Breaks up with me on my BIRTHDAY!

[lovehurtsme91]

Hi all,

 

It's my first time here and I'm not sure how this goes. Do forgive me.

 

Basically, I turned 23 this year last month. My ex and I have been together for 4 years before he ended it with me.

 

I guess it's best to give a back story of our relationship. When we first started 4 years ago, I was 19 and so was he. We started very well and from Day 1 I knew he loved me a lot! He would do everything for me without having me to ask.

 

However, a few weeks in the relationship I found out I was a 3rd wheel with him and another girl, let's just call her Amanda. I swear I never knew cos before we officially started, he said things like "Yeah this girl (the girl before this) was my last" which obviously made me think he wasn't with anyone else then. He never told me about Amanda till after we got back. And after much understanding about his past, I found out that he cheated on all his 3 exes.

 

Please don't be judgmental but his a pastor's kid. I understand that everyone makes mistakes and we shouldn't put that over their heads so since he broke it off with Amanda before I actually found out, I said to take it slow and just see how things goes. From the very beginning I mentioned that Cheating was something I would never be able to accept and if ever he cheated on me, that was it!

 

Fast forwarding 2 years, after I guarded my heart afraid he would cheat on me, he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. (as you can see, we dated 2 years before I actually accepted his proposal as I was afraid.) The thing is, he asked me on my birthday and although in a few months I was flying off to study my bachelor's I accepted his offer. His family is a wonderful family.

 

They take me travelling and for an Asian, and rather close minded society... It's something very amazing. I loved his family! So when I flew over to UK to study my bachelor's, I was homesick and my family and his sent him over for 2 weeks during Christmas to be with me. Like I've mentioned, for an Asian and for a Christian families, this things are rather unheard of. And no, we did not have sex. We got through Long Distance Relationship for a year.

 

But anyway, fast forward to April 2013, I decided to call it off due to some issues we were facing. However we both agreed that we would give more time before officially breaking it off and telling other people about it only after we tried when I got back. When I got back, I secretly got back to surprise him. Of course with the help of his family and his friends - we succeeded.

 

But after 2 months of trying, i just couldn't do it and it just didn't feel right. So I told him it was over. We still hang out then but that was cos I wanted to try to ease his pain in letting me go. I slowly stopped texting him in hopes he would slowly forget me. But his family knew he was trying to win me back and they were supporting him.

 

Months later, he finally did. And we got back again in January this year. I told him that if this was it. As in, if we were to start back now, you were the one I will marry cos during that time when he was chasing me, I felt something in me that reassured me of his love and that he wouldn't ever cheat on me. (yes, throughout the whole time, I still was afraid of him cheating on me.. he DID cheat on all his exes, so please don't judge).

 

I enjoyed myself this 4 months and although we never told his parents about us getting back together, I knew in my heart that I wanted to marry him. We fought pretty badly a week before my birthday and he called it off using his parents as a reason for the break up, saying things like "I love you but my parents don't allow us being together". After talking to him on the phone, I managed to convinced him to take me back cos I knew how to win his parents.

 

A week after on my birthday which was on a Saturday, I was in a full day spa as I wanted to just chill. He was busy with church events anyway and I didn't really care as I don't really care about spending time on my birthday. (don't actually like celebration, just a simple "Happy Birthday, I love you" is enough).

 

Anyway, as I was in the spa and phones were forbidden which he knew about - he texted me at 12am saying "Happy Birthday dear, you always know how to make me happy even when I'm not and I love you so much". And at 9am, he texted again "Happy Birthday birthday girl, I miss you! Can't wait to see, love you" something like that. So when I got back my phone at about 3pm, I texted him "Hi". Out of the blue, he just replied "I can't do this anymore, I'm not happy." After much begging of what the heck happened, he just wouldn't budge.

 

I guess I was in denial cos after 4 years, how could he actually break up with me on my birthday, right? So I cried but thought it was nothing. The next day as his facebook and email was linked to my iPad (he keyed in the password), a pop up email and it was a cinema booking for a couple seat for Sunday (the day after my birthday). So I thought it was a surprise for me or something, as it was Sunday, I went to church and he was there.

 

And to my shock, he came with a girl. And I know ALL his friends, that is also cos he doesn't really have many. And I've never seen this girl before. And i just somehow knew he was bringing her for the movie. Devastated I was, I couldn't hold my tears and started crying.

 

Hours after church, a friend of mind who did not know about us breaking up messaged me telling me that she saw my ex with another girl and her head was on his shoulder. I mean "WHAT THE HECK! HOW COINCIDENCE CAN IT GET FOR A FRIEND TO SEE THEM." I was literally "WTF" then.

