Teknoe Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I think if you want to be interesting you need to engage in things that aren't so insular. Playing video games and watching cartoons is fine to do if that's what you enjoy (although I tend to agree with the guy that said you should get some more age appropriate interests to cast a wider net -- for every girl who likes this stuff, there will be multiple who will raise their eyebrow at it) but it's entirely passive. A complete waste of time in my opinion. The problem with this stuff is that you're merely a consumer of it. You sit there and watch or you sit there and play. Nothing about you gets better or more interesting as a result. You don't gain a skill or learn anything new. To be interesting, you need to shape peoples' opinions of you and you don't do that by merely observing things other people have created. Playing guitar is great. It's dramatically altered the course of my life for the better. Learn music. Learn art. Take an improv class. Develop a business. Try woodworking. Make something. Be an active participant in life. Put something of yours out into the world rather than just observe and consume what others do. No one's opinion about you is going to change if your lifestyle is that passive. You need to do or create something that impresses, excites, changes opinions/feelings, etc. Not just sit there watching anime. Do something that makes yourself more marketable. Every moment I'm awake I'm thinking about how to better myself and how to effectively use my time to do so. Reduce your indulgences and use your time and energy on something constructive that will better your life for more than the present. Great post. 100% true. While I love playing my games and watching my movies too, nothing about it screams exciting to anyone else. When I tell stories to people, I talk about my teaching experiences... my acting experiences... I have never talked about "Hey, there's this cool video game I been playing..." I highly recommend investing in a public speaking or improv acting class. Great social tools, and the people that take those classes usually have a very open mind and heart... easy to bond with people like that especially when you're taking the same course.
serial muse Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 SD, you say that friends is a topic for another thread, but it's not. It's the answer to your question. People with friends are more interesting, because friends give you perspective, take you out of yourself, give you new things to think about, talk about, activities to explore, and so on and so on. You become a more diverse, more open-minded, more fun person when you have friends. You find balance in your life, and balance is an attractive quality. Balance, by the way, is NOT achieved by hoping to attain all of these things through a single person that you are dating. It's just not. You need to diversify. And you need to get out of your own head. If you're willing to put in the effort to become interested in other people -- not just potential love interests, but multiple people -- it WILL make you more interesting. You might even discover things you can feel passionate about - things you're unaware of at the moment because your scope is fairly limited, since you're inside your own head so much. 6
KaliLove Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I'm not playing any online games at the moment. Though with servers being national I just don't know how to work that. I really don't want to get into a long distance thing. Two hours away from me is basically my limit. Ah, that's something I need to start looking into again. Like Phoe said, taking a Japanese or even an Asian cooking class would be great. How did you meet the guy? I'm going to try and attend some meetup groups. The classes I'm taking for college this summer are online only, so unless I go out of my way to do something, I'll spend the entire summer in my apartment, and probably go insane. Thanks He was talking to the sushi chef about something random and I joined in the conversation. Don't let yourself go insane!
