Author mangetout Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 But on a nicer note.. many people have met online and gotten married. Maybe I just attract the wrong kind. I need to reflect
MissBee Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) Which I would understand if he didn't find me as attractive as he thought he would. But ALL night he was constantly complimenting me about gorgeous I am. He even text me while getting more drinks to tell me that I am lovely?! And he wouldn't let go of my hands. He wanted to hold them all night. His knees were constantly touching mine. It was almost too much for me but I felt flattered. And it wasn't just my looks he went on about, he constantly complimented me on my personality, that he admires me and we have so much in common blah blah blah. This false admiration went on for six hours! That may also be a clue that something is off...if a man is doing TOO MUCH! Like this dude. You admit to feeling like it was almost too much for you but you felt flattered. One thing important you need to learn in dating is: compliments vs. flattery. In his case he may have been flattering you more than genuinely complimenting you. Flattery itself means excessive compliments and often has ulterior motives and is often insincere, example: pick up lines are a form of flattery. I was talking to my friends once and explaining that a man who over does the compliments, like a guy who told me I was pretty about 6 times in an hour on a date...it NEVER works out as they ALWAYS end up being a little crazy or disingenuous. My bf tells me I'm beautiful, pretty, amazing etc EVERYDAY and multiple times a day...however on our first date he didn't do that. He did compliment me saying he liked my hair, my smile, my eyes, he thought I was pretty and smart but it wasn't excessive. He mentioned these things in passing some of them or directly told me and didn't go on and on for the whole date about it. Now when he tells me, I know it's genuine as we have a relationship, but had he gone on and on our first date about how pretty I was or amazing I would have felt it too much and either felt he had ulterior motives and was flattering me OR he was some kind of guy who was a little desperate. So that's the other thing. You seemed to be sold hook, line and sinker and reeled in by his 6 hours of excessive admiration and used that to determine that he was genuinely interested in you, even though part of you kind of felt it was too much....clearly the part of you slightly uncomfortable with his compliments (in this case flattery) was on to something. That's something to also look out for in dating: compliments which are genuine and within the realm of normal vs. flattery which usually has ulterior motives, comes from a place of desperation and is obvious by its absolute excessive nature. Edited May 28, 2014 by MissBee 2
jbelle6 Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Don't do it. It's hard bloody work! I so hear this all the time. All my friends have stories just like yours with people just flaking. It's so easy to just hop on there and get dates it seems that they probably don't choose anyone and just keep at it. I admit I don't have the thick skin for it. 1
jbelle6 Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 That may also be a clue that something is off...if a man is doing TOO MUCH! Like this dude. You admit to feeling like it was almost too much for you but you felt flattered. One thing important you need to learn in dating is: compliments vs. flattery. In his case he may have been flattering you more than genuinely complimenting you. Flattery itself means excessive compliments and often has ulterior motives and is often insincere, example: pick up lines are a form of flattery. I was talking to my friends once and explaining that a man who over does the compliments, like a guy who told me I was pretty about 6 times in an hour on a date...it NEVER works out as they ALWAYS end up being a little crazy or disingenuous. My bf tells me I'm beautiful, pretty, amazing etc EVERYDAY and multiple times a day...however on our first date he didn't do that. He did compliment me saying he liked my hair, my smile, my eyes, he thought I was pretty and smart but it wasn't excessive. He mentioned these things in passing some of them or directly told me and didn't go on and on for the whole date about it. Now when he tells me, I know it's genuine as we have a relationship, but had he gone on and on our first date about how pretty I was or amazing I would have felt it too much and either felt he had ulterior motives and was flattering me OR he was some kind of guy who was a little desperate. So that's the other thing. You seemed to be sold hook, line and sinker and reeled in by his 6 hours of excessive admiration and used that to determine that he was genuinely interested in you, even though part of you kind of felt it was too much....clearly the part of you slightly uncomfortable with his compliments (in this case flattery) was on to something. That's something to also look out for in dating: compliments which are genuine and within the realm of normal vs. flattery which usually has ulterior motives, comes from a place of desperation and is obvious by its absolute excessive nature. Yes!!! You said this better than I did. I am always wary of those guys that lay it on this thick. Makes me not trust them because a guy like that burned me before.
