My GF went on vacation with her best friend...

[MrBossMan]

Hi, guys. I'll try to keep this short.

 

My girlfriend of almost 3 years went overseas to a tropical location with her best friend for vacation and to attend an event. She's missing my graduation to go. I noticed she seemed stressed and worried about a lot of unrelated things the day before and wasn't making a lot of eye-contact.

 

They've been there a few days. She sort of snapped at me because I repeatedly asked how their trip is going and she didn't want to talk about it until she got back. She was asking me what I've been up to, but nothing is really different at the moment. I'm not the one on vacation. When she explained that she would wait until later to tell me, I just said ok and changed the subject.

 

Last night, she sent me a text asking me to text her for a while. I had to go so I said that I'd try to come back in maybe 30 mins. I didn't get a chance.

 

When I checked my messages the next day (today), she had sent a message pretty much telling me that she's done with me because I'm not there for her, etc (which is weird because she's missing my graduation). She also accused me of not "giving all of myself" and not communicating like I should.

 

There were other accusations which were all just her putting a negative spin on things that I did. For example, I removed her as an admin on one of my Facebook pages because I was making a change that I wanted to surprise her with (and I already told her I was doing some secret stuff that I didn't want her to see yet).

 

I acknowledged that I could be more emotionally supportive, but to be honest, we have a clear double-standard. If I missed her graduation to go on a vacation, she'd definitely be angry as hell. In the end of this, she asked me if I will change and make more of an effort, and I said I will, but I need trust. She said her phone is dying, so she'll text me when she charges it.

 

What's going on, and what should I do to make her feel like I care?

 

I should also add that she's told me I don't give enough emotional support in the past, but all accusations are very subjective. She's had a lot of exes, also... some at the same time.

[MrBossMan]

I just want to know what I should do.

Is it possible that someone else is in the picture?

[d0nnivain]

At this point while she's away there is not much you can do.

 

When she gets home set up one meeting to talk. Tell her how upset you were that she broke up with you via text. Very uncool. Find out exactly what she wants from you & whether you are willing to give it.

 

If that meeting doesn't go well, back off. Take the break up as gospel & gear up for a summer as a single guy.

[MrBossMan]

At this point while she's away there is not much you can do.

 

When she gets home set up one meeting to talk. Tell her how upset you were that she broke up with you via text. Very uncool. Find out exactly what she wants from you & whether you are willing to give it.

 

If that meeting doesn't go well, back off. Take the break up as gospel & gear up for a summer as a single guy.

 

Yes, there isn't much I can do now. She complains that she hasn't heard much from me in the 3 days she's been gone (when I've messaged her everyday... sometimes with her disappearing in the middle of conversation).

[Fondue]

I hate to be "that guy," but I'm gonna be "that guy."

 

Do you think she's trying to be cold to you and making you seem "bad" and "at fault" so that she makes up an excuse in her mind to possibly misbehave during this vacation?

 

Be honest.

 

THat's how I interpreted her behavior. She is being sketchy. Purposefully making you look like a villain, all the while she has freedom so many miles away from you.

 

People will often put blame on the other person and use them as a scapegoat to not feel the guilt of what they're doing or want to do.

 

"He deserves it for x,y,z" type deal.

 

Does that make sense?

[MrBossMan]

I hate to be "that guy," but I'm gonna be "that guy."

 

Do you think she's trying to be cold to you and making you seem "bad" and "at fault" so that she makes up an excuse in her mind to possibly misbehave during this vacation?

 

Be honest.

 

THat's how I interpreted her behavior. She is being sketchy. Purposefully making you look like a villain, all the while she has freedom so many miles away from you.

 

People will often put blame on the other person and use them as a scapegoat to not feel the guilt of what they're doing or want to do.

 

"He deserves it for x,y,z" type deal.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Gaslighting. I'm starting to wonder about that. I didn't want to say for the sake of keeping it short, but I will:

 

Me and her went on vacation (with the same best friend and her family) about 2 years ago to the same location (which is where she's from). She went with them and I got there about 3 days later. The family had a little party and her ex's mom attended.

 

When it was over, someone asked me where she was, and I noticed she wasn't inside. I had to bring something outside and I noticed she was standing around with her ex's mom (I didn't know she was an ex's mom at the time). My gf was waiting for her ex to come and pick his mom up.

