Is this so bad?!

[KS11]

Uh i'm finding today really hard for some reason. I wish I could take a pill and forget all this..or go back to before I knew her and I never thought Id say that.

 

I had my first counselling session last night. I was a complete mess, broke down pretty much straight away. I just keep questioning how i've got to this point my life. I was sitting there and thinking, how have I let this happen? I don't know why, but it bothered me to think that I know for certain she isn't sitting having counselling right now, she's probably fine and actually relieved that i'm gone. I know my unhappiness isn't solely down to her and the other aspects of my life have played a huge part. I just feel like my life is falling apart around me and I can't figure out how to stop it.

 

I'm so frustrated that each time in the past we tried to move on, go nc and forget about it each other it was always instigated by her. But then also she was the one that came back to me saying she couldn't live without me. And yet, she's done it again. It feels like she has just used me for the past 4 years for emotional support and i've built her up to a point where now she's ready to move on. I'll never understand how or why she kept coming back in to my life if she still wasn't sure. Why would someone do that?! She knew how much I loved her, how much every time she walked away I was left devastated.

 

I just feel exhausted with having to find the strength to keep going, with having to try and move on again. Every morning I wake up and straight away my mind goes to her and for that split second I think she's still in my life and then it hits me, she's gone. Then there's the realisation that i'll spend the next 15 hours of the day trying to accept she'll never be in my life, i'll never get to kiss her, wake up next to her. And that pain will be there for so long, i know it will.

 

I know you can't make someone love you, i've said that to her many times and I understand that. But at the same time it just highlights to me that there must have been something wrong with me. We had this amazing connection when we were friends, like nothing i've ever experienced...spending hours a day talking etc. I just don't understand how she didn't feel more. I think the only thing it could be was she can't have found me physically attractive, the she thought I was ugly. I think the fact that she was always unsure just reinforces that. I think thats one of the things I'm finding so hard to accept. Even now, I don't really know what it was she felt for me. And I never will.

 

I'm just sick of this feeling in my stomach and the ache in my chest. It's constant. What's worse is I know I'm still not accepting its properly over and keep thinking its just another 'break' like in the past. I don't know how to accept it!

[KS11]

I really need someone to talk to..

 

Just someone tell there's a way to make it stop. Last night was another set back. My best friends and now my brother live in this part of city, where my ex recently moved to, and i've said how I really don't want to bump in to her. Then yesterday, I was helping my brother move out and walked to the underground station and as I look to my left this girl walks by behind me and I swear to god it was her. In fact I'm certain it was.

 

It hurts so much thinking about it. I bet she saw me and choose to just walk on. I just can't stand thats all I am to her now, a stranger, just someone from her past. I remember her talking about her past relationships with ex's and how now she doesn't speak, see or think much about them anymore...and now that's exactly what I am. Nothing. I always thought, from the stuff she said that i'd be different to that. That what we had would last.

 

I hate this constant ache. I hate that when I think of the future she's not in it. I hate thinking that even if by some miracle we were to speak again it would never be same now. There's no way it can recover. I just don't understand how people can walk away from something that (supposedly) mean't so much and not look back.

 

The last thing she said to me was 'I don't know what to say to you. It sucks, but what can we do?' I don't know what I feel I deserve, but that's not it.

 

I just want it to stop.

[Itspointless]

Break it off yourself!!!

I have other things in my life that have knocked my esteem to the ground and now i just don't really see the value in myself. I must hate myself so much to think i deserve to be treated this way and whats more, actively seek it out and let it happen.

Do what mtnbiker3000 wrote, it will hurt but at least you keep some dignity out of it. I once begged someone for a talk who wanted a break without any reason, so I thought. She agreed and broke off with me saying that she did not have a clue why she did it, but she did it. She was surprised when I just said OK, as she expected me to cry. I had not realized then how much it all was about her and her ego.

 

Somehow things in life always come at the same time or wake up old trauma. This will certainly hurt for a time, but break it off yourself, she already has checked out. Surprise her by doing it before she does.

