i wonder sometimes...

[stillfiguringitallou]

If things like this board actually perpetuate the problem.

 

I see so many people on here who are all

 

"GO NC!"

"NO CLOSURE LETTER"

"NO CONFRONTATIONS WITH EX, NO LASHING OUT"

 

And I wonder if we realize - any of us - how extremely unhealthy that is. A big relationship issue in today's society is conflict avoidance. By avoiding a conflict with our ex because "how it may make us look" we are refusing them the ability to both acknowledge these weaknesses - and turn them into strengths - or reversely - deny them and provide us with the closure we need to understand it's "not all our fault" that for whatever reason - this person just decided we were not a good match for them.

 

The reason I feel this is so important is because we tend to self internalize relationship issues. I see more and more on this board "If only I would have done... said ... did." and that is self defeating - to believe that your relationship ended SOLELY based on anything you did or did not do.

 

The other thing I see - A LOT - on these boards. Is people entering into relationships with the SAME EXACT TYPE of person - and then back on here - cutting off all contact - running away from the issue - and more importantly running away from the conflict because it hurts.

 

Someone once said

"great change comes from great pain"

"the strongest swords are formed from the hottest fires"

 

Why do you CARE what your ex thinks of you after confronting them. Why do you CARE that pointing out the ways they failed your relationship when they don't want to see or hear them - might prevent a reconciliation down the line.

 

Why do you focus all your energy on IGNORING the issues instead of facing them?

 

There are situations where nothing you did was "wrong" and nothing they did was "wrong" and the relationship was just not a good idea from the start. But those are the rare exceptions to the rule my friends, especially in long term relationships.

 

Why are we so willing to acknowledge the truth - and apologize here anonymously - and call them to task here - anonymously - and so scared to do so in real life?

 

I chose to stop doing that. I got the closure I needed - the way I handled it (apologizing for the things I know I handled incorrectly - and pointing out that he was no angel either - that EVERYONE is bound to become insecure in a relationship where someone is telling you they love you and can't wait for your future one day - and that they can't stand you the next) has given me some closure.

 

I can admit that even though I love him - he isn't good for me - his way of coping with stress is downright destructive to me.

 

And more importantly I can move forward knowing that he realizes I DO see these things - and that without dramatic growth I WILL NOT be open to reconciliation.

 

And also with the knowledge that I mean that.

 

I hate seeing people on here in no contact 2 and three years later - actually believing that THAT is going to help them and help them move forward - when obviously - it hasn't.

 

Be Brave

Be Crazy

Be as immature as they were.

 

Stand up for yourself - respect yourself enough to give yourself that final confrontation. To tell them - look I love you - and I'm sad it didn't work out - but I'm alive - and I have moments of happiness that don't involve you - and I WILL be okay.

 

Then take a long look inside yourself and ask yourself WHY.

 

Why has this much time passed and you won't, can't - let go of something that is so negative.

 

Do your work before getting involved with someone else.

 

Because while there are those few people in this world that have absolutely no sense of remorse or responsibility.

 

The truth is - most people who hurt someone - are people like us.

 

People who have been hurt dearly and can't move past it. And so those who come after the person who hurt them - pay for actions and choices they had absolutely nothing to do with.

 

Do your work.

 

Become whole.

 

Become what you are meant to be.

[bluenote]

I agree with you to a large extend, but sometimes like in my case its perhaps best to cut contact when all else fails.

 

I never went NC after our unconfirmed breakup. My lady (ex) was cheating, I never cought her in the act but all the things that hapened and her lies,deceipt and actions more than proved and confirmed this although she blatantly denies everything. I ca;t realy go into details because it will be too long and boring. I suffered with her cheating for a long time, all she would say is that she is so sorry, she loves me and doesn;t want to loose me,it won;t hapen again and that I give her last chance. I gave her about four last chances.

 

The last incident hapened while she was pregnant. She went to visit her famly at vilage and within two days contact with her became impossible, she just didn;t have time to talk to me, and it was so frustrating. From experience I knew there must be a man involved. Well she came back and that same eveing I tried to cotact her. She simply tricked me lied that she was somwhere she was not. WE didn;t meet on her first day back notr the whole of the next day. She text me the afternoon of the next day saying that she is sorry for the last evening and that I shouldn't leave her for that. I got her cellphone reords and there was enough prove what she was busy with. She however still denies and tried to downplay it by saying it was just innocent fooling around. Try imagine the kinds of emotions that can give you. From then on I have lost all trust in her I don't believ a word she says.

