Emotional Discipline After Break-Up

[manna25]

Hi guys,

 

I'm coming out of a fairly toxic on/off again involvement and pretty resolute about it remaining off this time. It was never really a cleanly defined relationship and as a result my ex would stop speaking to me, seeing other women (while still expecting monogamy from me), and be generally unaccountable for being a jerk. There were other issues but that's neither here or there; I'm mainly seeking advise/ support/ tips to ensure I get over it this time. One of my problems is that I've also coped with depression for most of my life and while I've gotten a lot better at dealing with and overcoming it for the most part, break-ups tend to be major catalysts for depressive thought patterns for me. This particular relationship was basically like breaking up over and over again, so I've been effectively under this cloud for nearly two years.

 

I have a job, school, hobbies and other priorities I need to and should be focusing on but I get derailed every time he comes and goes out of my life. Unfortunately, I'm also largely to blame because I'm the one who keeps contacting him and obsessively checking his Facebook. It's a strange masochistic compulsion I have whenever I get emotional, even though I know it will never work out between us (and in all honesty, I don't even think I want it to after the crap he's put me through). But it's still hard for me to hate him because I know he's kind of in the same boat as me. If he was happy and moved on, it would be a lot easier for me to abide by the No Contact rule, and get over it. We both get lonely and fall back into the same pattern even though I think we understand that it brings out the worst in us and we end up hurt.

 

Basically what I need is some advice on how to maintain my composure and self-discipline the next time I feel weak and depressed and want to torture myself by cyberstalking him or sending out a text that will go ignored.

 

Thanks in advance for your empathy.

Edited May 29, 2014 by manna25

[David87]

You're not in the same boat with him because he has sex with other girls, gets huge ego boosts and you cry alone at home. Start NC because there's no other way.

[jbelle6]

For me blocking on Facebook was the most important.

Emails or texts if he sent them wouldn't provoke me, but Facebook stuff is really not good.

 

I take Wellbutrin and love it.

 

Exercise and eat well! MAKE yourself exercise, it's such a mood lifter.

 

Find a TV series you missed and watch it in marathons.

 

Books help me.

 

I post a lot on here, I find it really fun.

 

I Facebook snooped, not on this ex EVER but I did snoop on all my old ones and just remembered how I felt I would NEVER LIVE WITHOUT THEM, but I did. LOL

 

I love to cook so done a lot of new recipes, want to take some classes. So think of what you like to do.

 

 

It's so hard. And one day is ok, then the next is hell, but each day he pops in my mind less and less. I have to keep busy and keep on. I am getting in great shape, I see changes even after 3 weeks. I'm going to get my hair done and do spa days as well. You can even do those at home inexpensively with nice music and even make your own sugar scrubs and stuff. Sounds trivial and silly but it just helps to be doing SOMETHING.

[jbelle6]

You're not in the same boat with him because he has sex with other girls, gets huge ego boosts and you cry alone at home. Start NC because there's no other way.

 

 

Ain't that the truth.

 

I know mine is thinking nothing of me, so contacting him, checking his facebook, making a fool out of myself, what's the point?

 

I think I'm doing well because I never went into denial. When he said he didn't know if he was in love with me, I realized this has gone on WAY longer than I thought and I know when I've felt that way about someone, there was no going back for me, so I always assumed he'd be the same.

 

As soon as he was done breaking up with me, I went No Contact and I didn't even know what no contact was lol. Not until after I found here.

[David87]

Ain't that the truth.

 

I know mine is thinking nothing of me, so contacting him, checking his facebook, making a fool out of myself, what's the point?

 

I think I'm doing well because I never went into denial. When he said he didn't know if he was in love with me, I realized this has gone on WAY longer than I thought and I know when I've felt that way about someone, there was no going back for me, so I always assumed he'd be the same.

 

As soon as he was done breaking up with me, I went No Contact and I didn't even know what no contact was lol. Not until after I found here.

 

He manipulates the OP in to thinking that he suffers from depression to, but trust me he doesn't.

 

Block him on FB and all social media, delete his number and come here every time you feel the need to break NC.

[manna25]

Thank you guys for your responses. Silly question, how do I "like" a comment?

