Broke NC 100 times where do I restart [updates]

[Zahara]

I'm just ranting about stuff like "if u say u love me why are we breaking up, surly if u loved me u would want to work at it?" Stuff like that then I feel fine and just apologies for bugging her at wrk etc

 

Them think I've blew all my chances of getting back together when in reality we won't anyway.....

 

I'm genuinely fine at nights it's just mornings and mid afternoon I start getting the urge to message her

 

I know you're struggling to let go, and you just don't want to accept it. The only thing you are doing is pushing her even further away. Honestly, it is over. Saying that she loves you is her way of being gentle on you because she knows that if she says she doesn't love you, at least in the way you want her to, it would hurt you even more.

 

Accept that it is over and start NC. The worst thing you can ever do is force someone to love you. If you have to do that, then you know the answer.

 

Try to set a goal for yourself. One week NC and no matter how much it hurts you will not break it. Come here to vent, talk to your friends, call your mom, do something to break the urge. Go from there. It will help you regain some mental clarity and let your emotions settle some. No reacting to how you feel, but process what you're feeling on your own without reaching out to her to salve and soothe. She is your pain, you cannot seek comfort in what pains you.

 

Set an NC goal, Jupiter. If not one week -- one day. Then two days. Then three. Go from there.

[amf1991]

Please don't contact her. I know its hard, trust me I know. But after a while it just becomes easier not to talk to the person. I know there is some sense of comfort talking to the person but most of the time the responses we get from them are unsavory. I don't know about you but I rather have that person come to me than me going and risk looking desperate. If she still has any feelings for you, she will come back

[Haydn]

Lots of good advice here. I made all these mistakes. You will stop. Takes time and patience with yourself.

[Jupiter1111]

Thanks guys really appreciate it...... NC starts now!!!

[Greeneyegemini]

Whenever I feel weak like I'm going to break down and messsage my ex I come on here and read posts, it helps me feel better that I'm not alone in this pain. Everyone here feels it, or has at some point. Just realize that each day you do NC is one day closer to being OK.

[Jupiter1111]

Is it normal to want to message or even be with your ex......

 

It's over I'm 90% sure of that but keep hoping she will walk in to my work like last time and everything will be ok! I keep my phone on silent cos if it's on normal I'm listening out for it hoping she wil txt. So now I check my phone almost every 10 mins........

 

I'm so erratic in my actions 1 minute I'm ok the next I'm a mess

 

I've came on here right now because I'm at the stage of my day when I want to talk to her

[David87]

Change your ring tone. There's nothing to talk with your ex. She wants nothing to do with you.

[Greeneyegemini]

It's completely normal Jupiter. The main way I contacted my ex during the day/night was on Yahoo messenger. I remember the first few days I still had it signed in and I'd wake up in the middle of the night and check to see if I had a message from him. I'd get depressed because there was NEVER a message from him. So I signed out, and now I don't focus on him sending me messages. The only way for you to do that would be to block her number on your phone. You SHOULD get rid of every form of contact, so you're not always checking. I know that's a lot easier said than done. Like you said, she knows where you live/work. So IF she wanted you back...she'd be able to find you.

 

I'm now in week #2. Last week was denial, and hope that he'd come back. But I accept it now. I fully believe you need to accept that she's gone and most likely not coming back in order for your heart to start healing.

[Jupiter1111]

I'm gona be brutally honest.....

 

I'm hoping that by intiating NC. That she will come running but am I kidding myself???

 

I know I should be doing this for myself and myself alone but I would love for her to panic and come to me? But if she does how long would that last or would it be valid....... Again this all speculation she might not even bother or perhaps she doesn't all ready???

 

This is the time if day when I feel like I should message her or look for contact and some sort of connection!!!

[Ordinaryday]

I'm gona be brutally honest.....

 

I'm hoping that by intiating NC. That she will come running but am I kidding myself???

 

I know I should be doing this for myself and myself alone but I would love for her to panic and come to me? But if she does how long would that last or would it be valid....... Again this all speculation she might not even bother or perhaps she doesn't all ready???

 

This is the time if day when I feel like I should message her or look for contact and some sort of connection!!!

 

pretty much, yeah. but I will say some things:

 

if you want her to miss you then ALLOW HER TO MISS YOU (by removing yourself from her life). if you keep texting her and begging for another chance she is not going to 'miss' you, she will just grow to be really tired of you.

 

the dumpers that DO come back seem to have this weird psychic ability of picking the worst possible time - pretty much EVERY STORY I HAVE HEARD from a dumpee talking about their dumper coming back all said the same sort of thing:

 

"if she had done this six months ago I would have met her with open arms, but now I realise what a destructive relationship we had and I dont want to be with her anymore... she picked the worst possible time to come back to me, because it was right when I was over her".

 

so dont sit around waiting for her to come back.

[KS11]

Hi mate,

 

Really can relate to what you're going through. As someone who's been in and out of relationship for 4 years, having had many periods of NC let me say this.

 

Of course there will be part of you that thinks it might work to get her back, to make her realise she misses you etc. I think thats a natural reaction so soon in to a break up. I'd go as far as to say I think most, if not all, think that it might work that way.

 

Speaking from experience though..what i've found when we've gone NC, whether it be initiated by me or her, is that yeh she came back, on several occasions and that was after me staying strong and not reaching out. However, has it worked? No. The same issues come up time and time again.

 

Our weakness is that neither of us seem to be able to walk away. Which too, is no good thing. As it stands right now she wants space...again. And I'm a mess...again.

 

The best thing you can do at this point is take it one day at a time. I know how much it hurts, how hard it is. But its your only move. It sounds cliche but theres such a great quote from the movie Swingers:

 

Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?

Rob: You don't call.

Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.

Rob: Right.

Mike: So I don't call either way?

