Gaeta Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Anyway I have just sent him a final message online saying that he is a coward for not even having the balls to reply to my last message. I wont contact him after that now You should not get THIS upset over a man you met once, and no, the 3 weeks you chatted does not count as time invested in him. If you want to give a try to online dating you've got to toughen up a bit. A guy does not call back? No big deal there are 10 others that will be happy to call you back. You cannot take this too seriously. I have enjoyed my 2 years online dating because I viewed it as an adventure. I went sometimes on 2-3 different coffee dates a week. Whether it turned good or bad it was just another story to tell my friends and colleagues. I got enough stories to write an entire book.
TheBladeRunner Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) Given more information (!), I'm leaning more towards path of least resistance/reality check and the 'issue with seeing me at the weekends' was his way of communicating that to you. Ambiguous, perhaps, but it clearly was a point of resistance, versus other, less resistive paths. Some men aren't cut out to date single mothers; others are. I haven't read yet that he's a single father....is that coming? If he's not, and at his age, the path of least resistance will usually be with women whose children are grown or are childless. All of this is of course presuming he's really single. I've 'gotten to know' enough married women to know that 'single' is just a word for some people. Some woman are not cut out for it either. I find many woman say they are OK with my younger daughter, but in the end I don't have the freedom other guys in my age bracket (47) do where the kids are older or even gone. I know guys that do this to woman as well. At first they are OK with the whole single mom thing, but in the end, they just don't want to deal with all the stuff that can go with dating a single parent. Sorry OP, he may have had good intentions, but after they think about it sometimes they will back off like that. Don't sweat it, the right one that will understand is out there for you, just be patient and don't let this one wreck your attitude. Dating a single parent can be difficult depending on the custody arrangement, some people are not equipped to deal with the fact you have limited availability. I find they say that they are OK with it, but in the end I hear things like "I've already raised my kids and I don't want to raise another". The scary part is my XW and I are 50/50, my daughter has a mother and she doesn't need another one, yet they still insist that is what I am looking for. Oh well, the right one will come along eventually . Edited May 28, 2014 by TheBladeRunner fixing something
Mrin Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 While in don't agree with the OP's final text, I do agree with her resentment. I'm sorry but you just don't screw with a full time single parent. I'm not a full time single parent but I ardently feel that you have to be very mindful of your actions. Anyhow, good riddance and move on. This is also why I prefer to date parents rather than single no kids never marrieds. 1
Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I had that happen to me twice last year.. I've learnt not to trust a guy is genuine until his actions show it loud and clear. ...For months. One guy acted like he was head over heels. Texted me all day. Told me he'd never felt this attracted to anyone else. Said he'd never felt this way about a woman so early on. He dissapeared a month later. Another guy dissapeared after a week of telling me how "amazing" he thought I was. Honestly, I believe both guys were attracted to me. Sometimes I think guys are into us initially, only to change their minds. Other times, guys are so callous that they will outright lie.... they will pretend they are into you just to get sex. OTHER times. .. the girl will project her feelings onto a guy and think the guy is interested when really, he has given no signs that he is that into her..... 4
Author mangetout Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 You went on one date. He didn't respond to one one text message. You made a threats non the internet to bash him, and you sent him a message insulting him. Maybe I should make a thread about how I don't get women. It's damn rude to not respond to a text message just because he has decided that he doesn't want to date me again. He could have simply answered my text message and let me know where I stood. But instead he would rather ignore it. Total coward. And I don't think calling him a coward or a hypocrite is threats. It's my opinion of him and he deserves it. He knew I had a child. He knew I couldn't get out much. I told him all of my issues of being a single parent. So why waste my friggin time. I bet he he was trying to butter me up that night hoping that I would fall for his charm and have sex with him. It didn't happen so he clearly lost interest 1
Author mangetout Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 A lot of men will do and say anything to get a leg over :-/
hoping2heal Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 The guy was clearly very attracted to you. But, sounds like he has decided that he doesn't want to deal with a single mother. 1
TheBladeRunner Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) It's damn rude to not respond to a text message just because he has decided that he doesn't want to date me again. He could have simply answered my text message and let me know where I stood. But instead he would rather ignore it. Total coward. And I don't think calling him a coward or a hypocrite is threats. It's my opinion of him and he deserves it. He knew I had a child. He knew I couldn't get out much. I told him all of my issues of being a single parent. So why waste my friggin time. I bet he he was trying to butter me up that night hoping that I would fall for his charm and have sex with him. It didn't happen so he clearly lost interest Sad to say you may experience a lot of this dating. I seriously thought it would not happen in my age bracket, but it does. You have a right to be frustrated OP. I think because Keenly has been around the dating block so to speak is