Marriage ended - second chance at first love? The Lifelong Breakup

[ElectricBoogaloo]

So, my story is so very long and painful... Here goes.

 

When I was 18, I met a person whom I connected with on a soulful level. We will call him "Emmit"

We met on a, yes, social media site. He had looked at my poetry - the writings I had wrote at the time were heartfelt. We connected and became "poetpals" if you will. Sharing deep thoughts with each other for months.. We decided to start talking over the phone. Conversed on a daily basis, and in general became really great friends. The feelings for me deepened after a year of talking and exchanging poems/emails, so we decided to meet face-to-face. I fell in love. I was a very sheltered and timid person, he was from the city. Two different ways of life and personalities. Long story short, he decided to persue someone closer and with less baggage (I was a student without a car and lived 40 miles away). It hurt, but we remained friends and all the while still in love.

 

I dated, but still clung to the thought of Emmit. We still talked at least once a week... sometimes everyday. Him and his girl broke up. I was happy to hear it, but kept my distance. I had already thought about going to college in his hometown, so a friend and I made a weekend trip up there to get a feel for the place - and well, to see him.

 

I was so timid seeing him again. I didn't know how to react. I was home schooled all my highschool years, and college really was my first exchanges with others since that time period. He interpreted it as social weakness and found my lack of confidence a turn off. I still remained in the friend zone. We did share one night together after we got a little tipsy and I wasn't so shy anymore... But anyway.

 

A few months later - Emmit got another girl. WHO LOOKED JUST LIKE ME. I was furious. I called him on it and demanded to know why he got someone to look like me, but didn't have the balls to pick me. He really didn't have an answer. Looking back on it, it was kind of trivial. Lol, but I was 19... :/

 

After I realized I'd never get anywhere with my first love, I stopped talking to him completely. I wrote and said some hurtful things to make sure he'd stay away, and I set out again. Determined to find someone I could love that shared similarities with him. I mean, it is hard to find a handsome - hardcore geek with manly alpha intent.

 

So, I found someone. This person we will call "Jonas". I settled. I began a relationship with Jonas thinking he was great. It was not so great. He was an abusive alcoholic that consumed every ounce of individuality in me. I was the only one working and we stayed together for 2 1/2 years like that. The whole time, still pining over Emmit... wondering why it just never worked. Why I was never first. One particular day, I received an email from Emmit. Wanting to know if I was okay. I had been plaguing his thoughts and he was worried. One reply went to two, then three and so on.

 

Next thing I know, he was asking me to come live with him to get away with the situation. Said he would protect me, and I could get on my feet.

 

So off I went. We lived together for three months. Slept together, ate together, lived together, and loved each other. I loved him so much, if he asked for the moon I would have shot that B**** down to him. Mind you, the whole time, Jonas was blowing my phone up wanting to get back with me. Then one day, I picked up the phone and replied to a text.. Can't remember what was said, but I knew I shouldn't have said anything. Emmit seen the phone on the bed - who I was talking to - and just exploded. He couldn't believe that I talked to him after all the abuse and the life we were starting together. Not only that, but I had put him and his family at risk because Jonas was kind of crazy at the time... I felt like crap.

 

I understood, so I went back home. Not because he told me to.. Emmit never asked me to leave, but because I felt like I should have. I couldn't deal with the tension. Knowing he was disappointed in me. Long story short, Emmit was upset that I left and didn't come back. I was upset he was upset, so I got drunk. Went to Jonas' house to sleep it off. Got up the next morning and hit a tree driving back to my brother's house. I was laid up for 6months. I had to learn how to walk again. Jonas rushed to trauma unit to see if I was okay - begged me to come home so he could take care of me. I was shocked at that offer.

 

Emmit didn't find out about the accident until I was doing physical therapy, still in a wheelchair. He wanted to see me, but I refused... I couldn't let him see me like that. He accepted that, and I guess, happily moved on.

 

I stayed with Jonas. He nursed me to health, but still an emotionally abusive alcoholic. Once I was able to work he sponged the financial life out of me. I still stayed. Grandmother died. I got pregnant. Had a miscarriage. The next month my mother died.

 

Emmit found all this out through the site I still posted fluent poetry on. Apparently he still read my poetry and writings about the things I was going through and how I felt.. He wrote me an email. He was unaware of the miscarriage, and still under the assumption I was pregnant. I guess he wrote me as a final goodbye and thought that we could never ever have a relationship again. I wrote a final goodbye - we exchanged the lines "I will always love you." Ended it there.

 

I ended up leaving Jonas again in 2010.. This time without any contact with Emmit or intentions of talking to both ever again.

 

 

Fast forward to 2012... I reached out to Emmit because there was a natural disaster that hit his area. I had to see if he was okay. He was so happy to hear from me. We began talking again. He revealed that he regretted ever letting me go and blowing up at me when we lived together. He apologized for putting me second all those years. He said I was the only one he found he'd want to marry. We talked for about a month.

 

Then one day his friend tagged photos of him on Halloween grinding all on some random chick. I freaked. Looking back on it, I overreacted. I didn't even check the dates on those things. I just looked at it as a sign that I needed to move on. -Sigh-

 

Jonas contacted me a month later. He cleaned up, quit drinking, and gave his life to God. Lol, did everything but get a JOB.

 

So I married Jonas. Mostly out of obligation - but more so because I felt that the chapter of chasing Emmit and finding "true" love was over. Oh God, I am disgusted even admitting any of this bull.

 

Still in love with Emmit. I just drown it out with other s***

 

Fast forward to 2013/2014. Been separated but living together for about 6 months. Getting a divorce. Jonas never got a job. We had a child. He doesn't drink anymore, but I am still never enough. Starting the divorce process - I separate and move out. Contact a lawyer - start saving money. Its over.

 

I decide on a whim just to contact Emmit. He'd been on my mind heavily for months which usually means something is up. He gets back with me and says that I had been plaguing his mind again. He knew I was going through something. We exchange truths about everything that went down between us over the last decade and agree for clean slates... He says he was with someone, but she just stopped talking to him suddenly. I don't ask questions, I just get caught in the moment.

 

We've been seeing each other for a month.

 

He says this girl starts coming around again like nothing ever happened.

 

He is attached to her child that she has had not too long ago and thinks she might have postpardum depression. Says he wants to be courteous of that fact and I guess not break it off with her so suddenly?? I dunno. I say that the door is still open, but he has to be the one to walk through it. I'm not going to make an effort unless he does. One weekend goes by, and he invites me down there.

 

I go. I assess everything. I can tell that he hasn't had a female in his life for some time. He lives with two other men, so something feminine will stick out like a sore thumb...

 

I don't really know what my question is. I just want to share this crazy, really. I'm sure a lot of this I should be ashamed for - but I'm really not. I just feel a little foolish at the fact that Emmit is the only person in my life that I've never been able to say no to and mean it...

 

 

It seems like this last decade has been nothing but a big breakup for me. Whether I was doing it or getting dumped...

 

I guess what I am asking is, is it possible to legitimately have another chance with your first love after life has given such grand circumstances??