bulldogz Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 After the breakup, it was hard re-adjusting to not living with her, seeing her everyday, having her text me multiple times a day, etc. I also had to re-adjust to the lack of intimacy/closeness. Then, as time went on, I was able to effectively re-adjust to the "single life," from a practical perspective. It did take a while to re-group. During these first two stages, I strung along electronic communication, to try to keep the communication part of it alive, and vestiges of connection with my ex. Many of these communications turned into giant arguments. It's like it just added more fuel to the prior tension that caused the breakup. My ex can't get over things very well, and kept harping on certain things I said or did. So this lead to no communication whatsoever. So now I'm adjusting to no contact whatsoever. However, missing the person and missing the promise of a future, are still there and not really much better. Adjusting to not marrying her someday, not doing things together, etc, hasn't gotten any better. She was my "dream girl" (is spite of what I've written below... I liked her anyway). Now, she is a memory. The ironic thing is that memories stay with you, everywhere you go. You can block a facebook profile, you can delete tagged photos, you can not contact them. However, an experience of that individual is emblazoned in your brain, and you cannot "delete" them. I think she may have had some personality disorders. One of her friends, who was a behavioral health professional, thought she might have a mild Autism spectrum disorder. She is emotionally-rigid. More rigid than a brick-wall. Aside from the rigidit, literally couldn't answer a simple question of: "what do you bring to the relationship"?? She also was incapable of thinking abstractly. She was insecure, and hypersensitive. She had been assualted before (both sexually and physically), and otherwise mis-treated and dumped by men. All she did is compare me to random me from her life. I make one mistake, and now I'm just as bad as ________ person, who did X to her, and represents something in her mind. What is unfortunate is, given her personality that I came to know (whether there are "disorders" or not), she would not ever come back to me. She got her friends and family to purportedly hate me, and she relies HEAVILY on them for emotional support/advice. She almost needs the approval of them for any life decision. And with her rigidity, when she says she's "done," she means it. She's all hung up on sticking to "her word," and other simple concepts embedded in the culture of her upbringing. When we did once talk about getting back together, her first concern was: "what are people going to think of me." And that sums it up. And last, but not least, I broke up with her. I had to. It's a long story. And given her way of thinking, it is that simple for her. "He left me, therfore he must not want to be with me."
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Uh I might be able to relate to this.... but... what outcome are you exactly looking for? x
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 "you are just like Mr x" - she is haunted by it and needs help. I said the same to my ex he was nothing like him really but sometimes little things would set off great big red flags and I would freak out x "He finished with me, he doesnt want me anymore" - well she is kind of right isnt she because if you did want her you would be stood by her side. "she is emotionally frigid" - no she's closed off as she has been hurt, she cant give herself fully to people anymore out of fear she probably gives a little at a time so if she gets hurt she hasnt given too much, she is protecting herself unfortunately this has a knock on effect as the partner will feel you are not giving the same amount or not as invested (actually its the opposite). I believe she will open up over time but will need complete transparency the only problem is you walk out that trust will be gone and it wont ever come back because you have shown the first signs of abandoning her she wont open up again I would very much doubt x 1
Author bulldogz Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 Uh I might be able to relate to this.... but... what outcome are you exactly looking for? x Not exactly sure what I want.
Natsume21 Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 This is a mess. You're not her savior. If she needs help, she can get it herself. But what's clear is that if she wanted you, she'd show it. If she's not, stay NC and live your life. Don't go to someone who doesn't want you anymore.
