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Posted (edited)

Last night I was put in an awkward position. The woman I was seeing and I agreed that we were not going to see other people anymore.

 

Hours after we made the agreement, a girl I was interested in called and asked me on a date...

 

I opened my mouth to reject it, but then I had a thought, a scary thought I never had...and it went something like this.

 

"If I get rid of this girl, what would happen if the woman I am going to be exclusive with, leaves me, or breaks things off? I will have possibly lost my chance with this girl."

 

And for 5 seconds, I stopped myself and actually thought about it. And when I did, I was actually starting to become insecure, confused, but not cause I was indecisive, but because...I was finitely indecisive...I was literally unwilling to give this girl up because I was afraid by taking the dive without a definite chance, if I crash, I would end up with nothing...

 

That thought became SO scary....that it actually entertained me the thought of playing them both.

 

And that my friends, must be how dumpers feel.

 

Care to explain, you may ask? I'll do my best.

 

Well, when a dumper contemplates the break up, there are a lot of factors that play into it, including the obvious problems, but you know when those problems are REALLY magnified?

 

When someone else, whom you have no history, or a history that is distorted(like the return of an ex) comes around, the newness and the excitement of the pure possibility of a whirlwind romance runs through your head, but not without the realization that with that total excitement comes the huge possibility that it can CRASH just as fast, so without a surefire security plan, there's not much to stand on.

 

I actually STARTED to think that in the moment, and in that said moment, I started to understand my ex.

 

It's a odd combination of excitement and fear. Consider this. Your significant other is amazing in every way possible, and sure, he or she has their flaws, but after a while of getting to know them, you start wondering, of course, if you can have new experiences, sexually and emotionally, with another person purely for curiosity's sake and for the chance to experience life. You don't tell your significant other this because you feel that what you're doing is wrong and shouldn't be natural, so you keep it quiet, that innate desire to explore, to see what other fits are there...but the desire builds up, no matter how much you deny it.

 

Those tiny little arguments between you and your Significant Other? They start subconsciously(or sometimes consciously) becoming bigger deals as your desires for exploration become greater, ESPECIALLY if someone catches your eye. You know this is wrong, but the more this person on the outside gets closer to you, the more the excitement brews because it's like a fairy tale in a sense...the dumper feels that he or she was "trapped" in a loveless relationship where the Significant Other held them prisoner through guilt and self-obligation, which fuels their need to be "free" to pursue a relationship. However, as much as they love the idea of a new relationship, if they were to tell the truth(as I felt when I was telling the other girl that I was seeing someone else) they are afraid that if they take this chance, the other person is more than likely going to move on, and if this relationship crashes, the person will be sad and "alone"

 

^This is IMPORTANT! Cause this is where the lies come in. They start slowing distancing themselves from the Significant Other, but desire a "back door"option in case their true, new pursuit(and the intoxication chase of the "rebound) doesn't work out. They say anything to backdoor themselves back into your life(I was thinking this as I was talking to her and can't believe I was feeling this way after what I went through.) and do so, partially, because they themselves are incredibly insecure and emotionally weak, which would make them weak partners anyway.

 

So they will either lie and pick fights till they are sure this "flaw" is enough to leave on, or the "other person" is secure enough for the jump.

And thus, dumpers drop the bomb in manners of "breaks" "I don't know what I want"'s, and "It's not you, it's me." Oh god knows I've gotten that so many times.

 

But the fact is, regardless of my feelings, I told her the truth and let her go. Did I want to? NO. Cause I felt vulnerable. But would it be fair to her? I'd want her to do the same for me. It was hard, believe me, but it was mature. I may end up regretting it, but at least I know I did what I could to make what we have work.

 

I REALLY liked the woman I was getting to know and I wanted to pursue a committed relationship. She's pretty awesome.

 

Point is, dumpers aren't evil people. It's fine to resent them, but it's much easier to place the blame and hate on them when there's a chance it could have been you in that situation. Learn to forgive them cause they are human. However, if they go through serious lengths to hide the fact, these people are EXTREMELY afraid of being alone and thus would not be loyal, as a lover, and definitely as a friend. Drop them like a bad habit and go strict No Contact.