 

Unfortunate for me,she said the baby is mine, I accepted and for the last nine months since baby was born, I support him and we are in contact. She says she loves me and wants to be with me. I told her that she must tell me the trueth that I know already anyway. I wanted her to confess. The problem is now its a situation where I force her to do tha, I beg her to say something that will give me peace or closure.All she says is that she didn't sleep with any other men and that she is sorry she hurt me. It is so frustrating for me because I tols her how the thingas she did made me feel, how it hurts and I give her reasons why I know she slept with other men. then she claims that I don't believ in her or believe her, I then have to repeat everything from the top. Its like madness. I finaly told her that for my sanity I can't go on doing this and that I don't need any explanations or anything at all from her. It is tough and I am so angry that she refuses to me me what I need. She f..d around and enjoyed herself, now she wants to forget it and she wants me to just forgive her, forget and play love love baby father.

 

How in the world does one deal with this, I spoke to her infact I had a hundred sermons each several hours long,I poured out my heart and perhaps my guts, but nothing. I felt needy, didn't want to loose her, was afraid so to say, just couldn't imagine any life without her, I couldn't bear the thought of her f... any more other men, such a mix of just negative feelings. Lost self confidence and self worth in the process. I am now that I have done everything I could said everything I could, there is nothing more I can do. I won't just shruk off everything and continue asif nothing hapened as usual, it means that she gets way with it and it also means that she can do it again anytime the occasion arises and then I suffer again. I am convinced its best to swallow everything and get out of her way, No Contact,

[learning_slowly]

I think the people that are on here years later talking about NC, would be on here years later talking about NC if they screamed and shouted at their partner.

 

Maybe it would help some realise the relationship is over if their was a big fight. But if you realise it's over then no contact keeps your dignity and speeds up your moving on.

 

Why do you have to have contact with somebody who will no longer be in your life?

[mangetout]

NC is for those who try and change their partners to fall back in love with them. The ones who end up begging, pleading and negotiating to get another chance.

 

 

There is nothing more to discuss if your ex wishes to remain an ex. NC helps you to move on. So I do agree to it.

 

 

MY BU was 7 months ago and I would break NC after about a week. My ex would always be glad to hear from me, I would then ask to see him, we would meet and then he left. I would be devastated and ask him why he broke it off.

I was pitiful. This happened every time I broke NC

 

 

But since thinking NC is for my self development, I have grown leaps and bounds. My ex no longer has a hold on me any longer.

 

 

Its a good thing to do

[stillfiguringitallou]

The thing is..

 

Reading through most of these posts, and I've read through a lot of them.

 

The greater majority of people use NC because everyone tells them that is what is best for them.

 

I'm not saying you SHOULD WANT to have contact with an ex. What I'm saying is that until you do - NC is pointless.

 

Perhaps I'm just coming from a different perspective. Our relationship wasn't a great one, but not because the relationship itself wasn't great, but because things that happened in his past caused him to always FEEL like it wasn't as great as it SEEMED. That I wasn't as great as I SEEMED. And because of that he would be catty, and push me away over and over again.

 

The last two times this happened I let him.

 

The last time it happened, I pushed back.

 

And now - now he is using that as an excuse to show that he was "right all along" and that somehow - the person that put up with that crap from him all along is not who they claimed to be, and my pushing back is a sign I never REALLY CARED.

 

So for me, confronting him about his role in the relationship didn't COST ME my dignity, it gave it back to me. It gave me back my voice.

 

I feel like that is the case whenever you try to move on and you can't. Perhaps it is just letting them walk away silently that steals your dignity.

 

Bluenote -

 

I read your entire post, I didn't see anywhere in there where anyone confirmed your ex was actually cheating on you. Is it possible your own insecurities drove her away - and now you are using this as confirmation she cheated on you, and perpetuating yesterdays issue into todays reconciliation by demanding she admit the truth.

[learning_slowly]

Contact may continue to let you believe their is a chance of a loving relationship there.

If you go NC and they don't get in contact with you, then hopefully you will see the loving relationship no longer exists.

 

You could have contact and figure this out. And you will often say things which you may regret. But the point is, how will the contact change the outcome?

 

If you think contact will speed up your realisation that the relationship is dead and let you cry and move forward, then go for it.

 

Otherwise if you know it's dead, then go NC and move on.

[stillfiguringitallou]

THIS I agree with

 

Contact did help me realize it was over - and that it should have been a long time ago.

 

Contact allowed me to compare his actions this time to the last time. My reactions and how they impacted HIS reaction. Contact made me realize the relationship was over FOR ME.