me85 Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 It's all about communication. If two people can't open up to each other things will never be understood between them and the RS will never move forward. You are really pointing out her flaws, completely justifying why you broke up with her but are clearly doubting yourself for doing so. I think people should make sure that they have made real efforts to work things out before just breaking up. One person can't do all the heavy lifting by themselves. If you were, then you probably made the right choice by breaking up. Feeling alone in a RS is a pretty bad feeling. Most likely you are just having normal withdrawls from "the love-drug" I call that stage DETOX. Look, it's a good thing you remember her. It means she did matter to you. You'd be a bad person if you stopped thinking about that girl no problem. I mean, you'd be unless she was just a really nasty person that really really hurt you and did you wrong. Give it time. BUT...If you feel in your heart you made a mistake by letting her go then my advice to you would be to try to make a "comeback" asap. 2
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 After the breakup, it was hard re-adjusting to not living with her, seeing her everyday, having her text me multiple times a day, etc. I also had to re-adjust to the lack of intimacy/closeness. Then, as time went on, I was able to effectively re-adjust to the "single life," from a practical perspective. It did take a while to re-group. During these first two stages, I strung along electronic communication, to try to keep the communication part of it alive, and vestiges of connection with my ex. Many of these communications turned into giant arguments. It's like it just added more fuel to the prior tension that caused the breakup. My ex can't get over things very well, and kept harping on certain things I said or did. So this lead to no communication whatsoever. So now I'm adjusting to no contact whatsoever. However, missing the person and missing the promise of a future, are still there and not really much better. Adjusting to not marrying her someday, not doing things together, etc, hasn't gotten any better. She was my "dream girl" (is spite of what I've written below... I liked her anyway). Now, she is a memory. The ironic thing is that memories stay with you, everywhere you go. You can block a facebook profile, you can delete tagged photos, you can not contact them. However, an experience of that individual is emblazoned in your brain, and you cannot "delete" them. I think she may have had some personality disorders. One of her friends, who was a behavioral health professional, thought she might have a mild Autism spectrum disorder. She is emotionally-rigid. More rigid than a brick-wall. Aside from the rigidit, literally couldn't answer a simple question of: "what do you bring to the relationship"?? She also was incapable of thinking abstractly. She was insecure, and hypersensitive. She had been assualted before (both sexually and physically), and otherwise mis-treated and dumped by men. All she did is compare me to random me from her life. I make one mistake, and now I'm just as bad as ________ person, who did X to her, and represents something in her mind. What is unfortunate is, given her personality that I came to know (whether there are "disorders" or not), she would not ever come back to me. She got her friends and family to purportedly hate me, and she relies HEAVILY on them for emotional support/advice. She almost needs the approval of them for any life decision. And with her rigidity, when she says she's "done," she means it. She's all hung up on sticking to "her word," and other simple concepts embedded in the culture of her upbringing. When we did once talk about getting back together, her first concern was: "what are people going to think of me." And that sums it up. And last, but not least, I broke up with her. I had to. It's a long story. And given her way of thinking, it is that simple for her. "He left me, therfore he must not want to be with me." Its been what three months now? Thats not really enough time to just be healed fully. People progress at different speeds. Some can get over everything in a week. Some take months. Few take YEARS (most is a refusal to move on). You arent there yet. Dont put too much stock into what she is doing or not doing or how she is acting. Those are all things that will keep you spinning in the same small ruts. I think a lot of this is a bit of ego. You had the "upper hand" when you broke up. You did it and you felt like it was the right move. When you felt like you made a mistake, she didnt want it back. The roles were reversed. Now, she holds the power and you want it because you dont have it. You've done what you can. I dont think you need to do anything else. I agree with Nat, you are not her savior. You dont need to do anything for her and you let her know already how you feel. She didnt reciprocate those feelings back, so you need to keep traveling forward. 1
Author bulldogz Posted May 30, 2014 Author Posted May 30, 2014 Yes, the power did shift. She has seemed so indifferent since the BU which just makes it feel worse. I will never hear it from her, but I hope I can pretend that she does miss me. It was not a conventional breakup. Nobody lost interest; we "broke up" in a heated argument. Anyhow, her personality is to make me the "bad guy" and such, listing all tgese things I did or said as to why she won't come back. Its almost like she is trying to justify it in her own mind or convince herself that I was the problem and that's why she won't return. I have a much different attitude from her about life, forgiveness, and tolerance for upsetting behavior.