 

Breaking up is hard to do, give a lot of respect and props to those who handle the breakups maturely and fairly, without tangling up the feelings out of insecurity issues.

 

 

Here's my point.

 

Regardless of whatever the reason, dumpers made a clear decision that was not wrong, but the method in which they go on and break up in such a dirty manner is a clear indication of their own character. No matter the reason, lying and cheating is the ultimate betrayal in any relationship and should be met with a clean break.

 

But don't spit too much venom at dumpers. They are people too.

 

And one day, that might be you in their shoes.

 

 

This has been a Public Service Announcement from Natsume21.

 

*end transmission*

Edited by Natsume21
Posted

I think you will find that, on this site, the main reason people dislike or hate their dumper is not simply the fact that they were dumped.

 

It is usually one or a combination of the following:

 

1) because the dumper has disrespected their wishes by continuing to send them breadcrumbs, even after being asked not to, which delays your healing

 

2) we realise we were lied to. it can be a 'small' lie or a 'big' lie but when we find out the dumper lied to us it makes us resent them. for example, one of my dumpers told me on the day she booted me out of her life that "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now... it is nothing against you, you are a great guy, I just have a lot of things going on in my life right now and I can't handle being in a relationship, sorry". while I was DEVASTATED hearing this I accepted it and tried to move on.

 

I then heard through a mutual friend that she hooked up and got in a relationship with another guy about a day after dumping me. so turns out SHE WAS 'ready' for a relationship... but not with me. she lied to me, and that made me hate her more than her dumping me did.

 

3) the WAY they chose to dump us. yes, dumping always sucks, but there are less painful ways to do it than others... I was dumped by one girl who spent an ENTIRE FOUR HOUR DATE with me hanging out and stuff and she gave me NO INDICATION AT ALL that anything was wrong until the VERY END when she gave me the 'lets just be friends' speech. I asked her why she couldnt have said that at the start and not wasted four hours of my time and she said she thought it was 'nicer' this way... maybe nicer for her but not me.

 

it is usually one of those three things.

 

so while we may resent the dumper most of us are mature enough to not hate them simply cos they broke up with us. it is there behaviour ON TOP of that.

  • Like 6
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Posted
I think you will find that, on this site, the main reason people dislike or hate their dumper is not simply the fact that they were dumped.

 

It is usually one or a combination of the following:

 

1) because the dumper has disrespected their wishes by continuing to send them breadcrumbs, even after being asked not to, which delays your healing

 

2) we realise we were lied to. it can be a 'small' lie or a 'big' lie but when we find out the dumper lied to us it makes us resent them. for example, one of my dumpers told me on the day she booted me out of her life that "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now... it is nothing against you, you are a great guy, I just have a lot of things going on in my life right now and I can't handle being in a relationship, sorry". while I was DEVASTATED hearing this I accepted it and tried to move on.

 

I then heard through a mutual friend that she hooked up and got in a relationship with another guy about a day after dumping me. so turns out SHE WAS 'ready' for a relationship... but not with me. she lied to me, and that made me hate her more than her dumping me did.

 

3) the WAY they chose to dump us. yes, dumping always sucks, but there are less painful ways to do it than others... I was dumped by one girl who spent an ENTIRE FOUR HOUR DATE with me hanging out and stuff and she gave me NO INDICATION AT ALL that anything was wrong until the VERY END when she gave me the 'lets just be friends' speech. I asked her why she couldnt have said that at the start and not wasted four hours of my time and she said she thought it was 'nicer' this way... maybe nicer for her but not me.

 

it is usually one of those three things.

 

so while we may resent the dumper most of us are mature enough to not hate them simply cos they broke up with us. it is there behaviour ON TOP of that.

 

My post pretty much gives my take on that, which can be summed up in this way.

 

The behavior so despised by the dumpees is because the dumpers are too afraid to be alone and do whatever it takes to continue seeking validation, resulting in said negative behavior...oh, it can DEFINITELY be a horrible experience, and trust me, I've been on the end of that....**** sucks. But, I wanted people to know that despite all of that, that 1. That they are much better off with a person who made a selfish choice in a relationship. 2. That they are that insecure that they won't be happy without a relationship(which usually leads to cases like Jennifer Lopez, extremely unhappy) while you become a better, more fulfilled person WITHOUT one.