 

Many things happen in between, and he finally told me and gave me a ****ty closure saying that the week before my birthday, he already lost his feelings for me. I was like WTF! And during that week, before my birthday he said things like "I love you and you're the love of my life". He also just met her that very Friday before my birthday. Meaning to say, Friday he met her, Saturday was my birthday, he broke up, and Sunday he started going out with her. And on Monday he told a mutual friend of ours (but doesn't know about us getting back together) that he likes her and he ask "put a ring on it?" And he answered "soon".

 

He is still with the girl now and he has been very very mean by posting a pic of her on instagram even after I told him that I just need time to heal, and to not parade her in front of me and all shoving it up my face. I of course have unfollowed him and stop contacting him for about 2-3 weeks now. It's been 40 days since he ended it with me. And I'm still trying to cope the best I can.

 

I just can't believe that he would cheat on me, the very thing I told him NEVER to do to me. And he did it on my birthday. The girl doesn't know what he did to me and she probably never will knowing him. He told her that we broke up the first time I ended with him, a liar much?

 

After talking to his parents, I found out his father NEVER said that he didn't allow us getting back together. His father was very shocked in fact. He was even shocked that his son cheated. After the talk with them, I could see the extreme disappointment they have for his son and they even told me 2 days after that they scolded him very very badly. And his dad - when he is angry, it is VERY SCARY.

 

I didn't feel happy that he got scolded but I was glad that his parents sided me cos his parents can be tough sometimes, always supporting their kids. If you were wondering why I told his parents, I didn't. His parents felt something was not right and digged it out of my ex. Of course, he left out the cheating part. He just told about him breaking up with me on my birthday and bringing of the girl the next day.

 

Although his parents told me they forbid him from dating anyone, he ain't gonna stop of course. He is still with her now.

 

I'm still coping through and going through the healing process. But I'm just trying to ask guys out there... Why would he do this?

 

Can someone tell me the reasoning behind this? I honestly was ready to marry him and I wasn't even lying when I said I loved him and wanted to be with in January this year. But he didn't. He was lying all these while. I feel cheated and betrayed, but I still love him so much.

 

I'm just trying to understand a guys point of view, maybe I can then try to move pass this trying to understand his view. He loved me very much last time but since January, it just seem different, I just thought it was cos he started working... that's all.

 

What did I do wrong? My heart wants him so bad. My heart misses him so much... But I know I can't take him back in my head. My family and friends would also kill me if I do.

 

But I still want him

 

What am I to do? How do I move on from this? 4 years... We went places, countries. Spending so much time together. How did he one day just decides to end it with me and the next day go out with her?? (((

Edited May 29, 2014 by lovehurtsme91

[mammasita]

You started very well? No you didn't because a few weeks into the relationship you KNEW you were a third wheel but you also know he loved you from day one? This is all so contradictory.

 

None of this makes any sense honestly.

 

You broke up with him and then took him back then he broke up with you and now you're upset?

 

I'm not judging, but you shouldn't be surprised, you KNEW he was a cheater. I'm sure he had her lined up and was seeing her the same time he was seeing you.

 

You sound young, take this as a learning experience. Choose your men wisely. Listen to what they tell you. Know that you can't change them.

[lovehurtsme91]

You started very well? No you didn't because a few weeks into the relationship you KNEW you were a third wheel but you also know he loved you from day one? This is all so contradictory.

 

None of this makes any sense honestly.

 

You broke up with him and then took him back then he broke up with you and now you're upset?

 

I'm not judging, but you shouldn't be surprised, you KNEW he was a cheater. I'm sure he had her lined up and was seeing her the same time he was seeing you.

 

You sound young, take this as a learning experience. Choose your men wisely. Listen to what they tell you. Know that you can't change them.

 

Hi,

 

Sorry I think I didn't really explain well. Yes things were good from Day 1 but as soon as I knew I was the 3rd wheel. I was afraid but yes I suppose I should have stopped then and there when I knew. But he already broke up with her so when I found out, I wasn't "known 3rd wheel".

 

Yes, I guess I knew he was a cheater and this shouldn't come as a shock to me. But I suppose after 4 years, I just didn't expect it. This being said, this was the longest relationship for both of us. So I guess I didn't expect him to do it after 4 years.

 

Guess I'm still young and immature to have expected more.

No doubt this is a lesson for me. Never to trust a cheater, and to be very sure before I open my heart to someone.

[jalfy]

Hey dear, coming from an asian and christian background, I can relate to you very much.

