Jump to content

How do you as an OM/OW (or ex) idenitfy with this?

Gunthar

By Gunthar
in General Relationship Discussion

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Gunthar Established Member

Gunthar

Posted
Posted

"Do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked, that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill that love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or we can..." [what?]

  • Like 1
joanofark Member

joanofark

Posted
Posted
"Do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked, that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill that love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or we can..." [what?]

 

yeah, I'm confused. : )

PurpleCardigan Established Member

PurpleCardigan

Posted
Posted

…remember that love fondly and use that warm glow to reach out and find someone else to love again hoping that this time it lasts.

  • Like 2
Hope Shimmers Established Member

Hope Shimmers

Posted
Posted

Gunthar, I don't think you have to kill the love to get over the pain. There is infinite learning that comes from experiencing that love. The timing doesn't always work, but there is not just one "right" person for us in this world who we can love. Never be sorry for loving someone and never believe that because it didn't work out, that you won't find it again in the future.

  • Like 5
Ailsa1983 Established Member

Ailsa1983

Posted
Posted

Kill it kill it kill it

 

Because after-all it really wasn't real was it ? If it was as real as we imagined it to be then we wouldn't be in pain in the first place.

  • Author
Gunthar Established Member

Gunthar

Posted
  • Author
Posted

The quote just got me thinking a little more clearly: I want love and I'm not going to block love (not the love I have for my AP/xAP). Not going to kill it or any part of me ever again (I don't have any more of me to kill off, really).

 

It seems like so many here are really just looking to kill the pain of the love they are either blocked from (not being returned or in the way they want), or are blocking love themselves. Idk. probably more a reflection of me than anyone here.

 

I just don't believe in no-win scenarios. And, I 'hate' fatalism. It's like candy.

Ailsa1983 Established Member

Ailsa1983

Posted
Posted

I don't know your story but I presume it's affair related:

 

In this case it's false love, yes the "I'm in love" emotions are there, but giving time when your heart repairs itself you will eventually know that it wasn't really love in the first place. Hard to comprehend right now for lots of people but it will come.

Speakingofwhich Established Member

Speakingofwhich

Posted
Posted
"Do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked, that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill that love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or we can..." [what?]

 

redirect it

Mickey1982 Established Member

Mickey1982

Posted
Posted
I don't know your story but I presume it's affair related:

 

In this case it's false love, yes the "I'm in love" emotions are there, but giving time when your heart repairs itself you will eventually know that it wasn't really love in the first place. Hard to comprehend right now for lots of people but it will come.

 

 

I'm not sure I agree with you, Ailsa. It may apply for your relationship, but certainly was NOT true of mine.

  • Like 4
Ailsa1983 Established Member

Ailsa1983

Posted
Posted
I'm not sure I agree with you, Ailsa. It may apply for your relationship, but certainly was NOT true of mine.

 

Mickey it will become true for you one day as well, i guarantee it. I was a mess during, and after my affair, love ?? I thought I loved this man like no other, no one came close to him, I would have done anything for him.

 

Now however it's over and the pain has receded and I'm in a healthy new relationship I can clearly see how flawed it really was, love ?? No it wasn't it was a part time fantasy, am I in love now ? No I'm too terrified to ever feel that again, in time I will and it will be real.

Mickey1982 Established Member

Mickey1982

Posted
Posted
Mickey it will become true for you one day as well, i guarantee it. I was a mess during, and after my affair, love ?? I thought I loved this man like no other, no one came close to him, I would have done anything for him.

 

Now however it's over and the pain has receded and I'm in a healthy new relationship I can clearly see how flawed it really was, love ?? No it wasn't it was a part time fantasy, am I in love now ? No I'm too terrified to ever feel that again, in time I will and it will be real.

 

Well, all I can say is that I HOPE that TIME straightens this all out for me and I am SO HAPPY for you, Ailsa!!!!

 

Unfortunately, I am no closer to wrapping my head around this mess I have made of myself than I was four months ago when I went NC.

Ailsa1983 Established Member

Ailsa1983

Posted
Posted
Well, all I can say is that I HOPE that TIME straightens this all out for me and I am SO HAPPY for you, Ailsa!!!!

 

Unfortunately, I am no closer to wrapping my head around this mess I have made of myself than I was four months ago when I went NC.

 

Yes I can imagine it is harder for you as there is no drama attached to your split, in my scenario there was and still is. I don't know if you have children or not ?

 

You will in time there's no magical cure for heartbreak, and after 4 months even with all the drama I went through I still wanted him and I still defended his actions. It does get easier and one day you will wake up and it doesn't hurt as much as the day before. It will get better I promise you may always be find of him and your memories together but you will eventually realise it was a fantasy and you are better off without him.

  • Like 1
cocorico Established Member

cocorico

Posted
Posted
"Do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked, that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill that love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or we can..." [what?]

 

Um, if it hurts, it's not love.

  • Like 1
snappytomcat Established Member

snappytomcat

Posted
Posted
Well, all I can say is that I HOPE that TIME straightens this all out for me and I am SO HAPPY for you, Ailsa!!!!

 

Unfortunately, I am no closer to wrapping my head around this mess I have made of myself than I was four months ago when I went NC.

dear mickey

you will get there,and you will get to the stage of anger,i hope its soon,your such a kind beautiful soul,i hope you can get there really soon

  • Like 2
Mickey1982 Established Member

Mickey1982

Posted
Posted
dear mickey

you will get there,and you will get to the stage of anger,i hope its soon,your such a kind beautiful soul,i hope you can get there really soon

 

 

Thanks, snappytomcat for the encouragement...I've had a couple of 'bad' days....