 

I understand where both of you are coming from and am cognitively on the same page. I've even been pretty good about healthier practices and self care since that's part of living with depression as it is (I'm particularly careful about it since antidepressants aren't helpful for me).

 

But it's more the sporadic moments of intense emotions that I'm seeking a good way to distract myself from. I get so overwhelmed by them that all my resolve and efforts kind of evaporate and I turn into this pathetic, sad person. Contacting him and/or peeking into his life feels compulsory. Any advice on coping with those moments until this stage passes?

 

I can be a real scab picker and in trying to see the best in people I've allowed (and perpetuated) some pretty unhealthy, exploitive relationships in the past. I've recognized it in myself for years but I'm having trouble shaking it on my own and feel burdensome to my friends.

 

Appreciate your support and input!

[me85]

Hi manna!

 

Your story and my story are very similar.

 

Unfortunately he doesn't care for you enough sweetie.

 

We get so wrapped up in "Do they love me? Do they care??" He or she may but the real question is, do they care for us/love us enough?

 

If he did, he wouldn't run to other women. He wouldn't hurt you that way. Period.

 

Bow out gracefully. Cry, go through all the worst feelings that follow BUs but do it without contacting him.

 

After reading your thread, he is not someone who deserves your tears anyway.

 

THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

[me85]

Thank you guys for your responses. Silly question, how do I "like" a comment?

 

I understand where both of you are coming from and am cognitively on the same page. I've even been pretty good about healthier practices and self care since that's part of living with depression as it is (I'm particularly careful about it since antidepressants aren't helpful for me).

 

But it's more the sporadic moments of intense emotions that I'm seeking a good way to distract myself from. I get so overwhelmed by them that all my resolve and efforts kind of evaporate and I turn into this pathetic, sad person. Contacting him and/or peeking into his life feels compulsory. Any advice on coping with those moments until this stage passes?

 

I can be a real scab picker and in trying to see the best in people I've allowed (and perpetuated) some pretty unhealthy, exploitive relationships in the past. I've recognized it in myself for years but I'm having trouble shaking it on my own and feel burdensome to my friends.

 

Appreciate your support and input!

.

 

Awww HUGZ!

 

I'm the same way. I obsess & obsess & obsess...it's awful!

 

You will get to a point (on your own) where you are just tired of obsessing and will stop doing it. LOL

 

You'll think about him from time to time, of course, but then you'll shrug those shoulders of yours and re-direct your thoughts...to the tv or something going on around you.

 

I won't lie, there's no easy way through this. You have to let go in a way that's comfortable for you.

 

I do it by just focusing on life. Just everyday normal things.

 

To each his own.

 

I too, suffer from depression so it's a double whammy for me as well.

 

Be around people as much as possible if it helps. I have to really watch myself though because I prefer to be alone, especially during hard times but I can take it to the extreme by completely pushing people away and closing myself off from the outside world. I get to feeling like, "Well I interact with people at work, so it's ok to go home and just be with my dog." haha

 

It's not exactly the best medicine though.

 

Also, no matter how badly you want to know what they're up to, do not look at their social media. Or their new GFs either. (if they have one)

 

This is crucial to your progress. It only sets you further back and you literally have to start healing all over again if you see something that hurts you.

Edited May 29, 2014 by me85

[manna25]

I tend to hermit when I get down as well. I'm trying hard not to fall into the same patterns but he's a lot for me to get over. I was sincerely in love and the fact that we never even got to properly be together is one of the reasons I find it so difficult. It looms like a big question mark in my head and I end up torturing myself.

 

I was miserable and distracted all day today but I didn't contact him. I did check his Facebook though and the other girl he was seeing on and off, and I'm fairly certain they're on again. But at least I didn't embarrass myself any further. :-/

[me85]

You are a completely normal person.

 

You're feelings are completely normal feelings.

 

He is not the last guy you're ever going to love.

 

I promise you will get through this & come out nothing but stronger & wiser.

 

I'm here for ya anytime. (=

[writergal]

He's toxic to your well-being. You know this...yet you take the breadcrumbs of false hope he feeds you every so often when he's in between dating other women. He's manipulated you for so long he knows you'll be there waiting for him.