 

It hurts badly because he's a pastor's kid - the expectations for him to do the 'right' thing are high. Hence when he cheat, it kinda breaks your world apart more than usual. As for the cheating, yes it is painful, but you have to move on, stop contacting him, and remind yourself that he's in the wrong and you can walk away with a clear conscience. You did not do anything wrong in this relationship! It's quite clear from the beginning that he has a cheating tendency, so I guess it's not surprising that he will do it again.

 

I'm sorry that you are hurting. It feels terrible to have this conflict in your heart where you feel betrayed but at the same time, you can't bear to let him go. Don't let this guy and his cheating strip away your self-worth and self-esteem away - he's not the master of your life. This guy is simply not good for your life, and it's a good thing that things have ended now. Things will be much worse and you will hurt even more if the both of you marry and he cheats.

 

Take some time to heal. Hang out with your friends, take up some hobbies, be more involved in church activities, pray to God, read bible or christian books. I promise that in time to come, you'll feel much better and this experience will only make you stronger

[lovehurtsme91]

Hey dear, coming from an asian and christian background, I can relate to you very much.

 

It hurts badly because he's a pastor's kid - the expectations for him to do the 'right' thing are high. Hence when he cheat, it kinda breaks your world apart more than usual. As for the cheating, yes it is painful, but you have to move on, stop contacting him, and remind yourself that he's in the wrong and you can walk away with a clear conscience. You did not do anything wrong in this relationship! It's quite clear from the beginning that he has a cheating tendency, so I guess it's not surprising that he will do it again.

 

I'm sorry that you are hurting. It feels terrible to have this conflict in your heart where you feel betrayed but at the same time, you can't bear to let him go. Don't let this guy and his cheating strip away your self-worth and self-esteem away - he's not the master of your life. This guy is simply not good for your life, and it's a good thing that things have ended now. Things will be much worse and you will hurt even more if the both of you marry and he cheats.

 

Take some time to heal. Hang out with your friends, take up some hobbies, be more involved in church activities, pray to God, read bible or christian books. I promise that in time to come, you'll feel much better and this experience will only make you stronger

 

Hi, thank you so much for your reply.

 

Yes, I have been hanging out with my friends and the leaders in church are very supportive as well. I have good support system and I am blessed.

 

It hurts more when I see him playing during P&W and being a leader in the youth section when he did this things at the side. Of course I know God will handle everything in time.

 

And I also know in time, I will get over him. I guess I just can't seem to see the connection of how he could do this. I've been relying on God and have been praying daily and reading Christian books too. It really helps.

 

Yes, I suppose when I started of with him, I expected a bit more cos he's a pastor's kid. I'm doing my best to pull through and not try to let it take over me especially when he plays on Sunday. My leaders have been saying I'm doing well, but at times I just don't feel so.

 

As much as I know in time, I will move on. I still want to understand why a guy would do such a thing. I mean if you wanna break up, fine. but on my birthday? and doing the very thing i told him NOT to do? kind of like a slap on my face but I guess he has cheated before, why wouldn't he do it again right?

 

Sorry I guess I'm not really over things as you can see me rambling everything.

Edited May 29, 2014 by lovehurtsme91

[jalfy]

Hi, thank you so much for your reply.

 

Yes, I have been hanging out with my friends and the leaders in church are very supportive as well. I have good support system and I am blessed.

 

It hurts more when I see him playing during P&W and being a leader in the youth section when he did this things at the side. Of course I know God will handle everything in time.

 

And I also know in time, I will get over him. I guess I just can't seem to see the connection of how he could do this. I've been relying on God and have been praying daily and reading Christian books too. It really helps.

 

Yes, I suppose when I started of with him, I expected a bit more cos he's a pastor's kid. I'm doing my best to pull through and not try to let it take over me especially when he plays on Sunday. My leaders have been saying I'm doing well, but at times I just don't feel so.

 

As much as I know in time, I will move on. I still want to understand why a guy would do such a thing. I mean if you wanna break up, fine. but on my birthday? and doing the very thing i told him NOT to do? kind of like a slap on my face but I guess he has cheated before, why wouldn't he do it again right?

 

Sorry I guess I'm not really over things as you can see me rambling everything.

 

No worries dear. My ex was going to be a pastor. Yet he broke up with me on Christmas day. He bailed out of our relationship when we were in the process of working things out. Was I disappointed? Very much. Because I thought that as a pastor-to-be, he would be more mature in his handling of relationship matters. After our breakup, he even gave us another shot, but brutally broke it off the next day because he 'wasn't in a state to commit' (because of church politics). It really broke my heart. And because he was unsure of what he wanted, he kind of played me along. But I have my faults too and I screwed up my chances of reconciliation eventually.