  • Like 1
Posted
I think you will find that, on this site, the main reason people dislike or hate their dumper is not simply the fact that they were dumped.

 

It is usually one or a combination of the following:

 

1) because the dumper has disrespected their wishes by continuing to send them breadcrumbs, even after being asked not to, which delays your healing

 

2) we realise we were lied to. it can be a 'small' lie or a 'big' lie but when we find out the dumper lied to us it makes us resent them. for example, one of my dumpers told me on the day she booted me out of her life that "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now... it is nothing against you, you are a great guy, I just have a lot of things going on in my life right now and I can't handle being in a relationship, sorry". while I was DEVASTATED hearing this I accepted it and tried to move on.

 

I then heard through a mutual friend that she hooked up and got in a relationship with another guy about a day after dumping me. so turns out SHE WAS 'ready' for a relationship... but not with me. she lied to me, and that made me hate her more than her dumping me did.

 

3) the WAY they chose to dump us. yes, dumping always sucks, but there are less painful ways to do it than others... I was dumped by one girl who spent an ENTIRE FOUR HOUR DATE with me hanging out and stuff and she gave me NO INDICATION AT ALL that anything was wrong until the VERY END when she gave me the 'lets just be friends' speech. I asked her why she couldnt have said that at the start and not wasted four hours of my time and she said she thought it was 'nicer' this way... maybe nicer for her but not me.

 

it is usually one of those three things.

 

so while we may resent the dumper most of us are mature enough to not hate them simply cos they broke up with us. it is there behaviour ON TOP of that.

 

 

Very well said. 10+ likes for you if it's possible :)

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Posted

I'm gonna love this post.

 

While my last post was speaking from the dumpees side, I wrote a counter one cause I was caught between two women, and it just made me try to explain it.

 

 

 

Ladies, I got a question? Have you ever dumped a guy simply because you were more interested in another? If you dumped him harshly and did one of the three things Ordinary described, what went on in your mind that made you go with that decision.

 

(I wonder who will actually answer my post)

Posted

Interesting, but feel if you find yourself thinking these things about someone else while with another you shouldn't be with her in the first place. Its wrong, weak and a reflection of your own character. Bimbling from one to the next in search of that elusive what?? A modern day reflection of society these days, expect a relationship to be like something you buy, a shiny new whatever, you open the box and it's exciting but then you notice slight imperfections with your shiny new "whatever". The novelty wears off, work is required, effort is required but it's easier to look at another "whatever" as it appears more shiny/new and exciting, and the process continues….!!

Been there done it, had it done to me also so know what both parties feel like.

It's a shallow way to operate and all too common these days, we tend to know what we want and where we'd like to be with a partner but we tend not to look at/enjoy or focus on the path to get there, because if you don't focus on the path you'll soon fall off it!

I think communication and honesty is paramount, if you have concerns, voice them, be truthful instead of all this me me me!!

Your post could have been written by me ex, describes the situation to a T.

Some dumpers are great (because they are honest, don't fluff around and straight to the point) short term pain for long term gain.

Others are not worth the time of day, indecisive, hot and cold, deceitful, unfaithful, scheming, untrustworthy, selfish, greedy horrible people who have no concern of anyone's feelings but their own.

Utimately who are the most happy and content with their lot?

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Posted
Interesting, but feel if you find yourself thinking these things about someone else while with another you shouldn't be with her in the first place. Its wrong, weak and a reflection of your own character. Bimbling from one to the next in search of that elusive what?? A modern day reflection of society these days, expect a relationship to be like something you buy, a shiny new whatever, you open the box and it's exciting but then you notice slight imperfections with your shiny new "whatever". The novelty wears off, work is required, effort is required but it's easier to look at another "whatever" as it appears more shiny/new and exciting, and the process continues….!!

Been there done it, had it done to me also so know what both parties feel like.

It's a shallow way to operate and all too common these days, we tend to know what we want and where we'd like to be with a partner but we tend not to look at/enjoy or focus on the path to get there, because if you don't focus on the path you'll soon fall off it!