 

He's only a lot for you to get over because you haven't allowed yourself to get over him. Once you decide you deserve better treatment, his breadcrumbs of false hope won't be enough to satisfy your need for true emotional intimacy, respect and a balanced relationship.

 

Imagine he suddenly decides you are the one and he wants you to be with him right now. Would you drop everything in your life just because he wants you to? How is that fair to you exactly?

 

Stop torturing yourself about the "what if's" with this guy. There are no "what ifs'" with health relationships, because both people want the same thing from each other at the same time.

 

Until you delete and block him on Facebook and delete him from your life, I don't think you will be able to get over this guy. There are other single, emotionally available men out there who won't keep you on hold, in limbo like this guy. But that is up to you. If you aren't ready to let him go, then I don't think you will ever see that there are better choices out there for you to date.

 

It's such a cliche but time heals all wounds. The whole "no contact" thing should be tweaked to the individual. In your case, since you admit to obsessing over his Facebook and whatever else, I think its in your best interest to leave him alone for both your sake.

 

I tend to hermit when I get down as well. I'm trying hard not to fall into the same patterns but he's a lot for me to get over. I was sincerely in love and the fact that we never even got to properly be together is one of the reasons I find it so difficult. It looms like a big question mark in my head and I end up torturing myself.

 

I was miserable and distracted all day today but I didn't contact him. I did check his Facebook though and the other girl he was seeing on and off, and I'm fairly certain they're on again. But at least I didn't embarrass myself any further. :-/

[jbelle6]

YES, 3 weeks here and I do not think of him hardly at all.

I don't see him on facebook or my phone or email or anywhere.

That's why I'm doing well, still get pangs, don't get me wrong, but very very manageable. I don't know why some of you all torture yourselves. I would be back to square one if I looked. Don't do it.

 

I have a Facebook page that I have another account I use just for that if I wanted to snoop on mine, but I know I would be devastated if I saw something bad. Then it would be back to square one.

Edited May 30, 2014 by jbelle6

[crazybestie101]

YES, 3 weeks here and I do not think of him hardly at all.

I don't see him on facebook or my phone or email or anywhere.

That's why I'm doing well, still get pangs, don't get me wrong, but very very manageable. I don't know why some of you all torture yourselves. I would be back to square one if I looked. Don't do it.

 

I have a Facebook page that I have another account I use just for that if I wanted to snoop on mine, but I know I would be devastated if I saw something bad. Then it would be back to square one.

 

Kudos to you for controlling the temptation , i snooped him a lot since he never blocked me on anything. Saw one picture of him with girl ( devastated) which turned out to be his friend. Then saw him chasing random chicks finally it all came down to that he is all single and travelling places with his guys friends. This was all before starting NC last year. Some how i just thought to give up on snooping because there was no point.. I would highly advice to stay away from social media..

[jbelle6]

Kudos to you for controlling the temptation , i snooped him a lot since he never blocked me on anything. Saw one picture of him with girl ( devastated) which turned out to be his friend. Then saw him chasing random chicks finally it all came down to that he is all single and travelling places with his guys friends. This was all before starting NC last year. Some how i just thought to give up on snooping because there was no point.. I would highly advice to stay away from social media..

 

 

Oh, thing is, it's so not strength that does it for me, I just genuinely know I could NOT take it. Even if he added people I would wonder. I am NOT strong that's why I don't do it. I don't want to go back feeling like I did that very first day.

[todreaminblue]

whenever i get emotional ....thats a joke really because it seems like i am emotional all the time....anyway when i feel like contacting a guy who i have feelings for i am blessed i guess someone rings me on my home phone...normally an ex..or i am distracted by another more pressing situation that jumps up....i have children....one threatens to take my electronics away from me if i dont listen completely.....i often vague out lost in something i should be doing...........distraction is key....be distracted by something else and the heart of yours will be quiet....right now i am making pie.........or should be..and i am hell tired on strong pain killers...surgery yesterday.......felt a need to sit down and just be vague for a while......procrastinate in other words.....deb

[stillfiguringitallou]

Start going to the gym - make yourself busy.

 

Your ex is using your depression and emotions to manipulate you into staying in the same place you were.