Candy_Pants Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Find others interesting. Take a genuine interest in *people*, not just women you'd bone. 9
sillyanswer Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I believe that one of the first things to get women attracted to me, and consider dating me, is to get them interested in something about me. How do I do that? In this post I'll focus just on conversational stuff. Two points. One Be able to talk passionately about hobbies that include doing things with other people (not sex ) that are gender-neutral (or, at least, that some of your target audience of women might reasonably be expected to like). I know you've talked about salsa dancing before. That might fit the bill, but it's only one thing so add more things to that list. (You need more than one thing because... what if they don't like dancing?! No worries, you switch the conversation to something else instead, or ask her to tell you what she does enjoy in her spare time... and hopefully you'll find something you can both find interest in.) During the most recent first date I went on, while talking about my career and also while talking about one of my hobbies, the woman said (totally unprompted by me) "you're really passionate about that!" which I took as a compliment. (It could've been a hint to shut up and let her talk, I suppose.) I didn't know this in advance, but that particular hobby was something that she's done a bit of, too, so we talked about it for a while longer. Two Also, be able to talk about experiences. That might be as simple as what fun stuff you did last night or last weekend or what amazing play/show/film/exhibition you saw recently (and how it made you feel) or what you thought of the new restaurant you tried the other day. So, you have to have done "interesting" stuff. Then ask her if she saw that thing or likes that sort of food (and listen... half of dating is letting her talk). ((partly this is just social proof that you go out and do stuff, but it also allows you to find things of mutual interest or at least things that make you interesting to her)) 6
sillyanswer Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I believe that one of the first things to get women attracted to me, and consider dating me, is to get them interested in something about me. How do I do that? In this post I'm going to focus on appearance. First impressions count, and what you look like does affect that (to a greater or lesser degree with different people), and that first impression could affect someone's disposition towards finding you interesting. I'm not going to give a critical opinion of how you look (based on your profile pics on here).... I'm no fashion expert, and being a guy myself I don't generally find guys attractive, so it wouldn't be helpful. But, (and these are rhetorical questions for you to ask and answer yourself rather than telling us on here, unless you really want to) how happy are you with how you look? Do you take effort with your appearance in general every time you go out? You never know when you'll find a woman you want to talk to, so it's important to look your best all the time. I don't know what clothes you like, or what styles look best on you (there are other people on this forum who can probably help if that's what you want to know) but think of scenarios where you go out looking your most casual or perhaps your least well-groomed... maybe doing grocery shopping or just taking the car to fill up with fuel or something like that. Would you feel happy meeting and talking to an attractive woman in those scenarios? That might be exactly the time when you see someone you want to talk to... so look the part! (I have no idea what you wear to do grocery shopping... it's just an example... but I know I've found myself choosing vegetables and seeing an attractive woman and then thinking that maybe I should've had a shower and a shave and put on some clean clothes that didn't look like I had been mowing the lawn just before jumping in the car!) Anyway, the message in this paragraph is to aim to look your best (or at least, close to it) any time when you're out because you never know when you'll have an opportunity to talk to someone you like. And... if your answer is that, no, you're not happy with how you look... is there something you can do to address it?
Imajerk17 Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) Somedude, I alluded to this in my last couple posts to you. I think your big problem is a big lack of social awareness/lack of actually "seeing" other people. An example was your comment on your previous thread that I pointed out. People are telling you to broaden your horizons *for your sake* (as you keep saying how miserable you are without a girlfriend and how you have to get one soon). In the end though, no one wants you to date someone who doesn't do it for you. But that still doesn't mean a lack of tact on your part is cool. When you made your remark, did it occur to you that you actually might be insulting a lot of people on here who were trying to help you out/give you advice? Or does that not even matter to you because no matter how you offend them, it's not going to change your dating chances because you "don't talk like that in real life". Couldn't you have made your point by saying that you need physical attraction and if it isn't there for you in the beginning it never will be, just leave it at that? I highly doubt that you can be this tone-deaf on here, where you spend so much of your time, and NOT have that cluelessness carry over to your social interactions "in real life". Anyway, I'm all for self-improvement but I don't think you ought to take on stuff just to impress women. In some sense I think you're "interesting" enough as is though. Salsa dancing?? Many guys who are doing well with women are only crushing beer cans over their forehead. I do think it's great to join social groups where the focus is something you are interested in. But until you reconsider the way you're interacting with others you're going to keep having problems. The guys who are good with women aren't the ones who are the most "interesting" but those who generally aren't needy nor are they creeping others out. I do think that your neediness/lack of social awareness is what is holding you back. Think a bit more about how you are impacting people (everyone, not just women you want to date) in your social interactions with them. Edited May 28, 2014 by Imajerk17 1
pteromom Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Ha ha! Only one thing comes to mind with that description. I knew you were going to say that as I was typing it. As far as the cosplay thing, you could just GO without dressing up. Lots of people do, just to be a part of it. Wear your Godzilla tshirt and have fun talking to people. Ask people how to best get into cosplaying... they LOVE talking about it. If the people you talk to are girls you find attractive, even better. But making some friends to get an "in" is good too. Note I am suggesting this because you have a true interest in this area. That's how a good hobby starts, not just to meet women. 1
pteromom Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 ...and I have a friend in his 40s who is very into cosplay and does all kinds of charity work in the cosplay realm. Not weird at all. The girl who is right for you will LOVE that stuff. Would you really want to be with a girl who thinks the things you like are stupid? Which leads me to your other question about trying to be attractive to a broad range of women, or targeting specific women... that depends on your goal. If you are just looking for casual encounters, quantity is the answer. If you are looking for someone to build a LTR with, you have to target. You don't want to end up with someone who isn't compatible with you and get your heart broken again.