HappyLove Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 As soon as I read your story I knew this was with someone you met online. All I can tell you is GET USED TO IT! Wait until you meet the ones who disappear after a few months of constant dating! This happens ALL THE TIME. You'll eventually see OLDing is a waste of time and is only successful for very few people. Good luck! Oh, and it doesn't matter that you have a kid or don't have a kid or live on the moon or not. There's just a bunch of liars online unfortunately. One thing it's good for is getting you a tough skin, trust me you're gonna need it! This was NOTHING! You're just getting your feet wet. 3
aussietigerwolf Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 OP he wasted three weeks of my time. We spoke numerous times about my life as a single mum and how limited my time is because of this situation. I also explained that I do not do one night stands or anything casual like that. I told him that I was purely online to look for a potential relationship. Nothing more. He empathized with me throughout all this. He said I need to be with a man who understands my situation and that I need to think of my son...and he cannot wait to meet me (and my son eventually if all goes well). This is the crap he fed me I've been fed that crap before too... Strangely though, just by ones that just wanted a notch on the post. I understand, he had 3 weeks to tell you that it was going to be a problem which is why I think he just wanted sex. His manner changed completely once he realized he wasn't getting sex.
jbelle6 Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 This. Whatever the reason, he is just not interested in moving forward. This doesn't make him, or all men bad, it just means he isn't interested. What I don't get are why so many people are hating on this guy just because he wasn't interested in the OP. Calling someone immature because they didn't call you is silly. Good, dont try OLD. Trust me, it ain't worth all the trouble. You seem like a cool woman, you don't need to use OLD. Thank you. I don't think I'd find the type of guy I want on there.
Author mangetout Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 This. Whatever the reason, he is just not interested in moving forward. This doesn't make him, or all men bad, it just means he isn't interested. What I don't get are why so many people are hating on this guy just because he wasn't interested in the OP. Calling someone immature because they didn't call you is silly. Good, dont try OLD. Trust me, it ain't worth all the trouble. You seem like a cool woman, you don't need to use OLD. OP you are don't understanding what I am trying to say here. I am not not upset that he wasn't interested in a second date. It was the way he dealt with the whole situation from start to finish. Like some stupid teenage boy instead of a mature man. He basically said all the right things to lure me into a date. Then got turned on by the fact that he was meeting some stranger online ..realised that I was real with a real child and wanted a real relationship. So he changed his mind the next day. Fine with me. It happens. But he could have at least said he wasn't interested and all the best. End of. It's just damn rude the way he totally ignored me. Flakey immature man with a game plan I have dated other men whom I have met online and they have been grounded and gracious throughout. Thank God.
jbelle6 Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 OP you are don't understanding what I am trying to say here. I am not not upset that he wasn't interested in a second date. It was the way he dealt with the whole situation from start to finish. Like some stupid teenage boy instead of a mature man. He basically said all the right things to lure me into a date. Then got turned on by the fact that he was meeting some stranger online ..realised that I was real with a real child and wanted a real relationship. So he changed his mind the next day. Fine with me. It happens. But he could have at least said he wasn't interested and all the best. End of. It's just damn rude the way he totally ignored me. Flakey immature man with a game plan I have dated other men whom I have met online and they have been grounded and gracious throughout. Thank God. What we are trying to tell you is that this is the norm. He's going to turn it all on during first date, don't you try to be your best first date? Your very best? He is too. But if he's not into it, he won't respond. This will be par for course with online dating. It will happen more often than not. 2
jbelle6 Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Really though, this was one date girl! Are you really this upset? What do you feel he owes you? 1
Author mangetout Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 Really though, this was one date girl! Are you really this upset? What do you feel he owes you?[/quote I was upset the day I made this thread but not anymore. I hardly know the guy and I don't have any strong feelings for him. I still think he is a douche tho. Its just my opinion but I don't hold much importance on it. I am just replying to people's posts so maybe it seems I am upset. But I am far from it. I am actually going on another date this Friday as we speak.
