Knocking on the door of a break up

[alleeyoop]

I'm going to apologize in advance for being wordy here, I feel like a bit of back story is always needed and I am a (too) deep thinker in general so I tend to talk too much! I'm sorry about that but truly appreciate anyone who bothers to read and respond as I ramble.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two and a half years. He is two years older than I am. I've just turned 22 and have just graduated college. I got a job and live in the same city as him now, which he wanted, but I also did because it is the biggest city in my state = good job opportunities, things to do, etc. Our relationship was hard because it was intertwined randomly with being long distance then not then long distance again the not...haha. And we survived through ~two years of that relationship being in college, part of my sophomore year, my junior and senior year.

 

He works A LOT. His father owns his own company and my boyfriend works insane hours, 5 a.m. to 11 p.m. sometimes or driving to multiple different states in a matter of two days for work. He is the marketing director for the company so also deals with the promo girls. I thought when I moved here I would be seeing him more, but that hasn't really been the case. Tonight, he had a dinner with the promotional girls (saying it was for work) and was supposed to come see me afterwards, but we got in a fight and he told me he didn't want to see me and that I am "knocking on the door of a break up". I am truly in a unique situation because not many (any?) can relate to what I have to deal with as a girlfriend. It's hard barely seeing someone and having them go to dinners and socialize with a lot of women (aka promo girls) and then telling you that they don't want to see you, the day before I have a big interview with another job offer.

 

I try to talk to him about these things and the way that I am feeling, but he doesn't ever want to talk or communicate well. He either: gets defensive, rude, or tries to act like I am unintelligent and overly emotional for trying to have "talks". When we first started dating and for the first 1.5 years we were together all the time and I loved it, he treated me amazingly and would talk things out with me and hated it when I was upset. Honestly, it was the best anyone has ever treated me, and I loved the person he was then...very compassionate and understanding. That's not the case anymore, as I explained before. Before, he always wanted to be with me and we were always together. Now I live 20 min away in the same city and barely see him, and he tried to break up with me tonight because I got angry with them the last couple days for not seeing me.

 

I am having a difficult time with the normal questions/problems people my age have. Student loans, apartment living, on my own now, new job(s), etc. I am from a really small town and now live in one of the bigger cities in the U.S. I love my boyfriend and the thought of breaking up sounds awful. I think I have a future with him, although it is later for the "serious" stuff than I would like. He has changed in how he treats me though, something I have tried and tried to no avail to talk to him about. And some may find it insecure, but the promo girls really bother me.

 

I don't really know what I am looking for here. I would appreciate anything though. Is it time to move on? Does anyone think he actually doesn't want to be with me anymore? Should I even care about any of this? He says he loves me but things that he said tonight (and lately) don't really show that, and actions speak louder than words. I don't know, this is a really open ended conversation and I apologize for that! I try to account for the difficult job that he has, but I'm not sure when is okay and at what point to give up on that part and focus on only me, aka, break up. Is it better to break up now and end it altogether? Or do I wait to see how he is treating me? I understand that I am young and relationship dumb, if anyone wants to hit me on the head with how immature I am being, please don't be afraid to do so. (That was a joke....sort of..)

 

He tells me that he doesn't have a normal job or life, and that I just have to get used to it because it's never going to be normal. I'm feeling over it though, but I am scared to break up because I don't actually want that, but I want him to start treating me better and communicating with me, and making attempts to see me. I really want some guidance or advice.

[Assasda]

Youre gonna have to put your big girl pants on, and get a life of your own.

 

Youre gonna have to find hobbies for yourself, and friends for yourself and stop making most of your life revolve around seeing him.

 

And if you keep on nagging him about that garbage, he just might end it with yoy, because it is insecure, and the stuff about the promo girls are insecure.

-Learn to be emotionally independent and your BF might just like you even more

[alleeyoop]

Not sure where I came off as not having friends or roommates or hobbies, as I have both and fill much of my time with them! Didn't know I needed to outline every part of my day, haha. I just never see my boyfriend. And I have a job of my own....and I just moved here...but thanks for the input, I do appreciate it.

