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Okay is this the norm now for Divorcees'

Thewayitwas2

By Thewayitwas2
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Thewayitwas2 Established Member

Thewayitwas2

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It is the second time in as many weeks I have come across a divorced parent staying at the Ex's house overnight "for the child".

 

I just ended a relationship w a guy who was too attached to his ex. Now, I am at working talking to a divorced dad who tells me he will stay at his Ex's house overnight w the child when his ex is traveling etc. He only lives 10 miles away! But he sleeps in her bedroom etc! (While she is gone).

 

Is this the norm? I'm new to the dating world but my ex does not sleep at my house. And I'm wondering if I am the nasty @itch for thinking that is weird?

Lernaean_Hydra Established Member

Lernaean_Hydra

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It is the second time in as many weeks I have come across a divorced parent staying at the Ex's house overnight "for the child".

 

I just ended a relationship w a guy who was too attached to his ex. Now, I am at working talking to a divorced dad who tells me he will stay at his Ex's house overnight w the child when his ex is traveling etc. He only lives 10 miles away! But he sleeps in her bedroom etc! (While she is gone).

 

Is this the norm? I'm new to the dating world but my ex does not sleep at my house. And I'm wondering if I am the nasty @itch for thinking that is weird?

 

 

It's not "the norm" per se, though it's not unheard of, however nor is it something that - if I'm being honest with myself - I'd be comfortable with, but I can see the long term benefits to the child. If the divorce was recent (last 18 or so months) it makes perfect sense to want to maintain some sense of stability in the child's life. Divorces are hard, especially on young children, many of whom simply don't understand the concept of not living in the same house, or in the same house with both mommy and daddy.

 

A lot of parents try to keep things as stable as possible for the child, including cohabitating after divorce for a period of time. I'd be suspicious of total post-separation cohabitation but the fact that your guy is staying there when his ExW is away would make me feel a whole lot better and turn this into a complete non-issue.

 

If his ex is staying in the former family home all this makes perfect sense. Even if she weren't, that may be the place most suitable for the child. Why should the child be displaced from his most comfortable spaces when mommy goes out of town, all so daddy can sleep in his own bed, or so daddy's new girlfriend doesn't get upset by it?

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LustAppeal Established Member

LustAppeal

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I have personally never heard of it. Probably due to the fact that if it does happen most will hide that it's going on. My mom and dad divorced when I was young, they constantly told me that they still loved each other just not in a couple kind of way. Which to me is healthy to tell your kid, but staying at an ex's house... Away on a trip I could see being reasonable in certain situations, but still weird in my books.

 

Well said^

michellew Established Member

michellew

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I've never heard of this, but I have dated men who stayed with their ex and the ex's new husband when going to visit their child out of town. I thought that was a little odd! Sounds like a threesome to me. Lol

DArtagnan2 Established Member

DArtagnan2

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It's not "the norm" per se, though it's not unheard of, however nor is it something that - if I'm being honest with myself - I'd be comfortable with, but I can see the long term benefits to the child. If the divorce was recent (last 18 or so months) it makes perfect sense to want to maintain some sense of stability in the child's life. Divorces are hard, especially on young children, many of whom simply don't understand the concept of not living in the same house, or in the same house with both mommy and daddy.

 

A lot of parents try to keep things as stable as possible for the child, including cohabitating after divorce for a period of time. I'd be suspicious of total post-separation cohabitation but the fact that your guy is staying there when his ExW is away would make me feel a whole lot better and turn this into a complete non-issue.

 

If his ex is staying in the former family home all this makes perfect sense. Even if she weren't, that may be the place most suitable for the child. Why should the child be displaced from his most comfortable spaces when mommy goes out of town, all so daddy can sleep in his own bed, or so daddy's new girlfriend doesn't get upset by it?

 

I would agree. But also wonder if after a certain amount of time, as well as the kid getting older, wouldn't it be feasible for all that this stops at some point?

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Thewayitwas2 Established Member

Thewayitwas2

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I should also mention the guy has a biz with his ex. He works with her and then goes to her house to have dinner with them often.

 

And he talks non stop about hoe much he hates her and even describing how rarely they had sex.

 

That's a lot to say, right?

Tressugar Established Member

Tressugar

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My husband tried to pull that **** before we were married trying to claim he was doing it for his newborn child sake! I had to deal with his ex wife telling me that he was sleeping in their marital bed. I simply told him it's me or his child...needless to say he made the (better) choice of choosing our relationship.

jbelle6 Established Member

jbelle6

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My ex is awesome! I have as much sexual attraction to him as I would to a brother, that's honestly all there is and that's what I see him as. He's the same.

