Dealing with sexual past

[karnak]

 

Her response was unfortunate but not unheard of or unexpected - she shamed and diminished your sexual rank publicly...I fear a dynamic in your marriage has changed and I have a feeling I know how the rest of this is going to play out.

 

Unfortunately all this sounds true and seems a bad omen.

A woman in love never makes fun of her man's insecurities. Sure she may joke a bit, but in the end she'll try to help him minimize and overcome his insecurities.

 

Dichotomy is right. Sometimes a woman's opinion and emotions will change radically with (apparently) very subtle things.

Instead of joking about your issues and "exposing" them to the world she should try to make you forget about all that crap and take it completely out of your mind.

 

It's situations like yours that lead a man to question if he's the "Alpha" who conquered the woman's heart or just the "comfy, teddy-bear-like Beta".

[oldshirt]

I said to bull**** her (lie) if you have to....and pretend to be a stud and da man. I told you if she liked having sex with you - and you her - to drop this issue - and limit your conversations about your numbers and ONS abilities - to us or your shrink.

 

Her response was unfortunate but not unheard of or unexpected - she shamed and diminished your sexual rank publicly...I fear a dynamic in your marriage has changed and I have a feeling I know how the rest of this is going to play out.

 

Dichotomy is right unfortunately :-(

[oldshirt]

 

What I'm saying is that you don't get to know someone truly until you start seeing them and often you will find a side to them that they hide from others but you find very attractive and likeable. Maybe this is how she felt about you. Maybe you are hard to get to know.

 

In my experience the men that have higher number of sexual partners are extroverts - not always, but often - if you are an introvert, it's much harder to get to know you and sometimes it means it's harder to have that instant attraction as a result. Or maybe she didn't like you because she thought you didn't like her.

 

Also, in my experience attraction that builds under the surface slowly has much more substance. That 'ride off to the sunset' thing is a kid's fantasy. I'm kind of surprised you feel this way after reading your posts in the past.

 

 

Oh no, I am a huge romantic. I often write big and tough because over the years I have been around the block a few times and have been kicked in the teeth and dragged through the mud more than I care to remember, but deep down I am just a big softie and a big romantic.

 

Other than that your post is pretty spot-on. I may talk big here online but I am somewhat introverted and can be very reserved and guarded. I am often quiet and guarded but when I do speak it is often blunt and to the point and all of that can rub people the wrong way.

 

I am sure that did impact my sex life substantially. In fact looking back, up untill I got married, pretty much all of the women (including the FWBs/FBs) were people I had known for some time and had a social or profession rapport with. None were anyone I had just met.

 

It wasn't untill my swinging days that I ever went to bed with someone I had just met. (More on that later in the thread)

[oldshirt]

I am pleased and grateful for the insightful perspectives on this topic.

Well, earlier this afternoon we were in the car going to friends. I said “remember last winter when you asked how many people I’d been with?”

 

 

She gave me a wry little smile and raised one eyebrow, and said “you ducked that one didn’t you?

 

 

”Yeah. Four.

 

She actually seemed to choke a little bit and said “seriously?” (still a big friendly smile) “Were you married before this?”

 

“No, I once went five plus years without.”

 

“God, what were you waiting for?”

 

“You.”

 

“Aww, but I am not going to let you forget this anytime soon.”

 

We stopped by at a couple’s home that we are friends with.

 

The husband asked if we wanted anything to drink.

 

My wife, always the comedian, jumped in with “a glass of milk for the Virgin Ralph!”

 

So she seems to think that I did it on purpose, and therefore worthy of being the subject of jokes. I guess I am happy enough with her thinking I was often sexless by choice. But I need to do something soon to help myself, because I feel pretty worthless.

 

I and a few others see this as something a little more sinister at play here. I think there is some cause for concern.

 

I don't think this is an issue of thinking you were sexless by choice. Rather I have concerns she was just being plain ol' disrespectful and humiliating and rubbing your face in it and rubbing some salt into your wounds.