 

When I got back she was there talking to him and seemed like she was smitten and in a daze. I knew who he was because I'd seen his pic before (they were together for like 6 years). Me and her best friend (a girl) tried to talk to her, but she was so in a daze that not even me waving my hand in front of her face woke her up, no lie. I almost left her over that alone.

 

Ever since then, she'll have these episodes of irrational emotion, but in the last 3 or 4 months she seemed fine.

 

...until now. But she has revealed that she is aware of things that have been going on with him once or twice.

 

Should I just ask if she's interested in someone else, or if she saw her ex?

[pteromom]

Do you think she's trying to be cold to you and making you seem "bad" and "at fault" so that she makes up an excuse in her mind to possibly misbehave during this vacation?

 

THat's how I interpreted her behavior.

 

That's my interpretation too.

 

But assuming that's not the case, OP, you need to talk to her in depth about what she needs from you. Not just "be there for me emotionally", because that means different things to different people.

 

But very specifically, what does she want?

 

If you know what she wants, you have an opportunity to give it to her.

[MrBossMan]

I hate to be "that guy," but I'm gonna be "that guy."

 

Do you think she's trying to be cold to you and making you seem "bad" and "at fault" so that she makes up an excuse in her mind to possibly misbehave during this vacation?

 

Be honest.

 

THat's how I interpreted her behavior. She is being sketchy. Purposefully making you look like a villain, all the while she has freedom so many miles away from you.

 

People will often put blame on the other person and use them as a scapegoat to not feel the guilt of what they're doing or want to do.

 

"He deserves it for x,y,z" type deal.

 

Does that make sense?

That's my interpretation too.

 

But assuming that's not the case, OP, you need to talk to her in depth about what she needs from you. Not just "be there for me emotionally", because that means different things to different people.

 

But very specifically, what does she want?

 

If you know what she wants, you have an opportunity to give it to her.

 

Also, the last time she got angry at me for nothing, I accused her of acting out of guilt. She IMMEDIATELY forgot she was angry at me and went into deny and deflect mode. Then she went longer without fighting me than she's gone since that incident with the ex happened.

 

Her best friend is kind of trustworthy and honest, though, so that might mean she might not get the chance to do anything bad even if she wanted to.

 

pteromom, that's the problem. She wants something subjective. She wants me to make her feel special and like I care. I've altered a lot since the beginning of this relationship and I do what I can, but sooner or later, this happens.

 

Several people told me in a thread a long time ago that she's definitely BPD. But I can't tell her.

 

My question now:

Should I ask if there is or if there was ever anyone else she was interested in or attracted to?

Edited May 28, 2014 by MrBossMan

[Keenly]

This woman is a needy black hole of attention sponging shamwow tempurpedic material.

 

 

 

No amount of attention you give her will EVER satisfy her.

 

 

She skipped your graduation to go on vacation and then made it all about HER because you were busy ( giving her a taste of what she was dishing out ) and she threw a little hissy fit.

 

 

 

You will never.... EVER be able to please this tardis of emptyness.

[MrBossMan]

This woman is a needy black hole of attention sponging shamwow tempurpedic material.

 

 

 

No amount of attention you give her will EVER satisfy her.

 

 

She skipped your graduation to go on vacation and then made it all about HER because you were busy ( giving her a taste of what she was dishing out ) and she threw a little hissy fit.

 

 

 

You will never.... EVER be able to please this tardis of emptyness.

 

A while back, I would've tried to deny this. But it's probably true.

[Woggle]

Just cut your losses. You can give her everything and this scenario will still play out.

[Keke1]

This woman is a needy black hole of attention sponging shamwow tempurpedic material.

 

 

 

No amount of attention you give her will EVER satisfy her.

 

 

She skipped your graduation to go on vacation and then made it all about HER because you were busy ( giving her a taste of what she was dishing out ) and she threw a little hissy fit.

 

 

 

You will never.... EVER be able to please this tardis of emptyness.

 

I don't think this is it

[Keke1]

I hate to be "that guy," but I'm gonna be "that guy."

 

Do you think she's trying to be cold to you and making you seem "bad" and "at fault" so that she makes up an excuse in her mind to possibly misbehave during this vacation?

 

Be honest.