I think communication and honesty is paramount, if you have concerns, voice them, be truthful instead of all this me me me!!

Your post could have been written by me ex, describes the situation to a T.

Some dumpers are great (because they are honest, don't fluff around and straight to the point) short term pain for long term gain.

Others are not worth the time of day, indecisive, hot and cold, deceitful, unfaithful, scheming, untrustworthy, selfish, greedy horrible people who have no concern of anyone's feelings but their own.

Utimately who are the most happy and content with their lot?

 

The thing is, I was never really together with any of these girls. It was decided last night I was going to be together with the first when the second one called...which is the point of the thread was because those thoughts ran through my head.

 

I was only trying to gain perspective from the other side of the fence. I have not once forgotten the pain of being dumped.

Posted

Nice thread :)) I always wanted to think from both sides since I have dumped someone but not as a mean person I made things clear and she understood it. We just dated for a month and the spark was not there even though we got along well and I realized it. So before making commitments I met her and told that I don't feel a relationship is possible because I don't find that feeling. We dated but never proposed so I thought coming clean is a good thing for both of us.

 

Initially she was angry and annoyed but I expected it I made sure the real reason is delivered properly to her and there is no confusion and I stopped contacting. But after a couple of weeks she messaged me saying she moved on and that she is glad that I was honest. she was sweet enough to come back again and talk. We are good friends

 

I think it is the way we deal with the problem that makes the difference. When i got dumped I got bizarre reasons from my ex saying she want to concentrate on her career. Her family won't allow the relationship and at one stage I even heard her ex is back. Even she said after break up if she ever marries someone it will be me and she even changed that after 2 weeks saying she is not sure if she will marry. Then again changed it saying she might see other people so don't blame her.

 

Accepting a break up is easier when there is a honest reason but running around in circles make us hate the dumper. Maybe it is there guilt that they are going to hurt someone prompts them to make up stories but that is immature. And like Nimbus4dt said nobody should select a person like buying a dress or a shiny new thing. There is no respect involved in such case.

  • Like 1
Posted
Nice thread :)) I always wanted to think from both sides since I have dumped someone but not as a mean person I made things clear and she understood it. We just dated for a month and the spark was not there even though we got along well and I realized it. So before making commitments I met her and told that I don't feel a relationship is possible because I don't find that feeling. We dated but never proposed so I thought coming clean is a good thing for both of us.

 

Initially she was angry and annoyed but I expected it I made sure the real reason is delivered properly to her and there is no confusion and I stopped contacting. But after a couple of weeks she messaged me saying she moved on and that she is glad that I was honest. she was sweet enough to come back again and talk. We are good friends

 

I think it is the way we deal with the problem that makes the difference. When i got dumped I got bizarre reasons from my ex saying she want to concentrate on her career. Her family won't allow the relationship and at one stage I even heard her ex is back. Even she said after break up if she ever marries someone it will be me and she even changed that after 2 weeks saying she is not sure if she will marry. Then again changed it saying she might see other people so don't blame her.

 

Accepting a break up is easier when there is a honest reason but running around in circles make us hate the dumper. Maybe it is there guilt that they are going to hurt someone prompts them to make up stories but that is immature. And like Nimbus4dt said nobody should select a person like buying a dress or a shiny new thing. There is no respect involved in such case.

 

one thing I never understood and still don't is people who claim to have an awesome no-strings attached true friendship with their dumper! I just dont get this, I COULD NEVER be friends with someone who chose to reject me.

 

even when you get to the stage of being entirely over them I would still remember all the names they called me and horrible fights we had and I wouldnt want to be friends with a toxic person like that. this does not mean I am not 'over' them, it is the same reason I wouldnt add someone who bullied me in high school as a friend on facebook - why would I want someone like that in my life?

 

and even if it was a 'mutual' breakup I would be aware that simply letting them back into my life my REIGNITE OLD FEELINGS I thought I was over - for example, about a year after being dumped by a woman I thought I was over her but then I saw her walking down the street in the city and she LOOKED GORGEOUS and it made me so sad that I was no longer with her, it opened up old wounds. so even If I was convinced I was over them, I wouldnt risk it.