 

Dichotomy has tried to address this before and I think we need to push a little harder here so we can have a little clearer picture so give us a little background into your current home life -

 

- What is your current sexlife like now???? Are you two sexually active to the reasonable satisfaction of both of you? Is she sexually responsive to you and gets into it? Or does she just "put out" a little now and then to appease you? Is she an active participant and gets off on it or does she lay there and glance at the clock and tell you to finish up? Does she have frequent excuses and reasons why she can't have sex with you at the moment and promises to do it "later" but later never comes?

 

Who is the primary sexual aggressor in your relationship?

 

In general, who wears the pants in your house and who primarily directs the events and activities of your household? Who makes the final decisions on things and says how it's going to be?

 

How does she treat you in general?? Does she always treat you with dignity and respect and is this "Virgin Ralph" comment a gross aberration and out of character for her? Or is that a fairly typical way for her to behave around others? Basically what I'm asking is was her reaction to your disclosure in-character for her, or out of character for her?

Edited May 29, 2014 by oldshirt

[oldshirt]

 

I am not saying that I don't want to be special to my wife, I do. It's just that if she wanted ONS, and got them with men who by definition were themselves able to get ONS, and I was not in 15 years of trying able to have a ONS (including with my wife who made me wait), then I must in some way lack something that those men had.

 

Ralph, answer my questions above and we may be better able to address if there is something that you may need to address and improve in yourself a bit.

[darkmoon]

you make for a good husband, picking people up for one night stands is hardly an ability that is as worthy as that, look forward not back

[Discjockey80]

Sorry you're dealing with this my friend.

 

 

This is one of those instances where it becomes clear that what men need is respect and honor at their core (as opposed to as much love) and women need more love (as opposed to the respect and honor so many men easily give them). That's not to say that both sexes don't need and deserve both.

 

 

You need to know that you 'have' your wife and that she truly wants to give herself to you.

 

 

Go easy on her as she probably doesn't realize this at all. She thinks you just want all that stability and comfort. What drives you as a man is conquering her. That's a powerful thing and a much needed thing for any man.

 

 

In reality...you want fun, passion, excitement and you want to be the one to give it to her.

 

 

Her virgin comment was disrespectful.

[Untouched]

I don't have a sexual past so I am pretty sure I am going to end up being faced with somebody else's when I get in a relationship. I have decided that it's not my business, as long as our basic ideas about sex and all that mesh well at the time we get together. It sounds like your ideas about it mesh well, so it should be fine.

[oldshirt]

And a note to some of the other posters - this is not the typical, "I-found-out-my-wife-had-other-lovers!" Post like we are used to here.

 

He hasn't said anything that indicates he is dismayed by HER previous experiences and it is not that his values and mores in regards to sexuality are different from hers.

 

In short he is not upset or bother by her casual encounters and hook ups, but rather his lack of them.

 

He is ok with the concept of casual hook ups and ONSs, if fact he wishes he had had some.

 

This is different than the usual cases of a guy who is disgusted when he saves himself for marriage because of his values and beliefs and then finds out his wife didn't.

[littleplanet]

Well, I'm going to jump in here.

 

I guess I've known a pretty good spread of stuff over the years: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

(specifics may make me blush)

- which is silly in a man my age.

 

OP -

Assuming you're married to the woman you truly love....and she feels the same way back, I'd rest a little easy on this one.

Not necessarily a tempest in a teapot (maybe a tornado in a thermos?)

but the point is - your grounds for concern aren't nothing - but they shouldn't keep you up nights, either.

(you should be too busy with other stuff.)

 

Your wife didn't marry you for boring retirement.

You don't bore her. (All to the good.)

No doubt, she married you for excellent reasons.

(sex is just one of them)

 

Your past is what it is.

All the sex you didn't have back in the day.....

you can have now.

And it is, no doubt - of the superior and meaningful variety.

All to the good!

(um - this is often why people do get married.)

 

That her past is different from yours......doesn't need to make you feel insecure at all (though I can understand why it might.)

But still.

 

Totally understandable that when she popped the big question, it made you feel uncomfortable.

Brought back some lousy memories.

But it's not like she was rubbing your nose in it.

 

You care about her. You want to shine in her eyes.

With her - you don't need to go back and reinvent yourself......the sexual superman studmuffin is not what you were.

She doesn't care about that.

She married you anyway.