Author bulldogz Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 Some people say they miss the promise of a future with someone, buy not necessarily their ex. For me, I actually missed the promise of a future with HER, specifically. The things I was looking forward to, she can't be replaced by someone else. It's all so hard to let go of... her pretty smile, the way her eyes look, all her funny mannerisms, her reciprocal love (up until it stopped about a month before the end). I may never find someone I feel quite the same way about. I may, but I may not. I'm obviously concerned that I really may not, and that adds to the negative emotions since the BU. At the same time, I might. I don't know.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Some people say they miss the promise of a future with someone, buy not necessarily their ex. For me, I actually missed the promise of a future with HER, specifically. The things I was looking forward to, she can't be replaced by someone else. It's all so hard to let go of... her pretty smile, the way her eyes look, all her funny mannerisms, her reciprocal love (up until it stopped about a month before the end). I may never find someone I feel quite the same way about. I may, but I may not. I'm obviously concerned that I really may not, and that adds to the negative emotions since the BU. At the same time, I might. I don't know. Again, its still fresh. It hasnt been that long. You are only adding more crap to yourself. You are going to find it again. Everyone does. The ones that say they dont are those who almost REFUSE to move on OR built their past relationship to be this almighty relationship when it reality, it was just put on this insane pedestal by the dumpee. Lots of people who have been dumped build their ex to this goddess. Every single thing that they did is now just AMAZING, their looks are untouchable, and they are THE perfect girl. When you let enough time pass and feelings to heal, you will find out things were not as good as what you really build them up to be. If you follow the steps and let more time pass, you'll feel better than you do now.
hope2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Again, its still fresh. It hasnt been that long. You are only adding more crap to yourself. You are going to find it again. Everyone does. The ones that say they dont are those who almost REFUSE to move on OR built their past relationship to be this almighty relationship when it reality, it was just put on this insane pedestal by the dumpee. Lots of people who have been dumped build their ex to this goddess. Every single thing that they did is now just AMAZING, their looks are untouchable, and they are THE perfect girl. When you let enough time pass and feelings to heal, you will find out things were not as good as what you really build them up to be. If you follow the steps and let more time pass, you'll feel better than you do now. I agree, time will heal your pain. You sure will find the perfect partner for you
stillfiguringitallou Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 In this situation I would agree with Heartbroken newbie. You are assuming that she didn't have the right to confront you about your actions that reminded her of her ex's and made her uncomfortable. She was TRYING to communicate with you. And you rigidity in thinking - caused you to take those things personally and dump her. But Was there anything she did that would ever make you go - OH that REALLY makes me uncomfortable - I should tell her about it? My guess is something happened along those lines - or you wouldn't have broken up with her. My guess is - now that she is indifferent you're starting to see that maybe you made mistakes now. Or Like my ex your desire for everyone to see you the way you see yourself makes it hard for you to let her move on - when she is seeing you as the "bad guy" I myself am very rigid - and since my son is autistic that is quite possible. I literally POURED love into my relationship - even he said so - but he left anyway - repeatedly doing the "just friends" and getting mad at me when I wouldn't confront him about crossing the "just friends" line (kissing me telling me he loved me etc etc) and he would go back into relationship mode. This last time I told him friends doesn't work for us and again - he accused me of being too rigid. "Why does everything have to be so black and white to you?" Because it is. When I love you - I'm all in. When you ask me to love you and let you in - and I choose to do so - it means I'm all in. It isn't okay for someone to expect another person to be in a state of emotional limbo and uncomfortable - because they aren't ready to commit for whatever reason - but they are scared to lose that person. It was very black and white for me. I could stay in a "friendship" with the man I loved who "needed space" - and he could continue to fill his void with me - while still being unecumbered by the responsibilities of a relationship - AND CONTINUE TO HURT. Or I could accept the fact that if he really wanted a real relationship with me - he wouldn't be leaving me. And move on to someone who does ... who won't hurt me because of their inability to love me as I am, because their desire to have all the good things about me - while offering nothing in return. Just my thoughts on rigidity. Do I still love him - yep. Would I let him just walk right back in like nothing happened - no - no I wouldn't. Could he earn his way back by showing me he truly accepts me as I am? Absolutely. Will he do that - most likely not. So ... here's to moving on to someone who can and will.
Author bulldogz Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 Her face... Absolutely perfect. It has character, seduction, mystery, goodness, beauty. It is who she is. It works for me. It's not lije she's some beauty queen, but wow her face is basically totally my type. Darn.