 

My ex was the same way - funny thing is I don't even KNOW if he realizes he is.

 

He would play on my fear of abandonment by saying things like "I'm really done this time!" anytime I started to get close to having enough - which in the past would flip things around.

 

He would tell me I was "acting crazy - like you're going off the deep end - and that scares me" knowing that the things I was saying and expressing were VALID.

 

It was all an attempt to manipulate me by deflecting his actions onto my emotions. For instance - had a best friend - he was talking to her - she would feed me tid bits of information. Our last conversation he accused me of "hacking her phone and text out of your insane level of jealousy and creating stories in your head to prove you finally caught me doing exactly what you expected me to"

 

Again - we were together for two years - he tried using jealousy to manipulate me every time - he knows damn well that I don't hack into anyones anything. I'll just bounce out if I feel I'm being disrespected in that manner and can't get a straight answer.

 

Busy yourself with other things and people. Stand up for yourself. respect YOURSELF enough to refuse to allow someone else to manipulate you by using your weaknesses.

 

Love & Light to you

[manna25]

Start going to the gym - make yourself busy.

 

Your ex is using your depression and emotions to manipulate you into staying in the same place you were.

 

My ex was the same way - funny thing is I don't even KNOW if he realizes he is.

 

He would play on my fear of abandonment by saying things like "I'm really done this time!" anytime I started to get close to having enough - which in the past would flip things around.

 

He would tell me I was "acting crazy - like you're going off the deep end - and that scares me" knowing that the things I was saying and expressing were VALID.

 

It was all an attempt to manipulate me by deflecting his actions onto my emotions. For instance - had a best friend - he was talking to her - she would feed me tid bits of information. Our last conversation he accused me of "hacking her phone and text out of your insane level of jealousy and creating stories in your head to prove you finally caught me doing exactly what you expected me to"

 

Again - we were together for two years - he tried using jealousy to manipulate me every time - he knows damn well that I don't hack into anyones anything. I'll just bounce out if I feel I'm being disrespected in that manner and can't get a straight answer.

 

Busy yourself with other things and people. Stand up for yourself. respect YOURSELF enough to refuse to allow someone else to manipulate you by using your weaknesses.

 

Love & Light to you

 

Again your guy and my guy were cut from the same cloth. His behavior has left me with such gaping frustration and anger. My attempts at contacting him were never about getting back together, just being allowed to actually get all that resentment I swallowed out of my throat and tell him what a prick he was to me. Unfortunately, every time I did, somehow the conversation would just devolve into me apologizing because I don't want to hurt his feelings either. So now I sit around being angry at him, angry at myself, and nowhere to go but my mopey playlists.

 

I realize now that I was seeking and expecting validation from someone who was just not emotionally capable of dealing with it. Honestly, I wish he'd make an effort for himself because I'm worried he'll never be able to make anything work if and when he does meet a woman he wants to invest in.

[stillfiguringitallou]

Again your guy and my guy were cut from the same cloth. His behavior has left me with such gaping frustration and anger. My attempts at contacting him were never about getting back together, just being allowed to actually get all that resentment I swallowed out of my throat and tell him what a prick he was to me. Unfortunately, every time I did, somehow the conversation would just devolve into me apologizing because I don't want to hurt his feelings either. So now I sit around being angry at him, angry at myself, and nowhere to go but my mopey playlists.

 

I realize now that I was seeking and expecting validation from someone who was just not emotionally capable of dealing with it. Honestly, I wish he'd make an effort for himself because I'm worried he'll never be able to make anything work if and when he does meet a woman he wants to invest in.

 

 

Eventually - you will come to a place that you will realize that it never bothered him - not REALLY - any of the times he hurt you, any of the times he vented his insecurities, fears and issues at my door step.

 

And it will give you the strength you need to regain your voice. You truly won't want him back anymore and so avoiding hurting his feelings will be the least of your priorities ... You will be the most.

 

I reached that point this week - and I told him flat out ... it wasn't YOU who couldn't find someone who loved you for who you are - it was ME that couldn't find someone to love me for who I am.

 

Because you can't love YOURSELF enough to have respect for someone who would love both the dark and light side of who you are.