why he may have posted the comment, he's probably dealt with this so much he's used to it like me. I despise rudeness as well but I have to face the facts that some people are just that way. Last Thursday I had a date with a woman that seemed so into me on the first date the Friday prior. I opted to ask her out again and she said yes. We did a happy hour and had some appetizers, the bill came, I paid (which I have no problem with). I texted her the next day thanking her for a nice evening and I didn't here back until 5 days later. Look, I don't want my shoes shined or my laundry done, but a simple "thanks for food and drinks" would have been nice. I am not sure what your availability is/custody arrangement for your child, but this will challenge many people. They may say they are understanding, but beware: Make them prove it. I have 50/50 custody of my daughter and even that has presented problems to some that want me to be able to run out at the drop of a hat. I dated a woman just over a year ago and she threw a fit that I could not go to some office function with her because I had my daughter. The way I see it is I am available every other weekend and every Wednesday and Thursday to date; I will not get a sitter. Needless to say I ended it with her shortly thereafter. You'll find a guy that "gets" where you are at, those guys are out there. Ya' gotta' break a lot of eggs these days to make the omelette Edited May 28, 2014 by TheBladeRunner adding
MissBee Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) Don't worry about him. He may have genuinely liked you but he obviously expressed dissatisfaction with your availability and instead of compromising or being upfront that he didn't think it would work, he's decided to have it fizzle out. He clearly has a problem with your availability, which isn't negotiable, and it's his right to feel that way but if he were more interested or more of a gentleman he'd have compromised on it or he would have told you the truth. In dating, one thing you need to understand, which will help you out, is that A LOT of people will be flaky and if you've only invested one date and some phone calls for less than a month, let it go without taking it personally or getting hung up. If you take it too personally and expect too much you will be very disillusioned. I do get your confusion and how you felt let down and disappointed by him seeming very interested then ignoring you, and yes, he could have responded differently, but you cannot control other people, only yourself, so for me I take dating very casually, no matter how nice of a time we had and realize a man could just flake...so I don't put much stock into things until he's shown himself consistent over multiple dates...then I feel like he owes me a lot more. Also...it isn't helpful to make this a "you men" issue. It's not men in general who behave this way. That was THIS particular guy and I'm sure some women do it too. If you start lumping men into one category and acting like every guy is this way or will do this to you, you will find dating a lot harder as you'll project that negative attitude on to some men who don't deserve it and may miss the opportunity to connect with someone genuine because you're judging them based on someone else's actions. Realize that was HIM and realize that yes SOME men will flake or be confusing, but the point of dating is to eventually meet a man with whom you're on the same page. Edited May 28, 2014 by MissBee 5
Succession Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 It's damn rude to not respond to a text message just because he has decided that he doesn't want to date me again. He could have simply answered my text message and let me know where I stood. But instead he would rather ignore it. Total coward I share your hatred for people who ignore texts. In fact, I will sometimes write a text that says "I noticed you didn't respond. Can you just confirm that you didn't feel we were a match?" But in this case, he did answer your text and let you know where you stood. He clearly communicated to you that "he has an issue of just seeing me at the weekend." That was your answer. That was him telling you he didn't want to go out anymore. He ignored you when you tried to argue with him about his decision. There are threads here all the time here about debating telling someone you're not interested vs. just ignoring so they don't drag out the discussion.And I don't think calling him a coward or a hypocrite is threats. It's my opinion of him and he deserves it. He knew I had a child. He knew I couldn't get out much. I told him all of my issues of being a single parent. So why waste my friggin time. I bet he he was trying to butter me up that night hoping that I would fall for his charm and have sex with him. It didn't happen so he clearly lost interest.How much of your time did he waste? Seems like he did the best he could to spare your feelings. Based on the facts you present, and your own intuition, the truth would have sounded like this: "Hi, had fun the other night. Once I met you in person I decided you might be an easy one-nighter but not attractive enough to put in additional time." People always do what you're doing here. When we're unhappy that we were rejected, we try to paint the dumper as a villain and assign them motives other than lack of interest due to our own shortcomings. We all need to be more self aware and realistic instead of holding on to bitterness and blame. 2
