CrystalCastles Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Is it a common thing for taken people to be checking what else is out there? It's happened to me twice- a guy would act like he's completely single and pursue me, then by some circumstance I would find out that he's in a relationship and has been the entire time we've been developing things. Is this a common problem? Are there signs I can read to avoid it? Because it always comes as such a surprise to me, that the guy who has been interested in me is not actually single.
Phoe Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Sadly, it's more common than it should be. 2 of my exes fished while with me, then cheated and left me. Alternately, one guy I dated kept me strangely distant. Turned out he had a live in girlfriend. A month after I stopped seeing him they got engaged. I know many couples who have cheated on each other. One guy I know who has a fiance and a baby on the way cheated on her 2 weeks ago with another girl I know. 2 girls I know who are taken both cheated on their men with the same grody guy. I only know a handful of couples who appear to have remained faithful. I know it's very possible and that many people remain faithful easily, so WHY does this crap still happen?
Author CrystalCastles Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 WHY does this crap still happen? That is very sad. And I'd love to know the answer to this question. It's such a blow when the guy you think is the best thing since sliced bread, the guy you feel you understand and that the chemistry between you is amazing, is actually living a double life and pretending to be someone he's not. I don't understand that. Is it really THAT hard to remain with ONE person?? The thing that pisses me off the most is the time I wasted on those two losers. Now, every time I meet some guy I have great chemistry with, and he shows interest in me, I start wondering how much of the **** he's telling me is actually true. 2
Mr Scorpio Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I only know a handful of couples who appear to have remained faithful. I know it's very possible and that many people remain faithful easily, so WHY does this crap still happen? Because social-media makes it easier to do behind a partner's back?
ASG Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Because social-media makes it easier to do behind a partner's back? Nah! It was happening WAYYYYY before social media. Has nothing to do with it. Men cheat because they want to. Same as women. It is what it is. There's this guy I slept with a while ago... I had no idea he had a fiance when it happened. They got married recently. And he was telling me, as we were talking about cheating, that it's only difficult the first time. First time he cheated he felt rotten. Really uncomfortable around his GF. And then he did it again and it was nothing! These guys also love their SOs. Serial cheaters will NOT leave their SOs and will do everything in their power to keep the cheating a secret. This guy was telling me he doesn't believe we were made to be monogamous. But that he really believes in his relationship and loves his now wife above all others.
Phoe Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Because social-media makes it easier to do behind a partner's back? I suppose the question is, regardless of how easy it is, regardless of how many more opportunities there may be, why do people even feel the need to take those opportunities? That indicates some big problems morally speaking, when simple opportunity is enough to spur someone into action. I have no interest in cheating or looking for others. You could throw a million easy opportunities to do so at me, and I would have no interest. Cheating has no place in my life. It never will. 5
somedude81 Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Uh, I actually made a thread on this issue a while ago. My reasoning was that I was crushed when my ex left me, and if I already had a girl I was seeing, I wouldn't have been hurt when she eventually dumped me. In the end it is dishonest. I'd also like to mention that the same thing happened with my ex. I met her when she was in a relationship. While she did not cheat on him with me, which I never would have allowed, she did leave him to be with me. Granted she wasn't looking for other guys, she just couldn't resist the dude
Woggle Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Sadly it is very common. Sometimes I wonder if my wife and I are the only ones who even take commitment and being faithful seriously anymore. 1
gaius Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I've done it a few times when I felt like I wasn't getting enough attention or the relationship was headed for the end and the writing was on the wall. Just flirting and talking mostly. Never physically cheated on anyone before. I actually started talking to my last girlfriend while I was dating the girlfriend before her. Nothing sexual happened during the overlap but I knew I was way into the new one and had to get out of the old relationship. =/ You should ask them point blank early on if they're seeing someone. Other than that just keep an eye out for things that don't seem to match up. A lot of dishonest people out there.
mammasita Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Because social-media makes it easier to do behind a partner's back? Nah! It was happening WAYYYYY before social media. Has nothing to do with it. Of course its always been happenning, but the fact is that social media DOES make it a ton easier....especially with all of the dating apps for smart phones (i.e. tinder) It's really a shame too that some people (men in my case) are dumb enough to use the same screen name on dating sites as their email/facebook so when I do research .....I find girlfriends, engagements, kids, families.....