Author somedude81 Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 Wow, this thread exploded. I'll need to go over it. Yeah, I'll go to the event just to check it out. The Godzilla shirt is a good idea. I was a little nervous about going without a costume. One thing I wanted to ask about were meetup groups. I've never been in one and I have absolutely no idea what they are like or what to do. 1
Content Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Somedude, I alluded to this in my last couple posts to you. I think your big problem is a big lack of social awareness/lack of actually "seeing" other people. An example was your comment on your previous thread that I pointed out. People are telling you to broaden your horizons *for your sake* (as you keep saying how miserable you are without a girlfriend and how you have to get one soon). In the end though, no one wants you to date someone who doesn't do it for you. But that still doesn't mean a lack of tact on your part is cool. When you made your remark, did it occur to you that you actually might be insulting a lot of people on here who were trying to help you out/give you advice? Or does that not even matter to you because no matter how you offend them, it's not going to change your dating chances because you "don't talk like that in real life". Couldn't you have made your point by saying that you need physical attraction and if it isn't there for you in the beginning it never will be, just leave it at that? I highly doubt that you can be this tone-deaf on here, where you spend so much of your time, and NOT have that cluelessness carry over to your social interactions "in real life". Anyway, I'm all for self-improvement but I don't think you ought to take on stuff just to impress women. In some sense I think you're "interesting" enough as is though. Salsa dancing?? Many guys who are doing well with women are only crushing beer cans over their forehead. I do think it's great to join social groups where the focus is something you are interested in. But until you reconsider the way you're interacting with others you're going to keep having problems. The guys who are good with women aren't the ones who are the most "interesting" but those who generally aren't needy nor are they creeping others out. I do think that your neediness/lack of social awareness is what is holding you back. Think a bit more about how you are impacting people (everyone, not just women you want to date) in your social interactions with them. Id agree social tact grace and awarness are probably more of a problem for him. Theyre billions of people in relationships im sure there's tons that arent all that interesting
Author somedude81 Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 ...and I have a friend in his 40s who is very into cosplay and does all kinds of charity work in the cosplay realm. Not weird at all. The girl who is right for you will LOVE that stuff. Would you really want to be with a girl who thinks the things you like are stupid? Which leads me to your other question about trying to be attractive to a broad range of women, or targeting specific women... that depends on your goal. If you are just looking for casual encounters, quantity is the answer. If you are looking for someone to build a LTR with, you have to target. You don't want to end up with someone who isn't compatible with you and get your heart broken again. Except for the fact that my ex and I were a perfect match and extremely compatible. We liked all the same things, I was interested in the things she did that I didn't and vice versa. We always had lots of different activities we did together. We never fought about absolutely anything. I can go on and on. Hell she actually liked watching anime with me and she had never seen it before. The only thing about her that I would change is that I wanted her to play video games with me and not just watch me play them. To me, she was my perfect match. I honestly have no idea at all why my ex dumped me, except for the fact that she simply wasn't ready to be in another serious relationship.
pteromom Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Wow, this thread exploded. I'll need to go over it. Yeah, I'll go to the event just to check it out. The Godzilla shirt is a good idea. I was a little nervous about going without a costume. One thing I wanted to ask about were meetup groups. I've never been in one and I have absolutely no idea what they are like or what to do. The only ones I have been to are mom groups, but basically they post get-togethers, and you just show up. I am assuming every group is different - some are active and vibrant, and others are lame and stagnant. So if you go to a meet up and it sucks, don't write off the idea.
