My GF went on vacation with her best friend...

[DArtagnan2]

If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

 

I've been messaging her, and I said I'd do more, but that I want her to understand my perspective. She doesn't care about my perspective. She said that if I will do more then there's nothing else to talk about.

 

I said that I still wanted to talk about it, and she sarcastically said that she wants to talk about how I will do more, too.

 

I think you might be right.

 

I read your update too, omg I almost want to ask where does this girl live because she sounds like the last one I tried to date, I swear. The whole deflecting and saying "talk about how I will do more, too." crazy ****...

 

For her to call your parents is beyond, not Ok. I am glad that they are not going to call her back and may see her true self or intentions.

 

I am glad you ended it right there. I was going to get in to what you should do, what will continue to happen and give you a little bit of an example of my exhaustion with a situation like this. But you did the right thing. No matter what she says, do not get back with her. If she messages, do not answer. I am of the nice guy type and will respond as long as someone reaches out. I responded each time this girl reached out and in hindsight I shouldn't have. I should have stopped at not the 8th, 9th, or 12th time she broke up with me, I should have done it the first time. But I like you kept trying to do more, give more, listen more, and so on. I saw a good side of her for years as friends, and I just thought this would all stop if I did this or that. It never did.

 

She, like your girl, has some things she needs to take care of, whether she see;s it or not. I like the phrase someone said about being a few fries short of a happy meal.

 

I hope you enjoyed your Graduation and that you have fun with your new friend. Enjoy this summer and leave drama where drama is.

 

Definitely keep me updated on what happens. I would be happy to hear about it.

[PegNosePete]

She sounds totally crazy.

This is the perfect situation for NC.

She freaked out at you for no reason so what better options are there?

- Freak out at her back? Will justify (in her mind) her reasons for breaking up

- Apologise and beg? You look weak and again justifies her reasons for breaking up

- Act as if it didn't happen? It will just happen again

- Try to use reason/logic? You can't use logic when someone is acting irrationally

 

Nope - NC is the way to go. Wait for her to come crawling back. If she never does then just forget her and move on.

[DArtagnan2]

She sounds totally crazy.

This is the perfect situation for NC.

She freaked out at you for no reason so what better options are there?

- Freak out at her back? Will justify (in her mind) her reasons for breaking up

- Apologise and beg? You look weak and again justifies her reasons for breaking up

- Act as if it didn't happen? It will just happen again

- Try to use reason/logic? You can't use logic when someone is acting irrationally

 

Nope - NC is the way to go. Wait for her to come crawling back. If she never does then just forget her and move on.

 

even if she comes crawling back, be civil, but keep the door closed.

[Art_Critic]

there is soooo another guy.. he might even be with her on vacation or maybe just at the event and she broke it off with you to be with him.

 

sorry...

[Mrin]

I agree with Fondue. Also don't underestimate the impact of her friend. She might be a grimma wormtongue. But ya, your GF seems like a small selfish person.

[MrBossMan]

Update:

 

So I noticed that she replied to my last message with something like "Thanks for showing your true colors. I guess I dodged a bullet." And she called me a "punk."

 

So I replied with some of her texts between her and another guy right after me and her got together where she says she loves him and will make plans to see him soon (they're pretty much professing love for each other). I posted some more stuff with her flirting with the same guy months later. (By the way, she's completely unaware that I have her texts) And I pretty much told her that she's a cheater, and she's probably BPD.

 

She didn't reply directly, but tweeted something like "stupidity" with a bunch of smily faces behind it. She returns tomorrow.

 

What do you guys think?

Edited May 31, 2014 by MrBossMan

[Hobbes' wagon]

I think you dodged a bullet, not her. Stay away from her and go hard-core NC on her, work on yourself and your issues, and in time you'll be ready for a healthy relationship with someone new.

 

Seriously, as someone who has seen his fair share of messed up people, your ex seems to be quite messed up. I'm proud of you for standing your ground in this matter.

 

Best wishes

[ExpatInItaly]

You made a wise decision and you need to cut contact for a while. Passive- aggressive messages on social media will make you feel worse, so block or delete her in any way you can. I can't say whether she is BPD, but I have dated someone who was diagnosed as such. It is a rough, rough ride and unless and until she acknowledges her own bad behaviour, you can't make it better. You've done yourself a favour.

[georgecostanza]

This woman is a needy black hole of attention sponging shamwow tempurpedic material.

 

 

 

No amount of attention you give her will EVER satisfy her.

 

 

She skipped your graduation to go on vacation and then made it all about HER because you were busy ( giving her a taste of what she was dishing out ) and she threw a little hissy fit.

 

 

 

You will never.... EVER be able to please this tardis of emptyness.

