Thewayitwas2 Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 At what point (if any) should the person you are dating detail their sex life with their previous spouse ? I did not ask.... But the info had been offered up all on his own. I did NOT want to know. Is it normal? They apparently had problems in that dept.
d0nnivain Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Details always cause problems. People should confirm whether they engaged in high risk behavior but they shouldn't overshare. 1
Xenon2 Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 this is too vague to answer i think. discussing sex is definitely healthy and i like it. makes for better, amazing sex where you and your partner are aware of each other. like how much detail are we talking about? for example, if i told a girl that my ex hated giving blow jobs...that's not TMI i don't think. Although tbh, i would never say something like that. IMO talking about ex's is usually not the greatest thing and delicate territory.
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 He just said that he didn't even had sex w her on their wedding night (she was knocked up then). But that he hated touching her and only had sex with her about 4 times in 2 years. That he didn't want to try because he hated her. But then he tried to commit suicide while he was with her because "he wanted her to love him". It all just sounded overwhelming. Fortunately he's in the past. But this made me wonder what was normal.
DArtagnan2 Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 man, I hate this. I think one of the most intrusive and demeaning comments to someone are of this nature. While it may seem innocent, its really hitting below the belt. I have had been in conversations that the gal has talked about her past relationships in some graphic detail as well of the inadequacies. I have never shared information about someone I was with and never thought anyone I was with would either, unless of course it was of a bragging nature. But seriously, While I hope people would have more discretion / respect for certain things, it doesn't surprise me at all. I have known people to lie as well because they are hateful or bitter about how the relationship ended. In saying all this, sorry got off on a little bit of a rant, but in saying all this, this just breeds no trust to me. If I was looking to date someone, and they would demean their ex or anyone they dated to me, it shows a part of their character that I would not like. It also shows that even though we may be compatible there, if we were to not work out or split, she is of the makeup where she would say anything whether it was true or not. It would leave a bad taste in my mouth and most likely would not see us dating for long. 2
d0nnivain Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 for example, if i told a girl that my ex hated giving blow jobs...that's not TMI i don't think. . Telling a new partner that you like a particular act / position is fine. Discussing how you engaged (or didn't) in that act with a previous partner is oversharing.
DArtagnan2 Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 He just said that he didn't even had sex w her on their wedding night (she was knocked up then). But that he hated touching her and only had sex with her about 4 times in 2 years. That he didn't want to try because he hated her. But then he tried to commit suicide while he was with her because "he wanted her to love him". It all just sounded overwhelming. Fortunately he's in the past. But this made me wonder what was normal. all kinds of things going on here and not very good things... glad this one is in the past... phew
d0nnivain Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 He just said that he didn't even had sex w her on their wedding night (she was knocked up then). But that he hated touching her and only had sex with her about 4 times in 2 years. That he didn't want to try because he hated her. But then he tried to commit suicide while he was with her because "he wanted her to love him". It all just sounded overwhelming. Fortunately he's in the past. But this made me wonder what was normal. Not consummating a marriage on the wedding night can be a traumatic thing. Sharing with you that he both loved & hated his EX is getting a bit deep. The fact that he used suicide to manipulate his EX is troubling for your future. When you upset him will he also threaten to kill himself?
ChooseTruth Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I think it probably depends on the couple. You should make it clear what you are comfortable hearing and what you are not. If something he says bothers you, why wait? Tell him immediately, maybe even in a light hearted fashion "TMI TMI!" (hands over ears but smiling) 1
udolipixie Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I don't do should unless it pertains to animals/children. For me I find I tell my gals it suited to discuss the guy's sex life on the first date. I state my gals as I don't engage in this myself as I find that guys generally lie in order to sway a gal's decision to his choosing. So I just go on the guess that the guys have raped, sexually assaulted, and visited a prostituted. It's not normal in my opinion for past sex life info to be offered up as I find most people have some shame/guilt about their sexual actions and hide it.
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 I think the really weird part is that he was not very sexual with me. The one time I went to his house we were making out and when things first got a bit steamy ... He said he had to get some water. And then the next time he said he needed a little air. He never touched me anywhere that counts and I spent. 6 hours at his house. He says he is very sexual. But then tells me that about his ex and also says his ex asked if he was gay couple times.