 

and finally, if you are both over each other and in new relationships, how is your new partner going to feel when they hear you are in contact as a friend with your ex? even if you convince them that you have no ulterior motives, how do they KNOW YOUR EX DOESN'T???

 

So no, I could NEVER be friends with an ex and even if I dont 'hate' them I still want NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, to do with them

  • Like 2
Posted
Nice thread :))

Accepting a break up is easier when there is a honest reason but running around in circles make us hate the dumper. Maybe it is there guilt that they are going to hurt someone prompts them to make up stories but that is immature.

 

Nail on the head!!!! When a dumper is honest and forthright in their reasons, sure it'll hurt like hell but at the end of the day they'd get my respect long term, this in turn could lead to friendship but a very long way down the road.

One who buggers about, spewing lies, falsehoods and every conceivable reason, excuse other than "I don't wish to see you anymore because……"

deserves no respect at all, why on earth do they think they do? They are deluded and as above immature but I guess they don't know any better and seemingly if you get any chance to find out any of their previous history will prove to be 99% repeat cycles. Seemly stuck in the cycle unwilling to learn about their selves and being the insecure needy manipulative people they are!

I know as I have been that person (in a past life!!)

 

To the OP's question, I guess it's up to you, toss a coin!!?? Its up to you to decide which girl you think would offer you what it is you so wish and also what you think you maybe able to offer her!

 

But to the poor girl you let down, best be honest with her, best in the long run in my view!!

Good luck!!

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Posted
Nail on the head!!!! When a dumper is honest and forthright in their reasons, sure it'll hurt like hell but at the end of the day they'd get my respect long term, this in turn could lead to friendship but a very long way down the road.

One who buggers about, spewing lies, falsehoods and every conceivable reason, excuse other than "I don't wish to see you anymore because……"

deserves no respect at all, why on earth do they think they do? They are deluded and as above immature but I guess they don't know any better and seemingly if you get any chance to find out any of their previous history will prove to be 99% repeat cycles. Seemly stuck in the cycle unwilling to learn about their selves and being the insecure needy manipulative people they are!

I know as I have been that person (in a past life!!)

 

To the OP's question, I guess it's up to you, toss a coin!!?? Its up to you to decide which girl you think would offer you what it is you so wish and also what you think you maybe able to offer her!

 

But to the poor girl you let down, best be honest with her, best in the long run in my view!!

Good luck!!

 

 

Here were my choices...

 

a woman who just turned 20. Been talking for a few months. Sweet, funny, and cheerful. Intelligent and very flirty. All Pros. Cons: Constantly goes out to party but not at clubs, at places around the area. Big tip: Party Girl. Shows interest in me but seems to ONLY show interest in me when I ignore her. The minute I pay attention to her she seems weirdly...off put, and that kinda weirded me out, as it reminded me of my ex. Still, her bright appeal was warm. We knew each other when I was going through my issue with the ex and because I wasn't ready to date, I decided to be friends with her, and just a while back, she revealed she had a crush on me. I had liked her because she was really hot but I always wondered why she seemed to drink and go out and lot. The next one:

 

 

An older woman by a few years. Been talking for a few months. We clicked pretty easily. This woman and I have amazing chemistry, as I can talk to her about anything for hours, we can laugh at each other, be honest, though we fight, and her defining quality, maturity. As she's been through her share of bad relationships, her dynamic of said relationship and it's responsibilities are of an "equal partnership" rather than male-female tradition roles that the above person was raised to believe being in the South and all. I like this because I'm a progressive thinker(though there is nothing wrong with traditionalists, I'm just not one) She has shown WAY more interest than this other girl. Cons: Get jealous easily, is a tad bit possessive, reads way too much into things, and is used to getting her way. She said that though she doesn't like it, she some-what LOVES that I put her in her place when she's being bratty. She said she can't explain why. Otherwise, she's a very straightforward person who shows more interest in me in a natural sense.

 

These are my choices. Should I flip a coin?

 

lol.

Posted

Am I the only one who doesn't hate the dumper at all?

I suspect there may have been someone else at the very end but I've done the same in a different relationship. If he did meet someone else that still isn't why we broke up, we had problems.