Chances are she married you for better reasons.

 

All the studs in the world..............have what they have.

 

But they ain't got her, dude.

You do.

 

Helluva thing, um?

 

Okay, read through the rest of this thread.

Especially liked the comments by Emilia (You rock!)

 

Marriage is a damned good place to work this stuff out.

(from a position of mutual trust and respect)

which no marriage can ever do without and maintain a healthy balance / sex included.

Not for any length of time, anyway.

 

We can all yell our heads off in here -

but you need to talk to your wife.

Honestly.

(That intimacy is where these things heal.)

 

Best of luck!

[radman]

Its funny to me the amazing disconnect between men and women on this one.

I brought this up to my wife last night, just out of curiosity to see where she stands on it [disclosure: as I've stated previously, both my wife and I were virgins so our numbers are the same...1!].

 

Despite having no ONS or any random hookups, she agreed completely with the women posters on here. Essentially saying that she chose him and that 'raw animal sex with a random hookup' is less important than trying to develop a relationship with a keeper. She also said that perhaps she didn't want to screw things up by introducing sex early into a possible LTR.

 

We disagreed. Essentially I took the side of the OP; I can completely empathize with him. It would feel like she is settling for the nice boring guy after she's had her fun with the exciting guys. I've been around the internet enough to know that women will often reminisce fondly on the hot sex they had with some not-quite-relationship-material-but-holy-hell-hot guy [at least, thats what some report]. Now imagine that you are the reliable husband in that situation; you know that your wife probably wistfully recalls the fun she had with the bad boy. And NO ONE is out there that is wistfully recalling the hot casual sex they had with YOU.

 

The thing that makes it so difficult for women to understand is that the OP (and guys like him) feel that because they were the safe, not-hot-enough-for-casual-sex guy that they were always going to be around as a safe back-up; the women knew that those kinds of guys won't be going anywhere because their options aren't as great as their own, so they could take their time enjoying all the casual NSA sex they could before they decided it was time to settle down. The best analogy is he feels like his the fall-back university. For a guy, this is absolutely gutting.

 

I think this is one of those items that men and women (mostly) will be unable to see the other side's POV....

Edited May 29, 2014 by radman

[oldshirt]

[/left]nny to me the amazing disconnect between men and women on this one.

I brought this up to my wife last night, just out of curiosity to see where she stands on it [disclosure: as I've stated previously, both my wife and I were virgins so our numbers are the same...1!].

 

Despite having no ONS or any random hookups, she agreed completely with the women posters on here. Essentially saying that she chose him and that 'raw animal sex with a random hookup' is less important than trying to develop a relationship with a keeper. She also said that perhaps she didn't want to screw things up by introducing sex early into a possible LTR.

 

We disagreed. Essentially I took the side of the OP; I can completely empathize with him. It would feel like she is settling for the nice boring guy after she's had her fun with the exciting guys. I've been around the internet enough to know that women will often reminisce fondly on the hot sex they had with some not-quite-relationship-material-but-holy-hell-hot guy [at least, thats what some report]. Now imagine that you are the reliable husband in that situation; you know that your wife probably wistfully recalls the fun she had with the bad boy. And NO ONE is out there that is wistfully recalling the hot casual sex they had with YOU.

 

The thing that makes it so difficult for women to understand is that the OP (and guys like him) feel that because they were the safe, not-hot-enough-for-casual-sex guy that they were always going to be around as a safe back-up; the women knew that those kinds of guys won't be going anywhere because their options aren't as great as their own, so they could take their time enjoying all the casual NSA sex they could before they decided it was time to settle down. The best analogy is he feels like his the fall-back university. For a guy, this is absolutely gutting.

 

I think this is one of those items that men and women (mostly) will be unable to see the other side's POV....

 

Good points.

 

Good points by your wife as well.

 

I think some of this comes down to options and how different people see their options.

 

You wife has a point that to a woman, a good, solid relationship with a decent man is more of a prize than a random ONS. ONSs are no challenge to any woman. Any woman could screw 20 different guys a night in a bar without lifting a finger..... as long as she didn't want anything else or ask anything else of them.