 

My point is, I understand your feelings where, he's a leader in church and it's just doesn't seem right when he's supposed to uphold certain values, yet his character is s*itty. That's how I felt about my ex too. And yes, with the way he's living his life, it's only a matter of time when he will pay his price, but, it will be according to God's timing. So you don't have to worry about that we reap what we sow.

 

It sucks to be dumped on birthday, but I guess cheaters are naturally insensitive people. They do whatever they want without caring the other party's feelings. That's why they cheat. This goes to show that not only he's a cheater, but he's a selfish person too. All the more to walk away from this relationship.

 

You can do it!

[Zahara]

I still want to understand why a guy would do such a thing. I mean if you wanna break up, fine. but on my birthday? and doing the very thing i told him NOT to do? kind of like a slap on my face but I guess he has cheated before, why wouldn't he do it again right? .

 

There is no understanding why people do the things they do. You can speculate but that's just a waste of time and emotion.

 

You kept saying he's cheated on all his exs so please don't judge him, it was a mistake. You kept pushing that aside because you thought you were going to be the exception. No, you're the rule. Mistake is BS. You learn from your first mistake. You don't keep repeating it. And just because you tell someone not to cheat, it doesn't mean they won't cheat. His emotional immaturity is as such in that he will continue to repeat his patterns.

[lovehurtsme91]

No worries dear. My ex was going to be a pastor. Yet he broke up with me on Christmas day. He bailed out of our relationship when we were in the process of working things out. Was I disappointed? Very much. Because I thought that as a pastor-to-be, he would be more mature in his handling of relationship matters. After our breakup, he even gave us another shot, but brutally broke it off the next day because he 'wasn't in a state to commit' (because of church politics). It really broke my heart. And because he was unsure of what he wanted, he kind of played me along. But I have my faults too and I screwed up my chances of reconciliation eventually.

 

My point is, I understand your feelings where, he's a leader in church and it's just doesn't seem right when he's supposed to uphold certain values, yet his character is s*itty. That's how I felt about my ex too. And yes, with the way he's living his life, it's only a matter of time when he will pay his price, but, it will be according to God's timing. So you don't have to worry about that we reap what we sow.

 

It sucks to be dumped on birthday, but I guess cheaters are naturally insensitive people. They do whatever they want without caring the other party's feelings. That's why they cheat. This goes to show that not only he's a cheater, but he's a selfish person too. All the more to walk away from this relationship.

 

You can do it!

 

I know how you feel. My ex played and toyed with my feelings saying things like I love you and you're the love of my life when he didn't have anymore feelings for me. I guess you're right.

 

I also understand that no one is perfect and I believe in God's timing, things will be revealed.

 

I do have to say that I am not at all angry with the girl cos she didn't know I existed. I know it isn't my place but I do feel a bit afraid that he would do it to her too - knowing that he would never tell her about his exes. Like I said, I know it isn't my place to tell her, just a bit afraid for her. Is it weird?

 

Yes, he really did gave me a shock that he would do this honestly. I guess it comes to show that he is still immature when it comes to relationship. Although in my mind I know I will never get back with him, it still doesn't lessen the pain in any way. Going through this with God is the only way to get through it, right?

 

I'm just afraid he would bring her to church again before I'm over it and that it would feel like back to square one. I've always told myself that regretting a relationship is not a good thing, cos you learn every time. But somehow, this relationship... I sort of feel that I do.

[lovehurtsme91]

There is no understanding why people do the things they do. You can speculate but that's just a waste of time and emotion.

 

You kept saying he's cheated on all his exs so please don't judge him, it was a mistake. You kept pushing that aside because you thought you were going to be the exception. No, you're the rule. Mistake is BS. You learn from your first mistake. You don't keep repeating it. And just because you tell someone not to cheat, it doesn't mean they won't cheat. His emotional immaturity is as such in that he will continue to repeat his patterns.

 

Hi Zahara,

 

What do you mean when you say "you're the rule"? And I guess that's true. He keeps saying that he made a mistake but I personally also feel that you should learn from your mistake not repeating it. But I guess I trusted him with my heart to so I am half to blame here. Who asked me to trust a cheater right?

 

I agree that he may just repeat it, which makes me afraid of the current girl he is with now. She doesn't know a single thing about his exes or his relationship. It's not my place, I know but I guess I am still afraid for her.

 

My friends have asked me to go out on dates with guys who are currently after me. I did, once. But just didn't feel right though. It doesn't help mitigate the pain, just makes me wish it was him next to me.