zaz Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Hi.. I'm new to this site and want to post, but have this (likely irrational) fear that the person I'm writing about will see this and realize I'm writing about her. Anyone else worry about this?
jbelle6 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 No, because I doubt the dumper is sitting on here pining over me. LOL. I think you'll be fine. 1
ayala Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Do you have any idea how many people are in the world with the same problem with a person? Lol
Lani Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Also.. if they're here, don't they have concerns also? Likely about you? Unless your name is 'zaz' in real life I think you're pretty safe here kid.
Author zaz Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 Yeah, I know.. just wanted to be reassured. And I'm not even a kid.. 40-something.
Lani Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Yeah, I know.. just wanted to be reassured. And I'm not even a kid.. 40-something. I'm 107. You're a kid to me. 1
lauri Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Don't stress it. Actually, if my ex saw my posts, maybe it would help her realize how selfish and horrible she is. Even if your ex saw your posts they have zero proof it is you...plus they are your ex. Who cares what they think and feel about what you put on here .
Elle1975 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I'm not worried. If I was spreading lies I suppose that would be another story, but I'm not. Let him read whatever he wants and have a look at the story from my perspective. My forum name is partly my real name, couldn't care less. Beside I really doubt he feels so remorseful that he'd find the need to post here. I'm 40, I love when people call me kid, it's cute
ebt100 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Yes, zaz, I've worried about this. If you are worried, give some irrelevant info about you/your ex that is totally fictitious. Like, say you are from another state/country, a slightly different age, or whatever. I think it's highly unlikely someone without knowledge it is the ex would figure it out... however, the more detail you give, and it could raise suspicion.
Always Pondering Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 The odds of this happening is ridiculously low for me so I've never really even give the thought some serious consideration. I don't know how popular LS is of a interpersonal relationship board but even if it was the most popular in the world I'd still doubt she'd be on here. Funny thought though.
Author zaz Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 This is not a real breakup story and know a lot of you have been through a lot worse, but I need advice. I’m in my mid- 40’s, divorced about eight years and after several years of casual dating, realized a couple of years ago how much I wanted a close, long-term relationship. A few weeks ago, I met someone who absolutely blew me away – beautiful, kind, sweet, etc. - just something about her. I had never had such strong feelings for someone so quickly. We went out a couple of times and I was hooked. She obviously really liked me and told me so. And, by the way, no sex.. not even close. Problem was, she was recovering from a divorce and made it clear she needed more time before starting a relationship. I understood completely, but my feelings were overwhelming. So, I made the mistake of coming on too strong – told her several times how amazing she was, how attracted to her I was, texted once a day (she usually replied) and tried to see her again as soon as I could. It was nothing too extreme, but more than she was comfortable with. I even apologized a couple of times. But I was so into her, I didn’t respect her boundaries. I started to get frustrated, made a couple of very minor comments expressing my frustration through text, then emailed her telling her I felt like was getting mixed messages so I needed to back off. I didn’t say anything unkind, but I know I shouldn’t have sent it. She responded by apologizing for the mixed messages, but said things were getting too complicated so she didn’t want to keep in contact anymore. She said some very nice things about me and the time we had spent together, but wished me the best. I replied, only to tell her that she had nothing to be sorry for, the mixed messages were just the way I took things. I told her I realized I should have moved more slowly, apologized and told her I would welcome her contacting me again if she ever wanted to. I get why she cut me off - she needed to draw some boundaries. I meant well, but I know I acted like a jackass. And I was actually pretty devastated at first. I felt so strongly and we did have such a really nice connection. We both felt it… I’m sure of that. So I wonder- is this done for good? Might she might contact me again? If there is any hope for us, I want her to see that I am not as needy as I seemed and am able to respect her boundaries. But would it be Ok to contact her again in a few weeks…or months? I’d like to express by phone how sorry I am for kind of blowing the whole thing. Yes, I would hope that would lead to starting fresh, but even if not, I would hope she would appreciate my words.