 

THat's how I interpreted her behavior. She is being sketchy. Purposefully making you look like a villain, all the while she has freedom so many miles away from you.

 

People will often put blame on the other person and use them as a scapegoat to not feel the guilt of what they're doing or want to do.

 

"He deserves it for x,y,z" type deal.

 

Does that make sense?

This is it. OP plz run from this mess ASAP

[mrs rubble]

I'm just gobsmacked that she has the gaul to complain you aren't there for her! While she's on vacation and while she's not there for your graduation!

She's a very, very selfish person.

I interpreted her behaviour the same way as fondue^

I bet she is up to no good.

 

What are you going to do about it?

[MrBossMan]

I'm just gobsmacked that she has the gaul to complain you aren't there for her! While she's on vacation and while she's not there for your graduation!

She's a very, very selfish person.

I interpreted her behaviour the same way as fondue^

I bet she is up to no good.

 

What are you going to do about it?

 

I'm going to ask and see what she says. Even if she denies, I'll look for other signs.

 

I mentioned the graduation thing in response, and she said, "it's just a ceremony" as if it isn't a big deal.

[DArtagnan2]

well, it appears she is going to "tell you" when she gets back. So I guess if it was me, I would be prepared to say what I think and want from a relationship/partner and make sure to clearly get that across to her.

 

She sounds a lot like the girl I last tried to date. She had told me once that she was a "center of attention" kind of girl. But not in the definition it usually means, where someone needs to be the center of attention in a group of people. After a few weeks, I got what she meant. It appears your girl here, is someone who needs to be the center of attention in a relationship.

 

Everything and anything needs to be about her. If something comes up with you, whether you are sick, hurt, or going through something that means something to you, like this graduation, well then, you are a grown ass man to take care of yourself or like she said "its just a ceremony".

 

This is how it will be if you stay with her. You will constantly be trying to maneuver so to make the relationship work while she continues to throw banana peels in the road. if it hasn't already, it will get exhausting.

 

I agree with the other that say she is up to starting an issue so to justify in not to everyone else, but even in her own mind, what she wants to do on this vacation. To me, anyone that plays that card, can have a good time on vacation and not have to worry about me at all. Easier said then done when feelings are involved, but at some point, one has to man up and recognize reality and deal with it.

[MrBossMan]

well, it appears she is going to "tell you" when she gets back. So I guess if it was me, I would be prepared to say what I think and want from a relationship/partner and make sure to clearly get that across to her.

 

She sounds a lot like the girl I last tried to date. She had told me once that she was a "center of attention" kind of girl. But not in the definition it usually means, where someone needs to be the center of attention in a group of people. After a few weeks, I got what she meant. It appears your girl here, is someone who needs to be the center of attention in a relationship.

 

Everything and anything needs to be about her. If something comes up with you, whether you are sick, hurt, or going through something that means something to you, like this graduation, well then, you are a grown ass man to take care of yourself or like she said "its just a ceremony".

 

This is how it will be if you stay with her. You will constantly be trying to maneuver so to make the relationship work while she continues to throw banana peels in the road. if it hasn't already, it will get exhausting.

 

I agree with the other that say she is up to starting an issue so to justify in not to everyone else, but even in her own mind, what she wants to do on this vacation. To me, anyone that plays that card, can have a good time on vacation and not have to worry about me at all. Easier said then done when feelings are involved, but at some point, one has to man up and recognize reality and deal with it.

 

If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

 

I've been messaging her, and I said I'd do more, but that I want her to understand my perspective. She doesn't care about my perspective. She said that if I will do more then there's nothing else to talk about.

 

I said that I still wanted to talk about it, and she sarcastically said that she wants to talk about how I will do more, too.

 

I think you might be right.

[bubbaganoosh]

I mentioned the graduation thing in response, and she said, "it's just a ceremony" as if it isn't a big deal.

 

And your reply should have been, "To me it is. I busted my ass to get here and your more interested in yourself.

 

Look. If it's me and she sends another message or phone call and complains then stop messaging and the phone calls. Let her make the move and I wouldn't say anymore until she came back home.

 

It's a whole lot harder saying it to your face then it is to text. Hell your texting her and she has her phone in her back pocket farting on it.

[MrBossMan]

And your reply should have been, "To me it is. I busted my ass to get here and your more interested in yourself.