 

Getting a decent man to treat her well and commit to her and provide her a good, safe home and family and be nice to her goofy friends an family etc etc etc Is a whole different story.

 

For a guy it's the opposite in many ways. For a guy that's not exceptionally good looking or a famous celebrity etc, it is challenging to hook up for a ONS the first time you meet whereas getting a woman to have some kind of relationship isn't all that hard.

 

What's packs the sting for guys like Ralph and I and some of the others is the guys that can regularly hook up with ONSs, usually also have the option of dating those hook ups in a relationship if they so chose. The opposite is not necessarily true for the beta guys that make good relationship material but aren't sexy studs that can pick up chicks in bars and parties and such.

 

There is a disconnect in options there.

 

The desirable alpha guys can either choose to date someone legitimately if they want, or they can just bang them at a party and be done with them. Some guys lack the desirable physical traits and/or social skills to do that and have to instead date girls for weeks or months before they can get to second base.

 

As a guy, it really stings when the gal you like took weeks or months to like you enough to get sexual but banged some other guy in a parking lot an hour after she met him. There's no way in he'll you are ever going to convince him that she didn't like the other guy better and wasn't more attracted to him.

 

Women don't really see it like that because banging some guy in a parking lot is so easy, but developing a good relationship with a good man is so challenging.

[todreaminblue]

I dotn know about other women but what i can say is that one night stands are normally one night because they are just physical pleasure no mental or intellectual or emotional stimuli required......one night stands dotn care fro breakfast in the morning and conversation about hopes for the next week, they are gone in the first train ride home, they are not to me a status of importance or even sexual prowess......what impresses me more than ons......is a guy who has had hundreds of one night stands with one woman......all in all....that guy is about giving a woman sexual satisfaction and has staying power in many areas.......

 

 

 

 

 

you can be blase about ons ....you cant be blase about a relationship that meant something.......i am celibate at this time.......it would be easy for me to have ons and satisfy a high sex drive.....the thing is i have known men intimately and i have known enough men which is not a number i would ever give......because they are faceless men.........unknown number.....not one night stands.......not going any further....but to say it was more by the quarter hour.......

 

 

i am not going into retirement or because i have lost desire for sex.....not at all..... by being celibate......i am celibate because i want love not sex........if you have sex enough you realize that you wish that sex every time you had it was with someone who actually loved you and who you loved too.......

 

 

i am sorry you are finding it hard to deal with her past.......she isnt retiring not in my mind anyway.....she has all she needs in you.....much more than just sex.....although....smilin....i am sure that sex that you have is going to be awesome...but it isnt just the magnetism of a look you guys have.......looks are fleeting and dont mean much if they dont include the talks and hopes shared over brekkie in the morning after sex...the looks given when her hair is bed hair and your eyes are sleepy...... ....deb

[ralph.stegner]

I and a few others see this as something a little more sinister at play here. I think there is some cause for concern.

 

I don't think this is an issue of thinking you were sexless by choice. Rather I have concerns she was just being plain ol' disrespectful and humiliating and rubbing your face in it and rubbing some salt into your wounds.

 

Dichotomy has tried to address this before and I think we need to push a little harder here so we can have a little clearer picture so give us a little background into your current home life -

 

- What is your current sexlife like now???? Are you two sexually active to the reasonable satisfaction of both of you? Is she sexually responsive to you and gets into it? Or does she just "put out" a little now and then to appease you? Is she an active participant and gets off on it or does she lay there and glance at the clock and tell you to finish up? Does she have frequent excuses and reasons why she can't have sex with you at the moment and promises to do it "later" but later never comes?

 

Who is the primary sexual aggressor in your relationship?

 

In general, who wears the pants in your house and who primarily directs the events and activities of your household? Who makes the final decisions on things and says how it's going to be?

 

How does she treat you in general?? Does she always treat you with dignity and respect and is this "Virgin Ralph" comment a gross aberration and out of character for her? Or is that a fairly typical way for her to behave around others? Basically what I'm asking is was her reaction to your disclosure in-character for her, or out of character for her?