Ailsa1983 Established Member

Ailsa1983

Posted
Posted
I must correct you there Alisa, unlike a normal relationship, you had lots of drama. You saw him with his BS. There lies the difference. You saw him, like I did. as a different person when there was serious drama. That's not that he was not that person you loved, it is just that he won't be that person you loved when he is with her. As this is not a normal relationship for anyone. It does not mean you did not love each other, it is just when others affect the balance of that relationship, it can seriously damage your perspective. Also people react to stress in different ways. For me, I did not recognise him when we were in confrontation and his BS behaved like mummy. I saw him as rather pathetic, not someone I recognised physically or emotionally. He even looked very unattractive to me.. However I do believe that you can be a different person with someone than you are with another. Doesn't mean it is not real, just means certain people bring out the best and others the worst.And situations of stress can bring out the worst.

 

But she will in time get over him, it has only been 4 months for her that is nothing, from what I have read and experienced myself (even with all the drama) that it takes up to a year to get over them. After d-day myself and xMM did talk sometimes, he didn't throw me under the bus he admitted to her that he loves me and was confused he told her he loves her also and didn't want to leave because they had built a life of over 30 years together. We both knew it wouldn't work the age difference was too extreme .. Make you wonder why on earth we done it in the first place, we did though and nothing was going to stop us until d-day.

 

My point though is Mickey does see them together nor does she deal with the dramas of d-day so she may very well get over him quicker.

Owl Established Member

Owl

Posted
Posted
You have to wonder what people stay together for when they love someone else.

 

You know...this is true for both the marriage, AND the affair relationship.

 

You have to wonder why the continue in light of what's going on.

 

And...I'd wonder if this isn't the true source of the hurt that Gunthar refers to.

 

It hurts because it's not being allowed to grow normally. Because it's being suppressed...not expressed fully and completely as it normally is allowed to in a non-affair setting.

 

Ending it because it's not proceeding, not growing, not moving forward...that's not cutting a part of yourself off. Its recognizing what is really happening, and deciding whether or not it meets your needs.

 

That's why so many stories here are so similar...because it STARTS OUT as exciting and forbidden and wonderful...but then, if it's not allowed to grow, it becomes stagnant. It hurts because it's not allowed to progress normally. And that's damn near inevitable unless the marriage ends, or the affair partner changes their expectations to meet what the MM/MW is willing to give them.

 

Love that's ALLOWED to bloom, to grow...isn't painful. Love that's restricted, unrequited, hidden...that's a tremendous source of pain for many.

  • Like 1
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author
Gunthar Established Member

Gunthar

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
.

 

And...i'd wonder if this isn't the true source of the hurt that gunthar refers to.

 

It hurts because it's not being allowed to grow normally. Because it's being suppressed...not expressed fully and completely as it normally is allowed to in a non-affair setting.

 

Ending it because it's not proceeding, not growing, not moving forward...that's not cutting a part of yourself off. Its recognizing what is really happening, and deciding whether or not it meets your needs.

 

That's why so many stories here are so similar...because it starts out as exciting and forbidden and wonderful...but then, if it's not allowed to grow, it becomes stagnant. It hurts because it's not allowed to progress normally. And that's damn near inevitable unless the marriage ends, or the affair partner changes their expectations to meet what the mm/mw is willing to give them.

 

Love that's allowed to bloom, to grow...isn't painful. Love that's restricted, unrequited, hidden...that's a tremendous source of pain for many.

 

exactly!!!

 

Part of me is trying to also formulate an argument (perspective) for some folks here to 'back into' easily to maybe adjust their perspective. So many impulsively judge others' or their own A/AP as never loving them, it was wrong/bad, etc. etc, when they are dealing mostly with what I consider the unnatural hurt/pain from the distance/NC and general withdrawal of something that at a heart level was meant to continue (forget all the moral reasoning for the moment).

 

I just want to be in love, I think.

Edited by Gunthar
Got it Established Member

Got it

Posted
Posted

I don't see it, even if it doesn't work out, that it wasn't love. It can be that they were loved but the love isn't enough to over come the other obstacles. Love doesn't have to be this all or nothing. There are many people that love but never do anything about it (in affairs and outside). For many people fear is a far greater motivator than anything else.

  • Like 3
MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
"Do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked, that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill that love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or we can..." [what?]

 

Hmmm....former OW here. It's weird, because I am years out from the affair, over it and him and am happily with someone new and have had other relationships after, so my feelings aren't as strong in terms of being present in the moment of what that felt like.

 

But my instinct upon reading that was that it wasn't that dramatic for me...but then again old emails may reveal otherwise lol.:laugh:

 

Love doesn't hurt is my current opinion: drama, deceit, selfishness, trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole, going against the tide and other things which come along with your romantic feelings do...but love itself, nope, it doesn't hurt and the love is pain mantra most often emerges from very dysfunctional situations, like affairs.

 

Being unable to get what I wanted fully out of the relationship hurt at the time but it wasn't the love that was painful it was selfishness, deceit, frustrations etc. Currently being in love with someone who doesn't display any of that kind of selfishness, duplicity, etc. does not hurt in the least and if my being with my current guy started to hurt me it wouldn't be love hurting me but love gone wrong which is selfishness, dishonesty and other negative things creeping in why.

  • Like 1
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...