thefooloftheyear Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 You dont need a lot of friends to be able to be attractive to women...There are plenty of "Lone Wolves" that do just fine with women.....In fact many women find this a very attractive trait in a man... Not that having a circle of friends is inherently a bad thing, but I would probably focus my efforts more towards a good career/profession and just general confidence..If you arent a social butterfly then there is no reason to just become one because you think its going to get you laid.. .02 TFY
sillyanswer Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 One thing I wanted to ask about were meetup groups. I've never been in one and I have absolutely no idea what they are like or what to do. They're all different (well, different-ish) because individually they have different people organising them. One way to start would be to find a meetup group that relates to a hobby or interest of yours, and read about it and see what they do.
pteromom Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 You dont need a lot of friends to be able to be attractive to women...There are plenty of "Lone Wolves" that do just fine with women.....In fact many women find this a very attractive trait in a man... Not that having a circle of friends is inherently a bad thing, but I would probably focus my efforts more towards a good career/profession and just general confidence..If you arent a social butterfly then there is no reason to just become one because you think its going to get you laid.. .02 TFY True, but you don't have to be a social butterfly in order to hang out with people either. You can be the guy who laughs at other people's jokes. But having friends gives you so many opportunities... opportunities to go out (where you could meet girls), opportunities to meet their friends and create a bigger network of people, opportunities to try new things and have new experiences (which makes you a more interesting person.) You can be a "lone wolf", but if you are, you have to have the confidence to go out on your own, talk to people on your own, and try new things. If you are working on building it, friends are the best way to do it. 1
sillyanswer Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 One thing I wanted to ask about were meetup groups. I've never been in one and I have absolutely no idea what they are like or what to do. There are some for people interested in cosplay, or anime (are you interested in that? or am I misremembering?). You'll have to search to see if there's one in your city or how far away the closest one is.
hasaquestion Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Except for the fact that my ex and I were a perfect match and extremely compatible. We liked all the same things, I was interested in the things she did that I didn't and vice versa. We always had lots of different activities we did together. We never fought about absolutely anything. I can go on and on. Hell she actually liked watching anime with me and she had never seen it before. The only thing about her that I would change is that I wanted her to play video games with me and not just watch me play them. To me, she was my perfect match. I honestly have no idea at all why my ex dumped me, except for the fact that she simply wasn't ready to be in another serious relationship. What did the two of you both like? You say you had a lot in common but don't provide examples.
thefooloftheyear Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Except for the fact that my ex and I were a perfect match and extremely compatible. We liked all the same things, I was interested in the things she did that I didn't and vice versa. We always had lots of different activities we did together. We never fought about absolutely anything. I can go on and on. Hell she actually liked watching anime with me and she had never seen it before. The only thing about her that I would change is that I wanted her to play video games with me and not just watch me play them. To me, she was my perfect match. I honestly have no idea at all why my ex dumped me, except for the fact that she simply wasn't ready to be in another serious relationship. Palm meet forehead.... C'mon bro, stand back and read this carefully....then remember you are 32 years old.... I feel like I am pickin' on you, but I really want you to see whats happening and change for the better..... TFY
organizedchaos Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Except for the fact that my ex and I were a perfect match and extremely compatible. We liked all the same things, I was interested in the things she did that I didn't and vice versa. We always had lots of different activities we did together. We never fought about absolutely anything. I can go on and on. Hell she actually liked watching anime with me and she had never seen it before. The only thing about her that I would change is that I wanted her to play video games with me and not just watch me play them. To me, she was my perfect match. I honestly have no idea at all why my ex dumped me, except for the fact that she simply wasn't ready to be in another serious relationship. Really? I seem to recall you listing several reasons she gave you (possible cheating in school, the oral thing, etc...). Along with an email she sent you after you wouldn't leave her alone. And yeah, compounding on all of those, she also wasn't ready for another relationship yet. You were a rebound. Nothing you can do about that.