Author mangetout Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 Sad to say you may experience a lot of this dating. I seriously thought it would not happen in my age bracket, but it does. You have a right to be frustrated OP. I think because Keenly has been around the dating block so to speak is why he may have posted the comment, he's probably dealt with this so much he's used to it like me. I despise rudeness as well but I have to face the facts that some people are just that way. Last Thursday I had a date with a woman that seemed so into me on the first date the Friday prior. I opted to ask her out again and she said yes. We did a happy hour and had some appetizers, the bill came, I paid (which I have no problem with). I texted her the next day thanking her for a nice evening and I didn't here back until 5 days later. Look, I don't want my shoes shined or my laundry done, but a simple "thanks for food and drinks" would have been nice. I am not sure what your availability is/custody arrangement for your child, but this will challenge many people. They may say they are understanding, but beware: Make them prove it. I have 50/50 custody of my daughter and even that has presented problems to some that want me to be able to run out at the drop of a hat. I dated a woman just over a year ago and she threw a fit that I could not go to some office function with her because I had my daughter. The way I see it is I am available every other weekend and every Wednesday and Thursday to date; I will not get a sitter. Needless to say I ended it with her shortly thereafter. You'll find a guy that "gets" where you are at, those guys are out there. Ya' gotta' break a lot of eggs these days to make the omelette Very true and this certainly was a wake up call for me. I guess I am still somewhat naive when it comes to people's honesty. That's one problem about OLD. It's like shopping. I am sure he would have treated me with more respect had he met me in the real world. 1
Author mangetout Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 Don't worry about him. He may have genuinely liked you but he obviously expressed dissatisfaction with your availability and instead of compromising or being upfront that he didn't think it would work, he's decided to have it fizzle out. He clearly has a problem with your availability, which isn't negotiable, and it's his right to feel that way but if he were more interested or more of a gentleman he'd have compromised on it or he would have told you the truth. In dating, one thing you need to understand, which will help you out, is that A LOT of people will be flaky and if you've only invested one date and some phone calls for less than a month, let it go without taking it personally or getting hung up. If you take it too personally and expect too much you will be very disillusioned. I do get your confusion and how you felt let down and disappointed by him seeming very interested then ignoring you, and yes, he could have responded differently, but you cannot control other people, only yourself, so for me I take dating very casually, no matter how nice of a time we had and realize a man could just flake...so I don't put much stock into things until he's shown himself consistent over multiple dates...then I feel like he owes me a lot more. Also...it isn't helpful to make this a "you men" issue. It's not men in general who behave this way. That was THIS particular guy and I'm sure some women do it too. If you start lumping men into one category and acting like every guy is this way or will do this to you, you will find dating a lot harder as you'll project that negative attitude on to some men who don't deserve it and may miss the opportunity to connect with someone genuine because you're judging them based on someone else's actions. Realize that was HIM and realize that yes SOME men will flake or be confusing, but the point of dating is to eventually meet a man with whom you're on the same page. You are talking sense MissBee 1
Fondue Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Women do the exact same thing. Don't be angry at men for it. Wasn't an article just linked to a woman not replying to a man about a date they had and he wrote her an email that went overboard. It seems like you did that same thing. Ignoring happens on both sides. Stop making it a male/female issue. Ignoring the other person is the easy way out. I think women actually do this more than men do. It doesn't mean it is right, but it is what it is. While I understand you're upset, I'm unhappy to read that you're (and many others in this thread) making this into a gender issue.
pteromom Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Maybe he realized he wouldn't date you for whatever reason, but was still all over you in case you wanted to sleep with him on your date. Did he linger, ask to come in, or give any other hint that he wanted your passionate kiss to turn into more? 2
Author mangetout Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 How much of your time did he waste? Seems like he did the best he could to spare your feelings. Based on the facts you present, and your own intuition, the truth would have sounded like this: "Hi, had fun the other night. Once I met you in person I decided you might be an easy one-nighter but not attractive enough to put in additional time." People always do what you're doing here. When we're unhappy that we were rejected, we try to paint the dumper as a villain and assign them motives other than lack of interest due to our own shortcomings. We all need to be more self aware and realistic instead of holding on to bitterness and blame. OP he wasted three weeks of my time. We spoke numerous times about my life as a single mum and how limited my time is because of this situation. I also explained that I do not do one night stands or anything casual like that. I told him that I was purely online to look for a potential relationship. Nothing more. He empathized with me throughout all this. He said I need to be with a man who understands my situation and that I need to think of my son...and he cannot wait to meet me (and my son eventually if all goes well). This is the crap he fed me 1
Author mangetout Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 Women do the exact same thing. Don't be angry at men for it. Wasn't an article just linked to a woman not replying to a man about a date they had and he wrote her an email that went overboard. It seems like you did that same thing. Ignoring happens on both sides. Stop making it a male/female issue. Ignoring the other person is the easy way out. I think women actually do this more than men do. It doesn't mean it is right, but it is what it is. While I understand you're upset, I'm unhappy to read that you're (and many others in this thread) making this into a gender issue. Fondue I am not angry with all men. Just this one
