bulldogz Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 In a breakup, there it is usually clear who doesn't want the relationship to end, and who does. Well, doesn't the one who dumped/doesn't want the relationship to end know that the other person is probably not moved on, and their NC means nothing, and may not be anything more than a conformation to a "rule"? It seems they would assume this, rather than thinking the dumpee is actually moving on. And that is the last memory of them, as a needy, clingy, person who is not even confident enough to send them a message.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I dont know if I agree to that degree about being clingy etc but I do tend to think he same about the NC being transparent.. also the same with making people wait for responses when first dating... I just laugh now and think "what an idiot".. it has the reverse effect on me. Maybe it works when you are young but as you get older I dont think it holds the weight anymore just makes things worse. Unless you are ONLY using NC to properly heal as you do DEFINITELY want it to be over only then is it good for healing x 1
hoping2heal Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I've never used NC to send a message to an ex. Whether they assume I've moved on or not is none of my concern. NC is done so that I can adjust to the fact that no longer will that person be in my life. If they assume I'm just conforming to a rule or being needy, that is more of their problem then it is mine. Being friends with an ex when you're still wanting more is not much more than a form of denial. Not accepting that this person is no longer going to be a partner; that somehow you're going to win them back, get them to change their minds, or be right there as soon as they realize what a dastardly mistake they made by dumping you. On top of that, it is also painful and contributes to a bunch of emotional crazymaking; the elation when you speak to them and the deep pitted low to follow. I wouldn't subject myself to that just to prove to my ex I'm not clingy or needy or moving on. 6
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 In a breakup, there it is usually clear who doesn't want the relationship to end, and who does. Well, doesn't the one who dumped/doesn't want the relationship to end know that the other person is probably not moved on, and their NC means nothing, and may not be anything more than a conformation to a "rule"? It seems they would assume this, rather than thinking the dumpee is actually moving on. And that is the last memory of them, as a needy, clingy, person who is not even confident enough to send them a message. No....not at all. What good is continued talk when it goes nowhere? What does it matter what his/her lasting impression is of you? Relationship is over already. Being around constantly shows traits of codependency and being clingy which NO ONE finds attractive. Whatever the reason, they broke up with you. What job is it of yours to keep contact? If they cared, they be with you still. If you get dumped and continue to talk to them like nothing happened, you will either be friend-zoned, kept around as an emotional tampon until they find someone else, or responded to out of guilt. "Winning" someone back only happens if they want it, and trust me, if they wanted that, they wouldn't have broken up to begin with. If they do it for you to chase after them, that's INCREDIBLY immature and shouldn't be considered okay anyways. In the whole thing, NC isnt some tactic to show ANYTHING to the other person. Its to move on. Doing it for other reasons will be lost.
stillfiguringitallou Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 See as I get older I feel the same. My ex has followed this "No Contact" rule before - several times when we have taken a break - we got involved on the back end of an emotionaly taxing relationship against my better judgement. The only message it ever sent to me - was that I was not valid - my feelings and thoughts - not valid - which he claims to this day just "isn't the truth" Realistically it was to punish me for feelings he was having. For the fact he didn't feel ready to have these feelings and to distance and dissassociate himself from them. As is evidenced by the way he reacted the last time when I told HIM I needed space and time to heal from how our relationship had transpired before I could be friends ... and his reaction ... even though HE was the one who wanted to be friends ... was to again go NC When I didn't come back begging him to reconsider - and just followed up on when the results of our child's pathology report were expected back - and another situation that had come up - and made it CLEAR that I was not asking him to come back ... he blew up at me like nobody's business about how "dare I break NC for something trivial like that" Dropped all sorts of breadcrumbs about his exciting weekend plans and how I was crazy if I thought he was coming back to me. I just said Look I'm sorry you feel that way - but I didn't ask you to come back - out relationship was not a healthy one - and not because I refused to recognize my faults and weaknesses. I have no desire to have that back. Which is how I know this wasn't about healing and reflecting ... but once again - using space to disassociate from the feelings he had and his conflict. In closing - I think NC is a load of crock. I think that is evidenced by how many people DO NOT move on and heal when participating in it. I think swallowing your emotions and pretending like you don't care - amounts to just that. If you really didn't care ... NC wouldn't even be a factor - because you wouldn't WANT contact. So there would be no need to block everything to prevent yourself from doing so. Just my opinion as an old timer whos been here (figuratively not literally) more times than I care to admit. And for what its worth - this is the first time I've done NC - and this is the hardest time I've had with a break up
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