germain Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) I've been dating a girl for two months, and we're starting to fall pretty hard for each other. She asked about being exclusive/committed/whatever, but I told her that I was hesitant because: She's a bit younger than I am and likes to party (I don't anymore). But what's troubling is she has casually mentioned a few things that seem like she can be careless - like passing out drunk in some random person's bed who later joined her (nothing happened apparently) or having intentionally gotten blackout drunk at parties/not knowing where she was waking up and seeming proud about it when telling this to me. After breaking up with an ex, he stalked her for a little bit right up until we started dating. And then a week or so into me seeing her, she says she contacted him about meeting to get some sort of commemorative t-shirt from a function they attended that she wants. This guy was stalking you...what? A shirt?? At the time I pointed out this was a bit ridiculous. She saw no issues with it. Telling her these things, she downplayed most of it. She seemed appreciative about my being honest but told me she's now hesitant herself, because I could pull back at any time. I understand that. Would you guys consider these serious issues/red flags? Some of it seems her being a bit immature, which I'm sure is playing a part. Like I suspect she was trying to make me jealous with the ex for instance, but she denies that. While she said she wasn't in a relationship in any of these situations, some of this still turns me off about her personality. And yet I still really adore this girl. I just need an objective opinion as I'm too blinded by infatuation at the moment. Edited May 28, 2014 by germain
d0nnivain Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Yellow flags because she has the potential to grow out of them. People toss around the word stalking. I suspect the EX was being overly persistent & she wasn't doing much to discourage it. When she described his behavior to you even if she used the word stalking, I bet it was more that she was bragging to you that she is desireable. If she hadn't started up with you she would have been happy to let him continue. For his part, once you showed up, he disappeared so he was not dangerous. Thus, when he finally go the message that it was over & she understood that too, she decided it was time to get her stuff back. As for the drinking & blacking out, again I suspect that if you two do things other than drink for entertainment & you model appropriate behavior for her (not blacking out), she may stop. If she doesn't she's on the road to alcohol abuse but for now if you really like her & think she won't do those things while dating you, see what happens. 3
Gaeta Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Being exclusive is not an engagement or a marriage, it doesn't lock you into anything other than you will only date each other. If in 2 months you cannot deal with her red flags anymore then you end the relationship, no more to it. That's what dating is about. 2
Mrin Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Yellow flags certainly - the drinking thing mainly. But I wouldn't see why you would bail for them. I would keep dating and progressing and see what happens. Heck, if past drunken behavior were a red flag I would be downright undatable! 3
ExpatInItaly Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 It doesn't sound as though her ex was "stalking" her. True victims of stalking are generally terorrized by their stalkers and would never voluntarily intitiate contact or meet them. So that is her tossing around a term that doesn't appear to describe the situation. As others said, he was likely still interested in her but not posing any serious threat to her. As for the other concerns, I would say they're not automatic deal-breakers but it really wouldn't make me confident that we were a match. This really depends on whether or not she's still interested in keeping up the party lifestyle. If a guy I was dating were like her, I would assume that we're at different points in our lives and probably not relationship-bound in this moment. I also wouldn't be interested in worrying about whether or not he could handle himself when out partying with friends. I would be turned off by the fact he'd intentionally drink to the point of blacking out - and you're right to be concerned about her judgment there. She's putting herself at risk by doing this and the lack of understanding about that would not sit well with me. Just my two cents. 1
jphcbpa Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Yellow flags certainly - the drinking thing mainly. ! You could set a boundary around this?? ie: That her getting drunk and passing out is not acceptable behavior.
Author germain Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 I suppose stalking may be a bit dramatic. But the idea that she had someone who wouldn’t leave her alone, and she risked setting that off again doesn’t seem worth it for a $10 shirt that I think has some fraternity’s name on it. They didn’t end up meeting, because he was a bit weird about it, wanting to meet late at night or something - go figure? She said that her drinking is only in excess when she’s with close friends and told me that she has never considered herself to have been in any sort of compromising situation where she could have been taken advantage of before, which I think she may be a bit naive about (drinking so much you forget everything?). I’ll likely end up asking her about the specific situations she’s mentioned, so I can gain more perspective. What really confuses me is why would you mention things like this to someone you’re really interested in? Sleeping in some random persons bed when drunk, forgetting where you are/can’t walk, some casual hookup thing you had (have?) with a certain group of friends, your intentionally trying to meet exes that you aren't friends with for trivial reasons… The last thing I’d want to do is risk scaring off a potential mate who you don't know how they will respond. While I can appreciate her being really open, some of these things have just given me a weird feeling about it all. I reassured her that I do like her and want to be with her, but that we'll have to take it slow and get to know each other ourselves through time spent together, like some of you guys have said.
