Greeneyegemini Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I've been lurking around here for awhile, reading about people going through what I am gives me a sense of ....comfort I guess? Very, very, very long story short. I was dumped last Monday. It was an LDR, he said that the distance "wore his heart down". I loved him deeply...he said he loved me...although now I'm having my doubts. We were going out for 8 months, and it was a good relationship to the point I thought he was "the one" and he had mentioned spending his life with me, etc. It was just weird in how it happened. He had told me a couple sundays ago that he loved me. Then I didn't hear from him. Then he said he was breaking up with me. I talked him out of it...he said he needed a break to figure things out. During this convo he cried. I embarrassingly begged, and pleaded in order to get the "break" instead of a break-up. BUT, alas instead of giving him a break....I freaked out and texted/ called a bagillion times. Daily. Then last monday he I called 2-3 times, and he answered the 3rd time. He said it was over. That it "wasn't going to happen". That I should forget his voice and try to move on. He said he needed time. And that by me calling/texting it was "abuse". He got a little pissed off at me because he was at work and he said I was going to get him in trouble for talking that long on the phone. He's a firm believer in God and he said that we will find people who we love even more. And I was like....well how do you know that God just doesn't think we should be together now...but maybe in the future...and he was like, "Because, God's already healing my heart." I guess that's when I accepted that I couldn't change his mind. Although for the past week I've had the dreaded HOPE that he'd change his mind. I sent him a final email last monday saying I accepted his decision and that I'll try to move on. That I just wanted him to be happy. He didn't reply. I did the No Contact...he hasn't tried to contact me in the last 8 days that I haven't contacted him. I messed up today, broke down. Messaged him 2 times. Called 2 times. No response. So now I feel a lot worse about myself. If you know me, or did before this, you'd know I'm not a pathetic desperate girl. I am completely embarrased with how I handled this situation. Maybe some of you have felt this before, but the thought of losing him forever put me into this panic mode where I felt like I was possessed....haha. Anyway. Before this guy I had my guard up and was the type to never, ever, ever want to fall in love. But I did. I hate feeling like I'm not in control of my actions. It's crazy. I guess the hardest part of this is I know for a fact that during this relationship he had the same feelings for me that I had for him. He even bought us both promise rings which we wore constantly. It's just so strange to go from that, and feeling so much love, to feeling like his feelings changed over night and now I'm having to cope with the gigantic empty hole he left behind. We used to talk like 3-6 hours per night and knew everything about eachother....it's a huge hole now. Oh and I'm also a little pissed that he is doing the NC on me. I feel like I deserve answers, or even a "how are you". Even though I know that's crazy talk...that him not talking to me IS for the best because it will help me to move on. It just sucks alot to think that I loved him so much and he can just walk away and seemingly not care or even be tempted to reply. Has anyone ever had an ex just break up and walk away....never to be heard from again? BASICALLY. I wish one of you were here to slap/strangle/beat some sense into me.
chados Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 He's doing you a favour believe it or not. We always want answers and often we don't get what we want. Either they lie or the answer isn't right for you. Nothing is enough. Purity rings thing I will never understand. You seen to know what went wrong. Accept it and move on. Are you a believer in god like he is? Maybe that's something you two don't share. And maybe that's important to him.
Snagglepuss89 Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Instead of slapping some sense into you I'm going to tell you it's perfectly normal, you're in a lot of emotional pain right now. I can't speak for this guy and how he felt, but I can say this: The fact that he can walk away from this so calmly compared to you isn't because the depth of what he felt for you (at least at one time) is so much less, it's that he's had a lot more time to steel himself and essentially let go of you. This likely wasn't sudden so much as something he had been working himself up to do for awhile. Was that the first time he said he loved you, a couple weeks ago? If not, I can't explain his train of thought. He may have just been going through the motions though if it's something he's told you for awhile. I know it's painful, but you'll get through this. No contact is honestly for the best, it'll help this heal much more quickly. Sorry to hear you two didn't work out, but I hope this becomes an opportunity to find someone even better in your future.
xilver Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Making a clean break and going NC is the fastest way to heal. He realized for whatever reason that it wasn't going to work and went NC. I have done that in the past when I find myself in a relationship that even though I love the girl I can see she is not happy. Constant arguing, complaining and no matter how many times we talk about it and try to work on it the cycle continues. When I find myself in that situation I know it is time for NC for her sake and mine.