 

Good luck my friend.

 

 

edit: I think I reacted on old messages here

Edited June 29, 2014 by Itspointless

[KS11]

Hi Itspointless,

 

She already broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. Maybe I should have beaten her to it, but I didn't and still don't want to lose her. I think it was always going to be her who had to end it.

 

I think just seeing her yesterday, even though theres a small chance it wasn't her, just brought the realisation that its actually over this time to life. I really want to ask her if she did just walk by, but whats the point right?

 

I just want to how you become ok that they'll never be part of your life? Everyday I really think about that it just kills me. I think its because we've been on and off for so long, I guess I always figured we'd find a way to make it work. Even now I feel like i'm just passing time until something happens that will bring her back to me, because of course it has to?! I just can't find a way to snap out of this way of thinking. The sense of lose, unfulfilled potential and just longing is unbearable.

 

I wish I could find a way to be angry with her, but I can't. I can't blame her for how she kept coming back to try again. At least she tried to find the same feelings I had for her. I know how much she said she wish she could, but it just wasn't meant to be.

[Itspointless]

Hi Itspointless,

 

She already broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. Maybe I should have beaten her to it, but I didn't and still don't want to lose her. I think it was always going to be her who had to end it.

 

I think just seeing her yesterday, even though theres a small chance it wasn't her, just brought the realisation that its actually over this time to life. I really want to ask her if she did just walk by, but whats the point right?

 

I just want to how you become ok that they'll never be part of your life? Everyday I really think about that it just kills me. I think its because we've been on and off for so long, I guess I always figured we'd find a way to make it work. Even now I feel like i'm just passing time until something happens that will bring her back to me, because of course it has to?! I just can't find a way to snap out of this way of thinking. The sense of lose, unfulfilled potential and just longing is unbearable.

 

I wish I could find a way to be angry with her, but I can't. I can't blame her for how she kept coming back to try again. At least she tried to find the same feelings I had for her. I know how much she said she wish she could, but it just wasn't meant to be.

I am really sorry that it had to go like this. I can not say that I do not understand you as I do. Some things in life have to be worn of. I always notice it is some kind of balance, not repressing it to much as being in denial of what happened and at the other hand trying not to think to much about it to get yourself constantly back into that sinking feeling where you lose yourself. After some time you will notice that you will get a bit of space. Some people are somewhat faster than others, I have never been. It is a horrible feeling but you will feel better in time. At some point people start to blur and our feelings get muddy.

 

The girl I spoke about in my message is someone from almost 10 years ago. I have her on my Facebook and sometimes we like messages of each-other. Had to add her myself some years ago otherwise I would have never heard of her again. A few weeks ago I saw some pictures in a drawer and went a bit sentimental for a few minutes. But even as I felt like dying back then, I am happy we are not together any-more. I liked the girl she was despite of the massive problems she had, the woman she became is not right for me.

[KS11]

I keep thinking about Saturday night and whether that was her who walked right by me. I just want to text and find out! I keep playing it over and over in my head. I can't believe after 4 years you could just walk by someone and act like you never even knew them. That all the times I was there for her, ways I showed how much I cared meant nothing.

 

My thinking is, if I message her and it turns out it definitely was her, then that'll be the thing I need to hear to move on. I think at the moment I'm just not accepting its over as she's always come back!

[johnson_j]

Man, get up, go look in the mirror and say this phrase: "I want to be a doormat to _______ (put her name here)". If you believe it, then there is nothing more that will help but time. But if you don't want to be her doormat, you get out there and make her chase you! You are the prize, not some wishy-washy girl who can't decide whether or not to be with you.

 

 

Win at your own game - walk away now.

 

 

1) Stop contacting her

2) IF she contacts you ignore her

3) ONLY reply when you can do so without a) wanting to see her, b) wishing she was with you, or c) feeling anything towards her at ALL

 

 

It might take months, but hold firm. You'll be thankful later.