Author mangetout Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 What we are trying to tell you is that this is the norm. He's going to turn it all on during first date, don't you try to be your best first date? Your very best? He is too. But if he's not into it, he won't respond. This will be par for course with online dating. It will happen more often than not. jbelle I have used OLD for the past ten years and I have come across all sorts. I just forgot what its like as I have just come out of a two year relationship. And sorry if I think manners should be consistent. If he is not interested then say so. It doesn't hurt to write a text rather than being a coward and ignoring me. I treat people the way I like to be treated. Infact when I have dated men in the past and I havnt felt a spark, I would ALWAYS text them the next day to say thank you for a lovely date and explain that I didn't feel a spark. I also add that its nothing personal and I wish them all the best. These men thank me for getting in touch because they say that most women don't even bother! Incidently I met my ex through a dating site so its does work. Not all people on there are like my last date. 1
Succession Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 And sorry if I think manners should be consistent. If he is not interested then say so. It doesn't hurt to write a text rather than being a coward and ignoring me. I treat people the way I like to be treated. Infact when I have dated men in the past and I havnt felt a spark, I would ALWAYS text them the next day to say thank you for a lovely date and explain that I didn't feel a spark. I also add that its nothing personal and I wish them all the best. These men thank me for getting in touch because they say that most women don't even bother! I'm going to try this once more. What you do - telling people you don't feel a spark - is admirable. What this guy did - telling you he wasn't comfortable with your weekends-only situation - is just as good. Ignoring you when you tried to debate his reasoning is decidedly not the same as ignoring your attempt to contact him. You mentioned that most men thank you for getting in touch. Have you had anyone that pressed you with additional questions about why you didn't feel a spark? Did you indulge them? If you didn't let them drag you into a debate, did you feel like an immature coward? 2
Author mangetout Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 You mentioned that most men thank you for getting in touch. Have you had anyone that pressed you with additional questions about why you didn't feel a spark? Did you indulge them? Absolutely! Why wouldn't I? If we don't match personality wise then I say so. If I don't feel this spark I also tell them. Whatever questions they ask, I will answer.
Author mangetout Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 What this guy did - telling you he wasn't comfortable with your weekends-only situation - is just as good. Ignoring you when you tried to debate his reasoning is decidedly not the same as ignoring your attempt to contact him. I didn't even try to debate his reasoning. This is how it went Me. Hi...How are you? idiot: Hey...just back from work. I am good ta. Hows your day? Me: It was a busy one but glad to be chilled at home now. So did you really enjoy our date? idiot: I thought we had an amazing date!You are lovely...blah blah... I think you're fantastic, very attractive, sweet and incredibly sensual. Did you enjoy the way we were? Me: Yes the feeling is mutual. ( a few more texts about work etc ) Me: So would you like to meet up again some time? idiot: To be honest I have an issue of seeing you on the weekends only Me: Well I did explain that its the only time I can get a trusted babysitter but that's not set in stone. If we get to the point of feeling more comfortable with each other then we can arrange to meet up during the week too. What do you think? ( idiot's cue to leave me hanging) Who knows. Maybe he fell down the toilet bowl in the middle of texting me hence why he couldn't finish our conversation. Good luck to him
Author mangetout Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 Anyway I am moving on from this. Onto better things 2
soccerrprp Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I'm guessing that you being a single-mother was too much for him to overcome.
hasaquestion Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 What we are trying to tell you is that this is the norm. He's going to turn it all on during first date, don't you try to be your best first date? Your very best? He is too. But if he's not into it, he won't respond. This will be par for course with online dating. It will happen more often than not. My thoughts exactly. If anything, you should be thankful he bailed immediately, instead of hanging around being indecisive (like many people do). 1
Keenly Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Your extremely emotional reaction to some one who laid put for you that he was looking for some.one that could spend more time with him is unhealthy. It was one date.... seriously. . If you bare going to get this mad at something so minor and insignificant in the grand scale of the dating game, you are REALLY going to rage when you keep moving forward with other guys. 2
Mrin Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Anyway I am moving on from this. Onto better things Good on ya then! Just wanted to let you know that I agree with your point and despite what some in this thread have said, don't think you were off base in your reaction. Hope the next fella that catches your fancy is mature. Also suggest that you date fathers and stay away from the single no kids crowd. 1
jbelle6 Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 You think a 5 page thread over one date is reasonable. I don't think a formal break up is required after one date, if he doesn't text me and ask me out again then I'd know enough. Especially with nothing sexual involved.
Author mangetout Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 You think a 5 page thread over one date is reasonable. I don't think a formal break up is required after one date, if he doesn't text me and ask me out again then I'd know enough. Especially with nothing sexual involved. Joelle lets just agree to disagree ok? Otherwise this thread will turn into ten pages lol. Like I said. I don't care about this guy. I am on a date with another man tomorrow
Author mangetout Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 Your extremely emotional reaction to some one who laid put for you that he was looking for some.one that could spend more time with him is unhealthy. It was one date.... seriously. . If you bare going to get this mad at something so minor and insignificant in the grand scale of the dating game, you are REALLY going to rage when you keep moving forward with other guys. Same to you keenly. Let's agree to disagree . The man is a twat. That's my opinion and that's how it will stay
Keenly Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Same to you keenly. Let's agree to disagree . The man is a twat. That's my opinion and that's how it will stay You agree to disagree and then get the last word in ? Alright then. Good luck to you. My parting advice would be to ease up a little, as you'll never find absolute perfection in another human being. 1
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