I don't want contact with him because I think life is too short to pine over someone, but life is too short for hate too.

 

I guess I don't think most dumpers are evil, they are human.

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Posted

I don't hate my ex girlfriend, JBelle.

 

But in the end, the lying and the cheating was the deal-breaker for any future friendship. I would not be friends with someone who constantly does that.

 

Of course, it took me a few months to get to that point where I wasn't vehemently hating my ex, but now that I'm over her, she doesn't seem like the kind of person I desire to be friends with.

 

She's extremely insecure, indecisive, under the thumb of her parents and she's nearing 30, and is a pathological liar.

 

I don't think those are good friend qualities.

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Posted
Am I the only one who doesn't hate the dumper at all?

I suspect there may have been someone else at the very end but I've done the same in a different relationship. If he did meet someone else that still isn't why we broke up, we had problems.

I don't want contact with him because I think life is too short to pine over someone, but life is too short for hate too.

 

I guess I don't think most dumpers are evil, they are human.

 

 

Also, you seem to come off like(and don't take this the wrong way) you might have emotionally or physically cheated in the past(although you might regret it)

 

You said in a previous thread that you have never been single for the past 10 years. You're not going to really get a lot of sympathy from posters because of this.

 

Don't take offense. It's just a different viewpoint from those who did the dumping, and those who got dumped. Someone's gonna get hurt, but how you proceed with it is how you'll be viewed later on.

 

Sadly enough, though there are dumpers who do care about their SO, others, and all too often, most are so wrapped up in the excitement of the new relationship, they become too focused on that to really care and consider the feelings of the ex purely because they got what they wanted so their ex is useless to them now.

 

^Those are the kind of dumpers people here seem to run into the most.

Posted
Sadly enough, though there are dumpers who do care about their SO, others, and all too often, most are so wrapped up in the excitement of the new relationship, they become too focused on that to really care and consider the feelings of the ex purely because they got what they wanted so their ex is useless to them now.

 

^Those are the kind of dumpers people here seem to run into the most.

 

Yeah, the last woman I was involved with most likely fits this description. I don't blame her though, I'm sure she's happy and our chapter is already over so that's that. As for you question jbelle, I do not hate the most recent ex. If there was cheating involved then who knows what I would feel but the more I read stories here on LS, the more "fortunate" I feel about how my breakup turned out.

Posted (edited)
Last night I was put in an awkward position. The woman I was seeing and I agreed that we were not going to see other people anymore.

 

Hours after we made the agreement, a girl I was interested in called and asked me on a date...

 

I opened my mouth to reject it, but then I had a thought, a scary thought I never had...and it went something like this.

 

"If I get rid of this girl, what would happen if the woman I am going to be exclusive with, leaves me, or breaks things off? I will have possibly lost my chance with this girl."

 

And for 5 seconds, I stopped myself and actually thought about it. And when I did, I was actually starting to become insecure, confused, but not cause I was indecisive, but because...I was finitely indecisive...I was literally unwilling to give this girl up because I was afraid by taking the dive without a definite chance, if I crash, I would end up with nothing...

 

That thought became SO scary....that it actually entertained me the thought of playing them both.

 

And that my friends, must be how dumpers feel.

 

Care to explain, you may ask? I'll do my best.

 

Well, when a dumper contemplates the break up, there are a lot of factors that play into it, including the obvious problems, but you know when those problems are REALLY magnified?

 

When someone else, whom you have no history, or a history that is distorted(like the return of an ex) comes around, the newness and the excitement of the pure possibility of a whirlwind romance runs through your head, but not without the realization that with that total excitement comes the huge possibility that it can CRASH just as fast, so without a surefire security plan, there's not much to stand on.

 

I actually STARTED to think that in the moment, and in that said moment, I started to understand my ex.

 

It's a odd combination of excitement and fear. Consider this. Your significant other is amazing in every way possible, and sure, he or she has their flaws, but after a while of getting to know them, you start wondering, of course, if you can have new experiences, sexually and emotionally, with another person purely for curiosity's sake and for the chance to experience life. You don't tell your significant other this because you feel that what you're doing is wrong and shouldn't be natural, so you keep it quiet, that innate desire to explore, to see what other fits are there...but the desire builds up, no matter how much you deny it.