Frank2thepoint Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Is it a common thing for taken people to be checking what else is out there? It's happened to me twice- a guy would act like he's completely single and pursue me, then by some circumstance I would find out that he's in a relationship and has been the entire time we've been developing things. Is this a common problem? Are there signs I can read to avoid it? Because it always comes as such a surprise to me, that the guy who has been interested in me is not actually single. It's a common thing for people that either feel strongly that something is missing from their current relationship and they don't want to break up because they are afraid of being single, or such people get this bug in their head that convinces them they can always do better than what they have. Speaking for myself, I never had an inclination to cheat/stray/wander. I always tried to make my relationships work, and if things weren't going well, or something was missing that I couldn't get regardless of my efforts, I broke up. For me, I see cheating would not solve the problems I may have in a relationship. They would just compound them, making me feel confused and unbalanced. I don't know if there are any obvious signs you can detect which will allude they are not single (aside from a man's wedding band leaving an untanned mark on their finger), but you always ask directly if they are seeing anyone and pay attention to their body language on how they answer. This is not fool proof because some people are really good at lying.
Author CrystalCastles Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 I suppose the question is, regardless of how easy it is, regardless of how many more opportunities there may be, why do people even feel the need to take those opportunities? That indicates some big problems morally speaking, when simple opportunity is enough to spur someone into action. I have no interest in cheating or looking for others. You could throw a million easy opportunities to do so at me, and I would have no interest. Cheating has no place in my life. It never will. I agree completely. I think it has to do with a cheater's morals, or rather, lack of. 2
whichwayisup Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Is it a common thing for taken people to be checking what else is out there? It's happened to me twice- a guy would act like he's completely single and pursue me, then by some circumstance I would find out that he's in a relationship and has been the entire time we've been developing things. Is this a common problem? Are there signs I can read to avoid it? Because it always comes as such a surprise to me, that the guy who has been interested in me is not actually single. This is a total ego feed and for the person doing the flirting and pursuing to know they still 'got it', can get someone else even though they are in a relationship. Or the guy is just a dog and a cheater, has no respect for his girlfriend and he's a player (probably dates more than just you on the side).
MissBee Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Is it a common thing for taken people to be checking what else is out there? It's happened to me twice- a guy would act like he's completely single and pursue me, then by some circumstance I would find out that he's in a relationship and has been the entire time we've been developing things. Is this a common problem? Are there signs I can read to avoid it? Because it always comes as such a surprise to me, that the guy who has been interested in me is not actually single. Yes it's called cheating or someone with poor boundaries who is open to it. For some people being in a relationship doesn't mean they're off the market, even though for most that is what it means. Just ask point blank. That's what I do. I don't even mince words, as I realize that people have different views on things and while for some people being married or in a relationship means you are not to be pursuing others, for other people this isn't the case in their mind, so I simply ask, quite casually or even a bit jokingly, but I'm serious: "Are you free, single and disengaged? As in, you don't have a wife, gf, S/O, mother of your children, someone out there who believes you have a relationship with them and whom you failed to tell it's over?" I'm dead serious...I ask this...and have managed to avoid cheaters as I have met men who stuttered at this then tried to explain like "Well...technically..." and that's when I roll my eyes and move on. So it doesn't hurt IMO to ask. Men who are single will say they are without qualification. But you can also look out for signs of any suspicious behavior. If you feel like you aren't the only one...you're probably right.
carhill Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Is it a common thing for taken people to be checking what else is out there? I see 'fishing' and 'checking out what else is out there' as discreet issues. Most of my male friends still check out other women, even though they've been married for decades. They might even flirt with them. That's different than 'fishing' for a replacement spouse or partner. That mindset, that all women are worthy of their attention and interest, even if situational/in the moment, is part of their 'edge' and part of the reason why they're successful family men, parents and grandparents. The main advantage to having eyes only for one's spouse is, like a horse with blinders on, one can only see what's in front of them. Sheltered vision. Less extraneous inputs to process; less chance of error. More predictable. This may work when attraction from one's spouse is high and consistent, but watch out when it's not. 'Boring'. Part of the reason women around here are single for ten seconds is because they're 'fishing' while still married; I've been on their stringer back when I was single enough to know. There's a reason why a stringer has many clips on it and that is to hold one's limit and then one can select from the catch what they wish to eat and then feed the rest to the birds. The best man is selected and the rest are discarded, including the prior mate. It works!
RedRobin Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Some people have a hard time being alone and are predominantly externally motivated or validated. Lack of ability to delay gratification is also a strong indicator of those prone to cheat or monkey branch.
hotpotato Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Yep. I was left for other women when I was dating my bfs. They already had someon else lined up. I think if someone wants to leave, they should just leave, but most people dont want to be coupled one day then single the next.
Targetlock Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I find it sad that this happens i can only keep my focus on one girl at a time and barely notice other women, guess i'm the head over heels kind of guy
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