 

 

 

I'll try to address all of your questions. I should say at the outset that:

 

 

She wasn't making fun of my insecurities. I didn't let on at all that I was insecure. We both have a "teasing" sense of humor. If she knew this was painful for me she wouldn't have made light of it. The friends she made these jokes in front of are pretty close, and no explanation of the comment was made or asked for afterward.

 

 

Current sex life: I rate it as being good. I would say that she initiates roughly half of the time, more lately. She is pretty active in the process, and can get a real dirty mouth sometimes. We can run the gamut of sweet and cuddly love making to doing property-damaging f*cking.

 

 

If there has been a problem, it has been on my side since I have started having the issues we have been discussing. I stopped in the middle of sex a couple weeks ago due to being preoccupied by this.

 

 

Wearer of the household pants: I don't feel like I'm being commanded, but I don't really give her orders either. We just sort of divide the labor without too much fuss.

 

 

Thanks for the responses.

[littleplanet]

Its funny to me the amazing disconnect between men and women on this one.

I brought this up to my wife last night, just out of curiosity to see where she stands on it [disclosure: as I've stated previously, both my wife and I were virgins so our numbers are the same...1!].

 

Despite having no ONS or any random hookups, she agreed completely with the women posters on here. Essentially saying that she chose him and that 'raw animal sex with a random hookup' is less important than trying to develop a relationship with a keeper. She also said that perhaps she didn't want to screw things up by introducing sex early into a possible LTR.

 

We disagreed. Essentially I took the side of the OP; I can completely empathize with him. It would feel like she is settling for the nice boring guy after she's had her fun with the exciting guys. I've been around the internet enough to know that women will often reminisce fondly on the hot sex they had with some not-quite-relationship-material-but-holy-hell-hot guy [at least, thats what some report]. Now imagine that you are the reliable husband in that situation; you know that your wife probably wistfully recalls the fun she had with the bad boy. And NO ONE is out there that is wistfully recalling the hot casual sex they had with YOU.

 

The thing that makes it so difficult for women to understand is that the OP (and guys like him) feel that because they were the safe, not-hot-enough-for-casual-sex guy that they were always going to be around as a safe back-up; the women knew that those kinds of guys won't be going anywhere because their options aren't as great as their own, so they could take their time enjoying all the casual NSA sex they could before they decided it was time to settle down. The best analogy is he feels like his the fall-back university. For a guy, this is absolutely gutting.

 

I think this is one of those items that men and women (mostly) will be unable to see the other side's POV....

 

Awesome post.

 

You know, perhaps the operative issue here is - how does a guy deal with being Mr. Boring Dependable?

If he didn't get his jollies back in the young and foolish orgiastic days, then it's up to him to make up his mind whether or not what he has now is better?

All that ego-itch adds up to less than jock itch, I think.

 

I figure any good woman worth her salt doesn't measure her man by the tally marks on his red-hot gotchies.

That's assuming - that he really IS her man.

 

I dunno......if I were in the thick of a blazing intimate confessional with the missus - I might be more concerned if that tallied up to several dozen torrid love affairs (the "can't ever forget or get over variety.)

 

But zipless sex?

That's just previous Olympic games in the forum, no?

Celebrating the good old instant replays on the Jumbotron.

The fans cheer.

The stats show up in the morning paper.

 

Some play. Some just watch.

Some ignore it altogether.

 

Whoever I didn't bang and whyever for really doesn't matter a damn.

Nor should it.

Mr. Boring Dependable knows exactly who and what he'll find in his bed tonight. And why that is.

 

She wasn't there back in the glorious days of the Olympiad -

(no doubt, distracted by the Adonises)

but that doesn't have a thing to do with her choices now.

She kinda likes boring dependable..............

[littleplanet]

I'll try to address all of your questions. I should say at the outset that:

 

 

She wasn't making fun of my insecurities. I didn't let on at all that I was insecure. We both have a "teasing" sense of humor. If she knew this was painful for me she wouldn't have made light of it. The friends she made these jokes in front of are pretty close, and no explanation of the comment was made or asked for afterward.

 

 

Current sex life: I rate it as being good. I would say that she initiates roughly half of the time, more lately. She is pretty active in the process, and can get a real dirty mouth sometimes. We can run the gamut of sweet and cuddly love making to doing property-damaging f*cking.