 

Those tiny little arguments between you and your Significant Other? They start subconsciously(or sometimes consciously) becoming bigger deals as your desires for exploration become greater, ESPECIALLY if someone catches your eye. You know this is wrong, but the more this person on the outside gets closer to you, the more the excitement brews because it's like a fairy tale in a sense...the dumper feels that he or she was "trapped" in a loveless relationship where the Significant Other held them prisoner through guilt and self-obligation, which fuels their need to be "free" to pursue a relationship. However, as much as they love the idea of a new relationship, if they were to tell the truth(as I felt when I was telling the other girl that I was seeing someone else) they are afraid that if they take this chance, the other person is more than likely going to move on, and if this relationship crashes, the person will be sad and "alone"

 

^This is IMPORTANT! Cause this is where the lies come in. They start slowing distancing themselves from the Significant Other, but desire a "back door"option in case their true, new pursuit(and the intoxication chase of the "rebound) doesn't work out. They say anything to backdoor themselves back into your life(I was thinking this as I was talking to her and can't believe I was feeling this way after what I went through.) and do so, partially, because they themselves are incredibly insecure and emotionally weak, which would make them weak partners anyway.

 

So they will either lie and pick fights till they are sure this "flaw" is enough to leave on, or the "other person" is secure enough for the jump.

And thus, dumpers drop the bomb in manners of "breaks" "I don't know what I want"'s, and "It's not you, it's me." Oh god knows I've gotten that so many times.

 

But the fact is, regardless of my feelings, I told her the truth and let her go. Did I want to? NO. Cause I felt vulnerable. But would it be fair to her? I'd want her to do the same for me. It was hard, believe me, but it was mature. I may end up regretting it, but at least I know I did what I could to make what we have work.

 

I REALLY liked the woman I was getting to know and I wanted to pursue a committed relationship. She's pretty awesome.

 

Point is, dumpers aren't evil people. It's fine to resent them, but it's much easier to place the blame and hate on them when there's a chance it could have been you in that situation. Learn to forgive them cause they are human. However, if they go through serious lengths to hide the fact, these people are EXTREMELY afraid of being alone and thus would not be loyal, as a lover, and definitely as a friend. Drop them like a bad habit and go strict No Contact.

 

Breaking up is hard to do, give a lot of respect and props to those who handle the breakups maturely and fairly, without tangling up the feelings out of insecurity issues.

 

 

Here's my point.

 

Regardless of whatever the reason, dumpers made a clear decision that was not wrong, but the method in which they go on and break up in such a dirty manner is a clear indication of their own character. No matter the reason, lying and cheating is the ultimate betrayal in any relationship and should be met with a clean break.

 

But don't spit too much venom at dumpers. They are people too.

 

And one day, that might be you in their shoes.

 

 

This has been a Public Service Announcement from Natsume21.

 

*end transmission*

 

I would agree with your thinking but I think there are some complexities to consider (not saying you didn't but maybe I didn't catch the drift).

 

Now to put my thoughts into perspective I have always been the dumpee and never the dumper in the relationship. I can't say I wear that as a pride badge, I should have exited my marriage long before it ended but in the other relationships I was all in.

 

I think there is a difference between dumping or rather opting to focus dating on one person verses being dumped when in an exclusive relationship. If someone is OLDing and has three or four folks they want to get to know that is OK and it is certainly OK if after 2 or 3 dates he knows that he wants to pursue girl #4 and so tells the others thanks but no thanks. Sting? Yes but that is what dating is about. Now, if you are in an exclusive relationship and are suddenly pursued or meet someone out of the blue that you immediately connect with then you must make a decision right then and there because anything past that is tempting fate and is cheating. If your mind goes there that quickly then you need not be in a relationship with your current SO. Sorry, IMHO there is no other way around it. I do understand the dynamics but bottom line if the dumper, well dumps, over someone else then they were lying in the relationship long before the other person meandered by.

Edited by Allumere
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Posted

You summed it up pretty well

 

To be clear, I was not in any serious or even committed relationship

 

These are people im getting to know through online dating and finally meeting.

 

I'm just making arrangements.