 

Sorry, I just had to log in and LOL @ tardis of emptiness, hahahaha

[Charmander]

I'm sorry this happened to you. This situation happened to me pretty much; except, I was the one who went away. She got with a guy she had been hung up on, blah blah blah... Long story short. The best advice I can give you is go hard core NC. Once I found out that she honestly didn't care about me anymore I dropped her hard. You should as well.

 

I know you aren't 100% that their is a guy in this picture, but I get this feel from what you've already indicated is that she is making you the villain to cover her tracks.

 

Good piece of advice if she is going to try and play the "cover the bases game" with that call to your family to make you the villain being the tip of the iceberg. The first thing I would do is contact any mutual friends you give two licks about and tell them the truth before she can get her talons around them.

 

The best way to get back at her for this is live the best life you can. Ignore the fack out of her. And experience life for awhile as a single person taking some extra time just to get to know yourself better.

 

Char!

[DArtagnan2]

Update:

 

So I noticed that she replied to my last message with something like "Thanks for showing your true colors. I guess I dodged a bullet." And she called me a "punk."

 

So I replied with some of her texts between her and another guy right after me and her got together where she says she loves him and will make plans to see him soon (they're pretty much professing love for each other). I posted some more stuff with her flirting with the same guy months later. (By the way, she's completely unaware that I have her texts) And I pretty much told her that she's a cheater, and she's probably BPD.

 

She didn't reply directly, but tweeted something like "stupidity" with a bunch of smily faces behind it. She returns tomorrow.

 

What do you guys think?

 

What do I think:

 

her response to your text was a passive aggressive way to try to get you to communicate / react. She knows the buttons and presses them. Liek calling you a jerk, and knowing, you do not want someone to think of you that way. and it worked... didnt it? You sent that information instead of saying "leave me alone please" or nothing at all. Which is now only fuel for her to further come at you. She is loving this and is feeding on it. Meaning, she wrote that tweet, which you believe was a reaction to what you wrote her. If she was on the up and up, mature and a caring person, she would have responded to your text and addressed the concerns. Not further attack you with insults or name calling. She's a very hurtful and little minded person.

 

I think you also need to not look at twitter, Facebook or any other media, including text messages. She knows you will read the websites or updates and she will write to them cus she knows you read them and it will get to you. just like her text / posts did and always had. This isn't over yet.. She WILL post more, and may even gain speed on the amount of posts, especially if you react to any of her outbursts.

 

Usually, the best thing to do with a 2 year old when they act up is to ignore them. But it appears 2 year olds have more of a resolve or smartz then she, so I don't expect the attacks, whether on a website or in text, will stop. You know what will be written so you have to make yourself not look. It may take some time, it does for many of us, but you have to. her words are empty and untrue, you know it. So don't even read them.

 

If she texts, which I expect, don't play her game of defending yourself. There is nothing you will say that is going to change the outcome of this. There is nothing you can say that will change her warped thinking in her mind. Its better to wish her well if you must write and never respond again.

[Spectre]

Hi, guys. I'll try to keep this short.

 

My girlfriend of almost 3 years went overseas to a tropical location with her best friend for vacation and to attend an event. She's missing my graduation to go. I noticed she seemed stressed and worried about a lot of unrelated things the day before and wasn't making a lot of eye-contact.

 

It just strikes me as odd that a woman in a 3 yr. relationship goes on a tropical vacation without her boyfriend. I don't care if you weren't even graduating, for me that is weird considering the kind of stuff that can go down on vacations..and she is there and..I'm assuming she will be partying and drinking? Or other stuff? Since I doubt she is going there just to sit and read a book. Even with the most trustworthy women, you combine her being alone..with the booze flowing freely..and probably a bunch of attractive dudes and..I don't know, seems like the potential for disaster. See nobody is perfect, so someone in a relationship really needs to keep in mind if they are putting themselves in a bad situation where they could potentially do something they regret.

 

Though I will admit, her going on this vacation in itself isn't hugely bad, though it would raise a few flags for me, but we have more stuff that makes it worse that you have wrote, so let us get to that..

 

They've been there a few days. She sort of snapped at me because I repeatedly asked how their trip is going and she didn't want to talk about it until she got back. She was asking me what I've been up to, but nothing is really different at the moment. I'm not the one on vacation. When she explained that she would wait until later to tell me, I just said ok and changed the subject.

 

Okay so this is very suspicious to me. Why does she need to wait until she is home to tell you..but it is okay for her to ask you what you are doing? You should of just told her it had to wait until she got home, if she wants to play games then you can certainly play games.

 

But her not wanting to talk about what she is doing to her boyfriend of 3 years while she is on vacation in a tropical place is a huge red flag. Basically, if I heard that from my gf in this situation I'd assume she had done something wrong and didn't want to discuss it over the phone while she was in another state.

 

Last night, she sent me a text asking me to text her for a while. I had to go so I said that I'd try to come back in maybe 30 mins. I didn't get a chance.