 

 

If there has been a problem, it has been on my side since I have started having the issues we have been discussing. I stopped in the middle of sex a couple weeks ago due to being preoccupied by this.

 

 

Wearer of the household pants: I don't feel like I'm being commanded, but I don't really give her orders either. We just sort of divide the labor without too much fuss.

 

 

Thanks for the responses.

 

STANDING OVATION !

 

You're fine, OP.

 

You just initiated a rousing good gender-iffic word-toss.

(Brings back awful nice memories!)

 

What's a little marital anxiety once in awhile?

(can make for some hell-raising passions)

and spice up the domestic front.

 

I'd say offhand 99% of this can be solved by the intimacy between the two of you.

Seems to me - you're on the right track.

(Keep the humor alive)

[ralph.stegner]

Yeah, you nailed it.

 

 

Its funny to me the amazing disconnect between men and women on this one.

I brought this up to my wife last night, just out of curiosity to see where she stands on it [disclosure: as I've stated previously, both my wife and I were virgins so our numbers are the same...1!].

 

Despite having no ONS or any random hookups, she agreed completely with the women posters on here. Essentially saying that she chose him and that 'raw animal sex with a random hookup' is less important than trying to develop a relationship with a keeper. She also said that perhaps she didn't want to screw things up by introducing sex early into a possible LTR.

 

We disagreed. Essentially I took the side of the OP; I can completely empathize with him. It would feel like she is settling for the nice boring guy after she's had her fun with the exciting guys. I've been around the internet enough to know that women will often reminisce fondly on the hot sex they had with some not-quite-relationship-material-but-holy-hell-hot guy [at least, thats what some report]. Now imagine that you are the reliable husband in that situation; you know that your wife probably wistfully recalls the fun she had with the bad boy. And NO ONE is out there that is wistfully recalling the hot casual sex they had with YOU.

 

The thing that makes it so difficult for women to understand is that the OP (and guys like him) feel that because they were the safe, not-hot-enough-for-casual-sex guy that they were always going to be around as a safe back-up; the women knew that those kinds of guys won't be going anywhere because their options aren't as great as their own, so they could take their time enjoying all the casual NSA sex they could before they decided it was time to settle down. The best analogy is he feels like his the fall-back university. For a guy, this is absolutely gutting.

 

I think this is one of those items that men and women (mostly) will be unable to see the other side's POV....

[ralph.stegner]

Thanks for clarifying this old shirt. I didn't even realize what you described was a thing until I started looking through the related threads. I should emphasize that I don't feel like getting out there and meeting your sexual needs (safely) is at all wrong. I believe that sex is a human right (not a guarantee, however).

 

And a note to some of the other posters - this is not the typical, "I-found-out-my-wife-had-other-lovers!" Post like we are used to here.

 

He hasn't said anything that indicates he is dismayed by HER previous experiences and it is not that his values and mores in regards to sexuality are different from hers.

 

In short he is not upset or bother by her casual encounters and hook ups, but rather his lack of them.

 

He is ok with the concept of casual hook ups and ONSs, if fact he wishes he had had some.

 

This is different than the usual cases of a guy who is disgusted when he saves himself for marriage because of his values and beliefs and then finds out his wife didn't.

[Jatan]

Hi, I need to get this off my chest. I have recently married a wonderful woman. However I can get very sad about the difference in our sexual pasts. This has been going on for months, and I had hoped that time would make it go away. Not much luck with that so far.

 

 

Early in the marriage, she asked me the question (how many people have you been with?) I sort of mumbled and stammered, I was sort of embarrassed, I have been with 4 prior to her. I didn't tell her that though, and just turned the question back on her. She said probably between 15 and 20 including "many one night stands." I didn't really know how to take that, it made me feel funny in a non descript way, but I couldn't really put my finger on it.

 

 

A couple months later, after watching a comedy where two people "hooked up." She lightly mentioned it reminded her of something she did at an office party a couple years ealier, she then made the comment "every one knows what that's like."

 

 

That's when it started. Suddenly I realized I didn't "know what that's like." I spent my later teens, twenties, and early thirties trying to "hook up" but with no success. I had 4 girlfriends, who like my wife, asked me to wait for several weeks, or months prior to having sex. Nothing wrong with that, but it made me think why did I have to wait when evidently several other did not?