[Chi townD]

I keep thinking about Saturday night and whether that was her who walked right by me. I just want to text and find out! I keep playing it over and over in my head. I can't believe after 4 years you could just walk by someone and act like you never even knew them. That all the times I was there for her, ways I showed how much I cared meant nothing.

 

My thinking is, if I message her and it turns out it definitely was her, then that'll be the thing I need to hear to move on. I think at the moment I'm just not accepting its over as she's always come back!

 

 

 

 

Dude!!!! It probably WASN'T!!!! When you break up with someone, EVERYTHING reminds us of our Ex's! Now, there's a great chance that, that girl looked a lot like your Ex; but, it probably wasn't. Now, your mind is trying to give yourself permission to contact her to find out if it was or not! Thus, breaking NC so you get your Ex drug fix.

 

 

Dude, it probably wasn't her.

[loversquarrel]

The bad news - you are hurting and broken up, it is a part of life that sucks

 

The good news - The cycle has stopped (for the time being), you are 25 (still very young)

 

Your relationship with this woman is far from healthy for you. She may love you or have loved you at some point, but she never was in love with you...look into this and know the difference.

 

It is extremely difficult for some to know the difference, especially if they have never truly been in love before. Loving someone doesn't equate to happiness, and those that "stick it out" for love's sake often find they are settling. "In" love is much different, and for it to work both people must have it for each other.

 

I don't think your ex is a headcase or has a psychological problem, I just think she has been confused for a very long time and couldn't recognize that she wasn't in love. She probably cared about you, but more as a good friend than a lover. In my experience when you are with someone you are not in love with it causes more anxiety and unhappiness than being alone.

 

I hope this can give you a little perspective, I think you have an issue here where you need closure but she just isn't ready to give it to you.

[KS11]

What a crap start to the day.

 

I woke up this morning after having my first dream about her, which was really hard. Then, stupidly, and I knew this would happen at some point, I logged on to my instagram account (which i've now deleted) to see pictures of her from yesterday looking beautiful and completely happy.

 

Does anyone know if there's a way to somehow block other peoples accounts?! I know willpower is probably the best option but I truly suck at that. I think in some pathetic way I wanted to keep her account on there so I could see just how easily she's moving on, if that makes sense, maybe it would be the thing that'd make me hate her or realise that its really happening.

 

Instead I just feel even worse, yet still know its pretty unlikely that I won't keep looking at her page.

 

Ah I just feel so betrayed. How is it fair that you give someone else your all and they walk away, knowing just how much they've hurt you and carry on their life like every things fine?! I really feel like i spent four years building her up, when I think of all the things I introduced her too, places i showed her, even down to things as small as music she now listens to, or phrases she uses, I feel like i gave her all this confidence, and conversely i'm left feeling worthless, disposable and like I was never enough.

 

I really want to send an angry message!

[emotionalMess]

KS11 - Happy? How do you know she is happy? Don't read into it that way!

 

People use social media to portray themselves in the best light.

That picture was put there for you and others to see how "well" she is doing.

Isn't that kind of pathetic?

 

I used to snoop my ex's page and had the same reaction. When I checked

she always had a new outfit on, perfect makeup and looking great. I ended up deleting my Facebook after being crushed so many times.

 

The other day, somehow Yahoo associated her live Facebook profile pic to my Gmail address so when I sent an email to Gmail from yahoo, her live facebook profile thumbnail pic showed up.

F*kn yahoo!! #$#$!

 

I was a little shocked to see her thumbnail pic there all of a sudden.

I enlarged it to get a better look and guess what? I no longer saw the beauty as I did before.

What I saw was a confused person, desperately seeking the approval and attention of others via social media in what appeared to be a picture taken a year or two back, not sure.

I did not see happiness, I saw just the opposite. I actually took pity. That same picture would have crushed me a month ago. It was strange because it was so unexpected. I braced myself then thought, wait a minute, it doesn't hurt that much at all anymore, poor woman.

 

I found her much more attractive when her profile pic was with her wearing a baseball hat, tshirt and no makeup.

 

Use this and see if it helps.