 

Okay this girl is definitely bipolar. That or she just likes to f*ck with you. She tells you she doesn't want to talk to you about what she is up to, and then messages you saying you should talk to her.

 

When I checked my messages the next day (today), she had sent a message pretty much telling me that she's done with me because I'm not there for her, etc (which is weird because she's missing my graduation). She also accused me of not "giving all of myself" and not communicating like I should.

 

Wow, so even if we ignore everything else and say this girl isn't doing shady things while on vacation, her dumping a guy of 3 years in a text msg while she is on vacation speaks volumes about her. This girl is toxic and it honestly seems like she has probably either cheated on you or is damn well close to cheating, but this right here is an act worthy of just never speaking to her again.

 

I acknowledged that I could be more emotionally supportive, but to be honest, we have a clear double-standard. If I missed her graduation to go on a vacation, she'd definitely be angry as hell. In the end of this, she asked me if I will change and make more of an effort, and I said I will, but I need trust. She said her phone is dying, so she'll text me when she charges it.

 

I'm sorry dude but if you aren't more emotional supportive for her..I can completely understand why you are. Either your gf is bipolar and has serious issues..or she is just playing games. Also, why can't she just text you WHILE her phone charges. I can turn my phone on while it is in the charger. It is funny to me that her phone begins to die as soon as you bring up talking about trust.

 

What's going on, and what should I do to make her feel like I care?

 

I think you should stop talking to her and break up with her. She dumped you over a text msg and from what you said..you guys technically never got back together even if you said you would change. So just go no contact man. Just tell her she is too much of a hypocrite for you to be with.

 

Even if she is bi polar and not playing games..clearly someone else in her life would of noticed, so why isn't she taking steps to help with it? There are meds etc. for this. Since she hasn't even gone out of her way to try to fix this potentially issue, either she isn't bi polar or doesn't care enough about you to look into it and see if she has it. Either way, dump her. Bi polar or not, she dumped you over a text message, and plays games with you.

 

She's had a lot of exes, also... some at the same time.

 

What does this even mean? It sounds like you are saying in the past she would be dating multiple guys at once, which means she is a cheater. That is another red flag, she has cheated in the past on other guys..she is shady to you, and she acts suspicious like she is either cheating on you or just messing with you. Either way, this isn't the way someone in love with her boyfriend acts.

 

You only have one option, dump her and go no contact. Hell, take a page out of her classy book and do it over text. Or hell, do it on Facebook. But yeah, dump her, say you are tired of her games and that you don't want her to text you anymore.

[MidwestUSA]

Spectre: I believe you're confusing bipolar with BPD. FYI.

[MrBossMan]

Thanks guys. I read everything, and your replies are extremely helpful in piecing things together and figuring it all out. An outside, "uninterested" opinion is so valuable in showing me that I'm not crazy.

 

Here's an update:

 

Her mom called me.

 

My gf is back in the states and at home. (I'll try not to use the words "she" or "her" to avoid confusion).

 

Her mom said that my gf seems very stressed out and upset. Gf's sister showed her one of my messages (probably not the last one with the outright cheating allegations, which I won't tell about unless I have no choice. I'm not trying to ruin her life). She says she won't rush to anyone's side because she doesn't know the whole story. (She's pretty awesome).

 

Her mom had to hang up for a while, called back, and told me that my gf asked if she was on the phone with me and asked what I said about the situation and how I sound. Mom told her that I didn't say anything, but I sound "happy."

 

Mom said she also told my gf that she should NOT have called my parents like she did... at least until we've come to a conclusion. Her mom wants us to be civil even if we ultimately decide to end the relationship, which sounds reasonable. I said I'd tell her my perspective another day.

 

I don't want to break NC, so I'll think about what to do. I may wait a week or something to decide.

 

Opinions?

Edited June 2, 2014 by MrBossMan

[MrBossMan]

She's had a lot of exes, also... some at the same time.

 

What does this even mean? It sounds like you are saying in the past she would be dating multiple guys at once, which means she is a cheater. That is another red flag, she has cheated in the past on other guys..

 

Yes. That's exactly what I meant. She told me she was simultaneously in relationships of varying seriousness with 5 guys, with some of them being long-distance relationships. She broke it off with them for me, and some of them dumped her (I wonder why) before I came along.

 

But that would never happen to me, right? I'm special, right?

Edited June 2, 2014 by MrBossMan

[Woggle]

Be glad she showed her true colors before you made any serious commitment to her.

[bubbaganoosh]

Do you live together? Or does she have any of her things at your home? If she does, box them up, drop them of at Mumsy's and tell her to go to hell and walk away while you still have your skin. The woman's a nut and she's going to make you life worse if you continue with her in any way. End it now.