jbelle6 Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I find when it's sudden like that and they have anger like that, they found someone else. I hate saying that to you but that's what it sounds like. 3
flightplan Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) I'm 7 months post break up. Like you, mine was also a LDR... and... My ex pulled the "God" conversation on me too. We would talk every night for 3+ hours. I would fly to see her twice a month. But in the end... She calmly ended it and went on her merry way apparently satisfied in her self righteous decision. I know for a fact that no one else was involved. I haven't heard a peep out of her since. I've been NC ever since and do not regret it. It's the best thing I've done. It hurt... it hurt like hell, but I'm recovering and learned a lot about myself. Since I don't know all your particulars, I can only offer advice based on what worked for me since we have a couple of things in common. Walk away. Fast. This guy sounds very religious... more so than you... which is all good for him. I could be wrong. But in my experience, these types see the world in very black and white terms. There is very little tolerance in others. I wasn't as religious as she was, but I accepted her unconditionally. She couldn't do it. It sounds like he saw this relationship as very black and white... and if that's the case, he's doing you a huge favor by breaking it off. Sorry for your pain, but it is what it is. Use the opportunity to learn more about yourself and grow beyond what this guy could ever offer. Good luck. Edited May 28, 2014 by flightplan
Author Greeneyegemini Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 Xilver: I do know that him NC'ing me is definitely for the best. It's still hard though feeling like he's the one who made me miserable and now he is just going to not talk to me at all. I realize he is trying to heal too....and I guess that is why he's doing it. He did say during breakup that he still wants to know how I am. My mind is ridiculous now, instead of seeing it as him trying to help me, I see it as him giving me the cold shoulder. Chados: I do believe in God....that is why this is so confusing for me. When we met we were both in a pretty dark place. We were lonely, and it had been about 3 years since our last relationship. We both figured we were never going to find someone as good as them...until we found eachother. We connected immediately and he'd always say... "this just...works". Snagglepuss: He had told me he loved me a lot. And I knew he meant it. The saturday before break up we were talking, venting about things. And he just sighed and was like "I love you. We do a great service to eachother.....I listen to you and you listen to me". THEN BAM!!!! Monday, and the breakup. If I had seen it coming I'd be able to cope better. I feel so blindsided. Jbelle: That actually did cross my mind. But because of my last relationship, I always have that in the very back of my mind. But I DID think, maybe he did find someone else that went to his church. And he's going to try things with her because she's NOT LDR, and it's much easier. If that's the case he's going to have to live with that guilt... and regret it if things with her aren't as good as they were with us. At least I know I tried everything I could to make us work. Flightplan: The thing that's the worst about the "God convo" is how it leaves me feeling about myself. I was like...wow....God doesn't want you to be with me, does that make me a horrible person? He wasn't freakishly religious. He'd pray, and has the same beliefs as I do. In the last convo I asked him how he knew it wasn't Satan putting crappy insecurities in his mind about being in an LDR so that we would break up. And he was just like "That's not what this is...i've never been closer to God than I am now". I was willing to fight for our relationship, and he feels like he's doing what God wants him to do. And at least I know that there is no changing his mind. And I have accepted that it IS over. How long were you in a relationship with your ex? I'm having a hard time filling the void. He was my best friend and we talked all the time.
flightplan Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 . Flightplan: The thing that's the worst about the "God convo" is how it leaves me feeling about myself. I was like...wow....God doesn't want you to be with me, does that make me a horrible person? He wasn't freakishly religious. He'd pray, and has the same beliefs as I do. In the last convo I asked him how he knew it wasn't Satan putting crappy insecurities in his mind about being in an LDR so that we would break up. And he was just like "That's not what this is...i've never been closer to God than I am now". I was willing to fight for our relationship, and he feels like he's doing what God wants him to do. And at least I know that there is no changing his mind. And I have accepted that it IS over. How long were you in a relationship with your ex? I'm having a hard time filling the void. He was my best friend and we talked all the time. She was my best friend for over 10 years. We went through a lot together but it was completely platonic for those years. Circumstances changed and she pursued me a couple of years after I became available. She use to say this is just so easy, it feels right, etc.. blah, blah blah. I believe in God too but she took it to a whole other level I just couldn't maintain. After a few months, that really frustrated her. I said the exact same things you said, but her mind was made up. I was in shock for the first month. I lost my best friend and it was very hard. It was a huge void. But its trending better. I learned that I cannot rely on anyone to fill a void. It's no one's responsibility but mine and so I vowed to walk a new path and find my own happiness in myself and not someone else. I'm realizing the purpose of our relationship and how it relates to my personal growth. So it makes it easier to accept and acknowledge there is something better in the works. I trust in the process and if you can manage that, things will get better and you'll open up to other possibilities. It just may allow the one person that's been looking for you to finally find you.
Author Greeneyegemini Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 flight, I realized the exact same thing a few days after this breakup. I relied way too much on him for happiness. He made me so happy, that after awhile he was all I really needed to be happy. I shouldn't NEED anyone...because one day they might up and leave then I'm pretty screwed. What have you been doing to get over your break up? I'm TRYING to keep my mind off of it...but it's so hard to do. Especially at night when we used to do most of our talking. How long before I feel like I'm not dying?
flightplan Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I started working out more, staying busy as much as I could and focused on plans for my future.. what kind of life do I want to create. I wouldn't recommend fighting your mind and trying not to think about it. You will think about it and thats ok. It's part of the process. Work through it as best you can. Go easy on yourself and try not to judge your progress. We're all different and process at different rates. It will eventually become natural to think less and less about it. But I would definitely recommend not contacting him. The one thing that allowed me to progress at a much faster pace, was ceasing any and all contact with her. Not to be mean or spiteful, but just so I could move on. Hope this helps... hang in there.
