular conversation is hard right now and I think he is right. I also seem to be coming on here constantly with the rationale that maybe something someone says will help. Since I seem to be living in a solely emotional state right now my logical side has been very quiet this week. I think my logical side would tell me that I am afraid of our first MC session in two days and unsure of what to expect so I am spiralling. Any thoughts or tips? Hi Red, just remember 6 months is early days yet. At 6 months I was very much the same as you. I was consumed by thoughts of my H's affair. I spent too much time on LS looking for the answer. You won't find it here, I promise. You will find help, lots of food for thought, and can gain a good understanding of the why's of an affair. However, there is no good answer for why your H did what he did. He probably cannot even answer that, at least not to your satisfaction. Instead, you will have to learn to make your own peace with it someday, in your own good time. Healing from a betrayal such as this is an individual journey. Yes, there is marital healing too but I think it is just as much, if not more, about the betrayed's healing and sense of self. I hope some more of the BSs will come here and chime in. It's been quiet around here lately; not sure where everyone is. Sorry I can't be of more help. I've not been able to give good advice lately. 3
Trustnoone Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I am at about the same time frame as you are at. My WW's affair has consumed my thoughts the entire time. It is difficult to deflect the affair thoughts and have thoughts of an enjoyable time in life. When I notice the affair to be consuming my thoughts I try to make myself busy such as a walk, clean the garage, garden, anything to occupy your mind. I struggle to deflect the affair thoughts but sometimes it does work. MC for us has been a tremendous expierience for both me and WW. I have discovered many flaws in myself as has my WW. We are working on these flaws and communication. I won't lie and say its been easy as MC can get difficult. The good news or bad news, depending on how well you know, me is I've survived so far. I'm going to let the therapist know in the next session I've learned sign language when she calls me out!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Red, it might well be that you could use individual counseling before starting MC. It takes a long time to work through the grief and betrayal. It can seem like you take two steps back for each step forward. It sounds like you could use someone to help you process it and let you know when you're ruminating. At some point it might be helpful to allow yourself only a certain amount of time each day to dwell on your thoughts. After that you consciously push them from your mind. Learning simple meditation techniques and practicing present mindedness will go a long way toward helping you to control your thoughts and emotions. Unfortunately and unfairly, you're H might have broken you but YOU'VE got to do the work to put yourself back together. It doesn't work any other way. Seek healing, put the focus on you right now. Sorry for your pain. It may be that if LS is keeping you stuck, that you taper off for a while to see if that helps any. I remember typing anything and everything into my browser looking for an answer! I kept thinking, I might as well go buy a magic eight ball! Good luck to you. 2
BetrayedH Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 My $.02... Talk to him about it MORE and keep talking about it until you're done. Don't hesitate. Talk to us less. Honestly, you've learned the critical pieces already. Snow is right. The 'answers' you need aren't here.
Author Red123 Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 Thank you all. Magic eight ball lol. So true. I do talk to him a lot but its all the same stuff. I'm so hurt and asking questions that I have asked about a thousand times already. He is actually really good about it, I don't know if I could handle it if the roles were reversed. He keeps explaining what he has learned from this and how he could never hurt me like this again but its like I just can't hear him because I'm so consumed with my own pain. I am wondering for those in MC what does it usually focus on? Does the counsellor usually have you go through the story of the A and help with tools? I'm very nervous, I have been through IC at different times in my life but never MC. Anyone willing to share would be helpful. Thanks.
BetrayedH Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 MCs are as varied as people. I honestly wouldn't expect much at all from the first session. You two will probably just share "why you're here" and before you know it, you've told your story and it's over. No reason to be nervous.
BetrayedH Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 MCs are as varied as people. I honestly wouldn't expect much at all from the first session. You two will probably just share "why you're here" and before you know it, you've told your story and it's over. No reason to be nervous. Edit to add: conventional wisdom says to give the therapist 3 sessions to establish a connection. If you don't feel good after that, switch. But mutually commit to no less than 3 unless there are serious red flags (such as blaming the BS for the affair).
Man Mountain Makino Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I'm sorry to hear this. This is the main reason I wouldn't try to reconcile in that situation. It's just too difficult and not worth the energy and effort. I could find a new woman and start fresh, and bypass all that. Path of least resistance.
Furious Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 (edited) Thank you all. Magic eight ball lol. So true. I do talk to him a lot but its all the same stuff. I'm so hurt and asking questions that I have asked about a thousand times already. He is actually really good about it, I don't know if I could handle it if the roles were reversed. He keeps explaining what he has learned from this and how he could never hurt me like this again but its like I just can't hear him because I'm so consumed with my own pain. I am wondering for those in MC what does it usually focus on? Does the counsellor usually have you go through the story of the A and help with tools? I'm very nervous, I have been through IC at different times in my life but never MC. Anyone willing to share would be helpful. Thanks. I wouldn't recommend MC at only the six month mark of D-day. Individual Counselling is something that will benefit you much more at this point. There are many great counsellors but just as many poor counsellors out there. Getting a MC who does not specialize in Infidelity can cause you more distress and set you back further than you already are at. Shop around for an Individual counsellor that you feel comfortable with. Ask questions, many counsellors will give you a free consultation. it's important to ask questions and discuss their style of therapy. In MC, the marriage is the client. unless you are ready and able, you must save yourself before attempting to save the marriage. Edited May 29, 2014 by Furious correction 2
BetrayedH Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I'm sorry to hear this. This is the main reason I wouldn't try to reconcile in that situation. It's just too difficult and not worth the energy and effort. I could find a new woman and start fresh, and bypass all that. Path of least resistance. IMHO, healing takes a long time whether you reconcile or divorce. I'm three years post Dday and almost two years divorced and still think about the affair daily. And there are still trust issues with future partners. It takes a while to recover no matter what you do. If there was a 'bypass' option, I would have taken it. 6
Author Red123 Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 Edit to add: conventional wisdom says to give the therapist 3 sessions to establish a connection. If you don't feel good after that, switch. But mutually commit to no less than 3 unless there are serious red flags (such as blaming the BS for the affair). Thank you. I will definetly commit to that.
