Husband expects me to do his personal grooming

[Lindamayes]

Posting here, as I am at a loss as to how to handle this and this must be sounding so weird.

 

We have been married 19 years, have two children who are in their teens. We love each other a lot, and have had out ups and downs over the years, and have managed to work out our issues. My husband is handsome, kind, loving and understanding most of the time and he does help around the house too. We both have careers, and can afford little luxuries of life. (We have come from humble backgrounds and worked hard to be where we are today). our sex life, even after 19 years is great. (touchwood!)

 

Now here is the thing---For the last two years or so, my husband has nose hair growing out of his nostril. He is well-groomed and well dressed and quite conscious of this. So I got him a nose hair trimmer, which he refuses to use, saying that it cuts his skin. I offered to buy another one. He expects me to trim his nose hair with scissors, as he says it hurts less. He keeps asking--once or twice i have obliged but I find is GROSS. I have explained to him that i do not like doing it and yet he insists on asking. If I refuse, he usually gets mad.

 

It is the same with his hair-dye. he expects me to apply the dye, and will keep asking till I oblige. If I refuse, he usually gets angry and worked up. A couple of times, I have asked him to go to a salon and get it done.(It is not as though we cannot afford it).

 

How in the world do I make him understand that I do not like to do his personal grooming for him? It is something he must take care of himself. I have explained many times, and yet he persists in asking me and sees my refusal as a sign that I don't love him.

 

Please advise.

[Eivuwan]

This seems quite odd. It seems that despite the fact that your marriage is going well overall, your husband has some insecurities still. The only thing I can think of is that his mom groomed him while growing up and he associates it with love. Besides, sometimes when people are being unreasonable and get angry, just let them get angry. If the marriage is strong, I think he would get over it eventually.

[2sunny]

When he gets grey hair and nose hairs hanging down to his lip he might get desperate enough to go and find a professional to take care of him.

 

Giving in just makes him think if he begs you will do it.

 

Help him find a good stylist or barber. Heck, he might like it - he can get a nice shave while he's there.

[Lindamayes]

Thank you for your reply.

 

Yes, you are right when you say that he has his insecurities. He is possessive and jealous by nature. Many a time, over the last 19 years, I have been accused of having affairs. Have cut off from a few male friends because my husband does not like them.

Over the years I have made him understand, and he too agrees that he needs to control his jealousy. So we have managed to work around that.

 

Basically I think he thinks that it really isn't that much of a demand if he asks me to trim his nose-hair and he cannot understand why am I refusing to do it.

 

Maybe I should firmly refuse it each time that he asks, so that he is forced to do it himself?

 

Once or twice, when i pointed out that the hair needs to be trimmed, he says 'But you don't do it for me'.

 

He lost his mom at 21, and he was the baby of the family. He used to adore his mom. Wondering if it has anything to do with that.

 

Why can't a person who is 47 just do his own grooming?!

[whichwayisup]

I have explained many times, and yet he persists in asking me and sees my refusal as a sign that I don't love him.

 

He's acting like a man-child and is manipulating you. There's no reason why he can't go to the barber and get his hair dyed there and they can clip in nose hairs, ear hairs too. Sure, once in a blue moon you can trim his hairs but not all the time. How often does he need it done? Every few days, or every few weeks?

 

You should (as a joke) ask him to help you put a tampon in during your time of the month. See how he reacts!

 

Anyway, I don't like hearing that he is measuring your love for him vs what you do for him on a pruning level.

[CC12]

Question. Do you ask him or expect him or hint at him to color his hair and trim his nose hairs? Does he even care about it enough to do it himself? If you're the one asking him to do these things, you ought to help him out a bit (or a lot.)

 

That doesn't necessarily mean that you do it yourself, but maybe you can find a nice unisex day spa or salon you can both go to and make a day out of it. I can imagine some men would feel weird going into these places (especially alone) and might feel unwelcome or out of place. Show him that it's really not that intimidating and he may feel comfortable enough to go on his own next time. Or maybe you can find someone to come to your house to style him. Or whatever. There are lots of ways you can help without actually doing it yourself.