Rob: Right.

Mike: So what's the difference?

Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.

Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?

Rob: Right.

Mike: Well that sucks.

Rob: Yeah, it sucks.

Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?

Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.

Mike: What do you mean?

Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.

Mike: Well what if she comes back first?

Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

Mike: There's the rub.

Rob: There's the rub.

 

Take from it what you will. But its scary accurate!

[martaldn]

Hi mate,

 

Really can relate to what you're going through. As someone who's been in and out of relationship for 4 years, having had many periods of NC let me say this.

 

Of course there will be part of you that thinks it might work to get her back, to make her realise she misses you etc. I think thats a natural reaction so soon in to a break up. I'd go as far as to say I think most, if not all, think that it might work that way.

 

Speaking from experience though..what i've found when we've gone NC, whether it be initiated by me or her, is that yeh she came back, on several occasions and that was after me staying strong and not reaching out. However, has it worked? No. The same issues come up time and time again.

 

Our weakness is that neither of us seem to be able to walk away. Which too, is no good thing. As it stands right now she wants space...again. And I'm a mess...again.

 

The best thing you can do at this point is take it one day at a time. I know how much it hurts, how hard it is. But its your only move. It sounds cliche but theres such a great quote from the movie Swingers:

 

Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?

Rob: You don't call.

Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.

Rob: Right.

Mike: So I don't call either way?

Rob: Right.

Mike: So what's the difference?

Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.

Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?

Rob: Right.

Mike: Well that sucks.

Rob: Yeah, it sucks.

Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?

Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.

Mike: What do you mean?

Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.

Mike: Well what if she comes back first?

Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

Mike: There's the rub.

Rob: There's the rub.

 

Take from it what you will. But its scary accurate!

 

very true.

everything you will do now ( like contacting her messaging her ) just will push her away.

you dont want to make things worse right? then you have to be strong and stop contact her.

it sucks and it is hard nobody is denying that or saying is gonna be like a walk in the park but at moment you dont have any other choice.

[d0nnivain]

NC has nothing to do with forcing a reconcilliation (or making them coming running back as you put it) She's not going to panic.

 

It has everything to do with giving you the time & space to heal from a break up.

[Jupiter1111]

She messaged me today saying "hope your ok today xx"

 

Should I reply or just ignore it?

[Jupiter1111]

So I told my ex that we shouldn't talk anymore I wanted NC but l broke it yesterday so upset with myself I apologised last night for a brief emotional meltdown.

 

So today I reset and restated now she messaged me saying "hope your ok today xx"

 

Do I just ignore it and carry on or should I reply after all I would like her back but don't want to fall in a false sense of hope and if she did "hope I was ok" she would have stayed together or is her trying to make herself feel better????

 

Thoughts

[d0nnivain]

Why did you break up & who initiated it?

 

Her message is more one of concern & support. Even though you are broken up she's not a horrible person & she doesn't want to see you hurting. Compassion doesn't mean she wants to get back together.

[Sunbathe]

Do NOT reply. "Hope you're okay" is just a breadcrumb as a means for alleviating her own guilt. The only kind of message you should even consider responding to is one such as "I made a huge mistake and will do anything to be with you", depending on whether or not you want to work things out.

[jphcbpa]

She messaged me today saying "hope your ok today xx"

 

Should I reply or just ignore it?

 

what do you think?

[d0nnivain]

She messaged me today saying "hope your ok today xx"

 

Should I reply or just ignore it?

 

Ignore. It's a bread crumb. At best it means she's not an awful mean person. It does not mean she wants to get back together.

[martaldn]

She messaged me today saying "hope your ok today xx"

 

Should I reply or just ignore it?

 

Ignore her

 

if you text back you are back to square one again.

[Chi townD]

Ignore it. She knows you're hurt and she knows she's the cause of it. It was a breadcrumb to ease her guilt. Easy one to ignore if you really think about the meaning behind it.

[jphcbpa]

I would recommend NOT to this breadcrumb.

 

Now... If she continues to reach out in the coming weeks months after you made it clear you wanted NC is to say something such as, "I am respecting your decision to end the relationship. Please respect my request of no contact so I can heal and move on."

[Jupiter1111]

NC means NC I suppose unless she txt saying she made a huge error and wants to see me then I'm on my own, thanks

[Jupiter1111]

I'm not replying unless she wants to get back this just to stop her feeling guilty

[hoping2heal]

I think the fooling onself applies to most, though not all cases.

 

Generally though, dumping is hard to do. It's one of those uncomfortable, guilt ridden things or at least is the case for empathetic human beings who aren't entirely self-absorbed.

 

Point is, I think that most dumpers have not just made a split second decision about what they're doing (I'm sure there's some, but I think that's more the minority). Although it may seem sudden or out of the blue; chances are a dumper was thinking about the break long before it reached that point. That could really mean anything from waiting to set up with their next partner (ladder jumping), to mulling over whether or not they want to date.

 

I'm sure there are dumpers who do miss their partners and the security and familiarity they represented, but that's not the same thing as wanting a relationship with them.

 

There is a reason the dumper decides to end the RS, and more often than not those reasons don't go away just because they miss you. I've seen reconciling go awry within my social circle for this very reason; Dumper panics and wants dumpee back. RS ensues, and a month later all the former issues rear their ugly head and suddenly Dumper decides a mistake was made and regrets the reconcile, and the dumpee feels even more hurt and resents the dumper for pulling them back in.

 

There is a biased perspective at work with this philosophy of using NC to make your ex want you back. The flaw is that the dumpee is looking at this through their own eyes. They have so many feelings of attachment toward the dumper that they assume the feeling is mutual. They project their own feelings onto the dumper and quite frankly, if the dumper felt the same way then 9 times out of 10 you wouldn't be getting dumped, y'know?