Potz4prez Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I had a girl once tell me about how she went and had a one-night stand immediately after a rough break-up. Maybe it was her intonation, but that hit me hard for some reason. Don't over-share, people. It's selfish.
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I think it probably depends on the couple. You should make it clear what you are comfortable hearing and what you are not. If something he says bothers you, why wait? Tell him immediately, maybe even in a light hearted fashion "TMI TMI!" (hands over ears but smiling) YES! I think it really depends on the couple most definitely. In my current relationship, we share A LOT and probably more than most couples do including all the dark scarier bits about ourselves that very few get to see or know about. If and when we speak of our past relationships and specially as it relates to sex, we are always mindful of each other's feelings and respectful so as not to instill unnecessary jealousy or insecurity. If one of us feels there is an excessive amount of over share (very rare), we'll let the other know straight away and move on. Could I have done this kind of candid sharing with my last boyfriend? Hell no! Which is what makes my man now so special. Personally, I think that this level of sharing, although not for everyone, can elevate intimacy between couples if done the right way. At least it has for my boyfriend and me. 1
PogoStick Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I think it more bothers the younger people. I value my many experiences that have made me. Why do any of you feel threatened by the past? I'd rather a girl have great sexual experience that she can now use for my benefit. 2
giblesp Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 At what point (if any) should the person you are dating detail their sex life with their previous spouse ? I did not ask.... But the info had been offered up all on his own. I did NOT want to know. Is it normal? They apparently had problems in that dept. Then make it clear that you'd rather not know, as you're only concerned with the present sex life you share with your her/him. If he/she has had some serious problems they wish to discuss, then as a caring partner you're all ears. But details of past sex life, who needs to know that?
d0nnivain Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I think the really weird part is that he was not very sexual with me. The one time I went to his house we were making out and when things first got a bit steamy ... He said he had to get some water. And then the next time he said he needed a little air. He never touched me anywhere that counts and I spent. 6 hours at his house. He says he is very sexual. But then tells me that about his ex and also says his ex asked if he was gay couple times. If he's all talk & very little action, he may be trying to convince himself more than you that he "very sexual." Between this, the suicide attempt & the oversharing, if you continue down this path with him I suspect you're in for a rough, unsatisfying road.
Els Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 How much 'detail' are you talking about exactly? We don't share 'blow by blow's (pun intended ), but we definitely know a general overview of each others' past. Not right away, but probably knew everything by the 1 year mark or so. Some people choose to not do even that. Each to their own...
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 His detail was just telling me that he didn't have sex with her on their wedding night (she was pregnant already ) but that he stayed up smoking dope with some guys .... And that they never had sex except for a "few times"... Said he couldn't make himself have sex with her and that he didn't want to try... He also said a therapist told him he might have intimacy issues because some neighbor grabbed his crotch when he was 5. But he disagreed. The problem is I have noticed already... He is pretty tame in that area. Never even grabbed my butt.
d0nnivain Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 If a therapist is telling him he has intimacy issues you will not have a satisfying sex life with this man.
Author Thewayitwas2 Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 Yeah I don't know exactly what that was related to ... I'm not sure. But I just know while making out with him....that as soon as things started to heat up... He just seemed detached. He would need to get some water or start the grill... I kind of wondered if maybe he isn't very endowed. I never got to even get my hands there to find out. I am very much for taking things slow. But these things just seemed odd on top of what I already sensed while kissing him.
SarcasticAbby Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I don't think this is something that should ever be discussed. Everyone has a past but as far as I'm concerned the person I'm with was a virgin before we met lol Discussing it just causes hurt feelings unnecessarily.
isisisweeping Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I prefer openness in all things. It does not make me feel bad or jealous. I like to be able to share anything from our past including that. If pictures started coming out, that would be too much.
salparadise Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I think it depends on the couple. I'm ok with sharing quite a bit, and the woman I'm dating now is also comfortable so we have told each other a lot about our previous experiences. But we do so in a way that is respectful to each other and our previous partners. We don't get overly detailed or graphic. Sometimes we stop and ask if we approaching the end of the other's comfort zone. This sharing is not without purpose... it helps us understand how we can be better lovers for each other, and it often helps us to feel more appreciated. I'v also dated women for whom the whole topic was off limits. I like sharing as long as we're using good judgement and respecting each other's sensibilities.
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