Monogamous. To be, or not to be?

[SolG]

Do you think that sexual monogamy is a necessary component for a relationship to be successful? LOTS of folk say it's not mandatory and that if the partners involved are ok with non-monagamy, then that's all good. However, most of those same folk will then go on to qualify by saying that while it's ok for others, they personally insist on monogamy in their own relationships.

 

I'm interested; why do so many think consensual non-monogamy is ok for others, but do not believe it's ok in their own relationships? Where do you stand on this for your relationships? What do you think in general?

 

Also, is a conversation about your views on monogamy (along with other sexual expectations) out on the table when you get into a more serious relationship... or do you just assume you're both on the same page regarding sex?

 

Soooooo curious and can't wait to hear all your views!

[Els]

I don't believe it's necessary for everyone. A few people do make polygamy work, but in those cases EVERYONE is on board and makes an informed decision to go along with it - not affairs.

 

I believe consensual polygamy can be potentially ok for others and not for me, because we're all different people.

[ja123]

I've never been in an "open" kind of relationship, but it's something I'm "open" to discussing!

[Grumpybutfun]

I suppose I'm the same, to each their own, but I expect and want more. I was rather industrious about sex before my wife, very willing to do the deed but without much feeling involved. When I found the person I wanted to spend my life with, we automatically wanted monogamy and commitment and exclusive rights in all areas of the relationship. It is a primitive feeling, but she is mine, end of discussion.

G

[iiiii]

It would not suit me, but I don't think it's wrong (so long as everyone in the relationship wants the same thing).

 

There's no conflict between saying something is OK (i.e. not wrong), but that you wouldn't do it yourself. Different things suit different people.

 

Same as being gay - there's nothing at all wrong with being gay, but it doesn't mean that I am OK with being in a gay relationship myself, because it's just not my thing.

 

I have never needed to have the discussion with a boyfriend or partner - it's just understood. I guess by the time I'm dating someone, I know them well enough to know their feelings about monogomy.

[Targetlock]

certainly not my style, I'm a one woman man and will stay that way plus i doubt i would want to share.

[ASG]

I know a couple in an open relationship. The're married, have a kid and it's not unusual to see them going off with someone else. I think it's great.

 

I don't think I'd be able to deal with it though... I don't like sharing. Even now, with my FWB, where things are at the moment, I'd be sad if I found out he was seeing other people. And I am deliberately not seeing other people, even though we haven't really talked about exclusivity.

[iris219]

I find it difficult to believe that an open relationship could last. Most relationships don't last, but I think when you throw in other people, they are even more likely to fail.

 

Also, sleeping with others is not my definition of a successful relationship, so people in open relationships or those who cheat do not, in my opinion, have a successful relationship.

 

I also find it hard to believe that both people in an open relationship are entirely OK with it all the time. What are the chances that both people are never jealous or uncomfortable? I think it would only work if these people are staying together for reasons like the children or money and are more friends than lovers, but that's not a successful relationship either (at least not one I'd want).

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm with grumps on this, to each their own.

 

I'm a very open and liberal thinking woman and have come a long way from my Catholic school-girl days when it comes to sex and sexuality.

 

I truly believe that it's different for everyone. Some people are just better and happier not being monogamous while others can't live without it.

 

For me, when I re-entered the dating world after 20 years of marriage, I felt like a kid in a candy shop and wanted to date as many men as I could without the constraints of a relationship. I also played quite a bit with men online and other less conventional forms of play that I don't need to get into right now. It was "fun" while it lasted but I realized pretty quickly that THAT was not what I wanted or who I was deep down. (And if I'm honest, it was exhausting trying to keep up!!! )

 

In the end, I reconciled with the fact that at my core, I am a relationship girl and am much better one-on-one. I am NOT into sharing or being shared no matter the circumstances. That's just who I am and I happily own it. Any man that wants time with me has to be on the same page otherwise I have no interest in pursuing anything more romantic.

 

Whatever floats your boat as long as everyone on board knows what direction the boat is floating in.

[notserene]

It's fine to date around if that's what you want. Most people seem to want to pair off and have one person who is there for them all the time. That conflicts with the desire to have sex with others outside the relationship.

 

Having an "open marriage" seems like it would create all kinds of problems and it would take some pretty tough people (IMO) to negotiate it successfully.

 

You would have to find non-primary partners (is that the term?) who were OK with it and who could stay inside whatever boundaries were set.

[ThaWholigan]

I think I could function in an open relationship - I don't get sexually jealous - but I'd have to find someone who also doesn't. It would probably be something to discuss first so that both parties know what the relationship will be. But I'm very flexible in this regard. I would prefer monogamy overall, but I am open (pun intended). I did date a girl who was interested in this.

 

I certainly think an open relationship can work depending on who's involved and the relative compatibility. Is it for me? I'd have to try it first - chances are I will end up in a monogamous relationship anyway - not a lot of women like to share

[central]

I've never believed monogamy was necessary or even desirable since my early teens. However, my first marriage was monogamous, because my partner wasn't okay with anything else (too bad, since it was a largely sexless marriage).

 

In this relationship, we share the same views that monogamy is fine for those who want it, and responsible non-monogamy is fine for those who want that instead. We talked about this early on, and later discussed it in depth and decided how it would work if we pursued it.

 

Early in our dating, we entered into a polyamorous relationship that lasted about a year with her bf, and several years with my gf. A few years after that, we got into swinging (which we do together) and she offered me a semi-open relationship (she was happy with just the swinging, but I was free to have other relationships if I found someone and wanted to pursue it, which I did for two years).

 

We are open to another poly relationship or a FWB for me should the opportunity arise, but for now we're content with occasional swinging. Eventually as we get older, we expect we'll be monogamous - unless we've found a lasting poly relationship.