 

Look. If it's me and she sends another message or phone call and complains then stop messaging and the phone calls. Let her make the move and I wouldn't say anymore until she came back home.

 

It's a whole lot harder saying it to your face then it is to text. Hell your texting her and she has her phone in her back pocket farting on it.

 

Well, I said that it means something to me.

 

I also found out that she's missing her sister's graduation for this vacation, too. I don't know what to think about that.

[MrBossMan]

Update:

 

So she did the exact same thing to me. She disappeared for the night, but this is after agreeing that we would chat later.

 

So, with the roles reversed, I used a little bit of her own language on her to see how she reacts. She flips out when she reads it in the morning. Then she breaks up with me again.

 

So I'm like, wait a minute. We switched roles and I'm still the bad guy?

 

So I pretty much say that she's right and it's over.

 

Today (on my graduation day), she calls my parents from outside the country and leaves a message saying she's leaving me and she gives an explanation that absolves herself from any blame at all. She pretty much just says that she asked me to be closer and was met with arguments and sarcasm. Yes. That's her explanation. She tells them to call her, but my parents say they will not. My dad even agrees that it's possible that she's up to no good on her vacation and is justifying it by villanizing me.

 

So I guess I'm done with her.

 

I was already playing the field today.

 

Will update if anything happens.

[Woggle]

Be glad to be rid of her.

[ThatMan]

It'll probably a good idea to eventually get yourself tested.

[ExpatInItaly]

Update:

 

So she did the exact same thing to me. She disappeared for the night, but this is after agreeing that we would chat later.

 

So, with the roles reversed, I used a little bit of her own language on her to see how she reacts. She flips out when she reads it in the morning. Then she breaks up with me again.

 

So I'm like, wait a minute. We switched roles and I'm still the bad guy?

 

So I pretty much say that she's right and it's over.

 

Today (on my graduation day), she calls my parents from outside the country and leaves a message saying she's leaving me and she gives an explanation that absolves herself from any blame at all. She pretty much just says that she asked me to be closer and was met with arguments and sarcasm. Yes. That's her explanation. She tells them to call her, but my parents say they will not. My dad even agrees that it's possible that she's up to no good on her vacation and is justifying it by villanizing me.

 

So I guess I'm done with her.

 

I was already playing the field today.

 

Will update if anything happens.

 

Stay broken up with her. She can't give you what you want, need or deserve in a relationship. You won't ever be able to satisfy her. This girl likes to have her cake and eat it too, all the while expecting you to just hang around and be a doormat she can stomp all over. She got upset when she realized she can't treat you that way. Boo hoo.

 

Also..she called your parents. WTF. That is so inappropriate it's beyond comprehension.

 

She's a few fries short of a Happy Meal

[Ninjainpajamas]

You should have never even entertained this woman even for a second, should have been an automatic dump, I would have laughed in her face and ignored her, cut her off like she didn't even exist.

 

She's ditching you on your graduation, accusing you of being this or that in the relationship then dumping you on vacation then calling your parents over the phone with her sad story. The girl obviously thinks you're a b**ch.

 

Women don't run far away with a "best friend", then break up with you half-way around the world or whatever, and ditch you on your graduation when they're still emotionally invested with you.

 

I've even been the "friend" guy before in the past with women like this, the guy in background with a woman who gave an indication that she was probably stringing some poor sucker along like you making him feel like the bad guy in the relationship while she was being the bad girl in reality, I have no idea what she was telling this other guy or even cared to know but It was probably a lot like she was telling you to make herself feel less guilty and bad, and I wasn't seriously invested or interested in her anyway, and she knew I was unavailable...but we were not doing "friendly" things by any means in bed for several days.

 

So I don't know who she's on vacation with, I'm assuming a female friend but a male definitely sounds involved, either one she met there or elsewhere.

 

The thing is, after she realizes she's alone again and the unavailable guy isn't interested in a relationship with her after all and doesn't take her seriously...guess who she's going to come back to? don't be that guy, I've seen it happen to a lot of guys and I pity them for not having the balls to move on, I've seen women treat some guys like dirt and other guys like kings just based on the behavior of the man...it's really sad and don't put anything past women because you have no idea, trust me on that one.

[harrybrown]

Do the 180.

 

Run! get her out of your life and keep her out of your life.

 

It is so good that you are not married to her.