flightplan Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Let this one go my friend. Lesson learned. If she's recently divorced, it's going to take her time and space. You crowded her and blew it. There's no recovery from this. If she reaches out, then good for you. If not, move on. 1
Scorpio Chick Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Oh man, maybe it wasn't a full fledged relationship, but something like this does really hurt. It sounds like it had a lot of potential and you didn't do anything 'wrong', and I think it's exactly what she said, she just needed time before she could give it her all. Sometimes your scenario hurts worse because nothing bad ever did happen, it was all good, and then 'ended'. Does she have your contact info? Phone number, email, are y'all FB friends? I would let it go right now but maybe, maybe the next significant holiday, if you haven't heard from her before, you could just send her a very brief well wish for the holiday. Something simple and sincere and short, nothing more, not even asking any question. Just a slight opening of the door. Aww, man, my heart aches for you about this, I can tell how you're feeling. Never say never. It sounds like there was something mutual going on, and she felt a little overwhelmed but really, nothing disastrous happened, so there's hope. 1
jbelle6 Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I am normally in the no contact camp, and still am, but if you feel soooooo strongly, maybe wait a month or two and just send a message asking how she is and you hope she is well. Then if she does not respond, you move on.
stillfiguringitallou Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Here is the situation If you were getting mixed messages - you need to realize that maybe she just wasn't ready - but that didn't mean she didn't want to be ready. My ex and I went through this for two years. Coming on strong - SAYING one day he needed space and time - then SAYING the next day how "someday" he wanted us to be serious. SAYING he wanted more space and us to move on with our lives separately as friends - but anytime I became interested in someone else - grasping at the relationship and moving it forward. In the end - it ended up being all about how I couldn't respect him and our relationship - when realistically it was a difference between what he was actually ready for - and what he wanted to be ready for. Anyhow - give it time and space. When and if she comes back - tell her you need to be sure of where she stands. And if it happens like this again, then move on from this.
Author zaz Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 I really appreciate the feedback! She does have my contact info, but I probably will call in a couple of weeks just to say hi...hope you're well. Tempting to apologize again, saying I've gained more perspective, but that's probably more than it needs. The only problem with calling her is that might seem as though I'm continuing to not respect her wishes.
Zahara Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 The only problem with calling her is that might seem as though I'm continuing to not respect her wishes. I told her I realized I should have moved more slowly, apologized and told her I would welcome her contacting me again if she ever wanted to. Yes, she told you no contact and you need to respect that because if you don't, you again come off as how you behaved during your time with her. You opened the door for her, so let her accept that welcome if she wants to. 1
Author zaz Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 Thanks again for all the feedback everyone. All great comments. StillFiguring.. that have me a lot to think about. Would love to hear more from anyone, but for now I think will sit with this and not contact her.
Author zaz Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 (edited) I'm mid-40s. I posted earlier about a woman I met. We went out for drinks and I was totally hooked right off the bat...and that never happens. However, she told me she was getting over a big breakup and wasn't looking for a relationship. But we went out again and really clicked. I felt I had met my dream girl and couldn't help but let her know how amazing I thought she was, more than once. She told me she thought I was great also. After that, I tried to make plans with her again. I know I was pushing too much, as she asked me to be patient. I told her that I knew I was coming on too strong and apologized. But I had a hard time holding back.. my feelings for her were so strong. And she kept telling me how great I was. But I got frustrated not being able to plan another date, so I emailed saying I was getting mixed messages and told her I perhaps shouldn't have gotten involved or should have kept my distance, that she didn't seem interested and that I was going to back off. She replied.. apologized for the mixed messages, but said I shouldn't have expected anything from her. She said things were getting too complicated so she wanted to cut contact. She did say she loved our two times together. She ended by saying there was no need to reply, take care. I did reply to say she didn't have to be sorry, that I know I came on too strong and was sorry I didn't respect her needs. I said I was here if she wanted to contact me again. I called a couple of weeks later, left a message saying I had been thinking of her and wanted her to know I know she was sincerely looking for a friendship between us and that I felt bad about being kind of an idiot about everything. I said I know she has gone through a lot with her divorce and hope she is doing well. That's it. But it's been a real struggle. I was really into her (yes, after only two dates.) I do think I got some mixed messages and am a little angry/puzzled that she cut me off, but I basically get it. My email may have hurt her feelings and I know she needed things to be easy. So, I have been beating myself up for not playing it cooler, sending the email I did, coming on so strong, acting needy, perhaps, not being more of a challenge to her and not respecting her needs. But I wonder if I'm being too hard on myself. Is it so bad to be a guy who has needs (don't we all?), to want closeness, to be an an emotional guy. Believe me, I know I acted far from perfectly, but I never said a negative word to her and said many nice things to her that I know she appreciated. I was open, direct and honest. Is that so bad? Edited June 1, 2014 by zaz Better title
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