[MrBossMan]

Do you live together? Or does she have any of her things at your home? If she does, box them up, drop them of at Mumsy's and tell her to go to hell and walk away while you still have your skin. The woman's a nut and she's going to make you life worse if you continue with her in any way. End it now.

 

We don't live together, but I do have one or two of her things. She angrily told me to drop them off. I told her she has to pick them up and to email a full day ahead of doing so. I'm not Fedex.

[ThatMan]

Mom said she also told my gf that she should NOT have called my parents like she did... at least until we've come to a conclusion. Her mom wants us to be civil even if we ultimately decide to end the relationship, which sounds reasonable. I said I'd tell her my perspective another day.

 

I don't want to break NC, so I'll think about what to do. I may wait a week or something to decide.

 

Opinions?

My opinion - What the ****?

 

Seriously, MrBossMan, what are you doing?

 

Your mom doesn't need to know the intimate details of your relationships. Your dad doesn't need to know the details of your relationships. Your ex's sister, mother, or neighbors who live down the street don't need to know about your relationships. Never handle your own personal relationships through some middle man/woman. You need to be capable of handling your own personal business without somebody's mom stepping in for you.

 

You do not need to validate your perspective to anybody, and certainly not to your ex's mother. Think about this - The mother knew your girlfriend had the hots for an old flame. Now the mother wants you to 'be civil' while you're being treated like garbage by a woman who probably put another man's penis inside of her. That's fine and she's entitled to her opinion. But right now you need to look after yourself. There are many benefits to ending all contact with these sort of people. Not engaging your ex in her jabs, insults, and moving on is a civil thing to do. You don't have to just sit there silently and take it.

[michellew]

A little late, but may I ask what event she had to attend on this vacation?

[MrBossMan]

My opinion - What the ****?

 

Seriously, MrBossMan, what are you doing?

 

Your mom doesn't need to know the intimate details of your relationships. Your dad doesn't need to know the details of your relationships. Your ex's sister, mother, or neighbors who live down the street don't need to know about your relationships. Never handle your own personal relationships through some middle man/woman. You need to be capable of handling your own personal business without somebody's mom stepping in for you.

 

You do not need to validate your perspective to anybody, and certainly not to your ex's mother. Think about this - The mother knew your girlfriend had the hots for an old flame. Now the mother wants you to 'be civil' while you're being treated like garbage by a woman who probably put another man's penis inside of her. That's fine and she's entitled to her opinion. But right now you need to look after yourself. There are many benefits to ending all contact with these sort of people. Not engaging your ex in her jabs, insults, and moving on is a civil thing to do. You don't have to just sit there silently and take it.

 

True. The only reason I'm ok with her mom being involved is that her mom is the only one who seems to be able to talk her out of her craziness, and she's good at it.

[MrBossMan]

A little late, but may I ask what event she had to attend on this vacation?

 

Wedding of an acquaintance. If it was a close friend or family, it would be understandable.

 

I never raised anything but a little disappointment in that she was missing my graduation. Well, that WAS until she turned into a hypocrite about it, saying I wasn't there for her. I was showing her that I had more cause to be angry than she did. Logic lost that day.

[MrBossMan]

Do you live together? Or does she have any of her things at your home? If she does, box them up, drop them of at Mumsy's and tell her to go to hell and walk away while you still have your skin. The woman's a nut and she's going to make you life worse if you continue with her in any way. End it now.

 

And let me add, bubbaganoosh, that I was not borrowing or using her things, but storing them for her.

[ThatMan]

True. The only reason I'm ok with her mom being involved is that her mom is the only one who seems to be able to talk her out of her craziness, and she's good at it.

 

Answer, (silently and for yourself), why this is somehow relevant.

 

Do you intend to pick things back up with your ex and continue the relationship? Would you prefer to work things out and continue involving yourself in the life of a woman who would treat you this way? Do you intend to keep her mother living under the same roof as the two of you - all to keep the craziness at bay?

 

Why do you think her mother can talk your ex our of her craziness?

Let me rephrase - why do you even believe her mother can make your ex act less crazy?

What part about this seems reasonable to you?

Edited June 2, 2014 by ThatMan

[MrBossMan]

Answer, (silently and for yourself), why this is somehow relevant.

 

Do you intend to pick things back up with your ex and continue the relationship? Would you prefer to work things out and continue involving yourself in the life of a woman who would treat you this way? Do you intend to keep her mother living under the same roof as the two of you - all to keep the craziness at bay?

 

Why do you think her mother can talk your ex our of her craziness?

 

No, I have no intention of going back. I intend to leave for good. I should have left years ago because I've always had good reason to.

 

All her mom wants is for us to be civil about it, even if it's over (which it is). She's a very peaceful person, and she can't bear to know that we're so angry at each other. I don't mind her mom being involved because she can keep my gf in check throughout this process, which means stopping me from being demonized unfairly.