How can I move on when I don't know what happened?

[princesspolly1]

If anyone could help shed some light on what went wrong, I would be very thankful. I’ve been struggling the last 3 months to come to terms with the break-up, but I keep getting stuck thinking… why did this happen?

 

I was in a long distance relationship for about 6-8 months. I (F, 23) met an English exchange student (M, 27) last year in New Zealand. We fell madly in love and spent 2 months together before he returned to the UK. For the next four months, we kept up a long distance relationship without a hitch.

 

I then travelled all the way from New Zealand to the UK to visit him for 3 weeks in January. When we said goodbye at the airport, he was devastated, as was I.

 

When I returned home, everything was as it was before. But then, only a few weeks later, I noticed he was pulling away. He was saying, “I love you” and “I miss you” less and less, and I know that college was becoming stressful, but I could tell something was off when I hadn’t heard from him in 3 days.

 

I confronted him, and asked him what was wrong. I then received a text message saying that college – his final year in a difficult degree – is becoming "too much for him to juggle with a serious relationship". He says he can’t afford to come to NZ this year, and that it feels “like a contract”. He tells me if we lived in the same place, things would be completely different. Then at the end of the text message he says he doesn’t want to end things but that I need to relax?

 

I text him back and say OK I understand…. Let’s go our separate ways and reconnect when he's back in NZ. I tell him I thought we were in love. He texts me back saying, things like “You can’t guilt trip me” and then “Don’t pull the plug”.

 

A day later, he sends me an emotional message saying that his heart is breaking and he doesn’t want it to end. Two days later I call him. We talk for half an hour, neither of gets emotional and I try to be understanding and fair. We can’t agree as to what to do – I suggest we see other people and take a step back from the relationship but he doesn’t like the thought of me seeing other people. He says he will call me back the next day once we have cleared our heads.

 

2 MONTHS LATER. No phone call! I have received one text message. I sent him a text asking him for closure and all he said was “I can’t handle what you said to me on the phone”. I guess he referring to my suggestion that we see other people? A week later I sent him a message saying, “I miss you”. No reply. I deleted him on Facebook.

 

I am trying so hard to get over this. But because it was so intense, and unlike anything I have experienced before… I am having a lot of trouble moving on emotionally. I haven’t heard a word for him in 2 months.

 

Does he truly not love me anymore? Why couldn't he say it was over? I said lovely things to him, he couldn't even wish me luck in life? That’s what I’m having trouble coming to terms with. Our love was so strong and intense. We really adored each other and now it’s as though I never existed….

 

Do you think I will hear from him again?

Edited May 29, 2014 by princesspolly1

[learning_slowly]

If somebody was treating me like that, I wouldn't want to be with them. I think you need to look at how you value yourself.

 

Additionally when you are from 2 parts of the world it does provide an extra burden on the relationship e.g. finding the money to visit family etc.

 

So all though it seemed exciting, logically you're better off meeting somebody else.

[bluenote]

Sometimes, for the sake of conclussion and closure, when you ask yourself the why questions and you don't get answers, you could make up several possible scenarios and pick the most suitable one why why why this or that or why not this or that.

 

Here is one: the little intense time may have loving meant different things for each of you. As a man "I love you" may have meant "I just want to have holiday sex with you just for the time I'm here, I want to enjoy my time and have company". For you it may have been the love that you have been waiting on all your life or he just woowed you with his manliness. He felt a little into you but the distance makes persuing you a gruesome and cumbersome task. There is no point. Its best you leave the questions and just accept and try to move on. I think its a blessing in disguise, the fact that he is so far means that you don't have to see him and be reminded, even if you text or use whatever media to try contact him, its not the same effect as seeing someone. The out of sight out of mind situation that broke your fling is the same one that will save you.

 

The scenario, is merely for the context and purpose of making sense in this regard it is not a generalization on charachters of men and or women.

[d0nnivain]

Some people can't handle the distance thing. Since you are never going to get a straight satisfying answer out of him, I'd go with this as an explanation. I would also assume that you will never hear from him again. Nobody knows what fate has in store for the future but don't bet on it. You had an intense relationship but it's over now & time for you to move forward.