Author somedude81 Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 What did the two of you both like? You say you had a lot in common but don't provide examples. I rather not. It's not good for me to keep bringing up those memories. Too many posts about my ex. I don't want to talk about her.
d0nnivain Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Somedude While you are correct that only a select few women will like what you are interested in computers, games & anime, many women are interested in learning about new things. I don't care for anime but would be willing to either attend an art exhibit about it or possibly go to a costume event (I wouldn't dress up) to learn more about why the new guy in my life liked it. Also if you meet a woman who is passionate about something, it can help to cement a relationship if you show interest in what she is passionate about. You can also work together to find stuff you both enjoy. 1
normal person Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Somedude I don't care for anime but would be willing to either attend an art exhibit about it or possibly go to a costume event (I wouldn't dress up) to learn more about why the new guy in my life liked it. Perhaps you're putting the cart before the horse. SD wants to be interesting to get someone's attention. Not just maintain it once he has the girl. Once again, I'm not trying to be a jerk but I think this thread is lacking some much needed honesty. Somedude, maybe I'm in the minority here but I think you need to divorce yourself from video games, anime, and anything else of the sort that's marketed towards 12 year olds. Put that stuff in the closet next your pogs, ALF sweatshirt and any other dated interest from a foregone era. People here will tell you it's fine if you like that stuff -- and it is, subjectively, in this fairy tale world where no one judges anyone else -- but if you're trying to meet girls in the real world and have real success, this stuff is like kryptonite. There are outliers here in the thread who say they don't mind this stuff but they don't represent the majority of women. This stuff might be tolerated but it's unlikely to attract most women. Think about this, other men your age (your competition) are developing businesses or skills or bettering themselves. People in this thread are literally suggesting you, as a 32 year old man, dress up in a costume and attend a convention. Am I reading this right? Just because that might make you "interesting" doesn't mean it won't also make you a complete joke of an adult. Maybe it's a bad example, but can you imagine Don Draper playing video games and wearing a costume? You've got stuff in your life that you want to accomplish and you're wasting your waning youth with child's play? Is this honestly what grown women expect out of their partners these days? Would a girl rather have a guy who spends his free time accomplishing things or one who plays video games and dresses up like a cartoon character? Girls, please help me out here. 3
Keenly Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Perhaps you're putting the cart before the horse. SD wants to be interesting to get someone's attention. Not just maintain it once he has the girl. Once again, I'm not trying to be a jerk but I think this thread is lacking some much needed honesty. Somedude, maybe I'm in the minority here but I think you need to divorce yourself from video games, anime, and anything else of the sort that's marketed towards 12 year olds. Put that stuff in the closet next your pogs, ALF sweatshirt and any other dated interest from a foregone era. People here will tell you it's fine if you like that stuff -- and it is, subjectively, in this fairy tale world where no one judges anyone else -- but if you're trying to meet girls in the real world and have real success, this stuff is like kryptonite. There are outliers here in the thread who say they don't mind this stuff but they don't represent the majority of women. This stuff might be tolerated but it's unlikely to attract most women. Think about this, other men your age (your competition) are developing businesses or skills or bettering themselves. People in this thread are literally suggesting you, as a 32 year old man, dress up in a costume and attend a convention. Am I reading this right? Just because that might make you "interesting" doesn't mean it won't also make you a complete joke of an adult. Maybe it's a bad example, but can you imagine Don Draper playing video games and wearing a costume? You've got stuff in your life that you want to accomplish and you're wasting your waning youth with child's play? Is this honestly what grown women expect out of their partners these days? Would a girl rather have a guy who spends his free time accomplishing things or one who plays video games and dresses up like a cartoon character? Girls, please help me out here. Yes, give up all the things you love, and the things that make you you. Become some one you are not, and that will SURELY get you some dates 2
xxoo Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 In 14 years of adult life, what interesting things have you done? What stories do you have to share? What friends have made? You don't have to give up your interests, but at least add some that make good memories for yourself first and foremost. What are your best memories of your 20s? Life is not a spectator sport. Get out there and create some stories and memories you can share. 3
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