Edited May 29, 2014 by alleeyoop

[alleeyoop]

Thanks guys. I really appreciate it! I think it's just time to end it. It is going to be really hard, but he just doesn't have the time for me anymore. Literally, no time and when he does have free, non-work time he is spending it doing extra work things that are not entirely vital (I can't explain everything here - basically starting a company and a new brand).

 

I don't want to but it's obviously ran it's course - I don't mean to nag at him but it's frustrating never being able to talk to someone or see them even when they do have free time. It just sucks knowing how it used to be and I don't know where it went wrong, kind of seems people here think it's all me which I'm not entirely sure if everything is my fault, haha.

 

Thanks guys.

[alleeyoop]

No No I appreciate what you said! I definitely know I need to work on stuff, and I really do try quite actively to take everything but sometimes everything gets to me and we fight. Like tonight was completely my fault and I know that, and told him so but he still wouldn't come see me.

 

It's such a weird situation! Haha. Since they are building a business and competing w/ some major companies it is only going to get worse. I don't nag him about working too much because that is pretty unfair hah, but there comes a point where he just isn't having the time and maybe the want for a girlfriend anymore. I've been doing the loyal thing since the beginning haha, he worked a lot then and it's only been progressing. I hate to break up with someone over that, but I'm struggling with what's right to do I guess. There's kind of a weird dichotomy over that. I don't want to be the ex girlfriend that broke up with someone for these reasons, but it's getting to an intense point.

Edited May 29, 2014 by alleeyoop

[Gottabestrong]

Unfortunately I think the relationship might have run its course. He does not want to spend time with you, and you are unhappy with him. If you just started dating the answer would be a no-brainer, but since you dated for a long time you hang on to the past and hope it will go back to the way things were. But it does not sound like it will or that he even wants it to.

 

I would try and sit him down and have one more attempt at a meaningful conversation about this. If he again ridicules you, ignores you, gets defensive, etc. I would tell him you are done and this is not working for you anymore. Unfortunately it does not sound like that would upset him at all.

 

Good luck!

[Assasda]

I guarantee that she will not leave him.

-Because he tried to leave you, because you were being neurotic.

Its really rough when you dont have enough relationship maturity to take advice

 

Please post here when you break up with him.

I want to be proven wrong

[alleeyoop]

Hi Assasda, I'm not really sure what you are saying is helpful. You don't know me or the entire situation, I came on here just being very rambly, I needed to vent more than anything and I definitely did not disclose everything. You can say that I am immature, because hell, I'm young and working lots of **** out. But that doesn't mean I'm not worthy of advice or help.

 

As I said, I appreciate everyones advice but I'm not looking to be disrespected or criticized by you.

 

Your advice was to basically leave it alone and "my boyfriend might like me even more". Now you are saying that I won't take advice to break up with him? At the end of the day I was seeking guidance, what I choose to take and not to take is my choice and does not mean I am immature. Again, you do not know many of the details so before you claim that I will not make a decision or that my boyfriend wants to leave me because I am neurotic, please think again. Funny because you have no idea the way he talks to me or treats me with the little time he has. I had hoped people take everything here with a grain of salt knowing that they are not aware of the nuances of a particular private relationship. Being kind goes a long way and I attempted to be as honest as possible in my first post in order to not favor myself and make him look like the REALLY bad guy like a lot of posts I see.

 

And I definitely will not do that, as my life is not fodder for a bored day. If anyone else would like to post with similar experiences or advice, esp. of being with someone who works this much (70+ hour weeks) I would love to hear! This is not a normal "Ugh I'm sad my boyfriend works 9-5". No. He works, literally, all of the time. I rarely see him. Whereas some people have the time to make ~800+ message posts on a message board in a matter of a year.

Edited May 29, 2014 by alleeyoop

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Alley,

I suggest you add the previous poster to your ignore list. It will save you a lot of grief.

 

 

Good luck!