stillfiguringitallou Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Sorry to see you're so broken up. Learn to love her the way she is man, or leave her alone. Any relationship CAN be fixed. You just have to work at it. Do the personal work, show her that her rigidity isn't something you can't work with if you two can communicate about things. Learn to live in her world. Or accept she can't be part of yours. I had to learn this on the opposite side. Hope you can find peace -
Author bulldogz Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 Yeah, I'm doing what I need to do to improve, and it will actually benefit me whether or not she is ever in my future. Ugh... work is just about the worst. She used to text me all the time when I was at work (no, not a bad thing). I'd feel the "buzz-buzz" in my pocket, and know it was her. I'd see her name pop up in the text message bubble. I wasn't privy to the "NC" concept (or fully understanding it) back when I broke up, so things just got worse as a function of post-breakup communication. I did beg. Actually not as much as I thought I did. My communications were combinations of arranging to get my stuff back, begging the **** out of her to come on a non-refundable vacation shortly after the breakup (which led to bad things and tension), but only actually twice did I outright ask to get back together... and even then I wasn't very direct about it. She wasn't perfect... but wow that cute face of her's, her accent, her endearing ways, her fun spirit.... it will all be missed dearly. And certainly can't be replaced. Also, as I said, she was my "dream girl." I felt like I really scored big with this girl (in terms of finding someone I REALLY liked, like a lot). Part of my anxiety about the future is that I'll end up with someone (or end up with options) that really doesn't ignite the same spark inside of me. I'm not talking about getting a beauty queen, but rather someone that "makes you smile," in spite of their shortcomings, and makes the world a brighter place. I feel like love, unlike material things, is something that is available to everyone. At the same time, like anything else in life, some people have better things than others. Some have better love than others. I feel like my "better love" has vanished with the passing of this relationship... I know that there isn't ONE "meant to be" out there, but the list can't be exceedingly large, and who knows if circumstance will bring another one of these people to my future, and allow it to happen.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Yeah, I'm doing what I need to do to improve, and it will actually benefit me whether or not she is ever in my future. Ugh... work is just about the worst. She used to text me all the time when I was at work (no, not a bad thing). I'd feel the "buzz-buzz" in my pocket, and know it was her. I'd see her name pop up in the text message bubble. I wasn't privy to the "NC" concept (or fully understanding it) back when I broke up, so things just got worse as a function of post-breakup communication. I did beg. Actually not as much as I thought I did. My communications were combinations of arranging to get my stuff back, begging the **** out of her to come on a non-refundable vacation shortly after the breakup (which led to bad things and tension), but only actually twice did I outright ask to get back together... and even then I wasn't very direct about it. She wasn't perfect... but wow that cute face of her's, her accent, her endearing ways, her fun spirit.... it will all be missed dearly. And certainly can't be replaced. Also, as I said, she was my "dream girl." I felt like I really scored big with this girl (in terms of finding someone I REALLY liked, like a lot). Part of my anxiety about the future is that I'll end up with someone (or end up with options) that really doesn't ignite the same spark inside of me. I'm not talking about getting a beauty queen, but rather someone that "makes you smile," in spite of their shortcomings, and makes the world a brighter place. I feel like love, unlike material things, is something that is available to everyone. At the same time, like anything else in life, some people have better things than others. Some have better love than others. I feel like my "better love" has vanished with the passing of this relationship... I know that there isn't ONE "meant to be" out there, but the list can't be exceedingly large, and who knows if circumstance will bring another one of these people to my future, and allow it to happen. Again,you are making it worse. You'll be fine. You'll find someone again. She wasnt the end all. There are 7 billion people in the world. You'll be fine.
Author bulldogz Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 Her comparing me to other people became so bad I'm convinced that I "became" these other people in her head. Like, she said she didn't want me to come to a party because her last boyfriend came to that party the last year and "acted like an ass." Well wtf? wtf do I and him have in common? In what way is his behavior at a party last year in any way connected to how I'd act? At times this person's thoughts were not grounded in reality.
SpiritualAlchemy Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 If you've split, then what does it matter if she's comparing you to others, and getting her circles to hate on you? If you're worried about your rep, get over it, your family and friends know you and love you, that's more than many people have in this world. If you're worried what she thinks of you - screw it, you're done. If she's thinking all bad stuff, then she's not being accurate because in every relationship, there's roses amidst the pig ****. If you're worried about ever finding another woman to adore in this world, quit right now, you have several matches out there, it's up to you to go find them! You're not going to find someone like her, she's unique, but your problems together are specific to your dynamics also...she's never going to find anyone like you...and that's the beauty of opening yourself to another when the time is right; each person is different, each relationship is different, and brings its own joys and tribulations - that's life, go live it instead of worrying about a girl you're done with.
Author bulldogz Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 I'm worried that she can have whoever she wants, so she will do better. I liked her so much I believe any man would find her perfect.
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