Mrin Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 What really confuses me is why would you mention things like this to someone you’re really interested in? Sleeping in some random persons bed when drunk, forgetting where you are/can’t walk, some casual hookup thing you had (have?) with a certain group of friends, your intentionally trying to meet exes that you aren't friends with for trivial reasons… Meh... chalk it up to over share. Some people are just like that and to be frank, she might not see it as scary of a proposition as you do. She's also more likely the more adventuresome/free spirit in this equation. Something you might want to consider in your reaction or how you talk to her about it. An inquiry or line of questions might seem entirely appropriate to you but to her it might be overbearing and judgmental. So just keep that in mind and try to avoid seeming like you are pronouncing judgment on her actions. Nothing turns a free spirit off more than being judged or constrained. Anyhow, food for thought. Good luck to you guys! Mrin 2
Keenly Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Red flags because she lacks basic self control. If she gets blackout drunk and ends up cheating on you, its certainly going to be a " I was drunk so it didn't mean anything " thing. If some one can't be responsible with their own body/consciousness, they won't be responsible with your heart. 3
d0nnivain Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 She mentions these things because she is young & naive. She thinks these adventures make her sound worldly & attractive. 1
jbelle6 Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Since it's early in the relationship I'd pass on this one just for the drinking. I'm not judging her because she's probably young, but people that drunk are annoying and everyone around them ends up with a ruined night having to take care of them because they can't control themselves. It just turns me off personally.
Keenly Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Since it's early in the relationship I'd pass on this one just for the drinking. I'm not judging her because she's probably young, but people that drunk are annoying and everyone around them ends up with a ruined night having to take care of them because they can't control themselves. It just turns me off personally. This. Maybe I'm just biased because I had to babysit my own fall down drunk girlfriend on MY 21st birthday celebration. 1
Author germain Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 (edited) Since it's early in the relationship I'd pass on this one just for the drinking. I'm not judging her because she's probably young, but people that drunk are annoying and everyone around them ends up with a ruined night having to take care of them because they can't control themselves. It just turns me off personally. I've certainly been there, but I don't think it's consistently that bad! She's not drinking every weekend, at least not when we're together. From what I gathered it's just been a few sketchy situations she's been in. Not every time she drinks. But all it really takes to damage trust and hurt someone is one time. This. Maybe I'm just biased because I had to babysit my own fall down drunk girlfriend on MY 21st birthday celebration. Can I ask if you guys ever communicated about her drinking responsibly and how certain things either made you uncomfortable or made things less enjoyable? How did that go if so? Edited May 29, 2014 by germain
bubbaganoosh Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 You know what? Maybe you should take a step back and get a better picture of this girl. You can start by looking at her from the neck up and listen to what she's saying rather than looking from the neck down and seeing what she's got. She's giving you all you need to know. She's way too immature for you and has a lot of growing up to do. Your looking for something more serious and she's still in the free wheeling phase in her life. Her ways of doing things are only going to frazzle your mind and cause fights because you want her to grow up and she still lives in Never Never Land. Your style and her's go together like water and oil and IMO, only trouble, so do yourself a favor and take a good hard look and see if this is what you really want. 7
jbelle6 Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Yes, I have asked/discussed with friends about their drinking but then they'd just go out and drink faster/more than me again and so the cycle goes. I'm not just going to leave. This is a common thing with girls so I'm not judging her, it's just if I had a choice I would not do it. I don't know how often it occurs but I just know it's annoying to me.
MrBossMan Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Yes, I have asked/discussed with friends about their drinking but then they'd just go out and drink faster/more than me again and so the cycle goes. I'm not just going to leave. This is a common thing with girls so I'm not judging her, it's just if I had a choice I would not do it. I don't know how often it occurs but I just know it's annoying to me. Orange flag. Express your concerns in the most tactful way that you can and see how she reacts. Also, if she keeps doing it while seeing you, then I'd cut her loose. 2
Author germain Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 Thanks so far guys! So many different opinions. I definitely agree she seems a bit immature. She hasn't done any of this since we've been dating - except for the thing with her ex. She agreed that most of this would be inappropriate behavior if exclusive. I really won't know what will happen in a relationship unless we go for it. Taking it slow for now. She seemed to be okay with that. 1
jbelle6 Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Thanks so far guys! So many different opinions. I definitely agree she seems a bit immature. She hasn't done any of this since we've been dating - except for the thing with her ex. She agreed that most of this would be inappropriate behavior if exclusive. I really won't know what will happen in a relationship unless we go for it. Taking it slow for now. She seemed to be okay with that. That's fair enough, if she is willing to not do that while with you then that's great. Especially if you like other things about her.
Recommended Posts