 

So, responsible non-monogamy (with periods of monogamy) has worked very well for us for over 14 years. We're good with either, because we're delighted with each other - adding other people adds some spice and variety which is a lot of fun, and potentially an extended loving relationship will develop someday.

[dichotomy]

Only dishonesty or broken commitments matter....what ever else works for a couple is no business of mine.

 

However I would say it must take some very rare characteristics to make the various alternative relationships work. Extreme confidence self esteem in oneself, lack of jealousy, and/or very strong core connection with your primary partner and just viewing others as sex toys or workout partners...or maybe just viewing you relationship as something else other than sexual and keeping it for those other things - and getting sex elsewhere (mutual agreement)

[central]

Only dishonesty or broken commitments matter....what ever else works for a couple is no business of mine.

 

However I would say it must take some very rare characteristics to make the various alternative relationships work. Extreme confidence self esteem in oneself, lack of jealousy, and/or very strong core connection with your primary partner

 

Yes, absolutely the case with us, though relationship confidence (and strong core connection), and lack of jealousy would be more accurate.

 

and just viewing others as sex toys or workout partners...or maybe just viewing you relationship as something else other than sexual and keeping it for those other things - and getting sex elsewhere (mutual agreement)

 

Absolutely NOT! These partners are usually close friends, and remain so even if the sexual aspect ends. In poly situations, they are loved like the primary partner, although there will usually be some differences in intensity or priority.

 

That said, it may be more the way you say in some swinging situations, especially if you don't see those partners again (and the attitude is usually mutual), but some swinging partners are also lasting friends. For us, at least, there is always the hope of developing a lasting friendship, but even when that does not happen, they are still people with feelings and deserving of respect and consideration.

 

My comments on your post are in bold, above.

[MissBee]

Do you think that sexual monogamy is a necessary component for a relationship to be successful? LOTS of folk say it's not mandatory and that if the partners involved are ok with non-monagamy, then that's all good. However, most of those same folk will then go on to qualify by saying that while it's ok for others, they personally insist on monogamy in their own relationships.

 

I'm interested; why do so many think consensual non-monogamy is ok for others, but do not believe it's ok in their own relationships? Where do you stand on this for your relationships? What do you think in general?

 

Also, is a conversation about your views on monogamy (along with other sexual expectations) out on the table when you get into a more serious relationship... or do you just assume you're both on the same page regarding sex?

 

Soooooo curious and can't wait to hear all your views!

 

 

I think monogamy is a choice (although research has show that mate-guarding behaviors seems to be a natural trait across human societies).

 

That said: I think some people are more naturally monogamous than others. I think more people probably mate-guard and are more inclined to be with one person at a time, while others fall outside of that tendency and are less monogamous.

 

If you are the type who feels less monogamous and that is your comfort zone, I don't see anything wrong with dating/marrying others who feel the same then coming to an agreement about consensual non-monogamy. The reason it isn't okay for me is because I am naturally a monogamous person and prefer the same in a partner. But just because that is my preference doesn't mean I think it is the only choice and that others who have a different inclination should still do as I do.

 

It's like any other relationship choice: to have children, to take your spouse's name, to be monogamous...all those things are dependent on the couple and what their values are and what is comfortable to them. I have my own preferences, desires and values that dictate what my choice in those things are but I don't think everyone has to subscribe to them...so long as you are not hurting anyone or deceiving them into going along with your selfish wishes, then it's all good, even if it's not my choice.

[Shepp]

Do you think that sexual monogamy is a necessary component for a relationship to be successful?

100%.

If other folks supposedly make it work then they supposedly make it work but my honest opinion is that is frankly ridiculous. Well, at the very least there is no place for anything but monogamy in a relationship I'm in! Other folks can do what they want

 

I'm interested; why do so many think consensual non-monogamy is ok for others, but do not believe it's ok in their own relationships?

To be really really honest I personally find it, not okay! If someone told me that's how there relationship was id think that.. sleazy.

BUT when pus comes to shove there relationship is really none of my concern. Live and let live.

 

Where do you stand on this for your relationships?

Monogamy or nothing.

 

Also, is a conversation about your views on monogamy (along with other sexual expectations) out on the table when you get into a more serious relationship... or do you just assume you're both on the same page regarding sex?

Not really....I guess I just tend to assume everyone would feel the same about it as me, but then ive never really got into a serious relationship of any kind with someone he didn't know me well already, and anyone who knows me well would know it would be monogamy or nothing.

I guess if there was any doubt on that then id lay it out clear as you like to the girl in question.....though if there was any doubt that she wasn't as 100% solid on monogamy and loyalty as me then I doubt we'd ever of evn got to that point. I think id run at the first sign of that.

[MissBee]

Forgot to answer the part about when I'm dating/entering a relationship:

 

Before I enter any kind of serious relationship, especially because I've been an OW and have also been around cheating and don't respect it and don't want that as part of my life, I am sure to ask about a potential partner's views on monogamy and fidelity and even before asking I make sure to listen and pay attention to things that clue me in on their values/beliefs about the subject. I don't assume though. I speak about it frankly and with my current bf that's what we did. Things he said while getting to know each other revealed his feelings as well: he talked about wanting marriage, being a one woman guy, never cheating on anyone before and not seeing himself doing it, we were watching something on polygamy and he commented that he couldn't be bothered with more than one wife as it seemed stressful and he simply didn't have enough hours in his day for it, he also made comments about not understanding where men find the time and money to cheat as he works too much and doesn't want to spend his money or free time on more than one woman and he can't imagine how he'd manage to do it ....so all those things clued me in on his personal feelings about monogamy but we had the exclusive talk and it was reiterated.

Edited May 29, 2014 by MissBee