Edited July 4, 2014 by emotionalMess

[KS11]

What is the matter with me?! I had another moment of weakness last night. Even though I have a website blocker set up I went ahead a looked at her instagram again last night. Why can't I stop myself?!

 

She had just posted loads of photos from a wedding we were supposed to go to together. Looking absolutely stunning and like she's never been happier. I know like emotionalMess says it is just a facade, but I do genuinely think she must feel so much better off now.

 

I haven't yet, but I'm really considering sending a message. I'm just so angry at the situation, at her, at myself. I'm so angry that even right up till the end I never really told her how much she had hurt me, how much all her indecision had destroyed my self-esteem and now I want to. It doesn't seem right, or fair, that she can just carry on and not at least know the damage she's caused. I hate that everyone probably just thinks of her as this sweet girl who does no wrong. I keep telling myself over and over that I hate her now. Maybe it might sink in soon.

 

Does anyone have some thoughts on sending a message like that? I just want her to know that it's not ok to treat people like that! I'm fed up of waking up every morning feeling this pain in chest, sickness in my stomach and then having to fight the urge every minute to say something, all the while she's doing fine! It just reiterates that her words meant nothing, our relationship meant nothing, I, meant nothing.

[Simon Phoenix]

What is the matter with me?! I had another moment of weakness last night. Even though I have a website blocker set up I went ahead a looked at her instagram again last night. Why can't I stop myself?!

 

She had just posted loads of photos from a wedding we were supposed to go to together. Looking absolutely stunning and like she's never been happier. I know like emotionalMess says it is just a facade, but I do genuinely think she must feel so much better off now.

 

I haven't yet, but I'm really considering sending a message. I'm just so angry at the situation, at her, at myself. I'm so angry that even right up till the end I never really told her how much she had hurt me, how much all her indecision had destroyed my self-esteem and now I want to. It doesn't seem right, or fair, that she can just carry on and not at least know the damage she's caused. I hate that everyone probably just thinks of her as this sweet girl who does no wrong. I keep telling myself over and over that I hate her now. Maybe it might sink in soon.

 

Does anyone have some thoughts on sending a message like that? I just want her to know that it's not ok to treat people like that! I'm fed up of waking up every morning feeling this pain in chest, sickness in my stomach and then having to fight the urge every minute to say something, all the while she's doing fine! It just reiterates that her words meant nothing, our relationship meant nothing, I, meant nothing.

 

It's an absolutely horrible idea. Do you really think she's going to take criticism from a jaded ex serioiusly? Of course she isn't -- she'll write you off as crazy and bitter and continue on with her life. And writing that letter or note will set you back because you'll be expecting a specific response that won't come.

 

You need to stop self-inflicting your pain. Your ex didn't do anything wrong here -- she can post whatever pictures she wants. And you were the one who picked at the scab instead of leaving well enough alone.

 

This situation sucks and I feel for you, but you are a glutton for punishment right now and sending an e-mail lambasting her for something that you only discovered out of your own weakness (it's not like she was texting these pictures for you) would be foolish and inappropriate. Use your energy to develop some willpower so you can stop caving all the time. Focus your energy on positive things for you -- stop rehashing the past and using your energy in a negative, pointless way.

[KS11]

So the good news is I didn't/haven't sent anything. On reflection and I think deep down I knew it would serve no good at all, sending a letter wouldn't help at all.

 

However i'm really starting to struggle with some things..

 

I've begun to notice that she's not on my mind as much somedays, but then suddenly the moment I realise that I get this overwhelming sadness. I start thinking, well if she's even fading from my mind, then for her I must be all but forgotten by now. And then I start to really want to reach out again, get upset angry and all the rest of it. There's these three amazing films that we both loved and theres a quote from one called Before Sunrise which I keep thinking about..