 

But I can't help but keep thinking...helping him trim his nose hair might take one minute, tops. Is this something you really want to butt heads over? Yeah, it's gross. But someday you might end up having to help him wipe his ass or blow his nose or eat porridge out of a straw, god forbid. That's kind of what you sign up for in a marriage. And one could argue that he's physically capable of doing this himself so he doesn't need help, but it's a partnership. There are things that I'm perfectly physically capable of doing, but since I have a partner who is better at these things, I like to let him take over these responsibilities.

 

For example, I hate taking my car to the mechanic. I feel that I've been majorly taken advantage of by them in the past because I'm a lady and they think I don't know anything about cars (and they'd be right, I pretty much don't know anything about cars.) So I like that my partner takes care of all my car problems. Yes, I should man up and learn about cars and how to deal with mechanics, but I see this as one of the perks of a good relationship. We make up for each other's shortcomings by helping each other.

 

Still, though, if this is non-negotiable for you, and you want nothing to do with his imperfect hair growth, tell him once and for all that you're not going to do it because it is not your responsibility to groom him. As a previous poster said, just let him get angry. This is how you assert boundaries. If your answer is no, then he needs to accept it.

[aussietigerwolf]

Id be fine with it if I asked him to trim but otherwise id ask if he needed me to wipe his butt too.

[Candy_Pants]

My H has to paint my toes, and soon will learn how to shave my legs.

 

So I'm sorry, but what's the problem with nose hair and hair dye??

 

Seems like people who care for one another can SHOW it in small ways, such as acts of service.

[SolG]

My H has to paint my toes, and soon will learn how to shave my legs.

 

So I'm sorry, but what's the problem with nose hair and hair dye??

 

Seems like people who care for one another can SHOW it in small ways, such as acts of service.

 

Oh Candy, I remember getting to that stage of pregnancy where I couldn't shave my own legs anymore. I let my xH do it once. I found it so incredibly harrowing i chose to be pipe cleaner like until I gave birth!

 

Hey OP :-) Like some of the others have said, some people see acts of service as an expression of love. Some in fact see it as a primary expression. Maybe you should ask him what it is that really upsets him when you refuse? And what he thinks the underlying message is of your refusal? I kinda doubt this is really all just about nose hair and hair dye :-/

[d0nnivain]

Maybe he sees these actvities as a way you two can bond. It takes real intimacy to perform grooming activities for a mate. It might not only be about making you do something for him. Have you ever asked him why he prefers you to do these things rather than doing them himself or paying a professional?

[iris219]

He sounds lazy.

 

I suspect the nose hair trimming and hair dye are things he likes when they are done, but is too lazy to do them himself. Also, some men don't like the idea of paying someone else to do their grooming, especially when you can do it for him.

 

Tell him you love him, but not like a child. Tell him doing these thing for him makes you feel like his mother and makes you not want sex.

[WrinkledForehead]

I agree that this is a "pick your battles" type of situation. I'm in the camp that feels that acts of service are a way of expressing love, and it seems as if this is pretty important to your partner.

 

Perhaps he needs some help. Does he know nose hair trimmers aren't supposed to be inserted in the nose? They're for trimming the excess hair on which protrudes externally. Maybe some guidance and a gentle lesson as you do it for him (meaning, talk to him about the steps you take to ensure he's not being cut) may be what he needs to learn to start doing it by himself.

 

As for hair dying, it can be really difficult to see certain areas when doing it alone. I can understand the need for assistance.

 

If these truly are issues which make your stomach churn, then you need to discuss that in a moment when he's not asking you to do these things, and explore alternatives. Otherwise, it really just doesn't seem worth the argument.

[GorillaTheater]

Oh Candy, I remember getting to that stage of pregnancy where I couldn't shave my own legs anymore. I let my xH do it once. I found it so incredibly harrowing i chose to be pipe cleaner like until I gave birth!