Jupiter1111 Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I'm going through the exact same although mines wasn't LDR, I told her we need NC for me and she got upset. I think you need you need to try engage in something else for yourself although I'm not the best person for advice at the moment
chados Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 There's a difference though in how you two live by a religion I think I dare say it sounds like. He seems extremely committed. I know people like this and even if I like them they have a side that's very judge mental. I don't even think they can see bad things in them self. I think they believe that they are living the perfect way.
sumathi Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 You should thank your stars that your relationship did not last. He does not love you. If he had loved you he would not have left you. It is no use yearning for a man who does not care for you. You should not try to contact him as you will lose your self respect if you do so. Time is a great healer and you will forget him as time flies past. In fact you will get a better person who will truly love you. Good luck!
ahthepain Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 How long before I feel like I'm not dying? Two months post BU for me and I still think about her almost all the time but it doesn't hurt anywhere near as much as it did a few weeks ago. She got with a new person. I had all the closure I needed and she even wanted to be friends and we hooked up a few times but each time I would try to in some way to get her back so I knew we couldn't be friends. It will hurt for a while but the pain does go I promise you that. I too use to speak to her on the phone everynight if we weren't together and we would text throughout the whole day all the time. I thought I would never be able to learn to live without her and the calls/texts but I have ... just about. I would not worry about closure because it will leave you with more questions than answers alot of the time. I really hope you get through this as quick and painlessly as possible. If that's you in the profile picture you will have no trouble finding an incredible good looking nice guy
Author Greeneyegemini Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 Thanks for your comments everyone, they help me so much. That is probably the only thing that really makes me feel better in all of this....knowing that I'm not alone, and that everyone here has experienced this at one point or another. During the day is the hardest for me for some reason. I work from home most of the time and I'm finding it hard to get done what I'm supposed to. Falling kinda behind...all I feel like doing is sleeping, really. Even though I know I have to work, I have a deadline on Tuesday. I know if I keep NC I will start to feel better. But it seems like time goes SO slowly now. I just want to fast forward to 1-2 months from now so it doesn't hurt so much.
flightplan Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I also WAH full time. I threw myself into work and volunteered for extra work projects to keep my mind occupied. It helped a lot. I also volunteer for the red cross, so between that and work and pursuing outside interest and a lot of golf, I've managed to stay busy and keep occupied. Try to get involved like I did and it'll help make the time go by much faster.
alleeyoop Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 (edited) Hi girl. First of all you seem awesome. Now... I know it sucks. I KNOW! But, you're going to be fine, and it may seem like he was the one, but he wasn't. If someone wants to be with you - they are gonna be with you. No matter what. (The only relationship advice my dad ever bestowed to me haha). Anyone that doesn't do just that, forget 'em. Easier said than done, right? But know all of that because in a couple months time you're going to realize something and wonder, "I was upset? About THAT GUY?" That relationship, esp. being LDR, just wasn't a close one the way 2+ relationships can be. Those are a doozy to get over. But you? You're going to be fine. I am in no way belittling the way you feel, just saying that this guy just wasn't "it". When that one comes around, ain't no way in hell he is going to let you go. This is helpful because you can focus on getting better and not wondering if he is going to try and contact you or get back to you. Someday, you'll find someone who is never gonna let you go and think about how that is so much better than getting back with someone who didn't see what they had in the first place! Time to move on, which you know already but helps to hear again. I think that is something that new dupees need to know in this situation, bc it helps them to actually move on and let go of that hope that you do not need. You only need hope that you're going to feel better, because you are! Just focus on you. What makes you personally happiest? What will make you better as a person? Working out? Pedicure? New job opportunities? Anything. Use this healing time to better yourself as a person, and you'll come out on top and better than ever, maybe even a little wiser. Don't give up hope that someone will come along, they will. Stay strong, focus on being the best person you can be. You will be fine in a relatively short amount of time in comparison to all that you have left to do in your life! Be excited that you're on your way to greener pastures. Just be happy. Edited May 29, 2014 by alleeyoop
sly_fly1 Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 well i didnt read what you rote, just part of it,. but i can tell you how the male mind works. even though he dumped you. he knows your heart broken, you are still his property and he knows it. start hanging out with one of his friends or someone he knows or just a guy in general, the faster you move on after being dumped , the faster they come running back crying
Author Greeneyegemini Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 Alleeyoop, thank you so much...I needed that. Lifted my spirits. And you're right...I totally want some dude to fight for me and try to hold on to me as much as I did this guy. Until that guy comes along, i'm just going to fantasize about Tom Sellek...or possibly spiderman. haha
Author Greeneyegemini Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 Flight: I have a hard time working from home now, I'd chat with this guy all through the day from my computer in between my work. So when I do it now...i'm just severely lonely. I'm going to start working out next week. By the time I get over this guy I'll have buns o' steel....
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