 

"You know what the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you, is when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realise that that is how little they are thinking about you. You'd like to think that they are going through all this pain, but really they're just glad you're gone"

 

 

 

I keep thinking this stupid things, like when its sunny i really start missing her because we could be out enjoying it together. Or even more ridiculous, if its crap weather on the weekend i feel kinda relived as it might stop her from going out a meeting someone new. Which I know must sound crazy!! Then theres this lurking hope that because its summer holidays here next week (she's a teacher) she might get in contact because she'll be bored etc.

 

I hate how I let this entire relationship be on her terms. The on and off, her coming and going as she pleased and now she's just left for good and again i have to pick up the pieces.

 

Fu*k I miss her so much.

[KS11]

So I got the message i've been craving yesterday.

 

"(my name) I miss you so much xxx"

 

Followed by a "I understand if you don't want to speak to me" today.

 

Really hasn't solved my problems at all, like I thought it might, only added to confusion, anger, upset etc.

 

Haven't replied and at this point I don't think I will. Mostly because I'm too scared to and be left with the same bull**** as before. Like someone else cleverly put it on here the other day....shes tugging on the leash to see if there's still a dog on the end.

 

Really didn't think she'd cave first to be honest. Can't lie, I do take some pleasure it that at least!

[Chi townD]

So I got the message i've been craving yesterday.

 

"(my name) I miss you so much xxx"

 

Followed by a "I understand if you don't want to speak to me" today.

 

Really hasn't solved my problems at all, like I thought it might, only added to confusion, anger, upset etc.

 

Haven't replied and at this point I don't think I will. Mostly because I'm too scared to and be left with the same bull**** as before. Like someone else cleverly put it on here the other day....shes tugging on the leash to see if there's still a dog on the end.

 

Really didn't think she'd cave first to be honest. Can't lie, I do take some pleasure it that at least!

 

 

NOW YOU'RE LEARNING!!! Now you're listening!!

 

 

Look at those texts. First one is to try and bait you, and the second is to try and guilt you into a response. But, look at the second when she said I UNDERSTAND if you don't want to speak to me. Which tells me the first text was exactly what you thought it was; pulling on the leash to see if the dog was still there. She understands that you don't want to talk to her because; even though she "misses" you, she had no intention of changing anything. Hell, I miss football! So, what! They're not going to start the season early because I want to see a game!

 

 

Bottomline, those texts didn't say, "I'm sorry. I was wrong and I want to work things out." The ones you got are breadcrumbs.

[KS11]

Ha cheers Chi!

 

That's what I keep saying to myself..she needs to give me more than that!

 

When it all hit the fan I took a screenshot of her last message to me after I sent a pathetic pleading/begging messaging saying I missed her etc etc..to which she replied 'I don't know what to say to you, it's **** but what else can we do?'...feel like just sending her the picture! Hurts doesn't it!!

 

I've made it so clear what she was deciding to give up on and she did it anyway...again! Its funny...I knew this would happen. She finished work for the summer yesterday and I just knew she'd get in touch..granted I didn't think it would be quite so soon but I bloody called it!

 

Onwards!!

[ThorntonMelon]

KS -

 

I hope I am wrong about this, but after the adrenaline wears off of getting the message - it may sting for you for a few days - wondering what could have been. Understand that she's opening the wound that scar tissue is closing up. If you don't engage her, the wound starts healing over again. Just be open to the fact that it's going to hurt a bit (I truly hope it doesn't).

 

I have often experienced grief from breadcrumbs, I wish there was an easier way for me to process it, but eventually, things get better....

[SoThatHappened]

Onwards!!

 

Good attitude!

 

It sounds like your head is out of the fog and you're acting logically instead of emotionally.

 

It's not easy to get to that point, I know.

 

You have to push forward and ignore her. You'll probably get more breadcrumbs, but just ignore.

 

As Chi said, the first text was to try and bait you. I got the same exact thing a few days after my last breakup.

 

Just ignore. It's been over 6 weeks of NC for me, and I'm out of the fog.

 

Eating again, working out, saying "yes" to any invitation to do anything (like that movie Yes Man).

 

You will still think about her here and there, and you will have ups and downs, but the further away you get from the breakup, the better you'll feel.