 

 

Hey OP :-) Like some of the others have said, some people see acts of service as an expression of love. Some in fact see it as a primary expression. Maybe you should ask him what it is that really upsets him when you refuse? And what he thinks the underlying message is of your refusal? I kinda doubt this is really all just about nose hair and hair dye :-/

 

Yeah, me too. The hair dye thing doesn't strike me as particularly odd, but the nose hair thing sure does (speaking as an older man who, to his dismay, has to clip those things periodically, and who never even thought about asking his wife to do it for him).

 

It's not laziness, I think. There's something else at work and it's worth a discussion.

[Lindamayes]

Thank you all for your perspectives.

 

CC12: yes--if he was in a situation where I had to physically take care of him, because of an illness I might. Or likely that I would get professional help--people who are trained to do such things, like a home nurse and supervise them. And no--I am not asking him to dye his hair. He wants to do it himself, as he hates his greys. he asks me to yank out one odd white hair from eye brow which I don't mind doing. But nose hair repulses me.

 

Candypants: Anything voluntary, done willingly is fine. But when forced, and you do it even though you do not like it because the other person will create a scene--then that's not okay.

 

Iris219: Yes--I think you are perfectly right. I think he hates the thought of paying for it, when I can do it for him. And you are so right when you say that it takes the romance out.

 

Wrinkledforehead: i guess different people express love in different ways. I would feel loved if he made an effort and took me out. (he never does plan anything. he likes to come home and vegetate in front of the television) I would also like it if he told me I looked beautiful. I have told this to him too. And yes, I have showed him videos which demonstrate how to use the nose-hair trimmer.

 

Gorillatheatre: I too would never even dream of asking my partner to do it for me. I don't ask him to epliate my legs!

[SoleMate]

Barbers get paid for this sort of thing. Perhaps you could lovingly drive him to the barber and hover over the chair lovingly while the work is getting done. Or take him out to lunch afterwards.

[Lindamayes]

Maybe he sees these actvities as a way you two can bond. It takes real intimacy to perform grooming activities for a mate. It might not only be about making you do something for him. Have you ever asked him why he prefers you to do these things rather than doing them himself or paying a professional?

 

I would prefer bonding in ways that do not involve personal grooming!

I guess I am romantic at heart. I would go the extra mile to look good for a partner. When you are dating you won't even dream of asking your girl-friend to do it for you. I guess a little bit of 'taken-for-granted' attitude is at play here.

[Mr. Lucky]

if he was in a situation where I had to physically take care of him, because of an illness I might.

Interesting that you say "I might". Most spouses would hope you'd say "I would".

But nose hair repulses me.

Why not split the difference? Tell him you'll help with the hair dye but the nose is a non-starter...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lindamayes]

Interesting that you say "I might". Most spouses would hope you'd say "I would".

 

The second part of my sentence said 'Or I might hire a care giver'. This is a hypothetical situation unlikely to occur, and what i would do depends again hypothetically of how fit I am myself! hence the use of the word 'might'. Hope this clarifies.

 

Why not split the difference? Tell him you'll help with the hair dye but the nose is a non-starter...

 

Mr. Lucky

Yes--I did. My point is we can afford to get it done at a salon! hence perplexed..trying to understand his logic.

[iiiii]

Iris219: Yes--I think you are perfectly right. I think he hates the thought of paying for it, when I can do it for him. And you are so right when you say that it takes the romance out.

 

Maybe this is exactly what you need to say to him.

 

He is probably wondering why you won't help him, and maybe thinking you're uncaring and selfish. You can sort of see it from his perspective if you try. After all, it is only a very small active of service objectively - it would be no big deal to most people, it only takes 2 minutes out of your day, and he probably does lots of things for you.

 

Objectively, he might be right. But if it grosses you out, then I think it is a big deal. We can't always help our emotional reactions to things, and I believe it's the responsibility of both partners to try to keep the romance and attraction alive in a relationship. If cutting his nose hairs is killing your attraction to him, he needs to know this - and I think he needs to stop asking you to do it.

[crederer]

well the good news is that this is about as minor of an issue as they come.

 

Just tell him you find it gross and refuse to do it. If he gets grumpy about it that's his problem.