 

 

I ran with social groups in my younger year (high school, later in a bad rock band, and finally in the marines for several years) where my friends regularly "hooked up" with women. I saw how the women looked at them before they left together, and was never able to produce a look like that from any female I talked to.

 

 

So when my wife said "you know what that's like" I suddenly realized several men have been able to arouse that immediate attraction in her. Not only was I not able to arouse that in her, I haven't in anyone else either.

 

 

The problem isn't that she had one night stands, it's that I haven't. I sort feel like: if you got to get that out of your system, what am I? The boring guy? The harmless guy? I really don't like how this feels. My self esteem has bottomed out.

 

 

I talked to my buddy about this, he said he and his wife laugh talking about all their sexual misadventures prior to meeting each other. I don't feel like I can do that. I don't know what to do.

 

 

Sorry this is so long. I don't know that I really have a question. I just need to get it out.

She had fun before you but those are not what she is looking for in long term relationships. You are the type that gals want to find to be a husband. Not those with sweet words that can arouse women all the time. You give her security and that is y i thinks she married u. Good luck bro!

[Discjockey80]

If I can just add to the end of this...the thing is, most men desire a deep, passionate, hot sexual relationship with their wife. They want to be able to rouse that desire easily in her and I would say that while that shouldn't be a problem...if it ever is a problem, that's when the anxiety takes over. And, that's when sometimes the bitterness arises.

 

A man has a fundamental inherent need to sexually dominate and arouse his wife. It's a fundamental core psychological need.

 

We should be a able to have the wildest, most passionate sex of our lives in our marriages. Period. That's what it was designed for. Anything else or less is a tragedy.

 

At the end of the day we (Husbands) need to know we can be the badboy too. And we should accept nothing less out of our women (being the badgirl).

 

I guess as an aside I would add...Mr. Boring Dependable is kind of an insult. I don't know why. But I don't think anyone would want to be characterized as that...given the nature of the phrase.

Edited May 30, 2014 by Discjockey80

[karnak]

This thread sort of ressurects the ages-old question of "Alpha" vs "Beta" relationships.

 

Michelle Langley (an author which seems to be sort of an "anathema" for most women - and even herself aknowledges the fact) also has a take on this subject in her books.

 

She states that most women (when they're still young) will go for the "comfort zone", marrying the nice, stable guy which will make them feel secure and safe.

 

Later, when their body starts to change (testosterone increases with age in female bodies) they start to feel more and more need for steamy sex. Hence why a woman who was once a loving spouse in her 20's, becomes a serial cheater in her 30's or 40's.

 

It's true that many people may disagree with such statements, but it certainly rings true in some things. When I was a kid in my early 20s I remember that almost every girl my age used to say that a man's looks or sexual prowess were not important, and that the "real deal" was if a man was a good gentle and caring man.

 

Well... I'm in my late 30s now. And most of those girls from the past are now divorced or really frustrated in their marriages (I'd say that only 90% of them seem to be in happy, fulfilling marriages). And those that divorced usually accuse their ex-husbands of being "wimps" and "weak men".

 

To be honest I never came across an older woman (40 years+) stating that they put the physical aspect of the relationship in second place anymore.

In fact I've read several statements by older, divorced women, where they show their preference for attractive men with a good sexual dynamic.

 

Sure, almost avery woman says that they want a good, gentle, caring man. If that's the case, why do so many "good, gentle and caring" men come to Loveshack to ask for advice regarding their spouses infidelities and divorce??

 

 

Mind you... a similar thing happens with men. Most men claim to want a decent, serious, loving wife to be their mate and companion and mother to their kids. Yet, so many many times they will disrespect her and cheat on her with "trailer trash" sluts with loose morals and whore-like attitudes.

 

Oh, the humanity...

[Discjockey80]

This thread sort of ressurects the ages-old question of "Alpha" vs "Beta" relationships.

 

Michelle Langley (an author which seems to be sort of an "anathema" for most women - and even herself aknowledges the fact) also has a take on this subject in her books.