Author mangetout Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 Maybe he realized he wouldn't date you for whatever reason, but was still all over you in case you wanted to sleep with him on your date. Did he linger, ask to come in, or give any other hint that he wanted your passionate kiss to turn into more? We kissed outside the bar as I was waiting for my taxi. Like I said it was a passionate kiss and I could tell he was "excited". But he kept his hands where they should have been and he whispered that he would like to see me again. So I said I would like to see him too and to text me when he got home. He said he would. I got into the taxi and that was that
Succession Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 OP he wasted three weeks of my time. We spoke numerous times about my life as a single mum and how limited my time is because of this situation. I also explained that I do not do one night stands or anything casual like that. I told him that I was purely online to look for a potential relationship. Nothing more. He empathized with me throughout all this. He said I need to be with a man who understands my situation and that I need to think of my son...and he cannot wait to meet me (and my son eventually if all goes well). This is the crap he fed me You keep stressing that he knew the situation about your son. I am not disputing that. But think about what that knowledge implies - the only thing he didn't know before the date, but did after the date, was how attractive you were in person. Can you see why it would have been more rude for him to tell the truth, and that he chose the best possible balance between telling you he wasn't interested in a second date without hurting your feelings? 1
Fondue Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 It is probably a good idea to meet online people in person as soon as possible. That way you don't develop anything at all. I think that was a big mistake. You spent 3 weeks talking to this guy, allowing him to kind of a bit inside of you without even meeting. You already liked this guy on an emotional level without any human interaction. Weed people out quickly by meeting ASAP. 1
TheBladeRunner Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) Very true and this certainly was a wake up call for me. I guess I am still somewhat naive when it comes to people's honesty. That's one problem about OLD. It's like shopping. I am sure he would have treated me with more respect had he met me in the real world. Although I have had a lot of luck getting dates via OLD, the quality of woman I meet there are sub-par at best (at least the ones that were into me). I have met some good woman, we just didn't "click" and that is OK (it happens). No need to have a bad date with the ones that didn't have a spark, so when we don't click I swap stories with who I am with. Woman complain of the same thing you are talking about. IRL dating is a little more arduous, but I think it is a better way to go.......I think . Like MissBee said: Don't lump us all into one pile, the good ones are out there. I actually just went back to dating after a 9 month break as I was starting to get jaded myself. The challenge I face is that there are not many woman in my age bracket (47) that want to be involved with a guy that has a five year old. So often their kids are older or already out of the house and they are looking to enjoy their new found independence which is totally understandable. Edited May 28, 2014 by TheBladeRunner Spelling
Author mangetout Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 You keep stressing that he knew the situation about your son. I am not disputing that. But think about what that knowledge implies - the only thing he didn't know before the date, but did after the date, was how attractive you were in person. Can you see why it would have been more rude for him to tell the truth, and that he chose the best possible balance between telling you he wasn't interested in a second date without hurting your feelings? Which I would understand if he didn't find me as attractive as he thought he would. But ALL night he was constantly complimenting me about gorgeous I am. He even text me while getting more drinks to tell me that I am lovely?! And he wouldn't let go of my hands. He wanted to hold them all night. His knees were constantly touching mine. It was almost too much for me but I felt flattered. And it wasn't just my looks he went on about, he constantly complimented me on my personality, that he admires me and we have so much in common blah blah blah. This false admiration went on for six hours! 1
jbelle6 Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Women do this too so no need for the man hate. But what did this guy do anyways? Are we required to formally break up with someone we've been out with once? Cause I have to admit, I don't. I don't think it's the child issue, people who online date usually date a few people at once so I imagine he met someone he likes. I have friends who online date and they had to get a thick skin. I don't think you should have written to him what you did for not responding to your text, even if he was an a$$ then why give him the satisfaction. About the flirty charming stuff he said, standard operating procedure he uses on all his dates I would image. Don't listen to their pretty words, go by their actions. I agree with the earlier poster that they will set up a second date on the first if they are REALLY interested. Good luck, I'm too scared to OLD lol! 2
Author mangetout Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 Women do this too so no need for the man hate. But what did this guy do anyways? Are we required to formally break up with someone we've been out with once? Cause I have to admit, I don't. I don't think it's the child issue, people who online date usually date a few people at once so I imagine he met someone he likes. I have friends who online date and they had to get a thick skin. I don't think you should have written to him what you did for not responding to your text, even if he was an a$$ then why give him the satisfaction. About the flirty charming stuff he said, standard operating procedure he uses on all his dates I would image. Don't listen to their pretty words, go by their actions. I agree with the earlier poster that they will set up a second date on the first if they are REALLY interested. Good luck, I'm too scared to OLD lol! Don't do it. It's hard bloody work!
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