 

We live super close so we can both see my son every day, if he's coming over, I'll cook enough dinner for him too so my son can just go out and play with him after. Then instead of son switching beds night to night, ex will go up and lay with him at 8 o'clock bedtime, read him a book till he falls asleep then leave.

He busts his butt making sure that little boy is taken care of so if he falls asleep that's just fine, he has a suit here for work if that happens. I don't even sleep on the same floor.

 

He's a kind man and an awesome Dad, my son does not even notice we are apart. He is so attached to his Dad, ex is a super involved father, son would have been devastated if he couldn't see him every day.

 

I've not had a problem with a single guy I date, they meet him and all of them actually really like him.

 

I know it could seem weird but sometimes things work in different ways.

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Lernaean_Hydra Established Member

Lernaean_Hydra

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I would agree. But also wonder if after a certain amount of time, as well as the kid getting older, wouldn't it be feasible for all that this stops at some point?

 

Yes, which is precisely why I said within 18mos or so post-divorce. However it all depends on the kid. Whatever is in the best interest of the child should come before mom or dad's new partner's preferences. There really are some divorced couples who have not one iota of feeling for one another left.

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jbelle6 Established Member

jbelle6

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Yes, which is precisely why I said within 18mos or so post-divorce. However it all depends on the kid. Whatever is in the best interest of the child should come before mom or dad's new partner's preferences. There really are some divorced couples who have not one iota of feeling for one another left.

 

 

Yes! This is me. We feel like brother and sister, truly.

Mascara Established Member

Mascara

Posted
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I've always said that people don't go straight from divorced to single. There's a period of time that's kind of a "half separated" where they can't quite let go of all the details of marriage. So they feel justified in going over, keeping a key, questioning about who they're seeing, calling at any time they like. It's more than just a cordial relationship with a former spouse, it's more like they feel like they still have some sort of "rights" to the other person. I'd advise anyone to avoid a relationship with anyone still at this stage.

 

Children need to be led gently through the process. It can lead to severe confusion and false hopes of a reconciliation if divorced parents act too much like a still-married family unit. I had a friend who's ex-husband still lived with her until the kids left home, and they ended up with a bleak outlook on marriage because they had this confusion about having their parents still together, but not in a loving, intimate marriage. They thought that was a normal relationship, and they both maintained distance in their own relationships.

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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I should also mention the guy has a biz with his ex. He works with her and then goes to her house to have dinner with them often.

 

And he talks non stop about hoe much he hates her and even describing how rarely they had sex.

 

That's a lot to say, right?

Yes, all of that would be a dealbreaker for me. Who wants all that complication and hassle?

 

There are plenty of guys out there with much less drama in their lives.

 

There really are some divorced couples who have not one iota of feeling for one another left.

True but it doesn't sound as though this guy is one of them.

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ktya Established Member

ktya

Posted
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It is the second time in as many weeks I have come across a divorced parent staying at the Ex's house overnight "for the child".

 

Now, I am at working talking to a divorced dad who tells me he will stay at his Ex's house overnight w the child when his ex is traveling etc. He only lives 10 miles away! But he sleeps in her bedroom etc! (While she is gone).

 

Kids need stability. If the ex is away there is nothing wrong for him staying in the house and in the ex's room (he probably bought the damn bed). It is much less disruptive to the kids if he stays where they live than to have two sets of toys two kids rooms two of everything. Kids get attached to their things and can want a boatload of stuff just for an overnighter, let alone a few days.

 

Then add the complexity of school, and lunches, and all the hardware that you need to pull that off. If he doesn't have custody at least half the time, he likely doesn't have these things. Plus if he's dating it can scare the daylights out of a girl without kids to see all this stuff lying around. Staying over at the ex's house means he has access to all the things he needs and is in close proximity to the school.

 

Imagine waking up in the morning and you have to go to work. But you have your kids for the week because your ex is travelling. So you have to drive 10 miles to drop the kids off for school, then probably another 15 miles to get to work. It might not seem like a long distance to you, but fire two uncooperative kids who woke up from sleeping on the couch and you have to get their clothes out of a bag your ex packed for you to get them dressed and feed them their favorite breakfast of the week that you dont have... you get the idea.

 

Staying over at the ex's house when she's there. Thats another ballgame. While I wouldn't think its a horrible thing, it has to be something that is discussed between the two of you. You also need to be able to meet her, even if it's in passing, without the kids around (women hate exes introducing their new dating partner to their kids). She might not be pleasant to you but at least then you know she knows you exist. If she's openly hostile to him in front of you, then she probably wants him back and it should be avoided.

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