Posted

"If your mind goes there that quickly then you need not be in a relationship with your current SO. Sorry, IMHO there is no other way around it. I do understand the dynamics but bottom line if the dumper, well dumps, over someone else then they were lying in the relationship long before the other person meandered by."

 

 

I REALLY LIKE THIS POST.

 

My ex did this. He was already out before he "got out." It is completely wrong to do this to people. Especially to those who love the person a great deal and are under the impression that they are loved a great deal back.

 

People like me who are blindsided this way usually take it pretty hard.

 

It's harder to heal when you are left this way.

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Posted
"If your mind goes there that quickly then you need not be in a relationship with your current SO. Sorry, IMHO there is no other way around it. I do understand the dynamics but bottom line if the dumper, well dumps, over someone else then they were lying in the relationship long before the other person meandered by."

 

THIS. 100%.

 

If you are in a long term relationship, and there is a problem. You handle it so it never becomes a problem.

 

For instance. My ex apparently had been falling out of love for some time, but never tried to address it with me, or "fix" it, or take responsibility for his own actions. When the new person came into the picture, he dropped me like a hot potato, and when he tried to "fix" things around the same time, he never gave me a chance to do better by us because the other person was in the picture and there was nothing I could do.

 

Around the same time, he finally did something to me that gave me real cause for concern, and I had to think long and hard about whether it was worth having a serious conversation about. I had to think about it for two weeks, and, I was in an entirely new environment with lots of potential dates. Other interested folks didn't even cross my mind.

 

This is not fair, and I think if you are in a long term relationship you should respect your partner enough to communicate with them before you feel the need to bail to greener pastures.

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Posted

I haven't seen myself looking for sympathy anywhere on here. But OK. Thing is, I don't even allow myself to have sympathy for myself really. Life happens. You are much younger than me, at your age, if someone dumped me I thought I was going to die. Since having my son and my mom getting a throat cancer (she beat it) diagnosis, this stuff just doesn't seem as serious to me as it used to. I am very very disappointed that my last relationship failed, I really loved him. I don't think there is anything wrong with me not hating him.

 

I am only angry at one ex, he was abusive, to everyone, just horrible. That's it, the rest were all nice. Even this last one.

 

Nope not a cheater, but my first high school sweetheart I broke up with him but in his mind we were still together, I moved on with someone else, quickly, and I feel bad for that, but not before I broke up with him.

 

Don't make assumptions about people.

Posted
THIS. 100%.

 

If you are in a long term relationship, and there is a problem. You handle it so it never becomes a problem.

 

For instance. My ex apparently had been falling out of love for some time, but never tried to address it with me, or "fix" it, or take responsibility for his own actions. When the new person came into the picture, he dropped me like a hot potato, and when he tried to "fix" things around the same time, he never gave me a chance to do better by us because the other person was in the picture and there was nothing I could do.

 

Around the same time, he finally did something to me that gave me real cause for concern, and I had to think long and hard about whether it was worth having a serious conversation about. I had to think about it for two weeks, and, I was in an entirely new environment with lots of potential dates. Other interested folks didn't even cross my mind.

 

This is not fair, and I think if you are in a long term relationship you should respect your partner enough to communicate with them before you feel the need to bail to greener pastures.

 

 

I raise my glass to that.

Posted

#notalldumpers are *******s!

 

But, #yesalldumpees are hurt and need a place to vent. Love Shack, baby!

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Posted
#notalldumpers are *******s!

 

But, #yesalldumpees are hurt and need a place to vent. Love Shack, baby!

 

 

Hey, I'm right here with you. Never said it didn't hurt. And some dumpers deserve their hate and then some. lol

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Posted
Hey, I'm right here with you. Never said it didn't hurt. And some dumpers deserve their hate and then some. lol

 

So true.

 

:D

 

Note to self: dumpers tread lightly on this forum.

Posted
So true.

 

:D

 

Note to self: dumpers tread lightly on this forum.

 

 

Oh ya! I saw one on here. The girl said the guy she dumped was dating a girl that looks like a Victoria's Secret model, it's driving her crazy and she wants him back. She did not get any sympathy lol, dumpees dream come true!

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