snappytomcat Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 hi red im sorry that youre feeling down,just remember 6 months really isn't that long,I was still a basket case at 6 months,as someone said maybe not coming here as much for a while would help,if you can pm now,maybe you can just pm some people for some support,you can pm if you would like. right after dday,which was in june I started writing letters to myself,of how I was feeling,and then reading them,later on during this horrible journey,and my 6 month letter,i wrote that I still feel like im on a roller coaster ride,its been 6 months why oh why,do I still feel like a horrible mess. our mc said eventually you have to move on,but she told my husband if I have questions,even years down the road,he needs to answer them without getting pizzed about it. you know iam now at the point,where I don't ask questions anymore,cause I want to move on,and I don't want to give this ugly part of my life anymore control over me,i never thought I would get to this point,it wasn't doing me any good. 1
Author Red123 Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 Thanks snappy your words are encouraging and thanks to all who responded. I am going to take an LS break after all. It feels like I am here too much. I have it on my phone so it has been too easy to get here. I hope maybe I can just focus on my stuff for a bit and not decide that my H is guilty of every story I read on here:). Before I go can anyone tell me what trolling is? I have been to embarrassed to ask lol. After I get my answer I'm out. Thank you all for the support. If you see me on here in the next week kick my a## off of here:) 3
snappytomcat Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Thanks snappy your words are encouraging and thanks to all who responded. I am going to take an LS break after all. It feels like I am here too much. I have it on my phone so it has been too easy to get here. I hope maybe I can just focus on my stuff for a bit and not decide that my H is guilty of every story I read on here:). Before I go can anyone tell me what trolling is? I have been to embarrassed to ask lol. After I get my answer I'm out. Thank you all for the support. If you see me on here in the next week kick my a## off of here:) please give us an update in a few weeks,and if you feel down pm,i will pm you my email address take care red! I know what trolling is just don't know how to explain it,im sure someone else will 1
BetrayedH Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I'm sure that there are more technical definitions but... Trolling is basically when people just come here to get people all worked up. Some make up fake stories. Some just say controversial stuff. In both cases, they just put it out there and watch the show. There's entire websites and groups devoted to the practice. Trust me, many of the stories you've read here are completely fictitious. Many others are real. I don't get worked up about it anymore. For all I know, you could be a 15 year old boy sitting around with his friends enjoying my response to your question about trolls. Welcome to the internet. 4
Author Red123 Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 Thanks snappy, I will for sure and thanks for all of your support and encouragement. Betrayed H, thank you for the definition. I can assure you I'm not 15 but I wish my story was fake it would be a lot easier for sure. Thank you aswell for your support. Take care. 2
tornapart2002 Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 You're thoughts are racing. One thought to the next and you can'ttsee any progress. If there has been progress, get out a journal,or a piece of paper at least, and write down any progress that has happened. This is a long journey. I'm about 10 months in. You're impending marriage counseling session is probably freaking you out too. Right before counseling sessions is when my mind races and it won't slow down and I start to relive it all again. In my relationship there is a lot of progress and positives right now so those feelings are lessening, but not all the way gone. Hang in there. I hope you don't mind if I recommend a link...on youtube.. Not sure if I'm allowed to link here or not, but I've found a lot of encouragement through them. Even if you are not someone of faith, their message is good. A little background...the man was emotionally and verbally abusive to his wife. Two weeks before theywere supposed to get married he cheated on her. Eventually they were able to work things out and stay together and have been married for 20-some years. I know..sounds like crap. Ithought so too but find them to be genuine. They do ask for people to support them at th end of the vidoes, but I support them with $15 a month and still get all access to videos and information from them. Hang in there! This is shaping up to be a really rough week for me. I just passed the 6 month mark after Dday and was able to reflect on some of the positive change that has occurred but this week I seem to have dropped a bit. I am consumed by his A and more so how he treated me during it. He has pointed out that i want to talk about it all of the time and when not talking about it I look like I am waiting to talk about it. Regular conversation is hard right now and I think he is right. I also seem to be coming on here constantly with the rationale that maybe something someone says will help. Since I seem to be living in a solely emotional state right now my logical side has been very quiet this week. I think my logical side would tell me that I am afraid of our first MC session in two days and unsure of what to expect so I am spiralling. Any thoughts or tips?
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