 

She states that most women (when they're still young) will go for the "comfort zone", marrying the nice, stable guy which will make them feel secure and safe.

 

Later, when their body starts to change (testosterone increases with age in female bodies) they start to feel more and more need for steamy sex. Hence why a woman who was once a loving spouse in her 20's, becomes a serial cheater in her 30's or 40's.

 

It's true that many people may disagree with such statements, but it certainly rings true in some things. When I was a kid in my early 20s I remember that almost every girl my age used to say that a man's looks or sexual prowess were not important, and that the "real deal" was if a man was a good gentle and caring man.

 

Well... I'm in my late 30s now. And most of those girls from the past are now divorced or really frustrated in their marriages (I'd say that only 90% of them seem to be in happy, fulfilling marriages). And those that divorced usually accuse their ex-husbands of being "wimps" and "weak men".

 

To be honest I never came across an older woman (40 years+) stating that they put the physical aspect of the relationship in second place anymore.

In fact I've read several statements by older, divorced women, where they show their preference for attractive men with a good sexual dynamic.

 

Sure, almost avery woman says that they want a good, gentle, caring man. If that's the case, why do so many "good, gentle and caring" men come to Loveshack to ask for advice regarding their spouses infidelities and divorce??

 

 

Mind you... a similar thing happens with men. Most men claim to want a decent, serious, loving wife to be their mate and companion and mother to their kids. Yet, so many many times they will disrespect her and cheat on her with "trailer trash" sluts with loose morals and whore-like attitudes.

 

Oh, the humanity...

 

 

 

I think what this reflects is simply 'phases' of life we go thru as men and women. I know of many marriages where it was acknowledged that a certain partner wanted a different sexual dynamic and the other partner adjusted accordingly. In a healthy marriage the woman would simply seek out more sex with her husband and vice-versa on the husbands end with regard to her needs/his needs.

 

 

What often happens is when things get 'dry' one spouse blames their new urges on the other spouse and may claim "It was b/c they were weak" or "they were frigid". In reality it's a matter of doing what it takes to make healthy changes together.

 

 

Otherwise, why EVER get married. Seems pointless and insulting.

[karnak]

 

Otherwise, why EVER get married. Seems pointless and insulting.

 

It's no wonder that many psychologists and sex therapists are seriously considering that, in the future, marriage dynamics will change radically or even marriage will be terminated altogether.

 

Makes sense, somehow. In the past marriage was considered to be a "contract for life". To break it implied banishment from society and to indulge in infidelity usually meant death for the cheating wife (the husband usually was free to indulge in all the extra-marital sex he could acquire).

 

Nowadays only a fool would assume that his or her marriage is meant for life. Almost all of my divorced friends (men and women) don't want to consider a second marriage. And even though some are in new relationships, and consider the hypothesis of having more children with their new partners, they don't want to go through the motion of going through a second divorce.

 

I guess, to some people, a "break-up" is not as painful or shameful as a divorce, somehow.

 

I've read articles where some specialists consider the future to involve "open relationships" (similar to happens a bit, right now) or to be polyandric. Who knows?

[Discjockey80]

I don't think it HAS to come to that though.

 

 

To me, it seems to be this issue of for some reason married couples, particularly wives, (but Im sure husbands too) have issues letting themselves just open up sexually and have that rotten dirty delicious steamy sex.

 

 

Once they do, it seems to take a lot of the issues out of marriage. It would seem it's more of a matter of not thinking of marriage as this semi-sexual contract whereby two people have to do all this business stuff together and have a certain kind of sex/interact a certain way.

 

 

I consider myself more liberated though. I'm a Christian who has truly found what God intended as his design for sex (from the bible) as opposed to getting spoon fed 'pulpit dogma' that often represses people and is in fact a manmade misconstrued interpretation of the bible.

 

 

I guess I would add to this, its funny how the only difference in relational perspective is simply the difference between 'marriage' and an otherwise 'relationship'. LOL Kinda makes it seem pretty transparent that it's all in titles and appearance.

Edited May 30, 2014 by Discjockey80

[crederer]

It sounds like you guys got married before you knew each other. And I can understand how these things might get under your skin.